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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
Montreal
♂ Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I get the strong sense that you tried to "good guy" your way through this right up until you couldn't. (No criticism: I tried to Jesus-guy my way though it for the first six months, then had to learn how shallow my faith was. Forgiveness is fucking hard.)

I suspect the shit's been rising up in your throat like vomit for awhile, and you've been choking it down. Cutting your own throat. (It's too late to feel like this now. I've already let it go for too long. I lost my window for anger; showing it now would just make me a dick.)

Now you've got this big wad of seething anger that you don't have an outlet for, and it just keeps getting bigger.

(But now my wife is actually working on her shit, at least a little. She's made progress. Sure, she's still a clueless fuck sometimes, but she's mostly on the right track...)

And yet...and yet...and yet, you still feel the lies, the fucking other people, the taking you for granted, the blameshifting like a fresh wound sometimes.

When does the hurt sharing start to equalize, because I'm starting to feel like the only one who really had to eat the whole shit sandwich, and my wife got off easy because I let her off easy.

(And then you read in Wayward or wherever about all the internal struggles of remorse, the feelings of unworthiness, the dance over glass, and you tell yourself, "Okay, they really don't get off easy. It's much worse to be the sinner than the sinned-against." Except that you don't believe it deep down, and all of the platitudes about being a "good man" remind you that "nice guys finish last", and you know what, there really is no reward for being a good man except the way your kids remember you...and by the time that's happening, you're fucking dead, so who really gives a shit? Five years from now, even your repentant WW is going to be bitching on FB that you never take out the trash and don't pull your weight while her girlfriends titter and say what pigs men are because even if they know she was a fucking cheater, they're still going to circle the wagons because you're nothing but a cardboard stand-in for their husbands. The only thing being a betrayed husband buys you is having been betrayed. It's not like you're a war hero or a cancer survivor or something. The goalposts don't move just because your wife bailed on the marriage and then picked it up again. Cheaterz is who you were, not who you are. It doesn't define you, right? Amiright or wut? So what's ur problem, mr. stuck-in-the-past?)

I don't have any answers.

But you're not alone. You're not abnormal.

Trust me that it fades.

Trust me that it can be good again.

Trust me that you can be head-over-heels crazy about your wife again. This is a necessary phase, and you'll come through.

Thanks WAL. I too suffer from "good guy low self-esteem" so that was nice to read.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the strong sense that you tried to "good guy" your way through this right up until you couldn't.

Sort of. I'm the poster boy for the Infidelity rollercoaster. Nice guy one day, raging asshole the next. Long period of being nice followed by a long period of being not so nice. Or short pleasantness followed by a short period of unpleasantness. Right now it's the latter, and has been for awhile. I haven't gotten out of the stage where I'm willing to hurt all on my own.

One thing I did right early on was kick some serious WW ass (figuratively speaking) and demand the usual stuff - NC, STD testing, transparency, MC/IC, etc. None of this "boo hoo, don't leave me baby" b.s. I invited her ass to leave anytime she felt that the price of R was too high. Did all of that before I was an SI member and learned the proper post-DDay behavior, so I guess my initial instincts were right.

What threw me off in the early days was the enthusiastic way my wife complied with all my demands. I became the prize, real quick. HB kicked in, and it was a honeymoon around here up until very recently. Of course her waywardness revealed itself later in TT, but by that time I got somewhat use to not raging on a daily basis.

We're 16 months out. And right now my attitude is "f--- you, you cheating @#!*+." Or something like that. I told her the other day that it would be nice if I could have one 24 hour period where thoughts of her humping and sexting and sending pussy pics on her cell phone were not in the forefront of my mind, but maybe I have to wait another 16 months or so to reach that point. Right now she's "that woman" who did "those things." Who I happen to still love. Crazymaking.

The other day I flat out told my WW that R or not, I'll never be able to look at her the same way again. She seemed deeply wounded by that. But come on, that wasn't foreseeable? She really thought that becoming another man's personal sex toy wasn't going to have negative consequences?

I truly hope that turns out not to be the case, because who wants to live like that. But right now it's hard to see how the trust and respect can be restored.

WAL, I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement at the end. It's great to see you posting again.

ETA: WWS

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:27 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct]]]

Strength to you. You've sent enough my way, sending some back. That is a fine picture of your pops. Thanks for sharing that! I can see the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree there.

Sproket - I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, man. It sounds like you know what path you need to take now. Sending you strength.


Posts: 6980 | Registered: Dec 2010
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

as usual, great posts WAL.

lack of desire. Do you think this is normal? I really have no desire for women. just can't seem to care. i don't even look at them the same way. like they're an interesting creature, but not sure what I would do with one.

is this normal? is this a lack of testosterone? I turn 55 in a couple months. i'm in great shape btw.

[This message edited by mike7 at 5:15 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Sproket - very sorry. No more time can be wasted with her. Sending you courage and strength.

@Mike 7 - from what I know, usually if you're in great shape the testosterone will stay up. I would be more concerned about the drive for WW than for other women. I have an extremely high sex drive, I can admire a beautiful woman, but I don't have any desire for them either. Honestly it could be normal and I wouldn't worry about it too much unless it's interfering with your life somehow.

@MindMonkey - Wanted to see how you were feeling. Day 2 of my iced tea kick and I have to say I'm honestly enjoying myself with it.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, sproket, sorry you're hurting brothers. Sending strength.

mike7, funny but my desire has also crashed in recent weeks. Also, my "performance," while adequate, seems a little off too. Like I'm 90-95% of the man I used to be. Consulted a doctor friend who told me nothing was wrong medically, it could be just an "emotional" issue, and drink less, sleep more, etc.

Emotional...Yah think?

Mike, is there any chance that the weight of being a BH has finally taken its toll on you and how you see your WW, and women in general?

See a doctor just to make sure there are no health issues. But hey, if you've been on high cruise in that dept. up until age 55, there are a lot of men out there who would envy the hell out of you.

ETA: jj, what your brother said about possibly being an OC was painful to read, probably painful to write. And hopefully not true. Loved the picture of your pops, btw. The family resemblance is unmistakable.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:11 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sprocket, so sorry to hear of your situation, but you now have clarity of your needs to heal. It is a rough transition, one in which the benefits may be a long time becoming apparent, but it does get there. (Strength) to you brother.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn gents, sorry to miss the WAL marathon and all the goings on. Sum bitch you just can't take a day or two off here...

FYI - 17th anniversary today.


Because the moment you start acting like someone else's wife, you lose the right to make any claims on me based on being mine. The only quarter you deserve is that I'd give to any other enemy...and the longer you claimed that quarter illegitimately, the less you've got to work with after D-Day.

True.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Anniversary to you and your wife, Tred!

Posts: 6980 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the strong sense that you tried to "good guy" your way through this right up until you couldn't. (No criticism: I tried to Jesus-guy my way though it for the first six months, then had to learn how shallow my faith was. Forgiveness is fucking hard.)

I suspect the shit's been rising up in your throat like vomit for awhile, and you've been choking it down. Cutting your own throat. (It's too late to feel like this now. I've already let it go for too long. I lost my window for anger; showing it now would just make me a dick.)

Now you've got this big wad of seething anger that you don't have an outlet for, and it just keeps getting bigger.

(But now my wife is actually working on her shit, at least a little. She's made progress. Sure, she's still a clueless fuck sometimes, but she's mostly on the right track...)

And yet...and yet...and yet, you still feel the lies, the fucking other people, the taking you for granted, the blameshifting like a fresh wound sometimes.

When does the hurt sharing start to equalize, because I'm starting to feel like the only one who really had to eat the whole shit sandwich, and my wife got off easy because I let her off easy.

(And then you read in Wayward or wherever about all the internal struggles of remorse, the feelings of unworthiness, the dance over glass, and you tell yourself, "Okay, they really don't get off easy. It's much worse to be the sinner than the sinned-against." Except that you don't believe it deep down, and all of the platitudes about being a "good man" remind you that "nice guys finish last", and you know what, there really is no reward for being a good man except the way your kids remember you...and by the time that's happening, you're fucking dead, so who really gives a shit? Five years from now, even your repentant WW is going to be bitching on FB that you never take out the trash and don't pull your weight while her girlfriends titter and say what pigs men are because even if they know she was a fucking cheater, they're still going to circle the wagons because you're nothing but a cardboard stand-in for their husbands. The only thing being a betrayed husband buys you is having been betrayed. It's not like you're a war hero or a cancer survivor or something. The goalposts don't move just because your wife bailed on the marriage and then picked it up again. Cheaterz is who you were, not who you are. It doesn't define you, right? Amiright or wut? So what's ur problem, mr. stuck-in-the-past?)

Maybe it's cuz Sal's and mine DDAYs are near each other...but this part right here made me swallow a giant lump in my throat...it's so on the money.

Especially this:

(It's too late to feel like this now. I've already let it go for too long. I lost my window for anger; showing it now would just make me a dick.)

I don't have anything to add to it...but I'll be damned if it didn't stop me dead in my tracks.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2064 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL - You are spot on. I'd be willing to bet that most of us (I know for a fact I did) suffered from trying to be the good guy. I will say I feel my fww got off easy. My fault entirely, and like you said, I missed my window of opportunity to do otherwise. Now I have to deal with it personally after so many years of repressing it.

Tred - Happy Anniversary. How did golfing go?

Mike7 - Regardless of physical shape, Testosterone can fluctuate based on any number of factors. Best thing to do is see your doctor and have him do a blood test to check your levels. Be warned though, a lot of insurance companies won't pay for the test as they consider this to be a lifestyle choice. (Lifestyle choice - cracks me up. Sex is a choice not a need, so we won't pay for any tests or treatment. Yet science has proven that regular sex helps promote good overall health - definitely can be a stress reliever. Sorry for the rant... )


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw SoSorry17 posted in Waywards that SWAT is in the hospital and may have had a mini/minor heart attack.

Here's wishing him a speedy recovery!!

Hope he comes back for any support that he might need.

[This message edited by fireguy87 at 7:24 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayers up for you SWAT)))
Strength and healing.

Beta-blockers. Notice they end with "lol"?
Coincidence?

Thank you THANK YOU for the wonderful words of comfort.
That's an amazing bit of writing wal, both by you and Christian Wiman!
I *think* a part of what I'm feeling is grief that I didn't allow myself to feel, since Dad died just a few months into 1st WW's rollercoaster-induced thrill ride, and I had my boys to manage...

If someone hasn't beaten me to it, this

...the moment you start acting like someone else's wife, you lose the right to make any claims on me based on being mine.

belongs on the quote thread.

fol's right, love the way it gets down to the gnat's ass here.


Posts: 6570 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAT, that was some good stuff. More men here should read it.

After my ex's second A, the one she left me for, I was almost nonstop angry for a month. Like total rage, almost 24/7, because I couldn't sleep.


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's wishing SWAT a speedy recovery as well. You can only stay hyper-alert for so long before you crash. I was on BP meds when DDay hit. One side effect of the A was I dropped so much weight that I no longer need BP meds. Yay me.

Golf was great - three days, 72 holes, skills comp, wonderful food, bunch of great guys having a blast, what's not to like? Weather could of been a tad better, but it was only a mild annoyance.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred, glad to hear that the golf was great. Hope you and your wife had a happy anniversary.

...suffered from trying to be the good guy. I will say I feel my fww got off easy. My fault entirely, and like you said, I missed my window of opportunity to do otherwise.

Fireguy, I didn't exactly miss my "bad guy" window, but I tried to abandon it after too little time to process exactly what happened to our marriage. Some of that was due to my FIL's illness and eventual death, which required me to be primarily a supportive husband.

I've reclaimed the window. Not an ideal sitch, but it is what it is. It concerns me that you say you missed yours, because that suggests to me repressed pain and festering resentment. Don't let it eat you up brother. Unless it's dealt with it'll poison the marriage, eventually.

I had hoped that the WW and I would be on high cruise by now. After 16 months I finally get the toll something like this takes on a marriage and the length and difficulty of the road ahead. Sometimes it takes awhile to fully grasp the magnitude of the betrayal and the horror of the acts themselves.

On that cheery note...happy Sunday, gents!


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike, timings right on for the Plain of Lethal Flatness. Check the other stuff, but I'm thinking you've arrived.

jj, strength brother. Sometimes those bottled up emotions are all the stronger for having aged.

Tred, Happy anniversary. So......results? Can't play 72 and not fess up!

Swat, strength brother. We've got your back


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plain of Lethal Flatness.

5454, would you elaborate on that? That sounds like what might be happening with me.

ETA: Disregard 5454, found this is the Healing Library:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/lethal_flatness.asp

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:50 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

545 - it was two man team match play. Six teams per flight, 10 flights. We finished third in our flight but first in fun . Plus the club gives good swag for this tournament (one a beautiful monogrammed golf towel - full name spelled out!) plus a bunch of credit to spend on good gear with everything marked half off. We did finish second in the team long drive competition with a net 232 yard drive combined. Each player only got two drives, and it has to be in the fairway to count.

Sal, Plain of Lethal Flatness is just another stop on the journey. If you are there, then you need to concentrate on some self care. The vacay to Florida might help if you concentrate on you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found a piece of peace yesterday. Didn't catch anything, other than a very contented look on my son's face. It was a good day. Here is a view of the backdrop.

Plain of lethal flatness can last for awhile. I think that probably describes where I have been in my relationship with my wife for about the last 1.5 years. Slowly starting to emerge out of it, and starting to enjoy some uninhibited laughter, inside jokes, and sideways knowing glances. I think the POF probably has a lot to do with the subconscious trying to protect against exposing yourself to vulnerability with your spouse. It's not necessarily a bad thing, although it can be painfully frustrating at times. Like Tred said, another stop along the journey. Usually doesn't last as long as it has for me.

For every plain of lethal flatness, there can be a lake of life giving beauty. Search for it and enjoy it. Peace to you, Sal.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:52 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


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