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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat- Baby steps. Trying to do this all at once gets overwhelming. Collect information. Let her work on herself to see if she can change. At the same time work on you too.

Be present. Actions are hard to fake. Watch those. Words are cheap and cost nothing to say. It wouldn't be wise to trust those words yet. Be careful. She has the burden of proving she is being truthful. Her past does not do her any favors there.

jjct is always going to be poet emeritus at least

As far as would I want to be in my W shoes ? No. It took some time, but I can drop most of this stuff at her feet and walk away when I want to.

If she hadn't worked on herself she could ignore it or try to give it back to me. She did, so not doing that is the oft mentioned "getting it."

Nitrobob- Is your wife Bi-polar ? I think you mentioned her being manic. Had an ex fiancee who was that way. She cheated on me too. (not my current W thank god). Sorry man. BTDT.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it is important in JFO, to know whether the choice will typically rest with WW or us, at least statistically.

I think the only healthy way through this is to get and stay mindful of our own power, which includes our power to choose what we want. True, if I want R and my W doesn't, I can't R, but I sure can D on my own. I've been victimized, but I'm not a Victim (see Karpman Drama Triangle) unless I choose to be.

There are few good statistics any aspect of infidelity. Lots of surveys have been done, but generally the responders are self-selected, so the results are just anecdotal.

The General Social Survey selects responders scientifically and says that something like 25-30% of men and 15-20% of women have cheated by the time they're 60 or 65, but that's based on interviews, and there's evidence that people under-report anti-social behavior in interviews (as compared to questionnaires).

But statistics don't matter to individual cases anyway. Shirley Glass said that 80% of the couples she treated who said they wanted R actually R'ed - but that told me absolutely nothing about where I'd end up, in the 80% or in the 20%.

Which takes me back to my original point: focusing on one's self and going after what one wants are absolutely critical to getting through this.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:17 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10097 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I missed the party last night. Hopefully y'all didn't do too much damage to the bar, but never fear, what you see on that table is only a tiny fraction of what I got in reserves. No worries, I consider sharing the best type of experience. Sorry I was at chuch...errr, I mean Fenway Park last night taking in a Sox game and have been crazy busy at work this morning.

@SWAT70
Very happy to hear that you got some answers that you needed. Was your gut right? I'm thinking probably so.

I'm thinking we can maybe do something once a week where we are talking and I can just sit back and watch her. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but the internal struggle was killing me. I just decided to go for it and see. Win or lose I'm going to find my answers.

Continue to get your answers. In fact, I would like to see you take it a step further for yourself. Start thinking about what are some things that you need to see. These aren't anything that you need to tell WW about yet, but if you were going to R, what are the things that you need her to do? Stay in IC? Continue to work on herself and then maintenance type work forever? What actions do you need for your own protection? Start thinking about it if you haven't already. On the flip side, if she doesn't show these things that you need to see, what is your plan? Continue on to D? You get the idea. While being conflicted, if anything else, continue to have a plan in place.


@atsenaotie

Cannot understand stbx(?)fww behaving like nothing is changed. Chatting me up about her work, wants to watch movies. The only difference us her 2' away on the sofa instead of cuddled, and sleeping in spare room. Nothing else has changed

Guessing she's in denial on some level and wants to maintain status quo for as long as possible. She probably doesn't want to acknowledge what she has really done or continues to do to you. She doesn't want to face being the bad guy.


@cvs2kkids - I'm somewhat familiar with your story. That's rough. You continue to have my deepest empathy.


@jj - I seem to be making you want to have a cig an awful lot lately. Happy to oblige!

@sisoon

I think the only healthy way through this is to get and stay mindful of our own power, which includes our power to choose what we want.

I very much agree with this statement. The key is to remember that we do have that power for certain aspects of control. It may not be what we always want, but everyone has their own power to control what they can control.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2098 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loves me the mahi.

I know a place on Sarasota Bay where the fish dock owns the restaurant. My meal is swimming just before the pretty girl sets it down with the fried okra and hot sauce. I'm partial to the Gulf grouper. Blackened. Beer is cold. Outside but covered and fans running. Haven't been in four days. Shame on me


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunsets, I'm coming home (childhood home) to sunny FL next week for a much-needed family vacation. So I'll be checking in periodically and commenting on awesome seafood, white sand, warm water, crashing waves, palm trees, and all that good stuff. I can't let you have all the fun.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had me at fried Okra...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3936 | Registered: Dec 2011
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Safe journeys. Nice to take a break once in a while. I think I will take a vacation myself.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, if memory serves (and these days it rarely does) you're heading to Jax? Poe's on Atlantic Blvd is good. Al's Pizza is nice. The corner of A1A and Atlantic has great shops and restaurants. There's an ice cream place on the pedestrian part of Atlantic. Not much parking, but the street parking iis underrated. No meters, but no lined spots. Long white lines on the side of A1A are free. Everybody is scared of them.

Dirty little secret: There's an Irish pub in a strip mall on the north side of Atlantic Blvd. About 0.7 miles from A1A. Reuben egg rolls. Proper Jamison's. I can't remember the name. It's hidden. Big strip mall. Days inn on the south side, just past that.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sunsets, actually we'll be in St. Augustine Bch. For seafood it'll probably be either Saltwater Cowboy or Creekside. I doubt we'll make it north of World Golf Village, but if we have time to make it up to Jax I'll try one of your suggestions. That Irish pub sounds very enticing.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't help you in St Augustine. Never stopped. One more piece (or peace) of unsolicited advice: Catch a sunrise. That's all.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, Florida is sounding really nice about now.

Have some time off next week, myself. Hoping to drop a line or two in a lake here in Colorado with my son, and maybe pull out a rainbow trout or two.


Posts: 7101 | Registered: Dec 2010
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't make me post a picture Lostfer..... I'm freezing. It got down to 74 tonight.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting at a toasty 58 right now. Might have to turn on the AC (a.k.a. open the window).

Posts: 7101 | Registered: Dec 2010
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Colorado. Wouldn't trade it for anything!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, hell yeah, Mercilesslynuked. People come here for vacation... we get to live here!

Posts: 7101 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take Spring - Fall in Virginia. It's lush as hell right now. I just think there are a ton of beautiful places - too bad I can't live in all of them! And there is no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate choices of clothing .

Today starts three days of golf in our clubs big tournament so I won't be around much. Not that anyone cares, just wanted to post that I'll be golfing, drinking, and having a blast over six rounds of two team match play. Plus seafood dinners, live bands, cookouts and beer on the course, and a pig roast Saturday.

Oh look - a six iron...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3936 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cared until you said this Tred
Just wanted to post that I'll be golfing, drinking, and having a blast over six rounds of two team match play. Plus seafood dinners, live bands, cookouts and beer on the course, and a pig roast Saturday.
Then I was jealous Have a relaxing weekend, you've earned it!

And hell yeah Losfer! Dropping a line up in Breck from a canoe Saturday. I'll be sure to take some pictures and drink a beer in all of your honor! Enjoy the weekend Menz!

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 9:33 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I just need to rant a little. Been fucking triggery today, and just realized a few minutes ago that today is 18 months since dday. Not to the date, but it was on Thursday of that week that I saw the definite evidence of what I just suspected from the emails I had read the day before. Also I haven't been sleeping for shit this week. Don't know if it's been the antiversary in the back of my head, or having WW back in the bed after her cruise.

Anyway I've been wanting to have a talk with her again regarding the way she handled this whole thing with going on the cruise, but decided to not hit her with it when she got back Monday. Then Tues. she went out to dinner with a couple of friends because one of them needed to talk about a family matter. Last night she got home late because she went to meet with her nutritionist and do water aerobics. A little while ago she texts me an "I love you." I text it back to her and her next text says, "Promise?" I thought WTF? Would I say it if I didn't? So I replied, "Do you doubt it?" Her next one said, "U seem like u don't want to be around me anymore and it makes me sad." W.T.F.??? Who's the one that ran off on a cruise for almost a week? Who's the one that hasn't been home for the better part of the last two evenings? How the fuck am I supposed to be around you when you aren't even here???? No I haven't been acting like I'm tickled shitless to be around her since she's gotten back, but that's because I'm still pissed about the cruise. Obviously if I can keep her kids out of earshot we're going to have to have that talk tonight.

Regarding the last two nights I know both things are legit. There's no reason to think she was away for any other reason. But, her acting like she doesn't feel loved enough is triggering me as well since that was part of her rationalization for starting the A with Thing 1. Fuck, just get me to Friday already....


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"U seem like u don't want to be around me anymore and it makes me sad."

From what you described WTH, she seems really immature. I've always thought that emotional immaturity is the biggest and most overlooked factor in infidelity.

How the fuck am I supposed to be around you when you aren't even here????

Yeah, it struck me the same way. She never seems to want to be around you. Which is pretty disconcerting considering her past. She wants the privileges and security of being a married woman while retaining the freedom to party and play whenever the mood strikes her. Cake eating, in other words.

Have you read up on the 180?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,

So here is my take:

...wanting to have a talk with her again regarding the ...cruise, but decided to not hit her with it when she got back Monday. Then Tues. she went out to dinner with a couple of friends because one of them needed to talk about a family matter. Last night she got home late because she went to meet with her nutritionist and do water aerobics.

You avoided conflict by not hitting her with it on Monday when she got back, and then a friend's problem trumped time for YOUR (and HER) problem. Now you are feeling resentment, and she can tell something is up. So, lesson learned on this one, do not sit on stuff, just go ahead and share your feelings with her. Sharing feelings should be routine, normal. Saving them up for the right moment makes talking about feelings seem like a bigger deal that it should be. You were wanting to talk with her (I presume) because you want to be closer to her. So even if it is a painful topic, ultimately it is all good stuff for the M.

she texts me an "I love you." I text it back to her and her next text says, "Promise?"... Her next one said, "U seem like u don't want to be around me anymore and it makes me sad." W.T.F.???

Text is fine for pick you up at 8 and please do not forget the milk; it is LOUSY for discussions and sharing feelings. Talk to her about it tonight and assure her you love her (or want to).

Who's the one that ran off on a cruise for almost a week? Who's the one that hasn't been home for the better part of the last two evenings? How the fuck am I supposed to be around you when you aren't even here????

Did you tell her you did not want her to go on the cruise (I forget the exact details)? Did you tell her you did not want her to go our Tuesday or Wednesday nights? That after being apart you wanted to talk and spend time with her? If I said those things to my stbxFWW she would call me clinging and needy, and that is why we are headed to D, but it is fair for you to express your feelings, wants, and needs and then to watch to see how she responds. But you have to tell her what you want first.

--Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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