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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WearingTheHorns
Not a Vet, but I am still on the battlefield.

She gave me all kinds of "nothing will happen" promises and reassurances that I had nothing to worry about.

1. If you are really ok with her going, then you two need to sit down together and discuss boundaries/plans on what she is going to do on this trip and not do. That is the best reassurances she can give you.

2. If you are not ok with her going you need to speak up and make sure she doesn't go.

She also said she wasn't the same person that she was then, what she did to me she also did to God, etc

This is a misconception. She's right, she did it to God and to you and she should of said sorry and understand what this trip makes you feel.

However, a few days later she brings me a Home Depot gift card and says, "I brought you a prize. Can I go on a cruise?"

This is a ploy, a Trojan horse if you will. She is now trying to buy herself into getting a trip from you.

As for the way you handled yourself at the party. Great job. Way to be a real man!


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Menz,

Been awhile since I posted on this thread.

Found out WW has been texting another man about 300 times per day (no wonder I got do all of the raising off DD). She disappeared for a week-end, so I told her to get the hell out. No broken up, just more relieved.

So now we are working through the separation agreement. She is cooperative right now, but wants custody of dd14. I'll fight that for reasons to long to go with here. Been a single parent for a couple of years now, another 4 doesn't bother me a bit.

She has little contact with me as we work opposite shifts, but then she calls me to tell me she got called into work early ("Just wanted to let you know where I was") How about when you deserted your kids for a week-end fu*^-fest, didn't seem so concerned then.

BTW, we still share a home and most nights, a bed. Would love her out before July.

Meeting with her Wednesday night for separation agreement. Wish me luck!


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 221 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cvs2kkids,
Those who are entrapped by their evil ways do things that don't make sense. They are always in contradictions of themselves and their morals. They can't tell which ways is up and which way is down.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck, cvs!


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10100 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take it there's still no update from saveus, then?

TBH, I don't have a good feeling about how the latest development is going to turn out for him, but I really hope I'm wrong.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck cvs!

WTH, I've already shared my opinion that your WW going on the cruise without you is unacceptable, and won't rehash that. Since it's going to happen, I think you should take LostSamurai's advice and have that sit-down. She needs to find a way to make you as comfortable as possible while she's gone, even if it's nothing more than an hourly phone call or text update.

This whole cruise thing still smacks of her not getting it, but you are in the best position to judge that. Good luck.

Personal update:

In about 3 weeks the family and I are heading east for a beach vacation. It's something we do about every other year, and besides the sun and fun it's a family reunion (on my side). As it turns out, we're almost exactly recreating the trip from 2 years ago, when my wife's affair was in its heyday. Right down to the time of day we're leaving and the same hotels on the trip over there and back. It'll be hard not to remember what she was doing 2 years ago, and would be doing for an additional 7 months before finally getting caught. It'll be hard to forget the excessive texting she was doing on Day 1 of the drive, which bothered the hell out of me back then before I knew who she was texting (she lied about that at the time, of course).

At least we changed the condo we're renting this year, although we'll still be in the same complex.

My brother is already lining up tee times for the same golf course, and I imagine everyone will want to eat at the same seafood restaurant as last time.

So the possibility of a vacation full of triggers is certainly there.

But a big part of me looks at it like this - screw the fPOSOM, screw her A, screw who she was 2 years ago. This is my life, our life, our family, our marriage, our vacation. This is what we do, and R means we're going to live life and keep on doing what we do as a family.

I guess we'll see what happens, but right now there's a lot more cautious optimism than anxiety.

Just wanted to get that out there. Any thoughts, comments, and suggestions are appreciated.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:45 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. If you are really ok with her going, then you two need to sit down together and discuss boundaries/plans on what she is going to do on this trip and not do. That is the best reassurances she can give you.

At this point it's really a moot point if I wasn't ok with her going. If I was 100% against it, I'd simply have her served when she got back. I will talk to her about boundaries although that's kind of a moot point now as well. Late last week she had a large boil on her leg burst. I've been cleaning and dressing it for her. She just found out it wasn't caused by MRSA at least, but it had become infected by the time it burst so there's been lots of washing the wound and hand washing involved with it. In addition to that, now she's developed a yeast infection from the antibiotics. So, right now she's not really in any condition to do wrong if she wanted to.

Just want to throw some more luck your way cvs!

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 3:49 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal-

Sounds like fun. You will have a blast. Don't over think it, if that makes sense. She is different now. You are going on vacation with who she is now, not who she was.Talk to her about it before hand. Make sure that you have a plan in place for triggers, reassurances, etc.I made the mistake of not doing that and my family still asks what was wrong with me (They don't know).

CVS- Fight for the kids, they are worth it. Moving on just means there is one less kid to take care of.

WTH- Ask how she is different "this time." She can use a higher power to shield herself all she wants, but that higher power also sees straight through her crap too.

Conflict avoidant does not do her justice. A home depot card ? Really ? Wow.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, I agree that the cruise is part of her not getting it. One of the things I want to make clear to her before she leaves is WHY going on a cruise like this is a problem. Her attitude before, during, and after this cruise is going to determine a lot of what happens after it.

In regards to your vacation, listen to the part of you that says F everything related to her A that's trying to ruin it for you. Use all those times and locations as an opportunity to take them back and reclaim them for your life and M as they are now and what your life and M will be in the future.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RE: the HD gift card. She wasn't really expecting it to be a bribe. She knows I'm at least not that stupid. I think it was more of a joke because she knows I love doing DIY projects, and the best time for me to do them is when she's not home. That way I can do them the RIGHT way. For me the point of it was more that the way she phrased it made it sound like nothing concrete had actually been done about the cruise at the time she gave it to me, when she tried to make it sound like it was a done deal by that time when we were talking about it the other day.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, reframe, repossess. WTH is right. However, I think you might want to throw a steak joint into the equation.

WTH, is she this emotionally stunted in all aspects of your relationship?

Conflict avoidant does not do her justice. A home depot card ? Really ? Wow.

Cvs, fight. It's not easy, nor cheap but very worth it.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late last week she had a large boil on her leg burst. I've been cleaning and dressing it for her. She just found out it wasn't caused by MRSA at least, but it had become infected by the time it burst so there's been lots of washing the wound and hand washing involved with it. In addition to that, now she's developed a yeast infection from the antibiotics. So, right now she's not really in any condition to do wrong if she wanted to.

I'll vouch for that. My wife had the same thing the week before DDay - ended up in the hospital while I was working in Hawaii. I almost got on a plane and left immediately. Turns out it was MRSA. She had it on her thigh and ass. Guess who else caught it? Yep. It sucked. Almost lost my right testicle (true story). Parting gift from her AP. He had just come back from the middle east. But one thing for sure, she wasn't fucking him with a big boil on her ass. She wouldn't of dreamed of letting herself be seen by her fantasy like that. The POS husband? I was the one changing the dressing on her ass. And my nut. And thigh. Six months of antibacterial soap and some heavy antibiotics later and it hasn't come back. Yay.

Sal - I get it. You'll be fine brother. Shanking a ball off the tee has an amazing way of pushing the affair out of your mind. Or sinking a 25 foot putt for birdie (uphill with about 2 feet of break ish). I think you have the tools to deal with the inevitable triggers. I've BTDT. Gets easier to deal with (if you want to) as you get further out. Still sucks and probably always will, but that's life.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3937 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, east? Oh yay - I'll be going out to North Carolina in mid-July (maybe/probably - not finalized yet), as my brother's flying in from ganistan.
Don't tell me, OBX?

54, see where the beach bum's from? Yeah we got plenty o steak...haha!...me, I'd be cruising the fresh seafood buffets - I MISS the goldang beach!
I'm an east coast kid. Used to hand-line the #1 jimmy's outta the Wye River.

Love your tude Sal. Reminds me of the spirit I learned from Uncle Tred at tourney time. We had THE killer bracket of all time srsly, and he was like; "So what? Bring it on! I WANT to beat the best."
So you know what? I hear an "everyone's probably going" tone out of your post. Where you're not in charge. I bet you know where I'm going with this!
Pick the time ahead of time - hell, maybe even a time or two, or even three! - to say: "We're going here, let's go." AND START WALKING.
Dude, you're gonna get banged and banged hard that night.
You fucker. I'm jealous.

cvs - sending mojo brother! Be strong. Get back to us with the update.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Twotimesucker
♂ New Member
Member # 43013
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,
I love your attitude brother! take it back!
Enjoy the hell outta your vacation.

[This message edited by Twotimesucker at 8:04 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Me BS-45
Her WW-36
D-Day3/31/14
Working towards R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal - Sounds like a good opportunity to do some "reclamation". I'm all for that. Hope it goes well, and that everyone has a great time!

Good luck, cvs!

Ouch, Tred...


Posts: 7103 | Registered: Dec 2010
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WW and her friend are leaving tomorrow now instead of Wed. I'm good with that though. My brother gave me tickets and a parking pass to tomorrow night's baseball game and my son's going to drive up after work to go with me. WW and I had our talk. I made it clear to her I consider this a huge leap of faith on my part. She actually set most of the boundaries herself before I even started on them, and they were almost everything I was going to give her. I laid out the rest of them and she swore six ways from Sunday she knew she wouldn't even allow herself to get into the wrong kinds of situations. She knows what's at stake if she doesn't. She said she'll tell me everything that happens when she gets back and there won't be anything she has to hide. I also told her she has to text me at least once a day while she's gone and she readily agreed to do it. It's not a perfect solution by any means but it's the best I'm probably going to get short of being there myself. We'll have to see how it goes and whether or not it's enough for me. One thing I have decided and not told her though,is this is the last time she's going to pull this shit. I know, I shouldn't have let it slide this time, but love still makes me stupid sometimes.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,
That's a good start. I hope all turns out for you.

I talk to myself a lot, and it drives WW crazy but normally I do it to work out problems and thoughts.

Well I started yesterday and thought of something that was very peculiar. My WW said she never like the way my parents treated me and yet I give them all this loyalty that they don't deserve. She thinks I should disconnect from them and have nothing to do with them at all.

She may be right about that...but lets stop and think about this really hard. You had 2 affairs in a 3 year period. I wanted to reconcile with you. The way she treated me compare to my parents is 10x worst. Yea I was abused and put down here and there but this has to be the worst thing you can do to somebody. This is abuse like there is no other. A scar on the body would of been preferred over a scar on the heart.

Can you guys think of any crazy thing that your WW said.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you guys think of any crazy thing that your WW said.

The thing my WW said that I'm still flabbergasted by is in regards to a infidelity support group we went to after dday. We went and both agreed it was a good thing although I could tell she wasn't fully in favor of going back. She wasn't being overt about it but I could tell she didn't want to go back. The next month around the time the group was going to meet again the Dr. that leads the group texted saying she had to cancel because her mother had gone into the hospital. WW said, "Maybe this is God's way of telling us we shouldn't go." I thought, yes, simply to save you from having to face up to what you did in front of a bunch of other people, God put that woman in the hospital. He did that just for you. I wanted so badly to throw in her face what about all the signs from God you were being beaten over the head with that said "Don't let those men who aren't your H stick their dicks inside you"?


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You Menz is awesome.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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