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User Topic: why is it getting harder
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Sad  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a little over 2 weeks since my h left. Every day is getting harder. I miss him so much. I dream every night that he is home with me and everything is wonderful. Then I wake up to this nightmare. Why can't I be stronger. I am so afraid of myself that I can't even be home alone. I know he is flirting with other women. Possibly more than flirting and yet I still think we will be ok. He said he might have found a cheap place. My heart shattered when I heard that. Why can't he see how much I want to fix this. How hard I am willing to work? 7years we have Been together and he refuses to give me one chance. I just love him so much. :(

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the pain in your words and I am SO very sorry. Two weeks from my own DDay I was so depressed that I was taking days off work each week because I could not function.

I suggest that you focus less on how much you love him and focus a little on loving YOU right now. Are you eating? Sleeping? Leaving the house to get sun annd fresh air? Are you talking to a sympathetic listener, like a counselor or a friend? Are you doing little things for yourself: more coffee shop treats or new shoes or hot baths? And have you read everything you can in The Healing Library on this site? Please do...

If he is still flirting -- or more -- after seeing how much pain it causes you, then he is NOT worth your time and effort.

I know how much it hurts, RunningonE.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. It is a nightmare in the very beginning. I don't even remember the early days after my ex left. It was such a blur and nothing, nothing made my sadness go away. I missed him so much; I never knew that emotional pain could be so intense.

I can tell you that it gets better. Slowly, but it gets better.

There are a few things that can help, even if for short periods of time at the outset: IC; being with very close family/friends; exercise; funny movies; shopping; pets; reading on SI and anything else that peaks your interest. Try to sleep when you're tired; eat and drink, if only a little bit every day. If you need medication for depression or anxiety, ask for it. Reach out and ask for help. This is a horrible trauma and one that you shouldn't have to endure alone.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but try your very best to go NC with him. I don't know your story, but if you're married, see a lawyer just to get a sense of your rights. If you have children, only communicate with him by text or email and only about the kids. NC will help you get some clarity and start the very beginning of the healing phase.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. 2 weeks is not a lot of time at all. It will get better.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2810 | Registered: Jan 2011
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I'm trying to stay distracted. I have been spending a lot of time with family. I can't be home alone. I only go home to sleep and so the kids can be home for a bit. I think the eating is the hardest part... I hardly eat and when I do it's because my mother is nagging me to. :( I will never understand how someone you live so much can just stop loving you and move on so quickly. :( I just want the nightmare to stop and live in my dreams because there I'm happy:( ugh

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been where you are and I know how hard it can be. My WS (though I didn't know about his cheating when he left) just came home one day and told me he didn't want to be married any longer. He wanted to live on his own. I was devastated. Totally devastated. I lost 25 lbs in 11 weeks and wanted to die. Just before Christmas, my lawyer suggested I see a counsellor. I did. I don't know if I would have made it through Christmas if I hadn't see one. It helped because he assured me that I would survive. He assured me that it wasn't my fault. He assured me that things would get better. I know you have seeing a counsellor, but I (no make that WE - all 40,000+) are telling you that you will get through this. Unfortunately, it will get harder before it will get betters. But I promise you, it will get better. (((Hugs)))

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I just can't get over him. It kills me to think what he is doin on this Friday night... or who he is doing it with.... I.just keep thinking about all the good time and now he is gone. I think about him 24/7. I just want to wAke up from this nightmare. Today I felt okay. But then I just lost myself again. :( I just wish he were here with me.

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so alone :(

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Running,

The aloneness is so hard. Are you seeing an IC? This was imperative for me. I also talked to my sister on the phone almost everyday. She was safe. I had a couple coworker friends who had been thru it and supported me. I will never forget what they did for me and how grateful I was and still am.

I also worked extra which helped alot the whole first year. I was parttime basically (very very busy stressful job even parttime) so I could add an extra day a week. Kept me away from my house of memories and aloneness.


I continued going for walks outside everyday.

I also had my elderly blind deaf dog who required serious caregiving.

Please make sure you're eating, drinking calorie liquids like ensure or boost everyday to prevent weight loss. And drink plenty of water and other fluids.

There were plenty of people I didn't or don't share with. Some just are not safe.

You're so early in this process. It will get better. Every moment you find yourself not thinking of "it" or ws, revel in it for at least that moment. Then there'll be more and more and longer moments.

By the way, this is true abandonment what you're experiencing. The suddenness of all of this causes PTSD like feelings, symptoms. IC can really help and stay posting and reading here. Lots of support. Have you read the healing library in the yellow box?

Hugs and more hugs.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:55 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Apr 2011
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to stay away from home ad much as I can. But unfortunately I only have my parents. I feel sometimes that I'm over there too much. I feel bad. I should be able to feel comfortable in my home with my kids but I don't. :( I just can't cope. I try to convince myself he is just at work but it's not working. Because I know. And I break down. I am seeing an ic. But it only helps so much. I am so broken... I want just one chance.

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetheart, I truly understand how hurt you are. All of us here have felt what you are feeling. Yes, it feels excruciating and you feel like you can't go on, but I'm going to give you a Nerf 2x4.

You are an adult woman and mother. You have value and you have worth. Value and worth are not dependent on a man, and I don't think you realize that yet.

Before you "fix" a relationship, you have to "fix" yourself. The first step is to realize that you should never make someone responsible for your happiness. YOU are responsible for your happiness. It's up to you to make your own life by focusing on being a good mother and a good person.

He is unreliable. He may never come back and to hope that he will is futile. Direct that hope toward making a life for yourself and children.

He has abandoned you and your children. If he is not sending you child support, see a lawyer and have him draw up what is necessary to insure your children are taken care of financially.

If he should call or contact you, do not plead, cry, whine, or beg him to come back to you. Behave like a grown, strong, responsible, self sufficient woman...even if you don't feel this way.

Now, read this next sentence very carefully.
We can often change how we feel by how we behave.



Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
RunningonE
♀ New Member
Member # 43347
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I not plead and beg. I feel okay instill I see him. I love him so much and I break down when I see him and I loose myself when he is here.I have never felt So low and pathetic. I just miss him so much

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2014
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I not plead and beg. I feel okay instill I see him. I love him so much and I break down when I see him and I loose myself when he is here.I have never felt So low and pathetic.

And do you think he will find this attractive? Do you think this will make him admire and want to be with you?

Re-read the last sentence of my previous post.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
hopelesslydvoted
♀ New Member
Member # 42573
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one2ndchance is right. This may sound a bit straight forward, but the best thing you can do is fix you. I think a lot of us on here have that fixer characteristic. So stop trying to fix something, that is not time to fix. Not saying it's not able to be fixed, just saying it's not time for that; you need to fix you first.

It's hard and there are plenty of distractions from you accomplishing this, but ignore the distractions of thoughts about him as best as possible. Eat, because you are only hurting yourself by not doing so. And, you hurting yourself is selfish, because only pisses off the people that really care about you at this moment. (he's not noticing, but your friends and family are.)

I'm in class right now to get a new degree, my situation has fu*ked with my head,terribly. I'll be reading and 3 pages later... what the hell did I read? So, what do I do? Do I put the book down and think of how much it hurts and I miss him? No, I re-read. Because, I have to make myself a better person. He doesn't make me who I am, his job was to enhance my life, our life. He doesn't want that job right now. That's ok.

You should really read the 180 in the healing library. You want a challenge?, follow those rules to a Tee. You'll be stronger from them.

Btw, it's not so bad with him not in the house, it makes it easier to let go of the wondering. My WH is still under the same roof. I have the awful pleasure of knowing when he's coming and going.

Best of luck to you, but you are stronger than you think or feel. (hugs)


Posts: 46 | Registered: Feb 2014
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how you're feeling as my WH did the very same thing to me. Came home one night, told me he was having an A, has "fallen in love" and left me the same night. Never gave me a chance to even try to save "us". He hasn't been back since. Yes, the first few weeks are HARD and you have every right to feel like you're feeling, but like everyone else is saying, you do have to start focusing on YOU. Read the 180 and try your very best to start implementing it. I'm now a little over 2 months since dday and I'm getting stronger each day. You are going to have up days and down days, but that is okay. If you continue to have more down days than up, you might want to consider going to your doctor and talk about anti-depressants to help you get through this. I finally did that and I can tell it's helping me. While there are still days I absolutely cannot fathom what he's done to me and our life, I've come to the realization that the only thing I have control over right now (and always) is ME.

You can do this and you will!!! Believe me, you ARE stronger than you give yourself credit for. Time really does help the healing. Keep posting here. We're all here for you!!


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I not plead and beg.

You get pissed about what he has done and you strap on your bitch boots. You get pissed off that you are a good person who is willing to work on the marriage and is getting the brush-off from a douchebag.

He does NOT deserve you.....

And P.S.

he refuses to give me one chance

HE is the one who needs to be *asking* for a chance to save the relationship. NOT you.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been getting excellent advice from all of these folks posting. We ALL know what this pain feels like. It is unbearable, but we also know that you can not make someone love you. In fact, the harder you try, the less likely a good result will be. That is just the truth. The weaker you look and act and sound, the less likely it is that he will ever get his head out of his ass.

Strength is the only card that is left for you to play. You need to see an attorney and figure out what your options are and get your financial house in order. You have got to assume at this point that you will be doing this on your own and do the best you can for your kids. Start a really hard 180 and only talk to him about the kids or finances.

This is the only advice we can give you but we can give you love and support every step of the way. As one of our posters said long ago, "It is is time to get your bitch boots on."


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 16

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