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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH

Who's the one that ran off on a cruise for almost a week? Who's the one that hasn't been home for the better part of the last two evenings? How the fuck am I supposed to be around you when you aren't even here???? No I haven't been acting like I'm tickled shitless to be around her since she's gotten back, but that's because I'm still pissed about the cruise.

You need to tell her this. If she tried to go out again tonight, no way. This is festering and it's killing you. In fact, tell her that this has been festering the last two night because she hasn't been home. Then tell her "Who's the one that ran off on a cruise for almost a week? Who's the one that hasn't been home for the better part of the last two evenings? How the fuck am I supposed to be around you when you aren't even here???? No I haven't been acting like I'm tickled shitless to be around her since she's gotten back, but that's because I'm still pissed about the cruise."

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what you described WTH, she seems really immature. I've always thought that emotional immaturity is the biggest and most overlooked factor in infidelity.

In some ways she is very emotionally immature. FOO ya know?
Have you read up on the 180?

I have, and while it wasn't full on 180, was doing it for several months. Might be time again if this little talk doesn't seem to make my point.
So, lesson learned on this one, do not sit on stuff, just go ahead and share your feelings with her.

Too true brother. Sometimes it's kind of difficult though as both her kids have long ears, and since they aren't convos they need to hear... Other times though, it is my trying to "find the right time." I need to get over that.
Text is fine for pick you up at 8 and please do not forget the milk; it is LOUSY for discussions and sharing feelings.

AMEN. I try not to do that kind of thing because we've had far to many fights start from texts that don't convey the true meaning behind what was said. I did tell her I love her and do want to be around her. That seemed to make her happy.
Did you tell her you did not want her to go on the cruise (I forget the exact details)? Did you tell her you did not want her to go our Tuesday or Wednesday nights?

I didn't outright tell her I didn't want her to go on the cruise, but did let her know I wasn't happy about it. Another thing about Mon. was her youngest was pretty much attached to her hip all evening catching her up on his goings on, so I wouldn't really have been able to talk to her anyway. As far as Tue. and Wed., I let her go Tue. because I'm not going to deny a friend in need, as far as Wed., she's been making great progress in her weight loss and getting her HBP under control. Since she had just been on the cruise I wanted her to get back into her routine for that since it's her health at stake.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 272 | Registered: Dec 2012
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...we've had far to many fights start from texts that don't convey the true meaning behind what was said.

You know, now that I think about it all those times were when she was in the midst of her A's.... Kind of telling looking back on it.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 272 | Registered: Dec 2012
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been a while since I have been on. Wanted to send out some brotherly love and sidehugs to my fellow menz. Stay strong and press on my friends.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to t/j WTH

About the texting thing. WW confessed her affair to me over email when I was 3000 miles away. Not a great medium over which to receive news such as this.

WW have *fought* allot over email. In some ways it can be a good thing because each party has a chance to think before *speaking* to the other. So there are few knee jerk reactions. The negative is that email is a very impersonal way of dealing with personal issues. and can create a disconnect between the people involved.

End of t/j

I dont know the history of HOW it was ok that your WW took the cruise in the first place. For me that alone would be a deal breaker.

WW having girls night out is also a deal breaker. WW chattering with GFs that are not FOM are also not a good thing.

Im just seeing way too many red flags. And this to me indicates that your WW is really not in to R or even staying with you at all. Does it seem that way to you?

If thats the case. What are you willing to do about it?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know the history of HOW it was ok that your WW took the cruise in the first place. For me that alone would be a deal breaker.

It's been very close to it for me. I had decided before she went that her behavior during and after were going to have a lot to do with which way I decide to go with this M. While she was on the cruise she did do the things I'd asked. Doesn't mean that I'm not still pissed over the way it all came about, but I have to give her credit for that much at least.

Tuesday wasn't really a "girl's night out". One of the friends has had some major responsibility dumped on her due to a relative's irresponsibility. All they did was go to dinner and talk. If there's any two people I have total trust in her spending time with it's those two. One is the wife of one of the pastor's at our church, and the other one would make the most proper, uptight woman you know look like a drunk sorority girl taking part in a "girl's gone wild" video during spring break. These are the last two people on Earth she would want to find out about her cheating. I absolutely consider them FOM. The friend she went on the cruise with, not so much, and that's part of the problem I've had with it from the start.

Im just seeing way too many red flags. And this to me indicates that your WW is really not in to R or even staying with you at all. Does it seem that way to you?
If thats the case. What are you willing to do about it?

I think she's into R as long as it's easy, which I've let it be for far too long. I had decided a few months ago that I am more than ready to D, but since decided I want to give R more of a chance. This cruise damn near had me change my mind about it, but instead decided to let that be her last hurrah as far as taking the easy path to R. I know many would argue with that decision, but regardless of what effect it has it's my burden to bear. I am prepared to walk away from this M because of her A's, and may yet. But since we haven't really worked at R (my fault) I want to give that a try first. If it succeeds, great. If not, we tried. Even if we do end up making real progress I may still D. This is something I never wanted to have to deal with, and honestly after 1 1/2 years I'm really well past wanting to have to deal with it. But because I love her I'm willing to give it one more try. I haven't set any kind of timetable to see if things progress to my satisfaction, but if things don't progress pretty fast, I'm gone.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 272 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a drunk sorority girl taking part in a "girl's gone wild" video during spring break.

Or as I like to say, my WW during her MLC/A.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH.
You will do what you do at your own pace for your own reasons. No one here. including me. has any right to admonish you for not doing things they way they believe you should.

Its your path. Not any one elses.

Are you going to have a sit-down talk with her about your concerns and what you expect from her.

I can relate to your WW only wanting R if its easy. Hell. I bet most of us relate to that.

How much of a emotional tie did your WW have with her AP? If you D her do you think she would turn to him?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there's any two people I have total trust in her spending time with it's those two. One is the wife of one of the pastor's at our church, and the other one would make the most proper, uptight woman you know look like a drunk sorority girl taking part in a "girl's gone wild" video during spring break. These are the last two people on Earth she would want to find out about her cheating.

That's the first place I'd target for exposure. She clearly doesn't give two shits what *you* think about her (she's demonstrated that -- she's going to do exactly what she wants to do, regardless of your feelings on the matter)...so target the people whose opinions mean something to her.

Don't be deceived: the fur will fly and she'll feel all betrayed because you shamed her (read: told the truth) in front of people she was trying to sell her bullshit to, but I get the feeling that your wife is all about appearances. Her personality is about a mile wide and a quarter-inch deep. There's no substance there, only the masks she wears and the external validation she gets by pretending to fit in with genuinely decent people.

You need to tell her this. If she tried to go out again tonight, no way. This is festering and it's killing you. In fact, tell her that this has been festering the last two night because she hasn't been home. Then tell her...

YOP is giving you some good advice...but I'd probably just skip that and just tell her to go to hell and get fucked.

Oh, and her whole eighth grade text thing was about extorting assurances out of you (i.e., "I realize that I just went on this cruise that you didn't want me to go on and that I haven't been home, and if I was in your shoes, I would be royally pissed about that, so if I make this about me, you'll reassure me and have to drop it because you'll understand that I'm emotionally fragile.")

There's not an iota of legitimate sentiment in that exchange. It's all cold and calculating manipulation, and you need to see it for what it is. She got to do what she wanted to do and she wants to make *you* feel bad about her getting away with it. It's how she controls you, and I suspect it's been an enormously successful tactic for several years now, because you come across to me as someone totally paralyzed and too worried about what you might lose to actually stand up for yourself or make your own life decisions.

You need to work on getting your own life, man.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 5:49 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6747 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today starts three days of golf in our clubs big tournament so I won't be around much. Not that anyone cares, just wanted to post that I'll be golfing, drinking, and having a blast over six rounds of two team match play. Plus seafood dinners, live bands, cookouts and beer on the course, and a pig roast Saturday.

Oh look - a six iron...

Nice Tred! Way to rub it in

Good luck in the Tourny, I'm no where near tourny material, hell, I'm still trying to work up to beginner level

WTH - You have to do what you feel is right. You are the one who has to live with the decision you make and you sure as hell don't want to feel that you made the wrong one.


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH - You are getting a lot of great advice here. Just wanted to add some support and send some strength your way.

Dropping a line up in Breck from a canoe Saturday.

That sounds like heaven, Nuked! Love the Breck area. If you get a chance to hop down to Dillon, Backcountry Brewery has some really nice brews on tap. Of course, last time I was up there, I did a 50 mile bike ride, so just about any brew would taste good!

I just booked some cabin time for the family up in Estes for next week.

Been a while since I have been on. Wanted to send out some brotherly love and sidehugs to my fellow menz. Stay strong and press on my friends.

Hey, Rye!! Good to see you. Hope you are doing well!


Posts: 7236 | Registered: Dec 2010
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH, I don't have much to add, but this:

But since we haven't really worked at R (my fault) I want to give that a try first.

stood out to me. R requires a lot from both parties, and if it is what you want, and you're not doing your part, you need to address that. She, however, needs to pull her own (significant) weight and she needs to be doing it because she wants to.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Friday Folks.

Finally some nice weather here in Eastern Canada..unfortunately, have a lot of paperwork to catch up on.

WTH- R is extremely tough. I tried and it failed, but I am glad I did so I know I gave it a chance. That said, do not let her sit on the fence and keep you uptight. I went through that for a year and know I'm worth more than that. In my case, there was a DD#2, so it made it easy. But my gut said there was something wrong, and there was. I'm ok with her leaving now (in fact, looking forward to it). As I'm learning to let her go, my anxiety is dropping and mt life is beginning anew. Best of luck with either choice.

Edit: Typo

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 7:59 AM, June 20th (Friday)]


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Menz,

It's Friday so I know the obligitory beer postings are coming. That's just fine.

This week I've admitted to myself (last to do so) that I'm an alcoholic. I've never written that down. It's been my choice to drink so heavily following Dday to escape the pain and mind movies. The booze took over. It can (and frequently does) happen.

Anyway, I'm going on my third day of sobriety after talking to my PCM and I feel decent. A little sick feeling and shaky but I'm dealing ok.

You know who isn't supportive? FWW. I realized that she is so wrapped up in her own bubble, she never even asked me how I was feeling yesterday. I caught her crying in the bedroom because she messed up the date of an appointment she had (she does this kind of thing a lot). She said I'd be better off if she were dead. I know her ADD is frustrating to her but I put my hand on her back and said, "my CoD stops here. I'm sorry you're upset but you need to get out of your pity box and worry about something else besides yourself. How about DSs science fair project? Do you even know what he's doing? When was the last time you had a sit down with DD? And why, after knowing I'm trying to go sober (and the symptoms of withdrawal) have you not even asked me how I felt. I'm going down to make dinner. Finish crying and come down to be part of the family."

After a few minutes she came down and helped set the table and asked me how I was doing. She was quiet at dinner but I could tell she was thinking on what I said. Then we had an early night. We both needed it.

On an related note, I had no idea of the horrid dreams come with alcohol withdrawal. I woke up at least a dozed times last night. Weird shit, menz.

Anyway have a great weekend. I still like the beer postings. Some of those bottles are plain beautiful.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations MM. After your DD, certainly understandable why you drank so heavily, but you now see it made it worst. Also congrats on standing up to your WW. I tended to walk on eggshells and it may have cost me my R. SOmetimes tough love is the best love.

I'm not much of a beer drinker. Mostly for religious reasons, but never acquired a taste for it. Except after a really warm day doing work outside, a cold beer has an orgasmic effect (Yes I said that).


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MindMonkey - Just wanted to cheer you on! That is a big step you are taking, and you should be proud. I think you handled that conversation with your wife brilliantly and gracefully, too. I'm guessing the weird dreams are due to some kind of change in your brain chemistry, and hopefully will subside. Keep an eye on things and stay in touch with your doc. I'm hoping you will start to feel better and better with each day. Here's to not being hungover!

Posts: 7236 | Registered: Dec 2010
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit MM! Great news! That's awesome. You just stepped up big time in more ways than one. Sounds like without the booze you are able to be way more engaging with WW than you were before. That was brilliant how you handled that conversation with her. I'm very proud of you on all fronts.

As a show of support, I'm not going to have any booze this weekend either. In fact when I get home I think I will brew some fresh iced tea for a change and pick up some lemons.

yop

eta - sorry you are feeling sick from the DT's and what not. I hope you start to feel better soon. Hang in there MM!!

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:53 AM, June 20th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MM, I can imagine how difficult it is to recognize alcohol is not for you. Remember you can get help in staying sober and alcohol-free. Support is available.

I wish you the best in your struggle to claim your life. You've made an encouraging start.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I will brew some fresh iced tea for a change and pick up some lemons.

That's what I'm drinking! Water doesn't cut it and after years of putting whisky and rum in everything else, tea (slightly sweetened w/ lemon) is my new go to. It also quenches the thirst (almost) as good as a cold crisp beer.

I know this isn't an AA group, but thanks for the support. And, I think I shook something loose in FWW. She just called me from work to check up on me. She always calls when she's leaving work (required) but she never calls in the middle of the morning unless she's venting about something.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, man, I love tea. I'm going to start a batch of sun tea on my back porch right now. That is also my go-to N/A drink of choice.

Glad things are shaking up your wife in a good way! Sounds like a good sign to me.


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