Pics or it didn't happen
Please don't post until my industrial strength EYE BLEACH arrives. I just ordered it next day air...
A reminder (for her, which she didn't hear as she's currently not going to church) that as a christian sinning is not what's bad, but being unrepentant about it really, really is.
But also, a reminder that in the eyes of God I'm really no better than she is.
I asked to pray afterwards and the prayer counselor advised me to, if I've forgiven her as I say I have (working on it, it's a process), to try to "woo her back". "It's the right thing to do for your kids and you know it", he said.
He doesn't know the whole story, but it's tough to hear.
My therapist, however, thinks I'll be back on his couch in a year or two if I go back before she does some major work on herself, because all indication is that she will cheat again. She has a giant chip on her shoulder about men, and she's completely unremorseful about what she did.
Then MIL called. She said stbxww has gone on a couple of dates that didn't go anywhere, because "it's hard to find a man like you". So she's given up on OM, but trying the wrong way to get him out of her life. By going on Christian dating sites to meet yet another target for her narcissism.
Trying not to think about it by continuing a novel I'm writing. If I have positive projects consuming my time maybe I won't go crazy.
In the meantime I don't know what to tell her tomorrow. It feels wrong not to mark our anniversary somehow (it would be the 18th).
Any and all Menz input welcome.
Have a wonderful memorial day tomorrow. If you served, I salute you. Only you have put more at risk than we have here at SI. And if you're here, double whammy, I'm so sorry and double salute you. Maybe you can tell us which is tougher.
Not making light of service, mind you, just feeling pretty crappy, and trolling for military-like camaraderie.
I thought about sending STBXWW something that day. A nice text perhaps, like 'Happy Anniversary you c***'. She hates that word, and even through all this I don't think I've ever called her a name like that. Or something nice, or sarcastic, or loving, or begging. I probably thought about it too much. In the end I did nothing, because nothing I could have said would have been meaningful to her or helped me. I'm confident that it was the right decision, and the best thing for me. What will be best for you?
I'm thinking if I text, it would be something like:
"It's our anniversary tomorrow. I don't know what to do regarding that. So just marking it and letting you know I didn't forget it. Sorry it cannot be more romantic than this, given the circumstances. I have put our Photo library on a USB stick and I'll send it to you on the next kid exchange."
It's hard to "do the right thing" under these circumstances. I don't know if something like this would offend her or soothe her, or make her want to change. I aim for health for her because health for her is health for my kids. She's nowhere near ready I think to come back or to even consider life with me again. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but she has become a royal.. well, you know how to finish that. I'll just say "royal pain".
So letting her "shop for men", or who knows what. I feel sorry for whoever she ends up with if she's going in with that mindset. Watch out Menz - she's on the loose!
Sorry, have to keep the humor in this somehow. I cried a crapton today.
[This message edited by mike7 at 7:59 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
Tred, FC2, USN 83-88. DAV.
WellPlayed - doing the right thing is loving yourself. NOT allowing yourself to be a perpetual doormat or "supply" for an unrepentant narcissist.
*crickets* NC = No new hurts.
Take care of you.
Forgiving is more like indifference...or an agape "good luck with your salvation" kind of thing - and letting go. It is forgetting the awfulness, the pain, it fades.
It does not require you to suffer. It does not require you to accept unacceptable toxic people & their drama-filled behaviors into your life.
Wipe the dust off your feet.
Get thee behind me Satan & move on into your own healing.
My cousin's wife, who was a Vietnamese refugee as a child, posted this on Facebook this morning. I thought it was powerful.
Taking the opportunity to honor and thank the 58,286 American and 224,000 South Vietnamese service women and men who lost their lives. They bravely fought for my freedom and I am forever grateful for their sacrifices.
There were snipers in all the culverts.
I remember being in Nairobi back in the 80's surrounded by the local militia with loaded AK 47's. I had to ask the question if they were there for our protection, why were they all aiming at us?
yeah, i found the local "friendly" forces to be more dangerous than the known hostiles.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
if that doesn't sum up the fallout from her A, I don't know what would.
GP, waaaayyy too much worry about her and her needs. You are forgetting the fact that you can't fix her. Get off the horse knight. She is a princess that doesn't want to be rescued. Save yourself and the kids first. MIL can *say* anything. She see's a good thing slipping away from her daughter and is desperately clinging.
Nitro, FWW started with an EA that led to ILY that led to lets fuck.
EA to the point of I love you, yes, that would be tough. Hard to imagine I love you without sex too. Just seems like part of the broth.
Agreed. Maybe it's because it's hard to imagine that I think any of this shit would be any easier.
When you realize you are CHOOSING the level of pain you are dealing with, things start to get better. I won't say great, just better. Care more about yourself than your wife, it might help your marriage unless she isn't worth it to begin with.
Damn good stuff.
Bad idea. I got sucked back into the same dynamic. "You never... X", "I thought we'd get back together...!" (waiting for me to say "let's"? on what basis?)... All about her and how she's suffering. Still trying to get my KISA instinct to kick in.
But I have two quotes present. For her:
- "People who like being rescued often have a hobby of breeding dragons" (or in this case, of running off with the dragon voluntarily - how do you rescue someone like that?).
And for me:
- "The witch said "You will fall in love with idiots." And the princess said "That's it? That not a curse!" And the witch smiled"
No care about me as a person at all. Not even a "how are you doing?". That's how I know she's not ready yet.
But at least I know one thing. It didn't hurt as much anymore, in fact, I slept soundly the next night. I know I'm in a good place. I know what she has to do, over an extended period of time, for me to know she is changing (and I didn't tell her, it has to come from her). She said she was unhappy and I mentioned that I was too but that I could see my happiness coming back as I acted my values, maybe she should learn that unhappiness has a lot to do with acting against your own values that and contentment with the blessings you have. And no tolerance of infidelity or unremorsefulness is something that is part of my values (and of hers, when it comes down to it). Simply put, if she won't be in this marriage 100%, then I'm healing alone. And if I'm healing alone is to *be* alone. Not forever mind you, at some point I'll look for companionship, but not before I'm fully healed, which will take some time, in which she may, or may not, get her head out of her ass..
Like Tred said, choosing the level of pain I'm willing to put up with. Which to me it's mighty little nowadays. Much preferable to be alone than with someone I can't trust further than I can throw and won't take even the first step to rebuild trust.
Care more about yourself than your wife, it might help your marriage unless she isn't worth it to begin with.
I cannot believe how incredibly lost I have become to not be able to understand and implement this concept. My IC says it, but it just sounds like she asknig me to write in the cyrillic alphabet. KWIM?
How did you figure this stuff out?
And if I'm healing alone is to *be* alone.
Well, Herk, sorry to say, but we figure it out the long slow painful way. When all of your instincts fail, when all of your attempts at being the husband of your goals are laying on the ground in front of you in a twisted pile of busted crap. You eventually come to the sad realization that an entire new approach to your life is essential. One that may not wind up including the woman you built all of those dreams with. You pick your guts up off of the floor, attempt to tuck them back inside, and strive to carry on. Not a pleasant tale to tell you, and a task that seems impossible looking at it at first. But we can all assure you that it can be done, and feels just a bit better each step you take. Do not forget that we are here for you, and have your back as you have this awful ride on your plate. You will win. You will survive. You will eventually be able to take pride in yourself for deciding to live through the hell and keeping you, which is really a big part of the goal.
This is but Chapter 1. Others with hard won knowledge will further guide you. Don't give up.
[This message edited by LAFA at 10:28 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
I was watching the investigation discovery channel on the tele last night. Its a little scary how many women kill their husbands when they are having affairs.
The show I watched was about this very successful guy that married this beautiful woman. She never wanted to work herself and expected her husband to provide for her expensive tastes. And he did. He worked at a investment company and was pulling in some very serious money (> 2M a year).
She had nannies to take care of their kids. And her *job* seemed to be to shop. Every day she would spend several thousand dollars on clothes and whatever. $5000 in 1 visit to get her hair styled.
In time though she got to feeling that her husband wasnt paying enough attention to her. In her mind her husband was spending too much time at work.
Earning that money she was spending every day.
So she took up with a contractor that was doing some work on their house. It was a long term very physical affair. She also started complaining to all her girl friends about her husband. Saying that he was physically and emotionally abusing her. Crying a river of mascara dripping tears when she would talk to them.
Her husband found out about it and begged her to come back to him. She did and said she ended the affair but the affair continued at least on a EA level.
The wife started drugging her husband. Trying to poison him. Eventually she drugged him with a date-rape drug and while he lay in bed unconscious she bashed in his head with a metal statue.
The police caught her of course (otherwise the story would not be on the tele).
Im not sure where Im going with this. But of course the story bothered me.
Not allot of parallels with WWs LTA. WW worked and OM was a co worker. But the complaints about her husband not paying enough attention AND all the stuff she told her girl friends was spot on.
Fortunately I didnt get me head bashed in.
Sometimes in extreme examples like this you can see things clearer. Because they are larger and so more obvious.
How is it that WWs feel entitled to freely spend all that we earn AND also demand that we lavish them with attention. Earning a good income AND spending lots of time with our WWs seem mutually exclusive. In that you can do 1 OR the other. But not both (at least not well).
So this falls into what Ive heard about women wanting a dependable guy to provide security ($$$) and help take care of children - AND - women wanting a bad-boy exciting guy to have around for sex and whatever.
As I said. Not sure where Im going with this. Just sort of poking at it mentally.
edited to remove questionable remarks by me.
[This message edited by Razor at 6:02 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Who knows what went on?