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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been trying to figure out why it doesn't seem like I'm any more accepting of this circumstance now than I was on dday. Had an epiphany and once again I realized I was over thinking it, Occam's Razor is always best when dealing with this shit.
The epiphany....
I'm trying to accept that which I simply can not accept.
There's a lot of aspects about my marriage that goes into that, but in the end it all boils down to that.
This happened last weekend, had me in a foul mood. Then I haven't been able to check in here all week, start catching up today and a few guys are talking about acceptance of our lot. Helped me differentiate in my mind the difference between accepting the present and future (hopefully) state of my marriage. As opposed to accepting the new truth of what my wife really is. Kind of goes along with this from Razor...

During this time its been slowly dawning on me that SHE is MY second choice.

Before the A, I wouldn't have hesitated to call my W my dream girl. After all out of everyone I had ever known she was the one I picked to live my life out with. I didn't settle, I went out and got the one I wanted.
Now she's not my dream girl. Nor will she ever hold that status in my mind again.
Doesn't mean I don't love her, and doesn't mean going forward we can't have a fulfilling life together. But she's definitely not choice A anymore. Choice A doesn't suck other men off in parking lots while I'm home with our kids.
That's the part of all this I can not accept. She's not the women I thought I married. Reality is a bitch!

I don't want anyone to think that this shit ever ends - it doesn't.

There's the light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks a lot Tred!

tender lovemaking

Sal, in my book that's impressive shit right there. There hasn't been any lovemaking in my mind since dday. There's been some good hot sex. But too many unwanted mental triggers involved in the act for me to get to the point where I feel that bond with her. Hopefully at some point that will change. I sure enjoyed it more when there was that bond. There's my tmi for the day.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:06 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, in my book that's impressive shit right there. There hasn't been any lovemaking in my mind since dday. There's been some good hot sex.

Well, let's just say it's almost always good hot sex, it's just that sometimes the connection feels emotionally deeper than at other times. But there's always that unspoken disclaimer: she did this with another man during our marriage.

Whether you call it hot sex or lovemaking, it's never going to be all that it could have been had she remained exclusive to me throughout our marriage as she promised before God, me, her family and friends, and my family and friends. That ship has sailed.

It is what it is. Our wives are women who are quite capable of engaging in despicable, dishonest behavior. This is our pain and our reality. My only consolation is that despite my many faults, I've remained true to my vow to forsake all others. Small consolation, but I can only control my own actions. At least there isn't guilt piled on top of the other crap. Which is why I'd still rather be a BS than a WS any day of the week. The pain of a stained, scarred marriage is bad enough without having to face the fact that your the one who put it in that state. Not even a close call for me.

For me, it would still be painful if we divorced. The acts themselves condemned me to pain, not my reaction afterwards. Divorcing my wife, even if she gave me full custody of the kids and I never had to look at her again, would still leave a lot of pain because I love her and there would no longer be a loving mother in the home. She is remorseful, our kids' family is still intact, we still have fun together, she is a vital part of my law practice, so on balance all of that outweighs the fact that she was another man's blow-up doll for 10 months.

ETA:

She's not the women I thought I married. Reality is a bitch!

Maybe so. Or maybe she is no longer the woman you married. My wife was propositioned by OM back when they ran in the same circles, when they were both about 20 years old. She turned him down.

I don't think my 25-year old wife or 35-year old wife would have done this, but something changed when she turned 40. That wife cheated easily. People do change. Some simply can't handle the stresses of life or mid-life changes as well as others.

Not sure what my point is. Maybe it's that we shouldn't beat ourselves up for being bad pickers or being poor judges of character. None of us can see the future. It's them, not us.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 2:41 PM, May 30th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tender lovemaking
Sal, in my book that's impressive shit right there. There hasn't been any lovemaking in my mind since dday. There's been some good hot sex.
I'll second this. Maybe I need some more of these:

Happy Friday Gents!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 162 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People do change. Some simply can't handle the stresses of life

Think that is partially true in my case. But more that the stresses of life slowly rusted the facade of what she was pretending to be to everyone. She has lots of unresolved FOO issues (more than I was ever aware of), and at some point it was too much and the dam burst. In the past she held it all to herself, now that she recognizes the need to face these issues she talks about them a lot more. It's painfully obvious that what I mistook as "having her shit together unlike the rest of her crazy family" was really just pretending so she wouldn't exhibit the tendencies she learned from her worthless NPD mother.
Not to say that she doesn't have a lot of good admirable characteristics, but a lot of bad was also hidden from me for a long time. I fell for the con. I often tease myself internally with a "sure screwed up picking this one didn't ya buddy". But that itself doesn't really add to the the soul crushing depression I feel some days. That's more of the destruction of her image in my eyes. I don't cherish her like I should these days. Like I said having a hard time accepting the reality of who she is in my eyes now.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some have said their WWs affair started at 40. My WWs PA started some months before her 40 birthday.

Im seeing a pattern here. MLC maybe?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife's started when she was 24, and ended when she was 40.

Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30, ended at 34
Can't wait to see what happens when its MLC time.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MLC for my wife meant her getting her shit together. I'm actually pretty grateful for that.

I just hit 40 last year. I'm trying to figure out what I will do for my MLC. Maybe I'll buy a fishing license and actually get in some lake time this summer.


Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
sunsetslost
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Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

39. Reclaiming her youth. Holding on to her 30's. It will be a topic of conversation with the next one. Often. MLC no doubt. But I quit asking why a long time ago. I'm almost to the point that I don't care. A couple more Sapphires and I won't!

BTW: Safe and sound in FL. God I love it here. Spent some time on the beach today. And I will tomorrow. I'll rest on the sabbath. On the beach.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 759 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im seeing a pattern here. MLC maybe?

Oh yeah. I'm a firm believer in those because I've lived it from the spouse's standpoint. Saw the changes in my wife began to build not long after her 39th birthday, and only months after her 40th she begins an affair that ended after her 41st. D Day seemed to snap her out of it. But before then she took on the persona of a single party chick half her age - staying out late, partying, binge drinking, "dating". It was bizarre. As it turns out, that was the behavior modeled by both of her parents. The more I analyze it the more I'm convinced that she was always going to go off the deep end at some point. Hindsight's 20/20.

MLC doesn't excuse an affair or make it any better than an affair that starts earlier or later in life, but so many of them are grouped in the same age range there must be something to it. Our MC says it's tied to fear of aging/dying (life is passing them by), and unresolved childhood pain.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers, and happy weekend, gents!


Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
outside4me
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Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MLC definitely played a role with TY. Back when she was still interested in figuring out the why, she stated she was almost 50, didn't feel "pretty" anymore, and that maybe she initiated A so that she could feel attractive again. Guess my marrying her at 46 and daily affirmations of love didn't make her feel attractive enough. I took pains to make sure she knew I thought she was gorgeous, and always introduced her as "my beautiful bride", etc.

I don't really see her as gorgeous or pretty anymore. I see the lying selfish, which puts a putrid patina on the veneer.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MLC was not in my story (at least I don’t think it was). I’m guessing that the same issues are at work regardless. The underlying feelings of insecurity and needing the ego kibbles, be it from a low self esteem all along or the nagging mortality of a mid life crisis.

WAL – damn man if this was baseball you’d make bank. You hit it out of the park.

It's like a thorn in your hand that you can't pluck out. Most of the time you don't notice it, but every once in awhile, it snags on something or you rub your finger against it in a moment of idleness. It doesn't even hurt, but you pick at it for a bit between commercials while watching the Red Sox lose...then the action resumes and it's forgotten again until next week.
You have to be careful with it, that Thorn of Mostly Healed...or, at least I do, because it's a mothballed resentment factory. Flip of a switch and I could fire that fucker up and be churning out a million cubic feet of widgets a day in no time.

It’s like you live in my head but have way better words to explain it. This part of your statement was spot on for me.

I agree with WAL’s comments that sacrifice and work makes love grow deeper. I’ve always thought that love as a verb was “true love” and love the feeling was the easy part. It just seems like the day to day sacrifice and work both spouses do in a M would been enough for me. The added work of coming back from the brink of annihilation (for the M) just was not needed for me to live a happy loving M. I’m still working out getting comfortable with that “radical freedom of choice” thing after living through her shitty choices. Guess what helps is knowing I don’t have to live through them but choose to be here. And more importantly I can choose not to if her choices ever change.

Happy Friday all. Hope everyone finds some time to have some fun.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fme, but this is a great group of guys. Just saying without getting all emotional and shit.

Mine was 46. I think. That's when I know she cheated. Maybe it was earlier, this isn't a scientific survey. I think looking for a specific demographic is silly - there are cheaters of all genres on SI. Not a representative sample because we are self selecting in the survey, but still. I'm pretty sure there are cheaters in the teens, 20's, 30's, 40's and 100's. Ok, maybe not the 100's - that might get a pass .

Losfer - Koda doesn't seem too keen on Knight . (No disrespect to Knight - I'm sure Koda would like you mate). Weekends don't start until we have a drunk Malmute.

Oh, forgot to say: WWS


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3960 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer - Koda doesn't seem too keen on Knight . (No disrespect to Knight - I'm sure Koda would like you mate). Weekends don't start until we have a drunk Malmute.

Dude... it's not Knight, it's G'Knight. In all honesty I did totally think of Knight when I picked the brew up at the store today!

He was keen on the G'Knight, but when I took the pic, we were near the front window, and last second, you know, squirrel...


Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude... it's not Knight, it's G'Knight
After further review...I concur. I fixated on the Knight part because squirrel...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3960 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's alright. I didn't notice the "G'" in front of the "Knight" at first either, because you know, beer...

Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
numb&dumb
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Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 30th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MLC is just one several possible triggers. Parents passing away forcing you to confront your own mortality. "Hey I got a enhancement/lost weight/new job, let me see how many many men I can get to pay attention to me. Oops one got too close . ."

Mental illness. Bipolar especially. Lonely. FOOs. [Insert your own here]

Lots of triggers, but these events doesn't cause them. They just let the broken seep out like some sort of parasite that controls the host.

Except in all cases it was still a choice to try and ruin our lives. I said try. Tried and failed.

Sorry gents bad night. No good beers. On company clock. Feeling sorry for myself. I need to tape an aspirin to that and pick myself up.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2555 | Registered: May 2010
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, Numb. I hear you.

I'm in a pretty good spot right now, but still have my days. The whole MLC conversation has had me triggering from the get-go. Why did my wife choose to change her behavior right when the "MLC" hit? Was it because she was giving up on her youthful passion for OM, and settling for me? I don't know. Those types of thoughts disturb me a great deal.

I've been finding lots of comfort in blasting loud music in my headphones, gardening, hanging out with my kid and the dogs, and enjoying a good beer here and there.

Peace to you, friend. Hope you are able to catch a break from work soon.


Posts: 7215 | Registered: Dec 2010
fireguy87
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Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 31st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal...you've got some awesome insight there. Especially with the disclaimer.

Tred is right, there's no point on trying to fit a demographic as age doesn't really seem to matter. My W was 20 when she started and 22 when it ended (we're both in our 40's now).

She is still not the woman I married. I believed that the woman I married was not capable of such actions. I now know otherwise.

We've still managed to build a life together. Still have some bad days (even this far out) but the good ones far outweigh them.


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

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