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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454real:

...do you really believe that she ever really *got it* or was she able to *mask* herself?

Yes

When she is calm and rational she understands the dynamics of her personality and perceptions. She has worked with this in IC and has exercises to stop and sift through alternatives for why she feels how she does. But, at times of stress, and the wedding has been stressful, she reverts to old behaviors. I believe that this is common for people with poor coping mechanisms. They can learn and practice new behaviors, but the old ingrained behaviors are always there under the surface.

Much of the time she simply supresses feeling towards/about me, so that is masking. If she did not feel attractive to me she interpreted that as my not acting or behaving attractively towards her. If she did feel attracted she is afraid to share or express the feeling for fear I might "get ideas" and want to have sex.

I could, and have, accepted her projecting and blaming me in the moment of stress. I get that is how she processes by default. What so disappoints me is that days later after the event, or in casual text conversations, she is telling the story based on those projected feelings. She has not used the techniques that she knows about and can do.

Were you projecting actions/behaviors onto her that just weren't there because you wanted R so badly?

No, at least not the last year or so. We had been planning to D about 2 years ago because I was not happy with the lack of intimacy in the M, then she lost her job and there was no way to afford D and child in school without bankruptcy over the house payment. A few months after that, things got better and while there were aspects of the relationship I did not like, I tolerated them as I liked having the family intact and I liked FWW. My M was not what I wanted, but I thought that she was doing her best and had my back now (since after dday). My feeling now is that she has been tolerating me as a necessary evil in her life. That she has been portraying herself to others as the long suffering wife married to an asshole, but who tolerates it out of duty.

Objectively, there is no M. She bad mouths and complains about me to her family and friends and sees this as normal behavior. We do little to no activities together, maybe watch a movie or show on television. Certainly no activities she organizes. We have no common goals for the future. We have sex < 1x a month, and not at all for the last 3 months, not even any touching beyond a passing hug. She does not tell me if she is upset with me. She feels inferior around me. She NEVER tells me if she is upset or angry with me unless and after I initiate a conflict with her. Then she uses some past issue as her defense for my current issue.

I am very happy with most of my life, and I did not need an ideal M to make my life good, but I will not be Md to a person who talks so poorly of me to her family and friends.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude... Ats... I'm sorry, man.

That is no way to live. She sounds like she is being very cold at heart, and does not have your best interests in mind, to say the least. After all she has put you through, and after all you have done to not only heal from this, but accept her, I don't know why she doesn't honor you and cherish you in the way that she should. The only possible explanation I can think up (and this is just me trying to think up explanations) with is that she is still feeling rotten about what she has done, still has not repaired "who she is", and is resentful of you. Maybe the only way up for her is to push people down. That's sad.

Anyway... you've been a strong voice here, and I have read your threads in ICR on the LTA stuff. You've worked damn hard. You do what you need to do now. If that's D, go for it. If you need to sit on it for a few days, that's cool, too.

We're here for you.

Sending strength.


Posts: 6755 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ATS. I can understand where you are coming from. That behavior is hard enough with the added benefit of infidelity.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, with Losfer on this one. That's no way to live. 5 years? Long enough.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ats. Sounds to me like your WW doesn't get it, even after all this time. When my wife was in her wayward mindset, she used me being an asshole as an excuse to justify her being something much worse.

I thought marriage was supposed to be a safe institution where someone has your back and is devoted to you through thick and thin, even when you're not being all that warm and fuzzy. I know my wife has received that benefit from me throughout our marriage. I guess for some marital love is conditional, and has to be earned on a daily basis. People who have that mindset are doomed to perpetual disappointment.

Sending strength.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atsenaotie, sending strength. I'm at a matching tipping point for similar reasons. It sounds like your WW has the same fundamental issue my WW has. She can't see her own thought distortions/dysfunction and believes her point of view it 100% correct. If I disagree with her POV I'm wrong, being confrontational and an ass. Does you WW also have shame issues?

JJ, I love the card deck analogy.

If you haven't already done so I will recommend reading the "5 Minutes in a BS's Head" post in General (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=533382).


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 134 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie,

Your posts helped me so much when I joined 3+ years ago. I wish there was something I could say to help you.

I'm sorry your W hasn't advanced farther and has apparently decided this is far enough for her.

Since you want more, I'm glad you're going after it. You certainly deserve an intimate M (and I mean more than sex).

Still, I don't even want to imagine the pain of giving your M everything you've got and it not working out.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
Sorry man.

I get not letting her talk bad about you to other people. It's about mutual respect, without that there isn't much of a relationship. Huge red flag there, I can see why you starting worrying again. I used to let my WW bad mouth me with her sister, took it as she was blowing off steam. Actually she was looking for outside validation to villanize me. The more she bitched the more those lies about me gained traction. Bad road for your wife to go down.

Disappointing to learn that she only views your M as a necessary evil. Also shows a lack of respect. Disappointing she hasn't fully utilized the opportunity you gave her to become a better wife and person.

Hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 531 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear about the latest, ats. Mine also does well until there is extra stress, then reverts back to poor coping.

I know the most disappointing thing I've ever read was fWW's text to her friend "I hate my husband"-been 7 yrs ago I still think of it.

((((ats


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5391 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie,
Your posts helped me so much when I joined 3+ years ago. I wish there was something I could say to help you.

^^^This. I wish you the best ATS.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats, sorry to hear about her pulling that. Sucks that she feels she has to talk shit about the man who gave her another chance when so many would've kicked her to the curb after dday. Strength to you brother.


I know the most disappointing thing I've ever read was fWW's text to her friend "I hate my husband"-been 7 yrs ago I still think of it.

I know what you mean 64. I still think about one of WW's emails to Thing 1 where she said, "I've decided WTH isn't so bad after all." Gee, such overwhelming love and affection.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony


Posts: 257 | Registered: Dec 2012
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ats. But if that's the way you go then go with your head held high.

I

thought marriage was supposed to be a safe institution where someone has your back and is devoted to you through thick and thin, even when you're not being all that warm and fuzzy.

That's what I thought too. Not anymore.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy weekend, gents. No matter where you are, what your situation is, or how you are feeling, try to take some time for yourself this weekend. Crack open a beer, drop a line in the water, hit the trail, shank a ball off of the tee, whatever works.

Take care, and Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's out there! Best job a feller could have.

Peace, strength, and cheers!


Posts: 6755 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old Chub Nitro. Sounds like an awesome nickname for a certain part of the male anatomy.

Happy Fathers Day to all you fathers out there.

Cheers fellas....

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 6:52 PM, June 13th (Friday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 531 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats- sending you strength to press forward into your best self.

I went looking for that quote of yours (couldn't find it) that said:
'I was happy in the M, and to my wife, that meant she was doing a good job.
She was unhappy, and she took it as I wasn't doing a good job.' (paraphrased)

It seems to be a pattern, I dunno, some people just don't seem to 'live inside themselves', I'm thinking certain people don't want to, or maybe they can't, because there's pain in there (from FOO/whatever) that they've been dancing to avoid for awhile.

It seems like they do the bargaining-cha cha - seeking to always just manage the outcome,
of what their failure to deal with inside produce.
They're pretty darn near always crappy outcomes because of that too.

I wonder if there's a mathematical formula for it (42?) that states that the visible, outside drama we witness is exactly proportional to their desperate need to avoid the inner-drama...

Fine-lookin beers there gents!


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losferpants posts a pic of Old Chub? That is hilarious...we'll catch you mate

Hope everyone has an awesome weekend. We deserve it. Really.

A lovely evening in Virginia before the storm...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if we'll get the pic when Koda kicks his ass for teasing him with so much beer all the time...

Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need a pic of Oreo and a beer mate!


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's Little Losferpants to you, Uncle Tred.

JJ - Koda seems to be indifferent to the beer. He loves vegetables, sprouts especially. He's my sensitive new age malamute. He's a big fella, though, and he tolerates me. I would not want to be on his bad side. If he ever wants a half pint or two, I will give it to him

My dog before him? He had distinguishing tastes in beer. He liked Paulaner Salvator and Guinness. I shit you not. Open any other beer, and he could have given two shits less. Open a Salvator or a Guinness, and he would come running. It was a bit freaky.


Posts: 6755 | Registered: Dec 2010
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh look. A palm......bush?


Sorry. Couldn't resist.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
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