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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
numb&dumb
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Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat-

Looking at it with a clear head it doesn't make any sense. It is kind of like trying to understand someone speaking a different language.

I lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out how to make sense of crazy. Then I realized the very definition of crazy means you can't understand it. It is was understood it would never be called crazy.

They do it because they are selfish. They have a conscience so in order to not hate themselves for it, they "invent" all kinds of things to hide the truth from themselves or others.

The broken part is where they don't stop when they start hating themselves. It is easier to hate us and blame us for the situation. Admitting they are choosing to do it would require a level of being honest with themselves that they are not comfortable with or never had before.

Believe or not, some people get through life without being able to be honest with themselves.

After time, you will come to see your W with pity. I know I do. I can't imagine being that disconnected from myself or being able to lie to myself like that. My guess is you can't either.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2555 | Registered: May 2010
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@SWAT70

But I'm having the hardest time getting past what seems to be a common theme. They all regret what they did, but how do they get to that point. I'm not nor have I ever been abusive. I never ignored her, I made a conscious effort to spend quality time with her. I never went a day without telling her she was beautiful and I loved her. So how did she make me out to be this horrible person. If that is indeed what she did to justify her affair. I just can't comprehend that. How do you get past that?

My apologies to the menz as my response is going to be long. Here are some more pieces to my story. As a few of you know my mother blew my family apart with her A 25 years ago. Unfortunately my mother put me on the front line of her affair which is why I'm here on SI today. I spent 25 fucking years looking for answers to these questions. 25. Years. No exaggeration. It's in my user. I've read many different forums, many different psychology articles, more bullshit from Huffington Post and Redbook than any human being should have to endure. It wasn't until I found SI is where I found my answer. Not many other forums (a few do in a subconscious context) really discuss the reason why. There are thousands of reasons why. Everyone wayward has their own version of the reason why. The only 1 common denominator that they all have in common...they are all broken in some way, which has noting to do with us. I used to read all that stuff thinking, yeah, I think she had that one. Well, no, this reason fits better. Father wasn't paying attention, he wasn't any fun....blah blah blahshit!! SI is where I found that it doesn't fucking matter. Maybe she hated us as a family, maybe she really had it in for my father... You know what, she had it in for herself. She couldn't make herself happy. Don't know how she could possibly think someone else could if she can't make herself happy. It took me 25 fucking years to stop blaming myself and realize that she was broken. (I have also since learned wth happened to me with her NPD shit. SI lead me in that direction to which explains the abuse from my childhood).

Now something else that you vaguely allude to here is that "she made you out to be this horrible person". You got to see that justification up front in that journal. Spelled out for you right there in her own writing. I saw the same. In fact, that's a huge part of my dday story is finding my mother's diary and all of the vomit lies and fantasy in all it's glory. Even things like how AP was telling her that she was so good in bed that she should teach my brother and I how to fuck. And she goes into graphic detail on just exactly how she was going to do that. I also got to read all about the fucking and sucking her and her AP did as well as the taste. Yep. I was 16 and this was my mom. I also got to read a pack full of lies she put in there about my father, and us as family, so that she could justify what she was doing. Even me personally on how I wasn't as good as a kids as her AP's kids and how she would prefer to spend time with them because they deserved it. All sort of wonderful fucked up shit that I got to read about. SWAT, I'm guessing very much the same for you. How do you get passed this? Took me 25 years, but the gist is that you have to realize that it's ALL fantasy. ALL of it. None of what's in her words could exist in the light of day IRL. Sure they may have done those things that are in there and are extremely painful, but the thoughts to go with the actions support a fantasy world. Not a real one. I knew my mother never committed any sexual abuse acts on myself, but I wasn't so sure about my brother and I secretly suspected that if she had committed any sexual abuse acts on my brother, that may have fueled his suicide. Honestly, I don't think she did. I never saw any hint of that outside that journal. I slowly came to the realization that it was all fantasy. For 25 years I believed it all to be true. I have no doubt that maybe SOME OF the sex acts that she described were true with her AP, but I know the one's with myself were not true. I was able to come to terms with this recently. No less painful, but it really is just a pile of shit. Especially their thoughts. They are just that...thoughts. A snapshot of fucked up shit that's in their heads.

After having done a ton of research these past few months on narcissism, I would have to argue that most waywards have varying degrees of narcissism or they wouldn't do what they do. Narcs are me me me me me me all the time. In my mother's case it's a bit extreme and there is no cure for it. With others, it's a behavioral issue and many of them work long and hard on themselves to live a better life, make better choices, and learn to make themselves happy by not making it all about themselves all the time. SWAT, IMHO, I think your WW is one of the later. She's working on herself. Could she slip and revert back. Of course. I get the conflicted feelings. Let her keep working. Keep watching. Keep moving forward. 6 months is a long time. A lot can happen between now and then. As time goes on, maybe the picture will clear for you a bit more. I know what your head and your heart are telling you. What is your gut telling you?

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
william
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Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think its a common theme swat.

my wife started demonizing me. she decided i was the "bad guy".

i was the guy that was no good ... in ALL of her stories. as she got further and further into her A's the stories became more and more twisted. she rewrote history. i mean COMPLETELY rewrote it. an example once she wanted something from a store, i said i didnt want to go get it, she got mad and said she would go, i said "okay, if its that important ill get it then", she said "im going", i said "ill go too", and she said "no, i go alone. i dont want you to come". yet that story morphed into "i MADE her go out in the snow to the store" (and this is berlin in winter so keep in mind its a SERIOUS snow... . but she told that story to everyone in the twisted version. she made it sound as if id told her i wanted something from the store, threw her ass out the door, and then wouldnt let her back in until she had scampered back from the store. she badmouthed me to everyone that would listen.

after all, if im the demon then she "must" be the good guy. neh? if shes the good guy then what shes doing must be okay ... right? that appears to be the slim reed that she used to start justifying her affairs. the further in she got the more "bad" i became.

but a funny thing is that even her "friends" that were agreeing with her about what an evil guy i am are the same group of friends that were previously agreeing with her that i was such a great guy and were also the same group of friends that were later all agreeing with my wife when she decided to drop her LTA guy and "work on her marriage" with me" because i was a "good guy". she discovered that they were only an echo chamber that agreed with whatever she said. during the A it helped her to justify, now she feels contempt for them for not speaking up when she was doing so much "wrong".

me ... i look at my wife with lots of hurt, sadness, and feelings of betrayal. i love her too. she might have "had fun" during her affairs (although she claims it was "never" fun or enjoyable but im not sure if i buy that one or ever will) but id not trade places with her for anything. now she gets to live with her conscious - for the rest of her life she gets to deal with knowing that she F'ed up, she broke her vows, that she lied, that it was ALL her fault .... and thats got to be a heavy load. i wouldnt want to be her and i feel sympathy for her and i suspect that after ive had more time to process it all (and ive had more time than you) my sympathy level will only increase. id never want to be the betrayer.

[This message edited by william at 9:35 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 546 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP-
I just wanted to say "Thank You" for sharing all that....that sounds incredibly painful.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen, stocking up the bar. Something/someone tells me one way or the other we are going to need it in a little while.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 12:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HeartFullOfHoles
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Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP that looks like an excellent start. Now add the right food and there's not much else anyone is going to need. Thanks for sharing.

SWAT, I'm struggling with crazy just like you, but now that D appears to be the path of choice it's not my problem anymore. She and all her issues are for her to deal with. I told her yesterday I do not want to talk or text with her regarding relationship issues. If she wants to send an email that's fine, but I'll get around to reading/responding if and when I have time. The phone and text are for discussing our daughters and issues regarding the divorce. It is still incredibly painful, but I'm not going to support crazy anymore.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 160 | Registered: Mar 2014
Nitrobob
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Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Menz. First a comment, and then I fucked up.

First the comment. The wayward still has the advantage, no matter what we think in terms of them having to bear a heavy guilt load or not being as honorable as us. They wanted us less than we wanted them, at least for a time. Despite doing the unimaginable, we take them back. They know it. We know it. No reason to dance around it, or hide from it with psycho-babble. It's like quitting your job because the boss is a dick and coming back hat in hand regretful you left. It's life, and it sometimes isn't pretty.We do what we have to do, but it stings. They sensed they were in the drivers seat from the beginning. Losing the marriage was something they were willing to risk, because it wasn't as important to them as it was to you. Period.

Now to the fuck up.

WW sent:

Yes, Wed is our anniversary. I didnt think youd remember, but Im glad we are together.

Love you!
------------------------------------

I sent:

i always remember. it was a very happy day for me. I was nervous about trying it again though, I remember that.

My anniversary with [wife #1}, July 9, used to be a happy day, Then it became a sad day,she and I were fighting all the time about her drinking, and finally it was just another day, when you and I got married. Now its the day you came to [my work 2 hours away] to meet the [AP], didnt say hello to me, drove 2 hours back, a bad day again. The start of first marriage and the end of the second, the same day, 34 years apart..

I guess you learn to be happy about anniversaries for what you hoped for at the time, a new start,
a happy life, love that lasts. Hope over experience for both of us, right, in a second marriage.
---------------
I'm feeling bad now, like I'm purposely dragging her through the mud one day before 9th anniversary, 9 months after DD. Don't know why I did it. I want to R so why am I torpedoing it every time things are looking up??


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Montreal
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Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP, yours is an incredible story, and I'm incredibly sorry you had to live it. I cannot even begin to imagine the horror.

I too struggle with how my wife was able to demonize me. I mean, I get it, they have to do it, otherwise they're just dirty cheating whores, right? They have to have a reason, and some of them have to really struggle to find one. My wife, along with the usual "didn't say he loved me enough", also threw in "he never says 'bless you' when I sneeze" and "there were times when I would come home from 'working' late and I would find out that he had given our kids second helpings of spaghetti and there would be none left for me."

How fucking demented is that? She would come home three hours after supper was finished and be disappointed in me that there was no cold spaghetti left for her to eat because the kids had eaten it all. How hard do you have to struggle to find a reason to cheat when one of the worst things you can say about your husband is "he fed my hungry children instead of me??" It really and truly is some fucked up thinking. No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that our wives are different, that they really couldn't be that shallow, in the end they just are. At least at that point in time anyways. Some of them get it. Some of them are embarrassed and ashamed that they actually went there. Others aren't. In the end, in my opinion, THAT'S what really determines whether or not you can reconcile.

It's been said a billion times on SI, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that it really doesn't matter what I said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. Or what she said I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say. Sure, there were issues in the marriage. Every marriage has issues. But that's the key; Every marriage has issues. It would have happened no matter what marriage they were in, and they would find some weird shit to justify it no matter what you did. It's important that we, as the betrayed, recognize that for our own sanity. It's important that our wives, as the cheaters, realize that not only for THEIR own sanity, but for the future of the marriage as well.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 89 | Registered: Sep 2013
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too struggle with how my wife was able to demonize me. I mean, I get it, they have to do it, otherwise they're just dirty cheating whores, right? They have to have a reason, and some of them have to really struggle to find one.

Along the same lines as Montreal's and other's recent posts, my wife justified sleeping with her POSOM on our daughter's birthday / Valentine's Day thusly: "We (her and I) argued the night before."

Uhhh.... ...okayyyyy. Guess that's as good a reason as any to defile not just our marriage, but our child's birthday. And a so-called "romantic" Hallmark holiday. Their encounter that day apparently consisted of take-out burgers and a roll in the hay. Classy stuff. So much for romance, but I guess it's all good in Affairville.

It would have been better if she had just been honest and owned up to the fact that she didn't give a damn about our daughter or me and wanted to have a quicky nooner with her lover that day. Instead, she suggests that my demeanor the day before was the real culprit (never mind that her affair was 10 months old at the time).

In their mind, it's always our fault. Otherwise how could one even begin to justify such despicable behavior? And it is truly low, despicable behavior, no matter what b.s. justifications they come up with.

I think WAL made the point recently that when you hear a WW's take on why they did what they did, or what they perceive is/was wrong in the marriage or with you, just consider the source.

It's been said a billion times on SI, but I'm slowly coming to the realization that it really doesn't matter what I said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. Or what she said I did or didn't do, or said or didn't say. Sure, there were issues in the marriage. Every marriage has issues. But that's the key; Every marriage has issues. It would have happened no matter what marriage they were in, and they would find some weird shit to justify it no matter what you did. It's important that we, as the betrayed, recognize that for our own sanity. It's important that our wives, as the cheaters, realize that not only for THEIR own sanity, but for the future of the marriage as well.

Well stated Montreal. It's definitely worth repeating. It's them, not us. I have faults, but when I look in the mirror there's a faithful husband staring back. And I can look at my wife and kids and honestly say that I never allowed a lowlife who is trying to destroy our family into our lives.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:32 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
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Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too struggle with how my wife was able to demonize me.


I was the "enemy of fun".
I went to pick her up from a friend's house two blocks away because she was bombed out of her mind and she had to work the next day. (She had lost two jobs in the previous 13 months) She threw a drink in my face.

I recognized the flaws in the marriage but I never saw the flaws in her. It was when I began to make healthy changes and pay more attention when she began her A. She was already gone. She wanted out. Her mind was made up. It took a long time to accept that it was her, not me. And I'm eternally thankful for that reminder both here and from other friends. Her selfishness. Her weakness. Her problems she refused to share. I don't know if she bad mouthed me to AP, friends, family. I didn't care. The cruelty in the few weeks of in house S confirmed it. She wanted me gone. I'm lucky. The decision was made for me. For me the demonization became "Whatever she needs to get her through the night." I knew I had the chance to get out and I jumped all over it.

The moral of the story is, yes. They will tell themselves anything to justify it. Their AP, friends of the A, and others that get TT will lend support. It's not a lie if they believe it. I read story after story here. It's like they have a manual. We have one, too. It's a collaborative effort but it's been beneficial to me.


yop, make mine a double.

Oh look.....


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob, you didn't screw up. Everything you said was truth and she obviously wants you simply to forget all about the significance of the day. I can see where she might not recall that July 9 is your anniversary number 1, but she might recall her long drive of July 9 in more recent years.

Make me happy by celebrating our anniversary. And btw, forget about the little problem we had a while back. That's how I read her message unless its just happy drivel.

Do you ignore patient complaints because they don't fit your theorized differential diagnosis? I doubt it. Should you treat yourself differently by ignoring your own "patient complaints" ? I suggest such would not be wise. If your goal is R, then you have to deal with your own patient complaints.

The fact that you're not living in Happyland with her just 9 months post D Day should not shock her. Or you. Remember the 2 to 5 year "natural history of affair recovery" people post about here. Anecdotal evidence if only a few. But this is a large population study, isn't it?

As you can tell, I am not a physician. I just like to use the jargon.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob, if you screwed up it pales in comparison to the screw up that got you both in this situation to begin with. You didn't create this mess, you're just trying to deal and cope as best you can. Go easy on yourself.

Wouldn't mind some feedback from some vets - we're at 16 months today, and I've been triggering and in a lot of pain on-and-off for about 3 weeks, particularly the last 4 days. We're getting ready to take a triggery vacation, and I'm sure that doesn't help.

Also triggered a bit watching the interviews after Game 5 of the NBA finals. Tim Duncan, a BH and universally recognized good guy, was holding his two kids and mentioned that they've been through so much. He just enjoyed the crowning achievement of his career, and I could see the pain in his eyes when he held his kids. One of my first dates with WW was a Spurs game back in '95, and since we both lived in SA for 4 years and met in that city, the whole thing was kind of triggery.

Still...16 months into what seems like a positive R still finds me capable of slipping back into the abyss. There's so much rage and pain. Healing from infidelity really does move at a glacial pace. Maybe this is the year 2 struggles I've read about on this site. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Schadenfreude

Somehow I must have mentioned I was a doctor somewhere, or you were just making an analogy.
Unfortunately, being a doc didn't help me see my wife was manic, or keep me from contemplating suicide last year. I'm pretty sure if it weren't for my kids I might have done it. All of my knowledge of that kind of pain was theoretical, book stuff, until it happens to you. Then all the logic goes straight out the window, and you act like a wounded animal just wanting the pain and self hatred to end.

There clearly is a point at which dredging up the sins of WW becomes counter-productive. I'm not sure it immunizes them to further affairs, and it might create the hopelessness as in "it will never be right again" which might make them easy targets going forward. That is what worries me.

Sal..

Triggers are very tough for me too. Compartmentalization can help you here, the way it helped WW during the affair itself. Just pick a time when you can safely wallow, say 10-1030 AM, and do it all then. When you feel the trigger, just say to yourself, no, thats for wallow time which isn't until tomorrow or which I already did this morning. It helps me anyway.

Bob


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal - I'm sorry to hear you are triggering and going through so much pain lately.

One thing I have found is that I tend to "feel" triggers more when there are other stress factors involved... stress at work, prepping for a big trip, extended family drama, that kind of thing.

Also, I remember that time period when I was 1.5 to 2 years into this, and I almost felt like I was putting some pressure on myself to heal. It's almost like I was taking a look at the "two to five year" healing timeline that is talked about so often, and I wanted to "overachieve", and heal before the two year mark even hit. Putting that expectation upon myself kind of set me up for failure from time to time, because when I would trigger or feel the pain of the A, I was not only feeling that pain, but feeling a sort of disappointment in myself for feeling that way.

The thing is, you are going to heal when you heal, and you are going to feel pain when you feel pain. I think you are doing the right things for being in R. You are actively working on yourself, and you are being a loving husband to your wife, who seems to be remorseful and working hard as well.

So, I guess my only advice is to feel what you feel, accept those feelings for what they are, as painful as they may be. I like Bob's suggestion that if the pain is just too much, set aside a specific time to wallow, if need be. I don't remember setting aside time to do that, myself, but I did something very similar, in that I would set aside some time to roll the windows up in my car, crank some loud metal, and let it out with some primal screams. I got my Slipknot scream down pretty well doing that!

Hang in there pal. We're here for you... know that you aren't doing anything wrong by hurting from time to time.

ETA: I vote for a party at YOP's house! What a nice collection. That ought to be enough to bring all of us good cheer!

[This message edited by LosferWords at 4:01 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7243 | Registered: Dec 2010
numb&dumb
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Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Let it out. Whatever works best for you. Don't keep that crap stuck in your head.

If you are able to let your W in a little so she can help or listen to the "yuck" stuck in your head. Give her the opportunity to witness the pain she has caused. It is her burden afer all.

Write it down and let her read it.

Ask her if there is something you need. Even if you just want to hear an apology.

Exercise. Drink.

Look in the mirror and remind yourself who you are and that the only way you lose in this is by letting it change who you are.

Do something nice for someone else. (This one really works.)

Spend time with one of your kids. Have a daddy daughter date night, etc. See them light up and realize making them happy makes you happy.

Eat an ice cream cone in a public place just like when you were a kid.


. . .Some or all of those help me.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2555 | Registered: May 2010
sisoon
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob: The wayward still has the advantage, no matter what we think in terms of them having to bear a heavy guilt load or not being as honorable as us. They wanted us less than we wanted them, at least for a time. Despite doing the unimaginable, we take them back. They know it. We know it. No reason to dance around it, or hide from it with psycho-babble.

Over-generalization, IMO. My W has been way more scared of losing me since D-day than I've been about losing her. All I've had to deal with is my pain.

She's had to deal with all the pain that she was avoiding by cheating, and she has to change from cheater to good partner. All the while she's been worried about whether or not she's changing fast enough and whether or not I'm just getting so fed up with the struggle that I'll leave.

I'd much rather be me than her.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex demonized me too, to everybody who would listen but not to me. She had to in order to justify to herself what she was doing. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Stalin operated the Gulag because people were out to get him.

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
HeartFullOfHoles
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Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then you are a lucky man sisoon. That difference is probably the major factor between traveling down the road to R and heading for D. I know if I felt empathy and remorse from my WW we would not be heading for D. I gave her over two years with the first six months trying to be understanding while she openly grieved the OM because she was "In love with him." She now blames me for her not being able to show empathy/remorse. My pain often comes out as anger/frustration now since she often throws expressions of pain back in my face or invalidates them. I don't trust her with my pain. She now says she can't show empathy or remorse when I'm angry/frustrated and unfortunately she hasn't been able to comfort me when I'm feeling pain either so it seems like it is time to set the anchor free.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 160 | Registered: Mar 2014
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd much rather be me than her.

Amen to that. Being stuck in this hell is bad enough, I can't imagine being the one who caused it. That must be especially tough when you have to tell the little ones that the family is about to break up.

Nitro, Losfer, numb, much thanks for the support and suggestions gents. I will take your words to heart.

jjct, if I missed a "WSS" or two, my apologies. I know I've received kudos from you in the past, brother. They are much appreciated.

I was the "enemy of fun".

I bet! Weren't we all? I mean, if you're a 40-yr. old WW who wants to drink and party and dance the night away like a 21 year old, I guess your stable forty-something hubby would be a bit of a buzzkill. But she cherishes me now...

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well. I was sick of feeling indecisive. So I did what I always do. Picked up a weapon and faced the enemy head on. Usually works for me, except that one time I ended up in a hospital.

WW wanted to talk so we did. I kind if went Joe Friday on her ass. I didn't want feelings or emotions I wanted just the facts ma'am. I used every interview and interrogation technique I know. As far as i can tell she was honest and told the truth. I won't lie it sucked to hear some of the shit she said about me and some of the things she did to have her affair. I struggled with some things she did with OM and would deny me. She explained it and I logically understand, but he had a part of my wife I haven't and likely won't.

She said some things that helped me to. She said she wouldn't give up fighting for me even if it took her fifty years. Obvious exaggeration but still made me feel good. I asked her to if we could talk again Friday and maybe have dinner. She agreed. I'm thinking we can maybe do something once a week where we are talking and I can just sit back and watch her. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but the internal struggle was killing me. I just decided to go for it and see. Win or lose I'm going to find my answers.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


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