GG, welcome back brother. Sorry about the diagnosis.
I gotta ask though,
She didn't cheat on purpose
how do you wrap your head around that? Fucked up childhood, shitty coping skills et. It was still her choice, not? She was still the one that made that choice. My FWW was totally emotionally abandoned by both of her parents. NEVER remembers *I love you* from either. She turned to older men for *affection* in the only way a 12 yo girl would know how. When shit got tough here, she reverted to learned behaviors. Still on her. I might understand better why, but not how.
I'm struggling with the acceptance also. I can *taste* it. I *feel* it, I *see* it. That last step is a bitch. Honestly, scared.
knockeddown, I'm glad you didn't brother. As usual, jj has the answer. Much more eloquently put than I could.
Sleeping the sleep of innocents is something no lottery could ever buy.
I'm still not sure that I regret doing that
Does Sand *know* that? After all the shit, you can still say that. Means a lot.
6 months out in R know I should leave well enough alone, WW answered questions but lied so much during process that I never felt I knew it all.
So she gets new cell phone. I grab old one, of course it's been sanitized. Spent some money and a lot of time getting to deleted messages, finally got there tonight and...virtually nothing I was looking for. Overwrote messages, just fragments left. Wish I had FBI on the case!
So now I will never know the whole truth. And that, for some reason I can't explain, hurts like hell.
James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'
So now I will never know the whole truth
Honestly, even if there was a way to know the whole truth, due to the lies, there would be doubts.
Can you live with that?
Who is she becoming. Can you live with who she is now?
Status - In D.
Do they ever tell 100% of the truth? Not sure most people ever figure out their truth let alone share it.
I have been triggering a bit lately after a setback last week. As a result I think I've backslid a bit and want Santa Claus to be real - I want to believe what I used to believe about trust and so much more. Need to get back to accepting what is in front of me this reality I live in was always my reality. My reality is good overall and I have a crap load of not so good to work through.
Anyone have one of Wal's epic pasta about writing your story? I think that's what I need to get back to.
it wasnt a nice anniversary.
i thought about her and her LTA EA/PA guy being together for at least part of the year that had passed since the last anniversary (D-day 1 was in june, she had broken it off with him a couple of weeks before and its very probable that she saw him and had some form of sexual act with him between the 21st and the date she broke it off with him and its definite that MY WIFE was "dating" some other guy than me while married to me).
i thought about her and her 2 ONS guys. they happened in oct 2011 and dec 2012. but in aug 2013, after D-day 1 (but while they were still secret) she STILL went to go see ONS 2 guy to get him to finish the work on her tattoo (but swears that nothing else happened - which i am inclined to believe because id never have found out about either ONS guy 1 or 2 if she hadnt told me). so that falls within this anniversary year too.
then, she stopped the sexting with everyone between april and may. but she didnt sever contact with them. many were still asking for pics from her, sending her very sexual texts and messages, etc. that happened during this anniversary year too.
so, lots of crap in a year to NOT celebrate. made a little more pleasant by the fact that we still get to continue discussing her affairs every other night for a few hours until the entire story is out (and there are so many plus so many peripheral people involved that we have been at it for awhile and the end is NOT in sight) so its not even like this stuff has been sorted but is instead a very day to day thing that is still very present in our lives.
naturally my mind wandered. is this something that im going to get hit with again in a few years? has this last year really been worth celebrating in any way shape or form?
my wife saw i was down and tried to cheer me up. she spent the evening with me telling me she was sorry, that she loves me, that she cant believe she fucked over me and our daughter for these losers, that she wishes she could go back in time, that she was so wrong, that shes working hard on fixing herself, that shes being completely honest/open/transparent, that she will do whatever it takes to make me feel safe with her, that she is committed to our marriage... etc. all of which i can see in day to day life with her.
but still ...
im a light drinker. i love the taste of beer but if i drink a whole one its because we are eating out and if im home i split one in half with my wife. on the anniversary night i drank about 8 shots and went to bed to sleep. then couldnt sleep because i couldnt take "the pill" that is supposed to help me to sleep because it cant be taken with alcohol. so i got to lay awake awhile and think about all this unpleasant crap.
sometimes life just sucks.
[This message edited by william at 5:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
i5))) - some wws are 100% truthful, in the sense that they are as truthful as they can be. From your tagline timeline, it's easy to get why you're prejudiced at the moment though
I remember a watershed moment in my healing was when I realized I knew enough. Never got the whole truth, but after all the abuse, I finally had enough.
kdown))) - You done good. I hope you were able to tell her "why", because any quality woman would value that. I hear their dang voices in the background all the time - the whole SI army of them - I think I hear...yeah, applause.
wrt writing your own story - that's a good one. Something I keep in mind. For me, it required the removing of distractions: teevee, radio, and the like. In short: silence.
Far from having to force those distractions away - I instead craved it, like a starving man. I don't know how to explain it (I keep trying though), but I had to find me, some essential core of me to be worth saving. To survive. I found to my surprise that I really like living inside. How did I manage to live so estranged from myself? Not well it turns out.
One thing that never troubled me, and I may be one of those anomalies...an 'outlier'...were comparisons to poser.
I'm trying hard to remember, because I want to be honest and not rah rah, but I can't recall any moments of being troubled.
Now it may be because I read Desiderata growing up. It may also be because I competed in sports against a brother that was 2yrs older than me (who was truly an athlete) - and would never "win" in any comparison. iow, I managed losing, but kept playing, competing, trying.
I could have been poser easily, so many opportunities, but I discarded that self. It would feel like the foot of godzilla constantly hovering over me. Just. Can't. Fine. Maybe I'm not "brave enough" to spit in God's face. Fine. I got plenty of problems to deal with, plenty of remorseful prayers to pray. Getting to the raw core of it in truth? - my mind says I was a poser, any time I held a wrong thought. Now that cuts close to the soul's bone. I'm telling it. I guard that stuff now. There's a beserker at the gate now. With a club. And a sword. And he will. Kick. My. Ass.
"in short, I was afraid"
That's why that brings me to fucking tears every time.
poser, in my mind, was automatically an insect, a 'troubled being', "that guy", the weasel, the coward, just everything "not me"...
I wish I could give it to you - to
'let not your heart be troubled' by it.
but our parent(s) raised us, gradually we had morals and values instilled in us and we began to understand the underlying concepts behind them, and we turned 5 or 6 or so ... and we outgrew the selfishness inherent in us all from birth and began to become "human".
evidently some never manage to outgrow it or become any more human, no matter how old they get.
What I meant was that she didn't cheat with the purpose of hurting me, our family or the kids. Yes, her actions were on purpose, but not the damage she had done. I think I'll never understand that, but I will now accept it as a part of our life. It's kind of sad... I totally understand what you mean by saying you are scared, I am also. The life I knew is shattered, I was living in illusions. Now I know that it wasn't true, and it's not only about my wife. If we'd divorce, I have no guarantee that the next women won't do the same to me, even if she believe that she's not that kind of person. My safest bet it my current wife, at least she's working to change herself.
It's kind of sad to think that way. At my wedding, "for better or worse" was more about disease (Like multiple sclerosis, cancer, etc.), finance, etc. Not about treason. This is why I find acceptance so hard right now.
I hope soon you get to where "you know enough" too.
Ask yourself...ask her -
"What are you doing to dig into your why, so that you may be a safe partner for me in the future?"
I'm a little concerned, because it all seems like some weird, off-the-charts psychic break, some kind of self-detached acting out of her foo issues. It's a massive load brother (there's your fortitude again), it almost seems schizo...
She has to come to understand what made her do such craziness - to ensure/assure you/insure you against
"breaking so badly" again.
Peace and strength to you william.
Brother william, I know you don't drink much and I can certainly relate to not sleeping. Last true real good night's sleep that I can remember that I had was in Oct. Don't feel like you have to pop a cork here but if you do I pretty much have anything your heart could desire.
It's Fri and it's open bar gents. I prefer what God drinks myself. I have quite the whiskey drinkollection. Scotch, bourbon, rye, wheat, buckwheat, Canadian, Irish, Japanese, moonshine. You name the whiskey and I got it. I have everything else too so I can whip up some cocktails. The only thing I seem to be out of at the moment is vodka. I have many fine beers too. So I suggest popping a cork and chucking it into the fireplace. Lets crush some bottles.
I mayself am a huge scotch fan. I'm going with a Mortlach 13yo. Just frisky enough to kickstart the weekend but refined enough to not get myself into trouble.
To william and SWAT. Thank you for your dedication, your service and all you have done for us.
To our absent friends. Although they are out of sight, we recognize them with our glasses.
There are good ships, and there are wood ships, The ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, And may they always be.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:21 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]
Wait. What's that I hear? Oh yeah.
About a million head nods.
You name the whiskey and I got it.
Hittin the road now gents. Be well!
Careful driving friend.
That said, while you're at Treds barrel......, that is if Tred doesn't mind
All you Menz who have or are serving, THANK-YOU!!!! Yep, Swat, Includes the Men in Blue too! All too often, it seems that people get caught up in the day off and forget the true meaning of Memorial Day. I haven't and won't. I also will make damn sure my kids don't either.
It's Friday Gentlemen. YOP is buying.
What I meant was that she didn't cheat with the purpose of hurting me, our family or the kids.
I got to disagree with this statement. At some point, the WW, will have to think of you, the kids and the families, and make the conscious decision to continue her actions.
Affairs don't just happen. No one just walks around and gets hit by the
First, I disagree with all the internet tripe that women have affairs for emotional clossness and men for sex. I suspect it is a little of both for each, and this victorian idea that women give up the sex only because they crave the closeness is crap. Their orgasms are probably better with a new person just like ours are. So the thrill of sex is always there too, and I think that hurts us quite a bit. I could deal with an EA much better than PA.
Second, I think one difference for men is that the onus of successful performance in sex is much higher for us. We can go too early or too late. A chubby asian massage therapist could rifle off Brad Pitt to orgasm in 2 minutes; women are much harder to please. Finally, their equipment is rarely an issue. Stage fright or size, either too big or too small, just isn't an issue. And they can fake it, we can't. The bottom line is, competition with AP in the sexual arena is very stressful for us, and the stress has negative effects on our performance too. Betrayed women may worry the AP thinner, etc, but those same body issues affect us as well, so that is a draw.
I think this is harder for men. I go to a BAN meeting, mostly women, and could never say this to them. But I think it's true. There is a "boys will be boys" understanding in polite female society; for the men, your wife is a slut.
And that makes it hurt more too.