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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So late this morning WW texts me "happy father's day, I love you" from the ship. Least she's texted so far, but she is texting me. A bit later youngest step-son brings me cards. One from WW with Lowe's gift card, nice. One from him, probably meant to be signed by his older brother too, but I think he's pissed at me right now (oh no, not that ). Inside, a Google Play gift card. Cool. I keep hoping to hear from my son. Text, call, something. About an hour later I sign on to FB. First thing that comes up is a post from my son. In it he says I taught him everything he knows about fishing (not quite true, he's way better than me), that I've always been there when he needed someone, always listened when he needed someone to listen. That he's always looked up to me and I'm his role model. Signed off with an ILY. Damn near made me cry like a baby. Best father's day present ever


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 272 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A late Happy Father's Day to my fellow Menz. Hope you all had a good one.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy late fathers day....

Going to start the Divorce proceedings Tuesday with no possible R... I know R will not happen because I have started to go on the offensive in my campaign against OM.

1. I am putting an ad in the news paper.
2. I am putting an ad on a billboard.

I am going to make the ad myself and send it to the people to post. It will have the following. His picture that he sent to my WW and text:

"BE ON THE LOOK OUT. LIKES TO SLEEP WITH RELATIVE'S WIFE. IF YOU SEE THIS MAN, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM YOUR MARRIAGE."


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS, will these ads help you heal and move forward?

I understand the desire for vengeance. I still have thoughts of inflicting horrifying pain on the OM, or plastering his neighborhood with flyers detailing what a shitstain he is. I've never done any of it, because ultimately it's not worth it. That miserable approximation of a man doesn't deserve anything from me but cold indifference.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Los - Sorry to hear that you're headed to D. In regards to your campaign against POSOM, be careful that there's no way he can get you for libel, defamation, or anything like that first. Hate to see it backfire on you.

WW's back from her cruise. She called a bit ago and is so ready to be home and see me She expects to be home before I get off work, and I told her I'd started a pot roast this morning. She said I was such a good H, and that she'd told her table mates at dinner what a good H I am, and how much I do for her. I couldn't help but think I don't do things for her now that I hadn't done for her before, yet she thought I was such a POS then that she cheated on me. I don't know if it's a new perspective on her part, or just ass kissing to put me in a better mood about the cruise. Either way, I'm still not happy about it, and to be quite honest I didn't miss her that much.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 272 | Registered: Dec 2012
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Healing... not sure but I may get a good chuckle out of it.

2. Don't think he could get me for defamation. He doesn't have the money and then he would have to admit the truth to everyone.

Your wife returns and she is in a good mood and treating you like your the man all of a sudden... call it HOVERING or HOOVERING...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH- My guess based on what you've shared is that she trying like mad to get back into your good graces as quickly as possible.

She doesn't like being the one in a position of "disadvantage." Trips over. The credit card bill from that trip just showed up and she knows it. (metaphor for putting off her guilt in favor of looking forward to the trip).

She thinks she is going to get one past you by flattering you into compliance. Being nice to you is supposed to make you forget how selfish she was ?

What is she going to do to PROVE that she did not do what you pictured her doing a thousand times while she was gone ? She broke that trust the burden of proof lies on her.

My guess is you have even less trust than you did before the trip.

Further why try to nice someone back into compliance ? So you'll have the opportunity to use that to your advantage again once their guard is down. Probably not another A, but future cruises, etc.

I say let her have it. Get it off your chest. At least you will feel better and not have to carry this angst around any longer.

What is the female version of the dog house ? Put her there.

FWIW I am kind of a prick so maybe someone else has better, less confrontational, advice.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2555 | Registered: May 2010
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai - No.

Take the high road. You will not regret it when all is said and done.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9179 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the female version of the dog house ? Put her there.

FWIW I am kind of a prick so maybe someone else has better, less confrontational, advice.

Nope, I second that. After what she's done going on the cruise without WTH was an outrageous act of disrespect. At some point there has to be serious consequences for selfish and destructive behavior.

I have started to go on the offensive in my campaign against OM.

1. I am putting an ad in the news paper.
2. I am putting an ad on a billboard.

LS, I've had a hundred revenge fantasies since DDay. But I've had to face the fact that in the end, I'll just be hurting myself by giving the POS so much headspace. Anyway, (1) he doesn't give a damn, (2) she probably doesn't give a damn and might actually get off on the drama she's created, (3) you'll be out a lot of money, and (4) you'll look kind of desperate and pathetic in the process.

And you will face the further indignity of fighting for a woman who, when the rubber hit the road, didn't fight for you or the marriage.

The fact is, the OM screwed your wife because she let him. Because she wanted him to. Because she didn't love you enough not to do those things. Because she is immoral and weak. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the world is full of potential OMs. They are like ants - kill one and the queen can send two more to take his place. We only have one wife, and they let us down in the worst way imaginable.

Shaming the OM - if that's even possible - isn't going to solve your WW problem.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:31 PM, June 16th (Monday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WSS


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 758 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,

I couldn't help but think I don't do things for her now that I hadn't done for her before, yet she thought I was such a POS then that she cheated on me.

Why can't you ask her this?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37242 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spot on advice Sal. You are doing well young Padawan... WAL would be proud.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first WSS. Thanks sunsets, Tred. Maybe a little bit of WAL has rubbed off on me. I may be biased but think that the ant anology was somewhat WAL-like. Not bad for a mortal.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS,

I don't think it is worth the effort to shame OM.
Given he would sleep with a married woman it seems like shame is not really that much of an issue for him.

I'm in a bad place right now because it looks like you and I are on parallel journeys right now. Fathers day really sucked and today was even worse. What did I do to deserve all this pain? This just sucks!


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 157 | Registered: Mar 2014
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact is, the OM screwed your wife because she let him. Because she wanted him to. Because she didn't love you enough not to do those things. Because she is immoral and weak. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but the world is full of potential OMs. They are like ants - kill one and the queen can send two more to take his place. We only have one wife, and they let us down in the worst way imaginable.
Eloquently put, Sal. Ain't no shortage of those asshats... like cockroaches they infest damn near every corner of the earth. You can spray all you want, but until the wife quits leaving food out for them, well...

[This message edited by outside4me at 1:05 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the first WSS - maybe even the 3rd or 4th.

A slight reframe to

the OM screwed your wife because...she didn't love you enough

becomes
she didn't love herself enough.

Is more to what is true because
it was never ever ever
about you.

LS - gotta go with all the NO on the "space in your head" crowd.
It's the exact same advice you get over
and over
and over.

Get into yourself. Why do you continue to direct your energies to that which is outside of you? (you don't have to answer *me* - just ask yourself)

This is a fact you ignore & resist at your own emotional (& often physical) peril:
The more you go inside - into yourself
the less posers, cheaters, and external assclown fuckery matters.

Just. Stop! (going outside)
Start. (going inside)


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Father's Day kicked some serious ass. The dads and kids had a blast. Well I did at least.

But after every good day there seems to be the bad. WW actually bought me a very thoughtful gift. I wasn't expecting it and she went above and beyond considering our situation. I had posted in JFO about how I'm conflicted. Not new I'm sure. I've been reading a lot and even checked out the waywards forum. I've heard all sorts of reasons and what not. Some of the waywards actually seem legit. I promised WW I wouldn't read anything she posted and I haven't. But I'm having the hardest time getting past what seems to be a common theme. They all regret what they did, but how do they get to that point. I'm not nor have I ever been abusive. I never ignored her, I made a conscious effort to spend quality time with her. I never went a day without telling her she was beautiful and I loved her. So how did she make me out to be this horrible person. If that is indeed what she did to justify her affair. I just can't comprehend that. How do you get past that?


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 335 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can spray all you want, but until the wife quits leaving food out for them, well...

^^^^ golden Outside4me

when I look at the 4 OM that stbxFWW had, there was nothing "special" about any of them other than opportunity

Ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT70,
If that is indeed what she did to justify her affair. I just can't comprehend that.

In my case, she had FOO issues (ACoA) and personality fault that affected her perceptions of me and other aspects of her life. During much our M I was pretty happy with my life and myself despite not getting much love or support from my W. stbxFWW took my happiness as proof that she was a good W. OTOH, stbxFWW was rarely happy, struggled with shame and insecurity. She saw this as proof that I was not a good H. From this starting point it built to resentment and then entiltlement. Once the flirting and sex started with an OM the biochemistry took over.

The first thing our MC did when we went after dday was to to turn to me and say "Atsenaotie, this was not about you". It took stbxFWW another 12 - 16 months of IC and MC to accept that.

How do you get past that?

Eventually I got to a position of that was then, this is now. When she was improving with her IC and work I could envision a new M that would be more intimate and better. Unfortunately, my W's hole was too deep and/or her too set in her habits to pull herself out completely. Still, I am past the A-crap, it no longer (very rarely?) bothers me anymore.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:06 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT - I think Ats pretty much nailed it. This really was not about you. Trying to find something that you could have done differently to prevent your wife from having an affair is an exercise in futility. There is no justification in it. Her choices are hers to own, and I'm sure whatever her true "why" is has nothing to do with you, or how you treated her as a husband. You sound pretty kickass to me! One thing that it comes down to regarding the A, is that it doesn't matter who your wife was married to - if she was married to someone else, she likely would have cheated on them, too.

Really glad to hear you had a good Father's Day. Well deserved!!


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