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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of which, I've rejected the whole "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" meme. Most of my male friends have been cheated on (OK, I'm old enough that everything that was going to happen has pretty much had time to happen, I get that.), but a common theme is how many times they were just in it for the sex.

Yeah, that Mars & Venus crap is old at this point.


Yeah, most girls like pretty things and most guys like to hit things and while there are certainly predispositions based on gender, a lot of that shit is cultural, social, parental, etc. Coming at it like "OMG my wife will forever be a mystery!" or "OMG my husband will forever be a mystery!" is a good way to pretend to deal with a communication issue while not putting any real work into it.

Mars and Venus were a pair of stupid, childish assholes who had way too much power and responsibility for the way they fucked around and cocked everything up. If we're going to call people a bunch of childish, irresponsible morons desperate to fuck or kill anything they can as often as they can lets just say it and leave it at that and not spruce it up with a doorstop novel that has a bunch of pithy bullshit to confuse people with.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7447 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody play TitanFall on PC? my screen name is Onikage36. I am looking to kick back after work today, since I am working late and have nothing to do, and since I have no one at home... I probably won't get home until 11pm eastern.

Worked out today, and boy I feel like I could go another round.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:40 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
BAMAC
♂ Member
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How could the questions *where is this relationship going?* and *what are we going to do?* not be asked? Whether in a fantasy or under the influence of insanity those questions must be there.

There is a risk of being caught. So *what are we going to do?* has to be considered. Is this affair a real relationship (in their mind) is it enough to leave your BS for? If you get caught what will you do?

After DDay1, when I was trying to R, I asked her these questions. She told me they had talked about a future together. Of course, they were both too cowardly to do anything about it, which is why I ended up in false R, and why I was the one to file despite being the one who actually wanted the marriage. That pretty much encapsulates what a fantasy the A is, two people talking about something they don't have the balls to do.


DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen, the weekend is upon us. If I don't get the chance to over the next few days I want to say thank you to all here who have/are serving our country whether it be military, law enforcement, or emergency services. I am and always will be indebted to you for your service and I salute you. Later I shall also raise a toast to all of you as well as those lucky enough to not find themselves here, and those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Freedom is never free.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As sad as it may sound. I am not a soldier, but I would of have rather have face bullets and bombs and give my life up for a comrade then go through this crap.

My brother is and I appreciate there hard work and commitment.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 4:01 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOP - It is truly great to have you here! You have had one hell of a week, and your story is such an inspiration. Stick around, pull up a bar stool... and as long as you are tending from your personal collection (which looks incredibly awesome, by the way!!), I will definitely try a neat dram of Mortlach. That is a scotch that I have not yet become acquainted with.

To all those who have served, thank you so much. This weekend I will raise my flag to my great uncle, who died in WWI.

I am off of work a bit early, and have cracked open a cold one. If you look closely at the label, the hops kinda match the dog:

Hope all of you all have a good long weekend!

To those of you in Canada, I hope you had a good long weekend last weekend!

Cheers to all!


Posts: 7097 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I might be a little jealous of Koda right now. No, I know I am, looks likes he's settled in for the weekend. Pull up a rug and a beer, sounds good to me.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
titanfour
♂ Member
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always be proud to have served, I had it in my mind to do so from elementary school to college ROTC. Luckily I came though without a scratch, but lost friends to everything from crashes & bombs to alcoholism.

We all knew we were often in danger, sometimes even joked about it. But I never felt my M was in the crosshairs. All the way until the missile hit. Hard to be prepared for that "sacrifice."

I salute everyone as well, many had far more tragic scenarios than I had to face, so I guess I am still by far a lucky one.


ME: FBH
HER: FWW
many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foundoutlater, when it comes to Santa, the truth is better than the fantasy. The presents are left by a couple of elves who love you much more than "Santa" ever could. So much so that they're willing to let a fictional character get all the credit for your joy and happiness. Maybe getting real with our WWs will eventually lead to something deeper and more meaningful. All I know is that I'm not interested in going back to the pre-A marriage, which I now know was based in large part on an idealized fantasy (in my own head, anyway).

Sal I know this and was working to live there. Some setbacks left me off kilter and I think this is where I started to turn to - the default Ė what Iíve ďknownĒ all these years. It was good to recognize it so I could understand part of why I have been struggling. Thanks for the perspective becuase I really need it.

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

I could deal with no A much better than an A Ė outside of that Iím not sure what would be harder for me. What I do know is what is harder is very dependent on who you are and comparing between people is just not applicable.

Where is the affair going?

I don't know if I will ever really know (not sure I will ever believe it all), but what I believe is they were fucking around and thatís that as long as I did not find out. POSER thought heíd need to move to Alaska if I found out. He (and I) are lucky I had something to lose by the time DDay 2 rolled around. I love my kids and I think Iím starting to get back to believing killing him would be bad for me as well.

I just had a realization, Iím afraid to hope

At one point I was afraid to hope for anything. That was a very dark place. I have hope. I just donít hope to get back to believing in Santa Claus. At some point in this journey I hope to know what I believe again. From what Iíve read from others and my progress so far I think itís a hope grounded in reality.

I don't see forgiveness coming, but acceptance has arrived.

Sisoon Ė I hope all is well. I might have missed some stuff but as far as I know you and your W are on the path (slow as it may be sometimes). Maybe I missed something but I thought you were one who believed in forgiveness. Thinking about you man.

many had far more tragic scenarios than I had to face, so I guess I am still by far a lucky one.

I hear you titanfour. I have had my problems and all but itís nothing compared to what so many others have endured. That in itself can be motivation but damn for a while it had me stuffing it all, stiff upper lip and all. Itís all about balance I think. Dealing with your own shit while not sinking and realizing you are strong and others have it worse.

Yeah, that Mars & Venus crap is old at this point.

I agree Ė if all that were true Iíd be one hairy mo fo chick.

Well that was a lot of yacking Ė maybe I am a hairy chick. Feels good though.

It should be a good weekend for me. No drinking but plenty of kid time and working with my hands (good therapy). Hope you all have a good weekend.

To all those who have served - you are the ones who paid the price for the freedom we all enjoy. Thank you.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sproket
♂ Member
Member # 41262
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well had another M. C. tonight and more tt. Sigh time for a nice cold one or maybe a entire bottle of something.


ME:BS 40
W: WW 40
M: Oct 2009
D.D Nov 2, 2013

Posts: 80 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: VA
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheers Sprocket. And to the rest of you gentlemen. A little Sapphire for me this evening.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While i never served myself i grew up in a military family (Dad, Grandfathers, Uncles, Cousins) and i am very thankful for their service.

Just kicking back with a cold one tonight, listening to music and some cooking to relax :) The W has booked IC for monday, a very big step in my book, so see how it goes once she starts talking to someone (other then me). I am hopeful though i know it will be a hard and possibly painful process.

Cheers menz hope it is a good weekend for you all.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow haven't posted in a while boys. As for drinking tonight, I turned into a vagina and had a Spellound cab. Maybe it had to do with going to dream dinners for our meals for the next two weeks. Anyway got a question(s) or observation for some of the long timers here.

1) Is it really forgiveness, (whatever the fuck that is) or do we really just make peace with the shit we in R deal with? After nearly 5 years I'm thinking it is we just make peace with it and carry on in some level of quiet desperation .

2) Here is the tmi portion of the programming, while being intimate this morning the imagery is still in my head. Even after 2 years of intense IC and EMDR therapy. Again see question 1. Do we just make peace with it or carry on in a level of quiet desperation.


Me 52(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-24,22,18,15
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh time for a nice cold one or maybe a entire bottle of something

Well, I'm actually considering both. JD out of the freezer straight from the bottle. No particular reason. Well, actually, cleaning up the garage and basement. FWW sound asleep, DS 9 fell asleep at 10. Normally rocking out while doing it. Too damned quiet! Sorry for your pain brother.

Do4,

1) Is it really forgiveness, (whatever the fuck that is) or do we really just make peace with the shit we in R deal with?

Aren't those two separate things? My FWW took a while to *get* remorse. When she accomplished that, I *think*(after a while) I forgave *her*. Accepting the affair and the fallout, that she is capable of having another? That's where I'm struggling.

2) Here is the tmi portion of the programming, while being intimate this morning the imagery is still in my head. Even after 2 years of intense IC and EMDR therapy.

Every time? Wow, that's a tough one.

Do we just make peace with it or carry on in a level of quiet desperation.

Personally, given the imagery still being there, I don't see how I could make peace with it. Have you really looked into the A being a *deal-breaker*? Have you ever really considered what a D would mean to you? I mean the whole kit and caboodle. *5 years down the road I would be.....*. Given what you are describing, why are you staying?

Strength to you my brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is different for everyone i think, i let myself get angry and deal with it, i work out or beat the crap out of my drums, listen to loud angry music, cook, play with my kids, just let it out, that is what works for me, i found if i kept it inside eventually it just boils over.

As far as forgiving, i forgave my WS within a few days, now FORGETTING is an entirely different matter, see above for how i remedy that, you are going to get different answers from different people but thats what i do, also posting on here, venting, that helps too.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
Adeahan
♂ Member
Member # 43005
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here is the end result, no kids till tomorrow afternoon so i made me and the W a romantic dinner, home made stuffed chicken parm, turned out pretty good.


Me 33, H 31,D-Day 03/30/14, Together 12 years, married 2, 3 kids, 3 dogs, Working on R
"nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ainít about how hard you hit. Itís about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Posts: 138 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2) Here is the tmi portion of the programming, while being intimate this morning the imagery is still in my head. Even after 2 years of intense IC and EMDR therapy. Again see question 1. Do we just make peace with it or carry on in a level of quiet desperation.

Honestly, I don't think you should ever worry about this being considered TMI. More than likely every single one of us has gone or is going through this same situation.

My DDay was over 20 years ago, I have had the images in my head EVERY time we've been intimate since then. As the years go on, it becomes easier to deal with (the pain never leaves, it's just you learn to cope with it).

I think that we all actually do a little bit of both. We make peace with it at the same time we carry on in a level of desperation.

FG87


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
fireguy87
♂ Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any WW come 100% truthful? I frankly can't believe it, though I may be a bit prejudiced at the moment.

I sure that you will find the rare WW that does come clean 100%. But honestly, human nature dictates that we go into self preservation mode when we feel threatened. It's not so much "I didn't want to hurt you or cause you any more pain than I already have" but rather when our WW's are questioned they immediately fear that they are going to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or be overcome with guilt and out of this they will continue to lie, minimize, or just plain use the "I don't remember" excuse.

Please don't take this as my justification for the action, it's not.


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
ontheslope
♂ Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Is it really forgiveness, (whatever the fuck that is) or do we really just make peace with the shit we in R deal with?

I think, for those of us with the choice to move on who decide to stay anyway, it is more about sacrifice. We've always been the strong ones, the ones who the family could always look to for strength and guidance and to be the "rock" for them to cling to in the storm. We chose to stay and finish that duty, to continue to be that person for our children and for the sake of finances and stability and history.

And sometimes, when we really stop and think about it, that just sucks big brass monkey-balls.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Is it really forgiveness, (whatever the fuck that is) or do we really just make peace with the shit we in R deal with?

On D-Day, I 'forgave' my W as a way of keeping/getting myself out of Victim. From time to time, I'd feel myself saying, 'Poor me! Look at what she did to me!' Then I'd say to myself, 'Oops - I can't say that anymore because I've forgiven her.' It usually got me out of Victim, in the early days.

Recently, I've realized when I've forgiven past hurts, I've forgotten them. 'Forgive' is associated with 'forget' for me. 'Forgive' has other associations for my W, which I won't go into, but not ones that I sign on to. I don't see myself forgetting the A.

I do accept her A, though. I also accept that my W is probably healthier emotionally than she's ever been. She's not going to cheat again. She's honest. She continues to work on herself and on our M. I think of the A everyday, but generally without pain. My W's A is in the past for me. She's still working on it, so I don't think R isn't complete yet, but it's in progress and going well. All indications are that we'll R, but we'll use the term 'acceptance' rather than 'forgiveness'.

Among BSes, I'm very lucky.

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

That's possibly true for me, but if it is, recovery is still extremely difficult....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10097 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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