IMHO there's a fine line between self blame and applying lessons learned for the "next one". Just make sure you understand the difference.
If the answer is yes, cool. If the answer is no, even better, because you've saved yourself a shit ton of unnecessary work. The trick is to be honest with yourself and not try to convince yourself that her issues with you are your issues with yourself.
I don't think I was that bad of a husband pre-DDay, but I definitely became a lazy and indifferent one at times. D Day shocked us both into making major changes. My wife didn't want to be a disconnected, wayward wife. I didn't want to be a disconnected, career-driven husband anymore.
So I decided not to be. I also decided that my wife's transgressions meant that she needed to make some major changes if we were to stay married. So far she has made remarkable progress, and so have I. If she had not made remarkable progress, then I would have still been motivated to be a better man and husband. The difference is that the beneficiary would have been some unknown future woman we'll call Wife No. 2.
The fact that I'm becoming a much better husband for WW is solely due to my own desire to change for the better and her decision to get with the program. It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to please her, or keep her from straying again, or anything like that. I won't accept half-ass anymore. Not from her or me.
I just purposefully sabotaged my RA. And fellas, this was a hard decision to make because she is seriously a 9.5/10. Every man wants to be with this woman and I turned her down.
I had it all planned out. I was going to take her out to dinner on Saturday night, go dancing, then she was going to stay with me overnight. She had already sent me some naughty pics and I told her some of the things that I would like to do with her. Slippery slope into RA mode. I forced myself to consult with many of my friends and my IC about the situation to be able to come to my own conclusion. I have been an impulsive person in the past and this time I had to put the brakes on something that would have just left me feeling empty.
I am not perfect, nor to I plan to be, but I will certainly live by my morals, damnit!
"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
As much as all of us dream of a 9.5 or a 10
So basically she was looking for someone "worth" cheating on me with. That's kinda demoralizing if you think about it.
Tred I think a lot of BM go through the “demoralizing” crap in one way or another. In my case the POSER had some things in common with me (like a lot – he was a friend) but was much more gregarious and liked at a superficial level by many. For a while I tried to buy into the “it’s not your fault” and “POSER is not half the man you are” rah rah rah (at least that’s how I perceived it) that everyone uses to help get through this. As time passes the logical part of my brain is finally catching up. He was not better, he was different. In those few ways I locked in on (gregarious and outgoing) he was different in a way that I thought was better. It is not better, it is different. Better is in the eye of the beholder. I doubt there are two people in a relationship anywhere where there is not something about their partner they don’t see “better” in someone else. Hell my wife is not hard on the eyes but I’ve met plenty of women who showed some interest that were better looking. It’s the entire package that matters. There’s an awful lot in my “package” that I am good with and a few I am not. There will always be room for improvement and there will always be some things I like but will never be. Comparing me to someone else though is just a waste of time. I’m sure my W did that some but that is her problem not mine.
Throwing out the judgmental thought process, POSER does not live life the way I want to live life. He does not value what I value. I don’t want to be with someone who want’s someone like POSER. This morning I was just thinking about the judgmental aspects of all of this and the morality we assign to sex. I was never the kid in college that thought FWB was a good thing for me. I never persued a FWB or casual dating relationship. That is me, it is who I am. The rainbow of behaviors between abstinence and complete sexual deviancy is large and we all have a line on that rainbow where we deem it is OK territory for ourselves. For me, sex outside a committed relationship with someone who had the potential to become my W was not something I wanted. There are a ton of people who I immensely respect that do not share this view. What they have in common is they believe in and practice honesty.
I don't. I was dreaming of a faithful wife who shared my interests, that I could have a fun life with, and enjoy getting old with.
Same here Tred. My W was looking for the same thing and that’s why she married me. She really fucked it all up and is working her ass off to help right the ship.
Taller than me? Sure. By about two or three inches. I'm 5'10.
Older? Yep. By about twelve years. Which makes him about 20 years older than WW.
In good shape? Not bad, I suppose. I could have been in better shape, but I was working on it.
Richer/ better off? Sure. But that didn't bother me because I'd taken the hit involved in moving from one country to another and knew that I'd make up the ground at some point.
Married? Nope. Guy's in his early fifties, never married. I married an 11 on the 1-10 scale. no shit.
Did I see him as a threat? Not even close.
So now, am I thinking to myself 'What did he have that I don't?' Honestly? No, no I'm not.
WW decided to do what she did for reasons that come across as complete and utter bullshit to me. It turns out that when she went to POSER and told him that she was pregnant, he told her to get rid of it. So, a guy who'll mess with a married woman, but won't step up and handle his responsibilities when there are going to be living, breathing consequences.
In other words, a fucking coward. And she's a coward too, because I gave her a shot after everything that happened and the first time I got annoyed she bailed.
He's welcome to her. And she's welcome to him. They deserve each other.
Married - 2008
PA with boss for 5 months in 2013
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
At this stage, I'm basically bulletproof.
I don’t want to be with someone who want’s someone like POSER.
And 'AMEN' to this.
[This message edited by Forged1 at 4:09 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
Damn, her approach seems ice cold.
She should feel demoralized. Here's the part that drives that home for me:
being used as a surrogate blow up doll whose only value to the AP was giving head and running to satisfy him whenever he called because he was so amazing
What's demoralizing is that an arrangement like that actually appealed to her.
Let's count up the score: you were both amazing enough to screw, so that's a draw. But you were amazing enough to marry, have kids with, and reconcile with. You may be lacking in the 6'3" frame dept. but must have a few things going for you if she's willing to do all of that.
It's not your fault she decided to become a cheater, bro. No more than it's a kid's fault that her old man ran off with a cocktail waitress and didn't find her worthy of his time and financial support any more (my wife's story).
It's 100% on them. Hell, there's always someone younger, better looking, smarter, richer, more athletic, better at dancing, luckier, handier around the house, whatever. But that goes for our wives, too. WTF does any of that have to do with honesty, integrity and commitment?
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:01 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]
Great advice BTW FOL. I'm on the other end of that rainbow, but it was still serial monogamy, just with the understanding that, well, was about it. I was out of M#1, done with it. She cheated on me. I was young. D and never looked back. Had a lot of fun relationships because I was up front with the "I'm not the marrying kind". Met my wife one night in some weird circumstances, and she asked for my phone number. Normally, wouldn't of given it out. But I did. I'm still not sure that I regret doing that
Need to post a sticky on the monitor that says DPWT.
Eff that... that's the best time to post!
Seriously, some of the most raw stuff I have put out here when I was triggering. Stuff I normally probably wouldn't have typed here. But... it needed to come out. It's all good.
Just wanted to give some news, if some of you still remember me. Last time I wrote in here was because I was feeling dizziness and numbness. My doctor was saying it was anxiety because of my fWW A, and gave my medication for it.
However, things got worse, and worse. When I was admitted in the hospital, I was in a wheelchair, lost the vision of my left eye and couldn't use both of my hands. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and stayed for 9 days at the hospital. My wife took care of me and the kids, and said that she would be there for me.
My wife is feeling a lot of guilt, even if the neurologist say that it has nothing to do with her A. She's sure it is a consequence of what she did. As for me, I don't see those things related at all, it is just a big and bad coincidence (I will ad that to the big pile of crappy past two years).
My overall health is going better, I have treatments for my multiple sclerosis, and I am going back to work next Monday. Healthwise, everything is almost back to normal. You wouldn't notice I'm sick if you would see me.
Being at home alone for several weeks gave me a lot of time to think however. My wedding ring is back on my finger, I don't feel anger as I once felt. However, her A made me realize that the person you trust the most can hurt you and forget you. She didn't cheat on purpose, it was her problems she was trying to escape, but still, I realize I won't trust her (or anyone else) the way I once did. I would say that things taste... different. I almost stopped IC as we are putting most of our efforts on her IC and found a new MC (A great one by the way).
Any of you guy's have this feeling of "acceptance" about your fWW?
Man, sorry to hear about your diagnosis but it sounds like you are doing well now and have a great attitude about the whole thing. Best of luck with your treatment.
Absolutely, greengiant. Good to see you, by the way! Over the last few years, acceptance has grown to be more important to me than the concept of forgiveness. It's like I am accepting my wife for who she is now, despite the things that she has done, and I want to be with her because I still love her, and she is continuing to work on herself to ensure she'll never betray me or herself again. Sorry for the long sentence there, but I don't know of any way to chop that down any further.
Glad to hear your health is getting better. It sounds like you really do have a good game plan set in place with the counseling that is customized to your and your wife's situation. I think that's great.
Over the last few years, acceptance has grown to be more important to me than the concept of forgiveness. It's like I am accepting my wife for who she is now, despite the things that she has done, and I want to be with her because I still love her, and she is continuing to work on herself to ensure she'll never betray me or herself again.
Sleeping the sleep of innocents is something no lottery could ever buy.
I'm so sorry gg you been bitten by that bug. peace and STRENGTH to you!
She didn't cheat on purpose
Nope Sal. Maybe that's your disgust at broken picker speaking right there but no and no and hell no.
Always my brother, always
trust yer gut.
Listen to yourself my brother.
You may be a broken lost stupid motherfucker, but are you here/ looking back? trying to fix shit?
That's a man.
In my book.
Find the place where you turned a blind ear to guts rumbling, and begin your healin there.
Jjct, what I meant was more that "she didn't cheat with the purpose to hurt me" instead of "She didn't cheat on purpose". Cheating doesn't happen by accident, so therefore she did that on purpose. However, she haven't done this with the objective to hurt me, our marriage and our kids.
Sorry for the bad phrase, sometime I should read myself before posting!