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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay Menz, who here has served in the armed forces? I ask only because I thought I knew some, but having the memory of flea, apparently, I've forgotten it all.

Of course, I will start with the Navy.

RSU7 - Former Navy doc
Tred - Not sure. Probably an ET1 or something like that.
Merlin - For some reason, I thought he was a diver.
William - Marines. Like it or not, Marines are part of the Department of the Navy! Anchors aweigh you jarhead. :)

Totally forgot about everyone else. Sorry. Let us know

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 8:26 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 896 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if Tred has the ACTUAL barrel itself with the JD still in it, I have access to a whiskey thief to tap that sucker...

Yeah...I'm a geek about this stuff.

It's Friday Gentlemen. YOP is buying.

HELLZ yeah I am!!

What I meant was that she didn't cheat with the purpose of hurting me, our family or the kids.

I got to disagree with this statement. At some point, the WW, will have to think of you, the kids and the families, and make the conscious decision to continue her actions.

And I think the family does enter into their minds. I just don't think they are able to process. I just had the battle of my life on Wed with my mother and one of the topics we discussed was her A that blew apart my family. This exact statement came up. Honestly, everything about an A is so self centered that the WW can't get past themselves. They are just lost in it without a care in the world. I threw at her "You are not Erica fucking Kane on All My Children. Your A was shoved into my face by you and you didn't have a care in the world as you watched yourself blow our family apart". She didn't even have a come back to that. There was nothing she could say because she knew it was true. They really don't think of anything other than themselves so thinking about their families or anyone other than themselves never enters into their own equation even if they see it as a variable on the board.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1830 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gg - sorry to hear the diagnosis brother. A prayer for your recovery.

Nitro - I know how you feel. I tried getting anything I could off the cell phone WW had until she got the one she has now which was about 6 months before dday. Nothing. Knowing I will never get the full truth from her is one of those things that makes my teeth itch.

william - sorry the anniversary was triggery for you. Mine is coming up next month a couple of weeks after WW's cruise so I know I'm not going to be in exactly a festive mood.

yop - wb brother and I'll have a glass of that Mortlach myself please.

In regards to WW's cruise, I still haven't spoken to her about it. Been a shit filled two weeks with mother's day, her birthday, issues regarding her oldest and his gf, my son quitting and then finding a job, her youngest passing out from heat exhaustion, etc. Going try to make an effort sometime this weekend to sit her down though. I'm not going to present her with a "me or the cruise" proposition, I think we're past that point now. I'm pretty sure I know where her head is, and it's not where it needs to be. The other day I mentioned the cruise in front of her youngest and she got a panicked look on her face. She hadn't told him about it yet, so it's not just me she was keeping it from (although the subject was touched on at her brother's last weekend and she seems to think I clearly was told she was going). I'm going to let her know in no uncertain terms what my problem with this is (she apparently thinks it's just the money). If it ruins the cruise for her knowing that I'm at home under the assumption she's fucking everyone on the ship including Pepe the cabin boy, then so be it. I don't really give a shit. Things are going to have to start being very different from the way they have been. I'm through with the status quo we've had, and that includes things from my end. Either the work's going to start being done to make this better or I'm gone.

As an afterthought: maybe I should text her every day of the cruise "Keep your knees and your teeth together"


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony


Posts: 247 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was complaining about the nagging feeling you don't know all the facts.

I should add, in a somewhat humerous vien, that despite my WW lying about everything until I could provide evidence to force a confession, occasionally she randomly told me things I actually didn't ask for and didn't want to know!

I had gotten an email selling sex advice, and mentioning female ejaculation, and I'm a doctor, and I say, that is ridiculous, and she pipes up next to me in bed, says no it's not, and then sheepingly explains she did, once, with one of the APs, wet the bed, was suprised. A little research, and I discover that yes, probably women can squirt a bit from skenes glands if you massage G-spot for like ten minutes, but jeez, that is an image I could do without. Some other bloke giving my wife a "first". Just kills me.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning, guys. Wishing all a happy weekend even tho it's still only 4 am here. Haven't slept tonight, not sure if it's the sciatic, or if this crap has sent for another trip in the spin cycle. They tend to feed rach other. Plus had to lay down some unhappy truth to somebody in JFO. I'm far enough along that my main role here needs to be support to pay it forward to all of those who stood for me when it was rough. 3 days off after today, not too sure what I'm going to do with my dumb ass for that long.I will be stopping by. Cheers, and peace to you all.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

Well said.

Second, I think one difference for men is that the onus of successful performance in sex is much higher for us. We can go too early or too late. A chubby asian massage therapist could rifle off Brad Pitt to orgasm in 2 minutes; women are much harder to please. Finally, their equipment is rarely an issue. Stage fright or size, either too big or too small, just isn't an issue. And they can fake it, we can't. The bottom line is, competition with AP in the sexual arena is very stressful for us, and the stress has negative effects on our performance too. Betrayed women may worry the AP thinner, etc, but those same body issues affect us as well, so that is a draw.

BINGO!!!

I think this is harder for men. I go to a BAN meeting, mostly women, and could never say this to them. But I think it's true. There is a "boys will be boys" understanding in polite female society; for the men, your wife is a slut.
And that makes it hurt more too.

I go to BAN meeting as well...well I call in from time to time. Too far away for me to travel. A few men in the group.

Once she crosses that boundary, it's like you can't look at her the same and feel the same about her. Orgasming with someone else is like a stake in the heart. It will forever draw comparisons. Size, body size, performance and all of that junk...

In all honesty, we are probably more like women then women are.

Also I do a lot of posting and reading on here at work and some people have seen me on the site but never questioned me about it.

It is ashamed to have to add this under our belts as we have no part in the infidelity itself.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:00 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gg, Very sorry about your diagnosis. I hope the research comes through fast.

Nitrobob (and others), How hard is it for you to rugsweep your desire for info? Is your W holding back some serious info? If so, don't you think that could be a big obstacle to R?

Acceptance: I always said I accepted my W as she is. It's just that I didn't realize in my gut she's always been a potential cheater. I still accept her. I don't see forgiveness coming, but acceptance has arrived.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9755 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RSU7, I'm a former Air Force security policeman, M-60 gunner on 44-man ABGD team. The grunts of the AF. Don't be fooled by the good food and the new facilities, the AF really is a branch of the service.

foundoutlater, when it comes to Santa, the truth is better than the fantasy. The presents are left by a couple of elves who love you much more than "Santa" ever could. So much so that they're willing to let a fictional character get all the credit for your joy and happiness. Maybe getting real with our WWs will eventually lead to something deeper and more meaningful. All I know is that I'm not interested in going back to the pre-A marriage, which I now know was based in large part on an idealized fantasy (in my own head, anyway).

jjct, thanks. I see what you're saying. My point which wasn't real clear from my post is that we are all human, and flawed. We should trust ourselves as long as we're confident that we're seeing things clearly. Because people b.s. themselves all the time. I know I did for years when it comes to the state of my marriage. Everything should be looked at with a critical eye, including our own thought processes and coping mechanisms.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could deal with an EA much better than PA.

True, although I think in many cases the "EA" is actually a "PA" with the added ingredients of lying, minimization, and denial.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon: Well, she lied and said there was only one, then only two, then only three, well you get the picture. I found evidence for 4, but could have missed something, or just didn't leave a trail, so even though she says that's all (as if my heart wasn't crushed just from #1), I just don't know.

If they come clean with more than you can bear right from the start, tell you things you couldn't have known, make it worse for themselves, then yes, you can believe. Not so in my case.

The fact is, I am embarrassed to say that I love her so much that I wanted R even after finding this out. Then in MC suggested she might have been manic during the summer this all went down,she also started smoking, heavy drinking, impulsive shopping, not sleeping etc. She had been on anti-depressants, felt bad, doubled them, threw her into a mania because she was bipolar and never had been diagnosed. So forgiveness is easier...she was literally crazy..but I wanted to R even before I knew this. Now she is on meds, doing well, doesn't use bipolar as an excuse except to reassure me that she wasn't acting in malice, wasn't thinking straight. Apparently hypersexuality with bipolar is common in women, it used to be called nymphomania.

Weird story, but sometimes I see men describing WW with multiple affairs, out of character, and think, with 3% of population bipolar, consider WW might be ill.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a "boys will be boys" understanding in polite female society; for the men, your wife is a slut.

This is one of the many reasons SI was such a Godsend to me, and to so many guys I see here. This is the kind of support community that we could all use in the larger world but so often don't get. And I'm not just talking about A's.

My WW had an A at work, her AP bragged about it there, and pretty soon everybody knew about it but her. In the end, I found out about it before she "got around" to confessing, which just made the hurt that much worse.

It was only a matter of time before my best friend found out (he was good friends with a co-worker of hers) and yeah, he gave me a really hard time about my slut's behavior. That hurt.

Later, when his wife got caught in an A, he was genuinely remorseful to me for that, but the damage was done. Guys really do need to learn to stick together a little more, especially now that our W's are out in the workforce and have as much opportunity to stray as guys do. And, based on my personal experience, are acting on it.

Speaking of which, I've rejected the whole "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" meme. Most of my male friends have been cheated on (OK, I'm old enough that everything that was going to happen has pretty much had time to happen, I get that.), but a common theme is how many times they were just in it for the sex.

Now my W (graduated from FWW) is more emotionally unavailable than average, but she claims she didn't even particularly like the guy, just wanted to fuck him. So she did, repeatedly. As far as she was concerned, that had nothing to do with our M, because she was still in love with me, not with him, didn't plan to leave me, and was "just having a little fun." So unimportant, she "forgot" to mention it.

A bit shocked when I didn't exactly see eye to eye with her on that. I won't generalize, but I'd put most of the WW's I know personally in the same category.

What the fuck is the world coming to?

[This message edited by MoreWould at 11:11 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should probably post this in the BS questions for WS thread. But for now Im more comfortable asking you guys opinions.

Was watching the tele last night and there came on a conversation between 2 characters where 1 admitted a affair.

The other character asked almost immediately.
What are you going to do?
and
Where is the affair going?

Do you guys think that people in affairs think long term? I mean. Do they think the affair relationship is going anywhere? Or are they content with just a little on the side?

The what are you going to do question seems to mean that the character in the affair knows the affair is wrong. Which I think everyone in a affair must believe. So something has to be done about it?

And yet affairs go on for years becoming relationships.

I guess the crux of my question is. What sort of relationship is a affair? What do you guys think?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think (not in all cases of course) that an A can become very much like a regular relationship without all the farting, belching, morning breath, what are we going to do about the kids, how are we going to pay this bill, the car needs new tires, etc. that is everyday life. In many ways it is fantasy. Each one gets all those qualities that made their spouse fall in love with them with the distractions of real life minimized. It's the giddy early days of a relationship almost all of the time. I can just hear my WW telling Thing 1 "I love that I can just be me with you" (after all I used to hear that from her when we were dating). Meaning she can be her best self, knowing that she's getting the best him in return. It had to be nice knowing that he wasn't going to do something that would turn her into the hurricane of a shrew she can be with me at the flip of a switch. It's all idealized bullshit.

I know it can't be like that all the time with them, after all they have to commiserate with each other about what shitty spouses they have. But I'm sure that makes "Hey, let's make out and then fuck" have an even greater appeal as an escape.

Of course I could be totally wrong, I've never been an adulterer and never will be.

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 12:05 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony


Posts: 247 | Registered: Dec 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think an affair is a form of temporary insanity and whenever I try to contemplate the reasons, justifications, and the horrendous acts involved in one, I run the risk of slipping into temporary insanity.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

US Navy - FC2 when I got kicked out.

It's no longer in the barrel - 47 cartons.

Looks like a lot going on, but I need to do some yard work. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend. I'm spending mine doing John Deere therapy


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3741 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People here often talk about the fantasy during the affair. How no one has to deal with *real* issues.

I also hear about the *insanity* thing.

But I just cant wrap my head around the affair being a parallel or concurrent relationship with the M. Im not buying the insanity plea. And Im not buying the fantasy thing either.

How could the questions *where is this relationship going?* and *what are we going to do?* not be asked? Whether in a fantasy or under the influence of insanity those questions must be there.

There is a risk of being caught. So *what are we going to do?* has to be considered. Is this affair a real relationship (in their mind) is it enough to leave your BS for? If you get caught what will you do?

And relationships arent static. They evolve. We dated our WWs. Other women too before we were M. Those relationships evolved. We M our WW. And the relationships with the other women ended one way or the other. All that was evolution. So what of affairs? How do they evolve?

I just dont get this. But I also never was in a concurrent relationship either. So maybe thats why I dont understand it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had a realization, I’m afraid to hope…

I’ve been having a rough couple of days, and I wasn’t really sure why until I read this:

As a result I think I've backslid a bit and want Santa Claus to be real - I want to believe what I used to believe about trust and so much more. Need to get back to accepting what is in front of me this reality I live in was always my reality. My reality is good overall and I have a crap load of not so good to work through.
My life has been going pretty damn well over the last few months, but I struggle to enjoy it because in the back of my mind there is this ‘knowing’ that it can be ripped away at any given moment (if it is real at all). And as a result, I feel stuck with, ‘if I don’t hope for anything, then I can’t be disappointed/hurt/…’ How do you bridge the gap between hope and reality without giving up hope altogether?

I don’t know that I am really looking for answers (but if you have them, I will gladly hear them) as much as I am just thinking out loud.


'one walks away saying "I fought to save God's ideal," and the other must always admit, "I fought to destroy God's ideal!"'

Posts: 379 | Registered: Jul 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave up hoping. Too many disappointments.

It took a long time to give up hope and even wishing for WW to change. For me tho. Its better to just accept the reality of my life now even as harsh as it is.

Hope is a bitch because it can crush your soul.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, I didn't mean actual, clinical insanity. Was actually going for a little bit of humor there.

ETA: Too little humor, apparently.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:02 PM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1325 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support guy's. As for my multiple sclerosis, I am pretty lucky in some kind of way. My relapse was so bad that 8 neurologist looked at my case and I have access to the best treatment I can get right now. It should stop/slow the progression of the disease, so I should continue to enjoy life, get better and play with my kids. There are also a ton of research going on, so I can hope that one day there will be better and better medication and eventually a cure.

Lostsamurai

I got to disagree with this statement. At some point, the WW, will have to think of you, the kids and the families, and make the conscious decision to continue her actions.

In the case of my fWW, she thought about her real life only when she got home. She was doing compartimentalization and was an expert about this. So my point is that when she was doing it, it wasn't with the objective of destroying everything, hurt me, etc. It happened to hurt all of us, but she was trying to escape something. I still don't understand why she chose that instead of talking and seeing someone in IC, but I guess this is how some WW deal with their problems (Some mens too). They tend to minimize things. She was sure that she did nothing to the kids with her A.

In fact, she did nothing directly to them, but the divorce we almost had would have affected them.

yearsofpain25

Honestly, everything about an A is so self centered that the WW can't get past themselves.

I tend to agree with that. A lot. Me me me me me,I was so sad, didn't feel pretty, etc.
sisoon
I don't see forgiveness coming, but acceptance has arrived.

This is totally how I feel right now.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
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