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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 20
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um Mich - those look like they are still on the shelf mate.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KnockedDown:
IMHO there's a fine line between self blame and applying lessons learned for the "next one". Just make sure you understand the difference.
Agreed. I think a good litmus test for that kind of self-work is this: If I was never married to my wife, would I *still* believe this to be an area of opportunity?

If the answer is yes, cool. If the answer is no, even better, because you've saved yourself a shit ton of unnecessary work. The trick is to be honest with yourself and not try to convince yourself that her issues with you are your issues with yourself.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2085 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good stuff knockeddown. Just as you are not to blame for your wife's A, she is not to blame for you being less of a husband than you should be. Your crappiness as a H exists independently of her crappiness as a W. Sure, mediocrity and disconnection often breeds and encourages mediocrity and disconnection, but at the end of the day we all make choices about what kind of person we choose to be.

I don't think I was that bad of a husband pre-DDay, but I definitely became a lazy and indifferent one at times. D Day shocked us both into making major changes. My wife didn't want to be a disconnected, wayward wife. I didn't want to be a disconnected, career-driven husband anymore.

So I decided not to be. I also decided that my wife's transgressions meant that she needed to make some major changes if we were to stay married. So far she has made remarkable progress, and so have I. If she had not made remarkable progress, then I would have still been motivated to be a better man and husband. The difference is that the beneficiary would have been some unknown future woman we'll call Wife No. 2.

The fact that I'm becoming a much better husband for WW is solely due to my own desire to change for the better and her decision to get with the program. It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to please her, or keep her from straying again, or anything like that. I won't accept half-ass anymore. Not from her or me.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
knockeddown
♂ Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Sunsetslost, Sal1995, and Ascendant for the feedback.

I just purposefully sabotaged my RA. And fellas, this was a hard decision to make because she is seriously a 9.5/10. Every man wants to be with this woman and I turned her down.

I had it all planned out. I was going to take her out to dinner on Saturday night, go dancing, then she was going to stay with me overnight. She had already sent me some naughty pics and I told her some of the things that I would like to do with her. Slippery slope into RA mode. I forced myself to consult with many of my friends and my IC about the situation to be able to come to my own conclusion. I have been an impulsive person in the past and this time I had to put the brakes on something that would have just left me feeling empty.

I am not perfect, nor to I plan to be, but I will certainly live by my morals, damnit!


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Separated - living apart

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo knockeddown! As much as all of us dream of a 9.5 or a 10, being able too look at yourself in the mirror means a lot more.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 269 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as all of us dream of a 9.5 or a 10

I don't. I was dreaming of a faithful wife who shared my interests, that I could have a fun life with, and enjoy getting old with. I know my wife had her "standards" when looking for her AP on Ashley Madison - she wanted the 9 or higher, tall, good looking, a mans man in looks. All the things I wasn't and can't be. And with the ratio of men to women on that site, she could afford to be selective. A guy with my physical characteristics wouldn't of even garnered a reply from her. So basically she was looking for someone "worth" cheating on me with. That's kinda demoralizing if you think about it. And she got everything she was looking for and more, except for the being used as a surrogate blow up doll whose only value to the AP was giving head and running to satisfy him whenever he called because he was so amazing.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So basically she was looking for someone "worth" cheating on me with. That's kinda demoralizing if you think about it.

Tred I think a lot of BM go through the “demoralizing” crap in one way or another. In my case the POSER had some things in common with me (like a lot – he was a friend) but was much more gregarious and liked at a superficial level by many. For a while I tried to buy into the “it’s not your fault” and “POSER is not half the man you are” rah rah rah (at least that’s how I perceived it) that everyone uses to help get through this. As time passes the logical part of my brain is finally catching up. He was not better, he was different. In those few ways I locked in on (gregarious and outgoing) he was different in a way that I thought was better. It is not better, it is different. Better is in the eye of the beholder. I doubt there are two people in a relationship anywhere where there is not something about their partner they don’t see “better” in someone else. Hell my wife is not hard on the eyes but I’ve met plenty of women who showed some interest that were better looking. It’s the entire package that matters. There’s an awful lot in my “package” that I am good with and a few I am not. There will always be room for improvement and there will always be some things I like but will never be. Comparing me to someone else though is just a waste of time. I’m sure my W did that some but that is her problem not mine.
Throwing out the judgmental thought process, POSER does not live life the way I want to live life. He does not value what I value. I don’t want to be with someone who want’s someone like POSER. This morning I was just thinking about the judgmental aspects of all of this and the morality we assign to sex. I was never the kid in college that thought FWB was a good thing for me. I never persued a FWB or casual dating relationship. That is me, it is who I am. The rainbow of behaviors between abstinence and complete sexual deviancy is large and we all have a line on that rainbow where we deem it is OK territory for ourselves. For me, sex outside a committed relationship with someone who had the potential to become my W was not something I wanted. There are a ton of people who I immensely respect that do not share this view. What they have in common is they believe in and practice honesty.


I don't. I was dreaming of a faithful wife who shared my interests, that I could have a fun life with, and enjoy getting old with.

Same here Tred. My W was looking for the same thing and that’s why she married me. She really fucked it all up and is working her ass off to help right the ship.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing as we're talking comparisons, I met POSER a couple of years ago at one of WW's work things (he was her boss). To be perfectly honest, and I don't mean this to sound conceited in any way, I would have bet my next two paychecks that the guy was more interested in me than in WW after that meeting. He all but grabbed my ass at one point.

Taller than me? Sure. By about two or three inches. I'm 5'10.

Older? Yep. By about twelve years. Which makes him about 20 years older than WW.

In good shape? Not bad, I suppose. I could have been in better shape, but I was working on it.

Richer/ better off? Sure. But that didn't bother me because I'd taken the hit involved in moving from one country to another and knew that I'd make up the ground at some point.

Married? Nope. Guy's in his early fifties, never married. I married an 11 on the 1-10 scale. no shit.

Did I see him as a threat? Not even close.

So now, am I thinking to myself 'What did he have that I don't?' Honestly? No, no I'm not.

WW decided to do what she did for reasons that come across as complete and utter bullshit to me. It turns out that when she went to POSER and told him that she was pregnant, he told her to get rid of it. So, a guy who'll mess with a married woman, but won't step up and handle his responsibilities when there are going to be living, breathing consequences.

In other words, a fucking coward. And she's a coward too, because I gave her a shot after everything that happened and the first time I got annoyed she bailed.

He's welcome to her. And she's welcome to him. They deserve each other.



Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t want to be with someone who want’s someone like POSER.

And 'AMEN' to this.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 4:09 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So basically she was looking for someone "worth" cheating on me with. That's kinda demoralizing if you think about it.

Damn, her approach seems ice cold.

She should feel demoralized. Here's the part that drives that home for me:

being used as a surrogate blow up doll whose only value to the AP was giving head and running to satisfy him whenever he called because he was so amazing

What's demoralizing is that an arrangement like that actually appealed to her.

Let's count up the score: you were both amazing enough to screw, so that's a draw. But you were amazing enough to marry, have kids with, and reconcile with. You may be lacking in the 6'3" frame dept. but must have a few things going for you if she's willing to do all of that.

It's not your fault she decided to become a cheater, bro. No more than it's a kid's fault that her old man ran off with a cocktail waitress and didn't find her worthy of his time and financial support any more (my wife's story).

It's 100% on them. Hell, there's always someone younger, better looking, smarter, richer, more athletic, better at dancing, luckier, handier around the house, whatever. But that goes for our wives, too. WTF does any of that have to do with honesty, integrity and commitment?

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:01 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOL and Sal - thanks mates. Good advice, and stuff that I know. But the triggers still get to me and I go all native and barbaric. Need to post a sticky on the monitor that says DPWT. (Don't post while triggering ).

Great advice BTW FOL. I'm on the other end of that rainbow, but it was still serial monogamy, just with the understanding that, well, was about it. I was out of M#1, done with it. She cheated on me. I was young. D and never looked back. Had a lot of fun relationships because I was up front with the "I'm not the marrying kind". Met my wife one night in some weird circumstances, and she asked for my phone number. Normally, wouldn't of given it out. But I did. I'm still not sure that I regret doing that


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need to post a sticky on the monitor that says DPWT.

Eff that... that's the best time to post!

Seriously, some of the most raw stuff I have put out here when I was triggering. Stuff I normally probably wouldn't have typed here. But... it needed to come out. It's all good.


Posts: 7111 | Registered: Dec 2010
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Menz,

Just wanted to give some news, if some of you still remember me. Last time I wrote in here was because I was feeling dizziness and numbness. My doctor was saying it was anxiety because of my fWW A, and gave my medication for it.

However, things got worse, and worse. When I was admitted in the hospital, I was in a wheelchair, lost the vision of my left eye and couldn't use both of my hands. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and stayed for 9 days at the hospital. My wife took care of me and the kids, and said that she would be there for me.

My wife is feeling a lot of guilt, even if the neurologist say that it has nothing to do with her A. She's sure it is a consequence of what she did. As for me, I don't see those things related at all, it is just a big and bad coincidence (I will ad that to the big pile of crappy past two years).

My overall health is going better, I have treatments for my multiple sclerosis, and I am going back to work next Monday. Healthwise, everything is almost back to normal. You wouldn't notice I'm sick if you would see me.

Being at home alone for several weeks gave me a lot of time to think however. My wedding ring is back on my finger, I don't feel anger as I once felt. However, her A made me realize that the person you trust the most can hurt you and forget you. She didn't cheat on purpose, it was her problems she was trying to escape, but still, I realize I won't trust her (or anyone else) the way I once did. I would say that things taste... different. I almost stopped IC as we are putting most of our efforts on her IC and found a new MC (A great one by the way).

Any of you guy's have this feeling of "acceptance" about your fWW?


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Losfer. Sometimes it has to come out, raw and inarticulate, just to exorcise that demon for now. He'll be back, they always do come back. I'm getting stronger, he's getting weaker. Probably won't ever be a triumphant victory, but hopefully it'll eventually just be somewhat less than a skirmish.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm moving towards acceptance greengiant, because the facts are the facts and they're never going to get better (and with TT, there's always a chance they might get worse...if that's even possible anymore). I agree, I'll never trust 100% again. Putting complete trust in a human being, maybe even in ourselves, is a recipe for disappointment.

Man, sorry to hear about your diagnosis but it sounds like you are doing well now and have a great attitude about the whole thing. Best of luck with your treatment.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, Tred. I triggered a couple of times this week, and it was really nothing more than a temporary annoyance. Definitely a sign of healing and progress, I think.

Any of you guy's have this feeling of "acceptance" about your fWW?

Absolutely, greengiant. Good to see you, by the way! Over the last few years, acceptance has grown to be more important to me than the concept of forgiveness. It's like I am accepting my wife for who she is now, despite the things that she has done, and I want to be with her because I still love her, and she is continuing to work on herself to ensure she'll never betray me or herself again. Sorry for the long sentence there, but I don't know of any way to chop that down any further.

Glad to hear your health is getting better. It sounds like you really do have a good game plan set in place with the counseling that is customized to your and your wife's situation. I think that's great.


Posts: 7111 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the last few years, acceptance has grown to be more important to me than the concept of forgiveness. It's like I am accepting my wife for who she is now, despite the things that she has done, and I want to be with her because I still love her, and she is continuing to work on herself to ensure she'll never betray me or herself again.

X2


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred))) brother, beat his ass. Funny thing about all this - when it's going on, before we had a clue, there's a feeling of being behind it all. Out of the loop. (For dam good reason in hindsight derr!)
Now? Just realize you're easily two steps ahead. You got this. You recovered, in the sense of at least "catching" the ball. You GOT this. (& btw, great catch amigo)
Half napping, you're way ahead of dick-wetted playuhs. FTN.
To those who believe thigh-lyin wet limp dicks is some sign of victory - I got news for ya.
You don't read here, so I won't tell it all, just, sorry. You gonna die. Endless dreamless sleep forever. It's all just, afterall.
Could you say you enjoy dreamless sleep?
hm. Maybe. I enjoy its results.

Sleeping the sleep of innocents is something no lottery could ever buy.

I'm so sorry gg you been bitten by that bug. peace and STRENGTH to you!
this:

She didn't cheat on purpose

is not the truth, I'm sorry.
Death before dishonor brother.

Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll never trust 100% again. Putting complete trust in a human being, maybe even in ourselves, is a recipe for disappointment.

Nope Sal. Maybe that's your disgust at broken picker speaking right there but no and no and hell no.
Always my brother, always
trust yer gut.
Listen to yourself my brother.
ALWAYS
trust yourself.
You may be a broken lost stupid motherfucker, but are you here/ looking back? trying to fix shit?
Boom!
That's a man.
A worker.
In my book.

Find the place where you turned a blind ear to guts rumbling, and begin your healin there.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guy's, it feels good to see other are feeling the same way. As for my diagnosis, the whole Affair thing kind of prepared me in some kind of way. When I had my diagnosis, I had done a lot of IC so I used what I learned to get through this.

Jjct, what I meant was more that "she didn't cheat with the purpose to hurt me" instead of "She didn't cheat on purpose". Cheating doesn't happen by accident, so therefore she did that on purpose. However, she haven't done this with the objective to hurt me, our marriage and our kids.

Sorry for the bad phrase, sometime I should read myself before posting!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
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