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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must have missed it outside4me)))
Faux christianity is a particular thing to me. Pointing it out and dissecting its hypocritical guts, I don't know how to find offense there. Maybe...pm me with what you said, ok? I'm interested.
Mostly, I'm sorry. Your voice is missed.
I wonder - can we not police ourselves?
I think we can.

We've got talented people on here. Writers, Doctors, lawyers (don't be offended I didn't use a cap there guys! lol!) I just,
just don't understand why you should be silenced inside. I want this to be our safe place too.


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know about being careful about what I say here and how I say it. I made a comment in JFO about 2 years ago that I feel was truth, but it was, I must admit, a bit incendiary in tone. Some of the folks were offended, and the banhammer fell my way. I wrote a letter of contrition about nine months later and was re-admitted, but PM's are still forbidden to me.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When watching this I felt that the murder was the lesser crime

May be too hyperbolic, but I heard on an interview with an infidelity specialist (I think over at beyond the affair) that she treated a concentration camp survivor BH once. His quote was thus:

"When I suffered in Dachau, I wanted to live. When I suffered the infidelity I wanted to die."

May have been too much but the sentiment, the size of the damage that even a holocaust survivor would feel like that, really resonated.

Stay safe Menz, we will get through it, it feels this bad because it is this bad. But we can survive it. We are in good company.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 730 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys its been awhile since I stopped in. Been a good week for me. My holiday party went well and WW seems to be really getting it now.

So my police chief goes to some conference and comes back with these "brilliant new concepts". Special Investigations and a new supervisor rank. Umm......chief, it's corporals and street crimes with plain clothes and unmarked cars. Cool gadgets and stuff. Three groups one for each shift. Each group is assigned 12 officers a corporal and a Sgt. It's not appointed by civil service the positions are filled based on productivity and merit. Guess who is getting the night shift Sgt position.

OM's friends and fans otherwise known as "The dirty half dozen" (I love that name) don't qualify in the least. That my friends is karma.

So I'm chalking up today as another day OM doesn't win. I want to thank each and everyone of you that has been behind me. Be it posting on my threads or sending me PM's when I sounded down and out. I can't list you all because there have been so many and I would feel horrible if I missed someone and this post would be about a hundred times longer.

Today is a good day and I have so many of you to thank for that. I was in a very dark place early on as many of you have been too. No one let me down and you all had my back. For that I'm forever grateful.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

LAFA

I made a comment in JFO about 2 years ago that I feel was truth, but it was, I must admit, a bit incendiary in tone. Some of the folks were offended, and the banhammer fell my way.

You didn't make a "comment", you made a scathing, personal attack on a brand new member. Please don't mislead the members in here.

end t/j


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great to hear SWAT. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. don't be a complete stranger though. Your insight may help someone else who's at the end of his tether.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***APPLAUSE GUY*** @ Swat!

WellPlayed - wow, it may be hyperbole, fine, it's still amazing to read like that...wow


Posts: 6581 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on the road gentlemen. I've been threatening to do this for a while but today is the day. I'm going home. I'll see a palm tree today and the Gulf tomorrow. Those of you that are inclined to pray I could use some traveling mercy. Wish me luck.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Safe travels Sunsets! How long of a drive you looking at?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those of you that are inclined to pray I could use some traveling mercy. Wish me luck.

?????

Worried bro. What do you mean? If it's a really long drive(Mi to Fl?) break it up. I found some of my best travels occurred when I found the *mom and pop's* places in those little towns no-one knows about.

SWAT, good job brother. Now that you're taking up golf again, please realize that it is a four letter word for a reason.

Tred, just quoted you in Recon. Damaged71 needed some of your words. Hope you don't mind.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I don't know what's going on, maybe it's just a need to vent or something, but I figured you guys might be able to give me a clue. Last week WW's youngest passed out in the kitchen from dehydration and she was on the verge of a total breakdown. She was still kind of freaking out for probably a half hour after it was obvious he was all right. Since then, she's been watching him like a hawk to make sure he's ok. I keep telling her that he is, and he learned his lesson about keeping hydrated. He sleeps sound as a rock and she calls him in the mornings to make sure he's up for school. This morning she called me crying and freaking out that he hasn't been answering her calls. I asked her about having one of her friends who's a SAHM go by to wake him. She pointed out she wouldn't be able to get in the house if something was wrong. I asked if she wanted me to leave work to go check on him and of course she did. She was crying, almost hyperventilating, and convinced something HAD to be wrong. After all, he fainted just the week before, therefore that's proof something's wrong now (she didn't say that, but it was obvious it was what she was thinking). I wasn't happy about it, but left and made the half hour drive home only to sure enough find him still in bed snug as a bug. I woke him up and he said he never heard his alarm. I pointed out his mother had been calling him too and his phone was right next to his head.

So I left in an even more foul mood than I was when I left work, and a couple of minutes later WW called me. I wasn't in a mood to talk so it was a short call, but after we hung up I started triggering really hard. For some reason it just infuriated me that she was making such a huge thing out of nothing more than his sleeping like a rock. I kept thinking about how the AP's got the fun her that I fell in love with and I got the needy her that has to put up with the stupid shit like this. That if something like this would've happened when she was still cheating, when the chips were down it would've been me she'd run to to take care of the situation, but then go fuck them for solace afterward. I can't put my finger on it, but it really goes beyond that. I've settled down for the most part since I got back to work, but then it flares up again, and I start to trigger and get pissed off again. She obviously knows I'm pissed as she hasn't texted me until a few minutes ago. I responded, but really don't want to talk to her. I don't want when I get home for anyone to start apologizing, or explaining, or bringing it up at all. When I think about that, it pisses me off even more. I don't know why I'm being a ticking time bomb over this. It seems like such a trivial thing to be getting this upset over. I mean I'm thankful that he was ok and everything, but why the hell did this start triggering, and continues to trigger me so badly?

Unrelated to that, I have to say a big congratulations to SWAT! It's a well earned promotion brother!

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 12:48 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 267 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,

I don't have any real good advice for you mate. Triggers suck. They aren't rational. There are techniques to mitigate them, and they seem to get less virulent with time. Unless of course, they don't. I've had some doozies lately, but I seem to handle them better. What your saying though is true and relates to the unfairness of an affair. I can really relate to being the "friend without the benefits". You do all the hard work, POSER doesn't do sweet fuck all but he's the real hero. That's where self care comes in for you. Wish I had some better words of wisdom.

545 - no problems, unless it was one of my more colorful expressions!


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,

Don't remember, did you ever hit the anger phase? I was pissed about pretty much everything.

That if something like this would've happened when she was still cheating, when the chips were down it would've been me she'd run to to take care of the situation, but then go fuck them for solace afterward.

Sounds like that's ok to be upset about.

I can't put my finger on it, but it really goes beyond that

She fucked another dude. At about your point, in my timeline anyway, that realization really came home. It was the beginning of acceptance. For me anyway. Meanwhile, the was a period of *white hot* anger.

Strength

ETA Tred, no worries. I save those for FWW!

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:59 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 hours today. Got a buddy halfway in Warner Robbins. If the load falls our fuck it. I ain't stopping.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
outside4me
♂ Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept thinking about how the AP's got the fun her that I fell in love with and I got the needy her that has to put up with the stupid shit like this. That if something like this would've happened when she was still cheating, when the chips were down it would've been me she'd run to to take care of the situation, but then go fuck them for solace afterward.
Perhaps this dynamic is why you're triggering? She's run to you to take care of the situation, now you're waiting for the other shoe to drop (i.e. the fuck POSER for solace part of the equation). Even if she doesn't do part two, you're still left with a bad association from prior crapitude.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept thinking about how the AP's got the fun her that I fell in love with and I got the needy her that has to put up with the stupid shit like this.

We all got that that. We were the dependable guys that *had to* take care of lifes problems because we were M to them. OM was the pretty party boy they could sooth them self with.

Thats the truth of it. As some smart person on SI has said. the truth will set you free. but first it will piss you off. Yeh its shitty. and unfair. We did the dirty work and OM got the prize. But its the truth and accepting it is a step toward moving forward with your life.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking allot lately. wondering if I am WWs fall back plan. plan b because OM didnt work out.

During this time its been slowly dawning on me that SHE is MY second choice.

I deserved and I continue to deserve better. I deserve a wife that loves and cares for me. I deserve a wife that is faithful. I deserve a kind hearted wife. I deserve a wife that I can trust.

I DO NOT deserve to be stuck with OMs left overs. I DO NOT deserve to be with a tarnished and over used bitch that did not care one bit about anyone but herself.

Theres a thread here about regaining respect for our WWs. Ive never commented on that thread and can not remember even looking at it. Because I dont really have anything to say other than *psfft. yeh right* And because I dont have anything positive or constructive to say. I stay away.

I cant see how my WW deserves respect after what she did. I DO give her courtesy because we still are together. But respect? not so much.

Not going anywhere with this thought. except maybe that we all deserve better than we got.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor.... fuck yeah man. What you said times a ba-jillion +1.

Read this earlier:

My WW doesn't expect me to be emotionless. She expects me to only express emotions she can handle or that are positive from her perspective.

This is partly true for me. Hit home a little. But.... I think some of this was me projecting things on her. I've thrown some pretty nasty emotions at her over the past few months and she's actually listened and been willing to validate my pain and anger and resentment. But this used to be exactly how I saw her....


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not going anywhere with this thought. except maybe that we all deserve better than we got.

Damn right. Anyone who tells me that I deserved to have a lying, cheating wife better not be within arm's length at the time.

Razor, it sounds like your WW's affair was a dealbreaker. Judging by your join date and recent comments, it doesn't seem like the years have taken much if any of the edge off your pain. You're well outside the 2-5 year healing period (assuming that's even accurate).

Not trying to be confrontational brother, but you seem stuck and have seemed that way since I joined over a year ago. It may have just been hyperbole, but yesterday you indicated that you felt cheating on someone was worse than killing him. The impression is that you are in a marriage that continues to cause you pain and make you feel small.

Have you considered why you continue to stay, year after year, in something you so clearly seem to not want? Is this something you've tried to work out in IC?

And I'm well aware that there's a high price to pay whether you R or D. But what price do you put on getting away from the source of so much pain?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not trying to be confrontational brother, but you seem stuck and have seemed that way since I joined over a year ago. It may have just been hyperbole, but yesterday you indicated that you felt cheating on someone was worse than killing him. The impression is that you are in a marriage that continues to cause you pain and make you feel small.

Have you considered why you continue to stay, year after year, in something you so clearly seem to not want? Is this something you've tried to work out in IC?

As it is with everything there is no simple answer to your question. Probably the simplest way I can put it is that when weighing the consequences of staying vs going. leaving would hurt me more than staying.

For the most part I am content in my M to WW. Im financially secure. my family is intact. and I can pretty much do as I choose.

I also have a plan b in the wings should WW cross boundaries. and while that consequence would hurt my life style and my extended family. if she crossed boundaries again the consequences of staying vs going would shift in favor of going.

so far WW has kept to the boundaries. so I stay.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
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