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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, If your W is committed to honesty, she's taken a big step toward becoming a good candidate for R. I don't mean you should choose R, but it's good that it may be available to you if you want it.

Sal, Until recently, I viewed triggers as pain coming to the surface so I could release it. At 16 months, a trigger could affect me for days. Now, 3.5 years out, I've started to fight them - despite the fact that the only wisdom about triggers that I've gleaned is to roll with triggers, not fight them.

HeartFOH, I strongly suspect I'd still rather be me than her if my W had not been a candidate for R. Remember, they always affair down. Sorry your W hasn't yet figured that out.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10075 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats - that's the quote, and it's on the quote thread (12)
During much our M I was pretty happy with my life and myself despite not getting much love or support from my W. stbxFWW took my happiness as proof that she was a good W. OTOH, stbxFWW was rarely happy, struggled with shame and insecurity. She saw this as proof that I was not a good H.

That is a great description - a revealing description! - that is common amongst us. If we ever get a *sticky of menz sayings* put up here - that surely belongs.

Swat, how often do the bad guys blame someone else for their crimes? That's why you're villainized. Same thing.

Sal - no worries mate, no apologies necessary. I just had a thought...
maybe begin to differentiate triggers from 'overall crappy feelings' (not quite as intense, maybe). Might make it easier to handle.
Losfer's point @ putting expectations on himself (for accelerated healing, or even the question: shouldn't I be better by now?) might help to take some pressure off too.
Someone asked me; "When do the tears stop?" My answer was; "Whenever they stop."
AKA: Feel what you feel.
I know we're brutes, and we're only supposed to be able to feel rage, lust, and triumph - but fucke'em. What do they know?
It'll be our special secret.
*special secret handshake pinky clasp*

Nitro, this makes me think

There clearly is a point at which dredging up the sins of WW becomes counter-productive. I'm not sure it immunizes them to further affairs, and it might create the hopelessness as in "it will never be right again" which might make them easy targets going forward. That is what worries me.

From what I've seen - that's a sticking point/stage of growth for the remorseful WW's, where they are the ones dealing with the self-flagellation. It's a big part, ok, a huge part of the remorseful's journey to healing.
You didn't mean it as You were bringing it up (the sins) were you?
Maybe you were. And that's a BS phase too. But if she's truly remorseful, I'm pretty sure you'll find the need to do that lessening, disappearing. In fact, because - she's got that base covered.
You might even find yourself feeling sorry for her struggles with herself at some point...ok, some.
We're "allowed" to express our pain and true feelings about things. We just don't have to be assholes to do so though.

Just looking at yop's setup makes me wanna have a cig.


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon, I'll certainly agree with that. Having an affair would break me in so many more ways than what I have had to face from her affair. I hope she figures it out someday, but I doubt she will. Like everyone else has been saying I'm the demon, mostly at fault, etc. and she just got caught on the slippery slope. She does regret what she did, but that's not enough for me.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 144 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, on a road trip with FWW. Can't post much. Two things.

1. IMHO, she's a candidate for R. How *good* is TBD.

2 Win or lose I'm going to find my answers.
Reframe this a bit. It's not a w/l situation now. Everything from here is a W for you. R or D. Keep on moving forward.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe Friday....jeez. You're going back a LONG time with that reference, SWAT. Did you wear a suit and a hat, too? Bring along Col. Potter (Harry Morgan) as your "good cop" counterpart?
BTW, did you know that the LAPD HQ shown in that show was also used in Superman as the Daily Planet building? How's that for trivia?

Glad the interrogation was productive.

You are on long term surveillance duty now -- keep watching and see if she keeps up the personal improvement. People can and do get lazy, you know, when they think their struggle is over. I'm not suggesting she'll return to wandering ways, but she's got to improve her coping skills from what I've read here. And realize not everything that happens in the Universe is a direct threat to her sense of happiness.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW didn't get angry about my dredging up A stuff with anniversary tomorrow. She let it glide by. So that's good.
Really dreading the sex pressure on anniversary. Hard enough anyway without it being our anniversary and my being triggery. I wish I could fake it like women can!

Swat, good for you. Either way, the truth will set you free. When our whole lives are in the balance it amazes me WWs still lie. Even if they plan on leaving for good, they still want to minimize.

Which brings up a thought that more experienced members might know the answer to.

Divorce is much more likely when women have the affair than when men do, that is a fact. The idea is that for women it's more emotional, perhaps signals exit affair. Other stuff I've read says men are less tolerant, more likely to bolt. Which is it, women exit or men exit? Probably a little of both, but it is important in JFO, to know whether the choice will typically rest with WW or us, at least statistically.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schadenfreude, I could break out some Adam-12 and CHIPS references too, or maybe not. No partner or suit and tie, just cargo shorts and a polo. Budget cut backs and new era ya know.

Your so right. After talking today it seems like she thinks the sky is falling in her world a lot. She is in IC and hopefully that will help her. I'm optimistic she can change but also realistic to know she might not change enough.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 330 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone asked me; "When do the tears stop?" My answer was; "Whenever they stop."
AKA: Feel what you feel. I know we're brutes, and we're only supposed to be able to feel rage, lust, and triumph - but fucke'em. What do they know?
It'll be our special secret.
*special secret handshake pinky clasp*

Ok jj, just between us Menz then...

We're "allowed" to express our pain and true feelings about things. We just don't have to be assholes to do so though.

A lesson I still haven't learned. My wife is learning to be a reformed wayward, and I'm learning to be a more pleasant betrayed. We both have a lot of work to do.

WW wanted to talk so we did. I kind if went Joe Friday on her ass. I didn't want feelings or emotions I wanted just the facts ma'am.

SWAT, brother, you're the man. I did the same thing. Also have a law enforcement background and am now an attorney. I remember well the day that I went Joe Friday/cross-examing prosecutor on my wife, under the threat of a lie detector test. I got all the ugly details. They were so ugly it's hard to believe there could be anything more out there. She broke around 2:00 a.m. Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex. She's not entitled to know things of that nature that I don't. I can relate to your experience. But at least you know, right? If you're going to R or D, you should know exactly what you're R'ing or D'ing.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 8:18 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops

[This message edited by outside4me at 8:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex.


Sal, I'm so glad I drink cheap beer. Cause a lot of it came out of my nose. I don't think it's ever been summed up so concisely.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it is important in JFO, to know whether the choice will typically rest with WW or us, at least statistically.

This question is about not living within yourself - seeking external validation.
*Do the authorities agree?*

What of the quoters of statistics?
You may be most accomplished in what you do - ask yourself brother what does your inward sighing sigh?
What stitched the inch of your healing heart?

Did it stitch the inch that healed?

No committee
No authority
No one but you
deigns
what heals.

I can tell you what doesn't
and the misdirections that miss the skies
some other whys
if I held myself further
I'd lie.

the most important choice, really the choice after end is all yours. It was yours after all.
(not dependent on her)
Your choice.

Smell what I'm cookin?


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I smell it. But only after I paid the tax, baited the line, waited patiently.


Then I got a bite. I fought for hours. Even after it landed I still had to clean it. Filet it. Take exactly what I wanted and throw the rest back.

And even then, I had to season it, cook it just right.

It's still not perfect. But I'll keep fishing


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm learning to be a more pleasant betrayed.

This is why you're wise. I think, anyone who troubles themselves to tap these keys, put it on this ephemeral here, to just pay it forward and help someone else

in the midst of the shitstorm they're going through themselves?

is wise and good and worthy. Please. Just write this down. On the tablets of your hearts.
This is how I think of you.
In truth,
because it's true.
the rest of me eyes is blurry


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's grill that fucker up sunsets.
I loves me the mahi.

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jj... I'm a simple man. Only eat six foods. So you may be cooking something I've never tasted.

I'm in R, so the question is one I had on D day. Do they typically go with OM or stay. Like with cancer, what are my odds doc? 60 percent at five years? Like that. Curious if scholarly info out there like that.

Wifey found a replacement for me

Hid it so I couldn't see.

Her actions screamed Polo to my Marco,

And she trickle truthed until I went loco.

How's that?


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, the poet laureate of the Menz thread. I love it.

Sal, I'm so glad I drink cheap beer. Cause a lot of it came out of my nose. I don't think it's ever been summed up so concisely.

Thanks sunsets.

Oh look...

ETA: Update. After reading Nitrobob's recent post, I've concluded that jj is still the poet laureate of the Menz thread. But his effort is still much better than anything I could produce. Stay awesome, my friends.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 9:27 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, somebody has to take a run at JJ to keep him sharp! I'm hoping the pain will bring out the struggling artist in me.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, have a care brother. Didn't Van Gogh take that route?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct, love peanut mahi fresh on the grill while trolling. Unfortunately the 23' Sailfish CC must be sold to feed the D-monster.

Cannot understand stbx(?)fww behaving like nothing is changed. Chatting me up about her work, wants to watch movies. The only difference us her 2' away on the sofa instead of cuddled, and sleeping in spare room. Nothing else has changed, she has not set up her independent checking account and does not want to think about property division yet, but she wants the D. I am ready to D too, but suspect that I will have to file to keep things moving. Was hoping for a nice and cheap non-contested dissolution.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Swat,

Been following your story and although you're in a low point right now, at least your WW (STXWW??) is showing remorse.

My STBXWW is making plans to play house with OM#2. She basically says "Stuff happens" and is moving on.

Luckily, my DD15 is staying with me, so I'll have someone to focus on.

Currently, STXWW lives in my house when she woks then runs 75 miles away to shack up with OM. I Need to play nice until separation agreement (she could take me to cleaners), but be glad when her sorry ass is gone.

Glad to see her go but having a really blue day.
Who is this crazy whore I married?


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


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