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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the famous phrase "It is a SIGN from GOD."
My wife said she wanted a sign from God if we should get back together or not.

1. God Hates Divorce
2. Her parents (Father is a Pastor) said that is dumb in this context.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is going to be cool

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 9:57 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH- I have not been to Sunday school in a long time, but isn't it a sin to twist Gods words to suit your needs ?

In the using him name in vain portions ?

It also says thou shall not commit adultery.
Hypocrisy is also a sin. I could go on, but I know I am preaching to the choir (metaphorically, that is.)

Part of me feeling better is that my faith lets me believe that my W one day will have to stand and be judged for her deeds. Me too. It also helps my to know that I cannot "absolve" it. Not my place or job.

Knowing that has helped me at times. Genuine apologies help too.

Not trying to bash your W, but she seems to have serious communication issues. Could she write some stuff down versus having to explain it to you in person ?

My wife is much better at writing this to me in notes, letters, emails than she is talking about them in person.

Writing forces the writer to formulate a though and think before they write. Maybe something she could do to communicate with you better.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2537 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jj, just figured out what you meant by OBX. No, actually the vacation will be in the St. Augustine Bch., FL area. I hope you can make it to NC this summer.

And Tred, I can shank my tee shots with the best of them. We're going to play a tight course near Jax, so I expect to spend some time communing with nature by looking for golf balls in the woods.

I've been practicing teeing off with the 3-wood in an effort to keep a few more in play.

Saw an earlier post about you and Sand teaming up for a 57. That's awesome. Were you two golfers in HS or college?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, we just had a great day. It was Scotch Pinehurst format, so shooting mid 60's net is reachable. We overachieved - we didn't place this year. Shot a 72 - but had a great time. We played a couple of courses down near Jax last year - it was a blast. Our course is in the foothills of the Blue Ridge so lots of woods, hills, etc. I'll be down in that area sometime this summer - my Sis is in Jax and I need to help her get some stuff done. I'll definitely be bringing my clubs!


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3728 | Registered: Dec 2011
Twotimesucker
♂ New Member
Member # 43013
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Geez,

So WW still works (for now) with POS OM. One of the other guys in her dept is moving on to greener pastures, and the boss is having a little dinner for him and all of their dept at a local restaurant/pub. I know him and he's a decent guy. She says she really wants to go. I said if POS is there, absolutely not! Unless you take me (I'm 60lbs heavier and 6" taller than POS OM and not overweight so I'm not in the least worried). She said no spouses allowed because the company is picking up the tab, and others have already asked.

Then she says...get this "why don't we compromise, and I'll go for a quick drink and leave". Whaaaaat??? I think she's compromised herself enough! I felt like saying she should've compromised with him and said "we can be friends but you can't stick your dick in me".

Needless to say I handed her our copy of the mini book " how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and told her to read it again...she did...on the spot! She felt pretty stupid about it after.

Compromise...fuck!


Me BS-45
Her WW-36
D-Day3/31/14
Working towards R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said if POS is there, absolutely not!

Don't think anyone would argue with that TTS.

Unless you take me

Yeah, but why do that to yourself? I can't imagine being in the same room with OM, even 16 months out. It would probably turn into a Jerry Springer episode inside of 60 seconds. You don't need that kind of stress bro.

She says she really wants to go.

And you really wanted a faithful wife...we don't always get what we want.

I can't believe she's actually considering this.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compromise...fuck!

I think you've put that very well. Very well indeed.

And you really wanted a faithful wife...we don't always get what we want.

Y'know, I'm actually starting to think about my whole situation a hell of a lot less than I used to. On the occasions when I do actually think about it, I sort of find myself relieved at times that she bailed a few weeks after it all came to light instead of holding on and putting us through months or even years of what might have been false R. Now, don't get me wrong - there are days when I'm (insert emotion negative of choice here) about the whole thing, but I've also started to feel as though (1) I may actually have had a very luck escape in the grand scheme of things and (2) she's the one who came off worst.

Her A may have been an Exit A, but it blew up on her and had physical and emotional consequences far beyond anything she intended. She ended up pregnant with OM/POS's baby. He told her 'to get rid of it' (classy guy) when he found out. She ended up miscarrying. I'm also pretty sure that OM/POS (who's also her boss) will wait a decent amount of time before booting her ass out of the company. He certainly can't afford to have any evidence of his workplace fuckup hanging around any longer than necessary.

So - she's lost her husband, her baby and will quite possibly also lose her job. Not exactly the outcome she envisaged from her Exit A, methinks.

Probably explains the 'maybe we can sort this out after D' call I had a little while ago.

I guess thinking like this means I'm detaching and moving on?

[This message edited by Forged1 at 4:13 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess thinking like this means I'm detaching and moving on?
Sounds like it to me, brudder. Come on in, the water's fine. I'm doin' the same thing.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Menz,
Planned on not being on SI during my vacation. Sitting here in Maui stewing over wife and her selfishness. We are in paradise with my parents. Not perfect, would rather be here alone. However, we are here with my parents. My dad bought this timeshare with his hard work. Gave it to us, no cost 10 years ago. He wanted to bring mom back one last time for 60th wedding anniversary. All my wife can do is bitch about them. How they are in way, making it not about her. I see all the bullshit. So I called her on it and went 180 in vacation. Fuck her, it's not about her. Mom, dad and I went for drinks tonight. I'm going to enjoy time with them, maybe she will pull her head out if her ass and join. Mean time Mai tai's for this guy. Hope all is well and I don't decide to divorce her and stay here.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 3:18 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1855 | Registered: Nov 2010
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I ended up recounting my sad tale twice this week. I'm no longer embarrassed, as I've finally realized TY's infidelity was not in any way my fault. I'm no longer embarrassed for her either, if that makes any sense. I'm not going out of my way to publicly shame her, but I ain't covering for her any more when my people ask. It is what it is.

Still living under the same roof until the bankruptcy is finalized. Told her many months back I would stick around till then, but would need some serious work on her part during the interim to consider staying married. She still avoids addressing the A and working on herself or repairing the marriage... carpet sweeping and pretending everything is fine is her M.O. and she's sticking to it despite knowing it doesn't work. I sleep in a different room and no longer initiate sex, which I think would cause her to realize I'm detaching, but maybe her pretender fogs that. Or she knows what time it is but just can't stand to face it. Or maybe just doesn't give a shit. Whatever's going on in that conflict avoidant rapture rootin' head doesn't matter to me anymore. Hell, I ain't even angry/disappointed/sad. The mental and emotional detachment is almost complete.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTS -
"I felt like saying she should've compromised with him and said "we can be friends but you can't stick your dick in me".

i almost choked to death on the coffee i was drinking when i read that. i know exactly what you mean! perhaps you should have said it...


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LHAP? - 60 years? That is amazing. Happy Anniversary to your folks! Sometimes the stress of any type of travel makes my wife temporarily lose her sanity. Hopefully it is just something like that going on with your wife, as frustrating as that can be. Overall, you two seem to have been doing pretty well, and I hope that trend continues. In the mean time, enjoy the scenery, that time with your folks, and the Mai Tais. Can't go wrong there!

Regarding yous guys going through detachment, sometimes I think that's a healthy thing to do regardless of whether you are reconciling, separating, or divorcing. In my case, I just had way too much emotionally invested in my wife. A big part of my healing was putting most of those eggs back into my basket. Less for her to carry, and I don't have to run around worrying about her tossing my emotional eggs onto the sidewalk either purposely, or through negligence. Seems to be helping our relationship, but on the other hand, if things don't work out, I'll still be able to walk away mostly intact.

Is it Friday yet? It's gotta be Friday in like New Zealand or something. That has to count for something.

Cheers.


Posts: 6106 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, I checked with my New Zealand source. It's only Thursday a.m. Sorry man.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn. Well, it is "Friday Eve" over there at least. That's gotta count for something, right?

Grasping at straws here.


Posts: 6106 | Registered: Dec 2010
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, lhap?, I'm sorry the vacation is less pleasant than it could be.

If it were me with my mom, my W would be complaining about MY selfishness....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Twotimesucker
♂ New Member
Member # 43013
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about your coffee William, I hope your ok lol. Yeah, maybe I should've said that.

LHAP...I'm sorry to hear that your W is choosing now to be like that. What a way to piss on the wonderful gift your parents have given you. Rest assured, you are doing the right thing. 60 years??? In my books, your parents deserve a medal!

Enjoy the mai tai's brother, and know that you are not alone.


Me BS-45
Her WW-36
D-Day3/31/14
Working towards R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TTS- You handled it the best you could. She still works with OM ? Hopefully that is changing soon.

Was letting her see the OM at all not compromise enough ? Sorry, but unless 100% NC is there and validated by you R isn't going to go very far.

It is one of the first compensation items a WS must do in that process. NC mental and otherwise with OP forever.

Forged1- Detaching and moving on is going to be the best for you in the long run. Her "after the D" comments are meant to keep you on line as a backup plan. If she really wanted your M she could try and talk you out of the D. She told you it was an exit A ? Hey, when people show you who they are, believe them.

Tred and Sal- Doing some "greens" work myself. Got a 300 yrd drive(Full disclosure, there was "some" wind.) at the range. Can't replicate on the links though.

LHAP? Have fun celebrating that accomplishment with your parents.

Hey I had a similar moment a week ago. It happens. Sometimes it is A related or specific. Sometimes it is just good old fashioned being M. (A grey line I know). Keeping them organized in different places helps sometimes. Further separate her individual issues from ones you share jointly. (e.g.-Her selfishness is her problem.)

You think mai tai's are good ? Try a "zombie." Late at night, after you've eaten and are closer to the place you are going to sleep at


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2537 | Registered: May 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn. Well, it is "Friday Eve" over there at least. That's gotta count for something, right?

Damn right it counts. And our sitch here in the states isn't so grim. Why can't Wednesday be "Friday Eve Eve", or the "Eve of Friday Eve"?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred and Sal- Doing some "greens" work myself. Got a 300 yrd drive(Full disclosure, there was "some" wind.) at the range. Can't replicate on the links though.

That's awesome numb. I use to be able to do that fairly regularly but can't generate that kind of clubhead speed anymore. My longest drives were in the teen years with persimmon drivers. Never been able to hit the oversized metal drivers as far as the old clubs.

Anyone younger than me probably has no clue what I'm talking about. But woods used to be made of wood. The sweet spot may have been smaller, but you could really smoke them out there if you caught the ball cleanly. I bet Tred remembers.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1309 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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