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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgot the crickets
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ds6 took part in a talent show at school last night. It went on really late and so both my boys were up late.

ds6 has worked so hard on his entry. He thought it up himself, chose the music, worked hard at it. The school sent out emails and a letter (which went out the day The Arse picks him up from school) explaining how to buy a ticket. The Arse didn't bother. I have no idea why.

A couple of days ago ds6 asked me heartbreakingly if I couldn't get a babysitter for ds4 and let The Arse have ds4's ticket instead. That was when I first realised The Arse wasn't going to come. I had to reply that I didn't know if The Arse was coming or not, but that both ds4 and I really wanted to be there. Ds6 then said he didn't think The Arse bought a ticket, couldn't I just give ds4's ticket to him? I said that The Arse had the choice to get a ticket and then just repeated what I'd said before.

So ds4 and and I went. The Arse wasn't there. Ds6 was great and I was so proud of him!

So, today, The Arse comes to pick up ds4 before going to get ds6 from school. I decided to warn him that the boys were tired because of the late night at the talent show. So then he asked me "How did it go?"

Can anyone give me advice on what to say to this (in front of the kids) in future (I'm sure there will be more of these!)?

Because I forgot the crickets and said: "You'd know if you'd been there"

Also, I took video of ds6 with my phone. No way do I want The Arse to have that, but ds6 knows about it. Any ideas for replies if ds6 asks me to give it to The Arse, or if The Arse asks for it in front of the boys?

[This message edited by Softcentre at 9:56 AM, May 16th, 2014 (Friday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know your ex is an ass who could have been there if he'd chosen to. But your son really wants him to see the performance so if your son asks you to give Dad a copy of the video, I'd give him one. Not for the "Arse", for your son.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3924 | Registered: Sep 2005
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only reason I don't want to, is that The Arse keeps trying to put me in back in the co-dependency cycle. If I just let him have video when he doesn't bother to turn up, I'm feeding that, aren't I?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not IMHO, because you're doing something for your child's well-being, not for the Arse. Intent matters, in this case.


Me: BS 46
Him: LCB--lying, cheating bastard 50
D-Day 4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 512 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
GingerAle
♀ Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely do it for your son. I understand your frustration, I really do. But your kids are too young to understand that dad should know better and do better. So just give him the video for that proud little boy of yours!


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 392 | Registered: Nov 2011
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not have given him the ticket.

However, I would have told the arse that it went really well and left it at that.

I agree that you have to force them to be parents all by themselves. Getting him a ticket just makes you his secretary. If its not this it will be something else that he repeatedly disappoints the kids about. Buying this one ticket isn't going to prevent the disappointment. It just changes the date it happens.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8404 | Registered: Apr 2008
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with sharing the video if you are asked. I made the co-dependent mistake of still "taking care" of ex the first year we were divorced, so I understand where you are coming from, but there is a difference between accommodating your SON'S wishes and enabling ex.

Now I never include ex as a rule, but if one of my kids ask me to pass on something (picture, video, etc) that I have that he misses, I readily do it. I will send it with just a short "child requested I share this with you" and leave it at that.


Me: 39
3 children ages 9, 11 and 13
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man: 5/12/12

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jun 2010
beingmiranda
♀ Member
Member # 32519
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It went really well. Sorry you missed DS's awesome performance!"

Then smile and walk away.


Me: now 38
Him: up and left for OW
OW: old maid mid thirties with biological clock ticking, desparate for a man.
Divorced the cheater - 8/2011
Married the most AMAZING man - 10/2013

Posts: 783 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: NJ
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so if ds6 asks me to send it to The Arse, I will. Thanks, just didn't want to get back into the old cycle.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ds6)))) Stupid Arse.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24350 | Registered: Aug 2011
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are little and I have plenty of instances where I have caught myself having to distinguish a choice to participate vs. choice to love...

I have to deal with a doucheEX similar to yours, I am sorry it is very hard. I try very very hard to watch my wording when it comes to my kids, I work hard when it comes to using the word "CHOICE" because whenever I use "it is your dad's choice to X,Y,Z.." and since EX FAILS every single time- it dissappoints our kids and puts the ONUS on them.

We make the love a parent is supposed to feel for their kids a CHOICE and when they don't come through, it makes the child feel like their parent chooses not to love them, therefore something is wrong with them.

My dad choose not to attend because I am not important enough= unloveable.

We don't need to reinforce that, we need to counter that with pointing out that although choice to ACT a certain way does not mean it isn't felt.

I struggle with this often and try and use examples with my kids when they are upset at loved ones, me, siblings or even his own dad, i remind him that although XXX made a choice to do (something mean/not nice/did not call/attend) it doesn't change that they do care/love them.

I remind him that even though sometimes Dad doesn't do everything DS/DD would like, it doesn't mean he doesn't love them, it just means he doesn't know how to show it or that Dad never knew what it was like to be a parent so he might make some mistakes but that it has nothing to do with them.

I find I am continually trying to build their confidence up and remind them that people show affection/love in different ways and that doesn't mean that THEY are the ones that aren't worthy.

At times, it seems I am excusing the douchebag behavior but I believe that right now that they are little they don't need to feel or deal with being rejected or fault themselves for their NPD dad, they will grow up and hopefully over time learn healthy ways of displaying emotions/feelings/ and what not.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

southsidecali. Hmm, thought provoking.

I'm divided on this. I want them to have good self esteem (obviously!) but it's also important that they know I won't lie to them or make excuses for The Arse. We keep saying, don't listen to their words, look at their actions...well my boys see that.

I feel like, if I say "Oh I'm sure he wanted to etc etc" that's a lie. And then they won't trust me with their feelings of disappointment because they'll see me rugsweeping and minimising their feelings. They'll be learning codependency from me, like I learnt it as a child.

I also don't want to do The Arse down to them. He's their dad, they love him and it's good that they do and know they're loved. But The Arse compartmentalises to such an extent that, I now realise, he relied on me to keep him engaged with the children during the work week. I don't do that anymore and so he just seems to block them out when he's not with them. This talent show happened during his working week...I think he put it away in a box & forgot there was a real little boy desperate to have his daddy there.

So how to walk that delicate line?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 12

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