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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
titanfour
♂ Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness? Sure that happens. you have to forgive on some level to even stay M or in R. Total forgiveness? I'm not sure I know what that is either. Problem is forgiving over and over and over every time the emotions resurge.

Quiet Desperation? HELL yes!

Make Peace? Well, for me, its a never ending battle, and peace implies finality. I make truces that last from days to years. See "forgiveness" above

tmi?
For a time, I just could not make love to W and finish. Anatomy functioned fine. I was just sure she would end up doing this again and it would be over so what was the point? That plagues me now and again. So I avid sex if my emotions are conflicted.

Like Fireguy, my DD was long ago, but I've had "challenges" throughout M, many of which I didn't even recognize until coming to SI in 2009. Most of the challenges are just understanding the relationship dynamics and emotional impact after the A. I never told anyone.

I also agree that as men and fathers we are wired to be the solvers of problems (we think). We are confounded by this because it has no solution - It happened; we can only search for ways to cope and (I think) typically we don't want to ask for help. I know I didn't.

I agree that its unlikely you'll get 100%. At this point, I think my W still hates herself to some degree for this, but she avoids the subject as much as me. Sometime I think she resents that she is not the victim. Hard to explain here. I know there are things I don't know, and what's the point in knowing now?

Anyway, I still have days where this weighs heavily on me, while not on her, but could be a perspective issue. either way, I get through and still find happy times.


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Afternoon guys. Just wanted to stop in and wish everyone a happy Memorial Day. To those that served and those hat sacrificed I thank you.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swat, thank YOU brother. Keeping up with you in JFO. I'll post there too, but short and sweet, OM didn't win shit. Keep your head high. Nice guys DO NOT FINISH LAST. Seems that way sometimes, I can look myself in the mirror and like what I see, but damn, you too. Think he does, or can?

Remember, it's a roller coaster. The lows really suck. BTDT. All I can say is don't. Don't let this shit change who you are.

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:17 PM, May 24th (Saturday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay Menz, who here has served in the armed forces?

US Navy YN2 (SS) nuclear submarine

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

I have to deal with both. For me, a PA is much harder to live with.

I gave up hoping. Too many disappointments.

This would be much easier if I could kill hope!


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Sep 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DB,

nuclear submarine

Do you still glow?

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

My issue with that is *anybody can fuck*. She said she loved him. To me, that takes it to another level. Tmi, I fucked a few women I didn't *love*. To me, Love means something. Sex, not so much.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

54,

In this case maybe the issue is the grass is always greener on the other side.

I feel like with EA at least the images would be gone.

EA to the point of I love you, yes, that would be tough. Hard to imagine I love you without sex too. Just seems like part of the broth.

I look at this as a spectrum, 1 EA, 2 PA, 3 long term PA, 4 multiple AP PAs , and then 5 any of those plus WW files for D in terms of the Fujiita scale of marriage devastation, or the F&&&ed scale. Then I met a guy who caught herpes from WW too and I thought, well even in D this guy carries that with him for life, maybe that is worse than I imagined. So that is F5 std.

So maybe we could introduce overelves that way, for example I'm an F4 in R!!


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like debating which testicle would be worse to have crushed in a mechanical press, right or left? I'd prefer neither thank you very much.

Unfortunately I had both at once so I have a hard time separating out the subtle nuances of which one hurt the most.

On the plus side things got a lot better once they grew back.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 405 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the plus side things got a lot better once they grew back.

Pics or it didn't happen


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes, HT! Now that's an image I don't want in my head....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10109 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which type of an A is worse? Well, since I've been treated to both, with different wives, I guess I'm qualified to answer. I truly don't know. Wife # 1, a genuine wine and roses affair, the cruel and intentional kind of infidelity, the OC, no thought ever given to R. The thorough mindfuck. Add to the equation that I was 30 years younger then, with the enormous capacity for self pity that can permeate those with little life experience. I was an absolute mess for several years, bouncing around the country because my occupation allowed it, but also wreaking vengeance on any woman who dared to claim to care for me, because she couldn't, really, not after what I had been through. Losing my children, home and everything. I could put on a splendid woe is me performance, and did so for a very long time.

Then, came the day I decided to live again. Not sure exactly why, but likely I was beginning to see some professional success. I took a few years for myself, and dropped the victim mentality. Eventually I met wife #2. I vowed to myself to be a man this time around. We've had some great times in life, and we have seen patches of hell. Her stroke, rehab. The heroin, another type of rehab for her. The "Friend", and then his suicide. I'm compressing some, but it's best for me if I do. I don't think I'll ever know about just how deep any remorse might be, she is still profoundly affected by the stroke. She does her best, and I truly know she loves me. There will be no D. There is still the touch of sadness, but it is not allowed to color my days and nights like the first one. Not really a band aid to tear off any more.

Nope, didn't enjoy either one very much.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit, LAFA... you have been through the wringer.

Which type of an A is worse?

I think it is pretty safe to say that they are both worse. I haven't heard anyone say anything pleasant about an EA or a PA. That's for sure.


Posts: 7122 | Registered: Dec 2010
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Memorial Day to anyone that serves or has served. Whether it be Military, Police, Fire/Rescue, or EMT, THANK YOU for what you do or have done for our country!!

It's like debating which testicle would be worse to have crushed in a mechanical press, right or left? I'd prefer neither thank you very much.
Unfortunately I had both at once so I have a hard time separating out the subtle nuances of which one hurt the most.

On the plus side things got a lot better once they grew back.

OUCH!! Why is it when we as men read something like this we swear we can almost actually feel the pain?


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be fair, Losfor, the wringer on the first one was mostly what I made it. I was the whiny, woe is me bastard I now detest. On #2, we are doing our best. I'm more on SI now days to try to help those still trying to work their way through fresh pain.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you realize you are CHOOSING the level of pain you are dealing with, things start to get better. I won't say great, just better. Care more about yourself than your wife, it might help your marriage unless she isn't worth it to begin with.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Care more about yourself than your wife, it might help your marriage unless she isn't worth it to begin with.

Right on the money, Uncle Tred! It took me awhile to get there myself, but I totally agree.

I'm with you, LAFA. It does take some time and learning to get to that point of realization that you have control over your own healing.

One of the things that I have been pursuing is "normalcy". I've been catching more and more glimpses at it as I realize it is right in front of me. Today it felt good to throw some mulch down in the back yard. I sat down afterwards and realized my yard looks better than any of our neighbors' yards. I'm not going to win any awards or anything, but it sure felt good. I felt like the Joe Walsh song, "Ordinary Average Guy" was written for me.

I'm off to one of our local festivals with the family now to go get some grilled meat and cold beer.

Take care fellers.


Posts: 7122 | Registered: Dec 2010
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been dancing around this concept in my head for a while. Thanks for articulating it.

Is it 5 o'clock yet?


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 755 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pics or it didn't happen

I tried but I couldn't fit them both in frame. Those babies are fuckin HUGE

Seriously, it's been quite a problem, have to buy special pants...


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 405 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Care more about yourself than your wife....

So often - too often, I think - M & F BSes rail against selfishness, when selfishness is part of being human.

There are a lot of things I think are more important than my own pleasure - I give to charities, I used to give blood even though I hate needles, I'm probably too gentle in my client billing, I go to synagogue (sometimes) even though I'd prefer to sleep in - but when my W and partner tells me she's betrayed me (and herself, before me), I feel neither guilt nor shame in making my healing and my recovery more important to me than hers.

At least some types of selfishness are absolutely right. Just sayin'....

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:23 PM, May 25th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10109 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, it's been quite a problem, have to buy special pants...

That explains the MC Hammer look...I was wondering. I remember that WOES has to ride in the back seat because your nuts have to ride shotgun


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my mind an EA is no easier that a PA, just a different dimensions of pain. Lets see, would you like your balls stomped on or your heart yanked out of your chest? Each of these affairs have varying scales ONS to LTA or an inappropriate friend to I'm in love with him so the type and severity needs to be quantified in any comparison. Even with this any comparison seems meaningless since each of us also has our own personal experiences/sensitivities that compound the pain. I am particularly sensitive to betrayal and my WWs high scale EA seemed like an extinction level event to me.

Good job knockeddown. Picking the high road is always a good choice. If she recognizes this characteristic in you she may still be there at the end of your dark tunnel. Either way you did good!

I had a somewhat similar situation the other day. An attractive young lady probably half my age was flirting with me. I was thinking why is the world messing with my brain like this. I have enough crap to deal with right now with my WW and I'm probably old enough to be her father. Though I will admit I do not look my age, but still. Maybe it's all just a reminded to always stay focused on the high road.

HT, after something has been flattened it's usually larger

Enjoy the long weekend and thank you to all who have served, especially those who did not return!


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

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