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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Friday Gents. I am preparing the mind to accept the fact, my WW is going to be my ex, so I am referring to her as my ex.

The other day she kept going on about my Porn use, and how it hurt her too. I said you need to get help then. You can't forgive someone and get healed.

Funny thought.

I start new relationship. I am a former porn addict who has been sober for 6 years.

She starts a new relationship. I had an affair because my XH watched porn, and didn't make me feel important, or special. You don't have to worry about me cheating on you, because I know I won't do that you...( no counseling/help)

Anyway going to family reunion(maybe on WW) side. DD will be there so I will just spend time with her and forget the other side of the family. I feel like I really shouldn't go.

Sunday is Bachelor party!!! Were going golfing!!!


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks Losfer,

Things are going better. It will be much better after the summer. I am buttoning up some things so that I can be out of the in house separation by end of summer. The only hangup will be selling the house but everything here is selling like hotcakes. My brother sold his house in 5 days. Can't freaking wait!!

STBX is still on her downward spiral. I have distanced myself from her enough now that I don't care anymore. The old saying of "you can't save people from themselves" is so very true. I realized all you can do is observe and take steps to keep them from dragging you down the best you can. Toxic people are like the plague, if you don't protect yourself, no amount of wishful thinking is going to save you. You have to look out for your own best interests.

On a sidenote I am headed to Crater Lakes in the Indian Peaks wilderness area west of Denver in a few weeks. My son and I are hiking in and camping lakeside for about a week. Going to be awesome!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS,
...she kept going on about my Porn use, and how it hurt her too.

It is my experience that it is more important to some people that they not be any more to blame or any worse than others as opposed to learning from an experience and becoming better for it. I think this is why stbxFWW and I are headed to D. She is more comnfortable pointing to my flaws and omissions and proving we are both at fault than she is in owning and fixing her issues. She would rather be D'ed because WE did not get along than be M'd because she owned and addressed her stuff.


Since dday I have been a big proponent in my personal life of continuous improvement (Plan, Do, Check, Act). I know that if I am going to grow and improve I am also going to make mistakes. I really try to own my mistakes, atone for them, and then move forward. OTOH, despite the progress she has made in her work, stbxFWW is more interested in proving she and her actions are "normal".


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW said a time or 2 that her affair *hurt her too*. The last time she said that I said that I would trade places with her in a hot second. And that she has NO IDEA what real pain is. As I said. That was the LAST time she said that.

I dunno what her point was in saying that. Maybe she wanted to level the field? Maybe she wanted to play the victim?

Whatever the reason its pure pig sh!t anyway.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, MM. Hang in there bro.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a sidenote I am headed to Crater Lakes in the Indian Peaks wilderness area west of Denver in a few weeks. My son and I are hiking in and camping lakeside for about a week. Going to be awesome!
Beautiful, beautiful area. Enjoy your trip!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 155 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a sidenote I am headed to Crater Lakes in the Indian Peaks wilderness area west of Denver in a few weeks. My son and I are hiking in and camping lakeside for about a week. Going to be awesome!

Not sure if you've been to Denver area before, but.... if you get a chance, drive the Mt. Evans Road... you can access it about 25 miles West of Denver on I-70. IIRC, it is the highest paved road in North America. I've driven the access road to it a couple of time, but never went up, but even the views from the access road are amazing. I believe it crests above 14,000 ft.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie,
I agree. If it hurts, just go get some counseling and work through the pain and work on yourself. She said, even if I didn't have an affair I would still probably leave you.

Now, that's fine but why didn't you just leave instead of cheat.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

ontheslope, Mt. Evan's is already on the itinerary. As well as Mt. Bierstadt


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somebody....who shall remain nameless.....gave me a guilt trip today about my lack of participation in this forum. Worse than my catholic mother.

Not to much new to report in my life. We just keep on keeping on. But happy Friday boys! I am going to begin our move this weekend...so I will be going with just a few domestics tonight....need to be clear headed tomorrow for the move. (Just moving four blocks away). Two moves in two years.....kill me now.

That is all

For now.


Bitches.

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 1:24 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM, that's great news that you're getting a hold on this and working to beat it! It's a testament to your inner strength that you're doing this. Also, the way you handled your W, was perfect. Kudos.

Rye, I'm jealous lol. I wish I was still in shape enough to hike in someplace remote for a week. Besides the out of shape part, my knees kill me just taking stairs, I can't imagine what would happen if I tried a trail with a loaded pack.

Reagaring yesterday, thank you everyone who chimed in. I didn't get to talk to WW last night as her oldest was being a douchebag, so our energies were being directed elsewhere. Before the weekend's over though we WILL have talked this over.

Is it beer o'clock yet?


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SDWB! Great to hear from you, old SI Menz thread buddy.

Somebody....who shall remain nameless.....gave me a guilt trip today about my lack of participation in this forum. Worse than my catholic mother.

Probably a hell of a guy, whoever he is.

Bitches.

Your tact and charm is exactly what this thread has been missing lately.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys thanks for all your help. I'm going through a rough patch right now and I'm taking a break. Hopefully I'll be back soon.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that, SWAT. But rough patches are this thread's reason for being. Hang in there.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT... I understand the need to step away for awhile. I've had to do that a few times myself. Just know that we are here, and safe place for you to land, whenever you need us.

Strength.


Posts: 7109 | Registered: Dec 2010
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my WW that the marriage is over and don't contact me asking if that's what I want. I told her before no but it must be.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a great Bachelor Party / Golfing weekend, LS. Sorry things appear to not be working out in your marriage.

As for the porn complaint, I don't know the nature or extent of the issue (if there's even a legit issue), but it strikes me that the same person who is complaining about your fantasy behavior engaged in the same behavior ...IN...REAL...FREAKIN'...LIFE.

I got a similar complaint recently after spending about 5 minutes watching a cheesy Cinemax soft-core movie where it was obvious that the "sex" was fake. Even WW was joking about it in the beginning. After she said something to me, I thought she was pulling my leg at first. Her complaint seemed that ludicrous under the circumstances.

I think irony is lost on WWs sometimes.

Whatever. Try not to let their skewed thinking get you down. Easier said than done, I know.

Allow me to add two more cents on the porn issue. Porn (for obvious reasons) has the potential to be real triggery. I think BHs should try to avoid it at all costs. Anything that promotes cheap, no-strings-attached, consequence-free sex is probably not best for our healing.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:23 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Question  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the process of trying to finalize the settlement agreement, and the most recent revision her attorney sent is asking me to agree that the divorce will be granted on the grounds of insupportability (basically a no-fault thing). My original petition had adultery as the grounds for divorce. I didn't actually ask my attorney to do this, as I thought all divorces in Texas were no-fault. My attorney says it's usually for when one spouse wants a disproportionate share of the community estate. I don't think anything in our settlement is inequitable, but damnit I filed for a fucking reason.

If she wanted a divorce because she thought our marriage was insupportable, she should have filed before she fucked someone else. Hell, she could have done it while I thought we were in R, before DDay2. I just don't know how much of an issue to make of this.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are so much more mature than I was. I was all "you don't get to have an opinion on what I'm doing, how I spend my time, or what I think, you fucking chum dumpster" for like 2.5 years.

("Chum dumpster was, no shit, an iPad autocorrect, but I liked it so much that I'm keeping it.)

I dig that so many of you are about compassion, understanding through your hurt, and still about protecting your wives. I was a complete dickhole. Of course, I'd do it exactly the same way again (only with more cursing), so I have no idea what my admiration means in this case. Being angry all the time and burning shirt down to the ground was my path to recovery. You stick with me through that, then you might be worth considering R with.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Burning shirt" = I'm keeping that one, too.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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