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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the realty is much less noble. I love her more than she loves me.

Bob, I raised this issue once in MC. The counselor replied "I don't get that sense at all." My eyebrow damned near flew off my forehead.

She said "you're confusing love with character and integrity."


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1336 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, I raised this issue once in MC. The counselor replied "I don't get that sense at all." My eyebrow damned near flew off my forehead.

She said "you're confusing love with character and integrity."

So how does this counselor define love?

A love that allows my WW to screw some other guy. lie to me. treat me like shit. introduce OM to our kids. and pay for all this with money I earned.

Thats really not what I would call love. And if that IS love. Im not interested in having any one love me in that way.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3381 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya Razor. Not my idea of love either.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:47 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1336 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred and friends,

My WW erased all the emails from the secret account, but I got two names by reversing cell phone records. Took me ten hours to sort out which numbers were the nail salon, the vet, etc.

Found an underwear pix with the head cut off on her computer, of her, it was the bait. Looked hotter than I'd ever seen her, still have the pix, would post it except I worry if she finds this site on computer some day she would be upset. At that point she was running marathons had a six pack and a set of D boobs. The men were much younger, taller, better looking, and one was a known state level politician.

God I wanted to out that bastard , married and lurking on AM but couldn't because it might go national and embarrass me and the kids ultimately. Did a hang up call, he reversed number and it scared the shit out of him according to WW.

I'll never know all of the details, like you. It's just easier for a pretty women to have random sex than men. That's why the ratio is stacked against you on Ashley madison. A 5 would get hundreds of hits. It's just insane.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 3:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LifeIsAJrny
♂ New Member
Member # 40849
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Gents.... I posted a few threads back and have been lurking ever since. You guys are awesome. I need to start posting more.

I do have a question thought...Why can't I private message? I wanted to PM Numb&Dumb since we have very similar stories but I can't get it to work. I went to the profile for N&D, clicked on "send private message" and it just takes me back to the main forum page.

Any ideas?


Me: 37
WW: 38
DS6 and DS8

ONS on out of country business trip with POSCOW and 1 week EA, texting, chatting.

Married: 11 years
D-Day: 9/7/13


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: LifeIsAJrny
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to have at least 50 posts to PM.

That's my understanding of how it works - open to correction.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.


Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life,

You need 51 posts for the PM feature to work. (Correct me if I'm wrong Badass or Losfer).

Welcome to the Menz thread! Newbies get the next round. I don't make the rules around here


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Dec 2011
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And there's the correction. Good man, Tred.

I'll aim for 51.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.


Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
LifeIsAJrny
♂ New Member
Member # 40849
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I better start posting more then

BTW, I seem to remember something awhile back about a SI get together in Chicago?


Me: 37
WW: 38
DS6 and DS8

ONS on out of country business trip with POSCOW and 1 week EA, texting, chatting.

Married: 11 years
D-Day: 9/7/13


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: LifeIsAJrny
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's either 50 or 51 posts to be able to PM. I know it is at least 50. Most importantly is that you don't run up your post count with one word or meaningless posts, or you could risk having your account revoked. Just post as usual, and you'll get there before you know it.

Life - Here's the link to the Chicago G2G in the Fun and Games section:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=525089

Welcome to SI and the menz thread, by the way. Cheers!

ETA: Or, "welcome again" since you posted a few threads back.

ETA2: I checked with the powers that be. The minimum post count requirement for the PM feature is 51 posts. The PM feature does not require any type of account upgrade like the Investigative Tips forum requires.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 5:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


"I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot. I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not."

Posts: 6294 | Registered: Dec 2010
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life: This thread is a really easy way to reach the post quota. Tons of thought provoking questions/support opportunities/funny that reside here.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
LifeIsAJrny
♂ New Member
Member # 40849
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what WAL (and Sal's qualifier) stated: one of the hardest parts of reconciling in marriage is the reconciling you have to do with yourself and acknowledging that despite your wife's shitty treatment of you (once, or twice, or for how-many-years or who-knows-because-TT) you have chosen to stay with someone who stabbed you in the back.

This resonates a LOT. My therapist, who my wife is also seeing and we see together once in a while, told me point blank most people (referring to me) would have divorced long before the affair happened. So WTF? Why am I still here... The last couple of pages really have me questioning my own integrity with staying.

It kind of makes your brain explode, because you recognize that infidelity is intolerable treatment of another that deserves negative consequences, and yet....here we are. I mean, sure, there are some consequences in the abstract sense, because this whole moral dynamic flips around on the WW if they are remorseful and have a conscience and are generally unentitled...because they get to spend the rest of their life knowing on some basic level that they are probably not 'good enough' for the person they're married to.

Suprised my brain hasn't exploded. So where does that leave us? My wife already has told me she can't believe I love her so much... Not even her own mom loved her as much. This was before the affair mind you. What a f`n conundrum to be in.


Me: 37
WW: 38
DS6 and DS8

ONS on out of country business trip with POSCOW and 1 week EA, texting, chatting.

Married: 11 years
D-Day: 9/7/13


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: LifeIsAJrny
LifeIsAJrny
♂ New Member
Member # 40849
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb&Dumb....

Can you PM me? Your sitch (ONS) is similar to mine and I'd like to connect with someone who is in a similar boat... A ONS and a remorseful wife who appears to be working on herself... Yet I struggle with if I really even care anymore. Almost like I've used up all my capacity to work on the marriage prior to her cheating on me... And NOW I'm supposed to work at it? I'm about "worked" out.


Me: 37
WW: 38
DS6 and DS8

ONS on out of country business trip with POSCOW and 1 week EA, texting, chatting.

Married: 11 years
D-Day: 9/7/13


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: LifeIsAJrny
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to connect with someone who is in a similar boat

I understand what you mean - but there really is only one boat mate. That's the good ship "Wife Fucked Another Man". We are all passengers sailing through this shitty experience together. Pain is pain. Emasculation is emasculation. None of our stories are different other than the narrative that got us here. Give us a try - we might just understand your unique situation


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with Tred.

It's like having a heart attack. One guy smoked too much, another guy was obese, another had bad genes, but once the heart attack hits, chest pain, shortness of breath, sweating, it's all the same for us.

In this case, of course, the analogy is that all our hearts got broken.

I've said before that there is a spectrum of severity, in order, EA, PA ONS, PA LTA, multiple partner PA, and then of course wife filing D and heading off into sunset with half your money, child support, alimony and using it to support POS OM.

What I've seen in person though is that it all hurts so much, it just rings the bell no matter the severity, that we are truly all in the same boat.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred, o geez

Ima gonna be dreamin bout Shirley Temple tonight
& it's gonna be your fault!

Welcome aboard mate Jrny!


Posts: 6432 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but there really is only one boat mate. That's the good ship "Wife Fucked Another Man".

That's a terrible name for my boat. I don't have a boat yet but that is off the list.


NB thread for today's sunset. Don't hate. Or do.


Oh look,......ah y'all get it by now

[This message edited by sunsetslost at 10:30 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you mean - but there really is only one boat mate. That's the good ship "Wife Fucked Another Man". We are all passengers sailing through this shitty experience together.

Agree. And once you accept WFAM, the details really don't matter. Because truthfully, there is so much minimization and denial going on in the majority of cases there's really no way of knowing the whole story.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 10:27 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1336 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LifeIsAJrny
♂ New Member
Member # 40849
Sad  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the support. You guys are right... we are all in the same shitty boat none of us ever asked to get on.

For me there is a lot more to the story than just the ONS. We've struggled for years and years and I feel I've jumped through hoops and done backflips and put up with so much shit to make our marriage better for years. And this is the thanks I get? The ONS, and now in therapy I'm supposed to give her space around our sex life so "she can figure some stuff out." I feel like I am tne bad guy here. Apparently wanting to be intimate with my own wife 2-3 times a week is a problem for her. But she sure has always had time and energy for everyone else on the f'n planet!

I've learned to trust my instinct...it has almost never been wrong. And I am scared to trust it this time around because I think I know what I'll find when I trust it this time.

I am for the most part a SAHD. I have a MS degree but at the end of the day it made more sense for me to stay home because my wife is the high income earner. I do a lot of real estate and other business ventures on the side, which really helps at tax time. We had both agreed to all this a few years ago... plus my flexibility with the kids and school allows her to do whatever she needs to do for work...traveling, etc. Not to mention WHOEVER she wants to do for work. Definitely role reversal. So in a way, I am not so worried about me having to pay her.... it would be the other way around. I live in a no fault state, and I have been a SAHD for almost 3 years now.

If I'm being honest, I think there are 3 things that have kept me around this long and working this hard... my 2 boys, "security" of my life, and the simple fact I love her and want our relationship to be btter. But I am not happy, am just sick of the dance we do, and have not been happy for a long time. And then she goes and does this. In some ways she is finally coming around and starting to look at her FOO (which is textbook abandonment issues, etc.), but I just don't know if it is enough anymore? Or if I even care?

Even when everything in our lives had been spectacular... sex was and continues to be an issue. And based on her FOO, I wonder if I am her type... or if ANYONE in this forum is her type if you get my drift. I have a good friend who was married for 20 years with 3 daughters and always considered himself bi-sexual. Except he was just lying to himself. He is now divorced, and finally living his truth as a gay man. He has known me and my wife for a few years, and has pretty much insisted that I should think long and hard about her sexuality... that maybe her affair, in which she didn't even like the sex... was more of a cry for help, or to "see" for herself if she could get turned on by any man. Or that she didn't have the courage to end the marriage, and on some level wanted me too.

And not just sex, but any type of intimacy. I don't want to generalize.... but in my sitch I just can't see myself being with her (or any woman) who likes everything about the "relationship" the safety, the support, the illusion of a happy life... except has zero interest in being touched in any way shape or form by me. Screw all that BS about if the guy just did more dishes, or was more emotionally available, or took care of the kids more. Fuck, I do to all that AND more AND have increased our net worth by a lot using little of our own money in the last few years.... but it is still never enough!

Sorry gents, this was a long rant. Just had to get more of my sitch out there. At the end of the day, it's not so much about the ONS as it is how it feels more like the final nail in the coffin for me... I just haven't been able to own up to it yet.


Me: 37
WW: 38
DS6 and DS8

ONS on out of country business trip with POSCOW and 1 week EA, texting, chatting.

Married: 11 years
D-Day: 9/7/13


Posts: 13 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: LifeIsAJrny
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life - No worries about venting or ranting here. There are plenty of open ears here, and plenty of us that have done so ourselves. That's what this place is here for.

For me there is a lot more to the story than just the ONS. For me there is a lot more to the story than just the ONS. We've struggled for years and years and I feel I've jumped through hoops and done backflips and put up with so much shit to make our marriage better for years. And this is the thanks I get?

The thing is, you can't place any of the blame for your wife's actions on yourself. I've seen a lot of BS's come out to this site from both sides of the spectrum... those who blame themselves based upon how much they think they didn't do in their marriage, and those who worked their asses off like you, and wondered, "WTF happened??"

I think it is natural to feel some resentment and anger there based upon this. Don't stuff it down. You need to go through all of these feelings and work through them. The worse thing you can do is stuff it down, or rug sweep it, so I am glad you are out here talking.

I've learned to trust my instinct...it has almost never been wrong. And I am scared to trust it this time around because I think I know what I'll find when I trust it this time.

You'll hear it said many times out here to always trust your gut. Unfortunately that also applies to when you don't want to listen to what your gut has to say. Sometimes you have to put your mind and your heart as secondary and tertiary to what your gut is actually saying. At the very least, investigate, proceed with caution, and continue to be vigilant.

Anyway... I just wanted to address a couple of quick points there, and let you know that you have been heard. You sound like a really stand up guy, and a great family man. You deserve none of the shit that has come your way.

Others will be along.

Sending you strength.


"I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot. I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not."

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