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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need some 2x4's
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been beating myself up all week. Last Friday I broke the 180. She came to the house to get the rest of her stuff. Ok great right. But she also asked me if she could do a couple loads of laundry while she was there. I said OK. Stupid me. Now nothing bad happened. No arguments or anything but at one point she asked me to massage her back so I did. Idiot. It was actually a pleasant evening. BUT, the next day I felt like I was back to square one. Saturday was a terrible day for me emotionally.

Fast forward to Wednesday. She emails me and I reply because she has to get her car inspected and I was telling her to get it done so we could get her new sticker and registration. I break 180 again and ask if she knew what she wanted yet. Idiot. She tells me that we need to start doing things together and that she needs to fall in love with me again. Big red flag that I ignored. Idiot. So we set something up for last night since she owed me the car payment. We were sitting at dinner and I could barely look at her. And she said some things that really bothered me. Such as she started going to bars at night. She mentioned she started listening to NPR? She's never been into politics? And some other things that I can't think of right now.

The date lasted all of an hour cause I started rushing it along since I was very uncomfortable. I got home and stood in front of the mirror and actually slapped myself in the face a few times and cursed myself out for being so stupid. I know she's either A) seeing someone or B) on the prowl. My head has been saying to detach and D. For whatever reason my heart just won't catch up. Is it just cause I'm only 2 months out?

Anyway, I'm going to start over today on 180 and try to go no contact. Except for once a month to get the car payment until she refinances the car. I can see her life spiraling out of control. It hurts me but at the same time there is nothing I can do except let her hit rock bottom. And even then I can't even consider taking her back because she is still lying to me. Everything she says is a lie. Anyway, I know she is cake eating and I keep failing and letting her so bring out the 2x4's and knock hell out of me.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you've given yourself enough 2x4s, man. Have you considered making a list of the hurtful things she's done and the comments she's made? This has helped me in the past when my memory and my heart failed me. Sometimes it helps seeing it all in one place. Post it on the back of your front door as a reminder not to let her in (literally and metaphorically).

[This message edited by carnelian at 8:10 AM, May 16th (Friday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't thought of that. wonder if I can make it the wallpaper on my phone somehow. Might try to figure that out this weekend.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

email only. Other than that, NC!!! I'm about to step into this world as well but I'm already divorced.

Write yourself that list and keep it in your wallet


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be gentle with yourself friend. I was a hot mess at 2m out. Most if not all of us are.

She is cake eating and right now it soothes you. Don't forget she's had a lot more practice at this than you have. The difference now is that you know what she is up to.

She started detaching from you long before she first fucked around. They have a head start on us in detaching but not on healing.

I'm ashamed about lots of things I did in those first few months. But you know what? All of the mistakes I made led me to DONE. Yes it was the extraordinarily long and painful way and way more drama than needed but when I reached done it stuck.

Hope is a devil of a thing. It can paralyse you. It took many more punches in the gut like this before I woke out of my BS fog. Many more disappointments and screaming at myself in e mirror.

You don't need to turn on yourself. You need to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself the time and space to grieve this. Right now you're still in shock, grief and disbelief.

Please keep reading about the 180 and NC. Something will make it click for you.

Please know you won't always feel this way. When the anger phase hits you you'll struggle to contain your rage. Channel it into evicting this toxic woman from your heart and your mind.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SBB. I have a lot of projects around the house I need to get to this weekend. But I may just spend the days at the golf course. It soothes me and is my relaxation place. Where I don't think about her. Just trying to play well and drink some beers with friends.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with carnelian--you've given yourself plenty of 2x4s! It's hard to close the bakery, but you can do it.

(and NPR has great programs! Fresh Air and Car Talk are fantastic! just don't talk about them with your WW)


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, smack. Smack, smack!!! Feel better? Didn't think so. Shit, My XW had a POSER from the time she was 15. Married a guy(Poser still in the pic), divorced him. Found and married me(POSER still in pic) told me she married me for the CS. Fucked random guys while we were going through the D(POSER still there). I won custody at district court. She gets emergency ruling to force us to live together throughout the appeals process, fucks more random guys(POSER finally gone, her parents found out who he was at the trial....hated him). I won at the appeals level and she gets another emergency ruling to force me to live with her while we wait on the Supreme Court ruling. Yep, fucks more guys. I won again and could finally move out. Yay, done with the BITCH, right?

Well, two weeks after the final ruling and I'm out of the house, I get a call inviting me out to dinner as a *family*. I asked why and she reminded me that it was our 5th wedding anniversary.

Yea, I went .

It's a wild and wooly road brother. Sending strength. When the horse bucks you off.....


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2686 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this normal? So anytime I have to see her, about an hour beforehand, I start getting really anxious. My heart rate escalates and it's a little hard to breathe. It's almost like a panic attack. Anybody else ever get that?


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like anxiety. See if your doctor would be willing to give you some Ativan to help at specific moments. It helped me through the first few months, and now I only have some for court appearances.

My anxiety flares up because of a fight or flit response. I know the chances are high for conflict if I see her, something I want to flee from, thus the anxiety. The tension between those polar opposites.

Normal, and something that will eventually either become less pronounced, or ou will completely have evicted her from your life, so no need for the tension.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 649 | Registered: Aug 2013
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes we are polar opposites on the fight/flight. I fight and she flights.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
PolyGal
♀ Member
Member # 20396
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*hugs*

At two months out, I was still a mess too.

It's normal to feel anxiety if you have to see her. For me it would manifest as some weird sort of tummyache, like I was hungry, but not quite. I mistook it for hunger and gained a lot of weight before I figured out it was anxiety. Like I would be like "I just ate... why am I still hungry... guess it's time to eat again." Oops. And also the heart racing etc.

She's hoovering you, trying to make you feel good, and trying to make you feel jealous at the same time so you'll take leave of your senses and let her back in like she's some sort of hot commodity while she does whatever the hell she wants anyway. You're worth more than this. Hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself.

(also, NPR is a great station! I should listen to it more. Science Fridays!!)


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2008
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, man, I sooo miss Science Fridays. It used to be on during my lunch break. I'll have to see if they have a podcast!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she still in an active A with the OM?

Sounds to me that she is quite content to sit on that fence.

Please, don't be somebody's backup plan. You deserve much better.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3281 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sadcountryboy
♂ Member
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No she's not active with OM anymore. But she's probably going out trying to find someone or is already with somebody else. I don't care. I'm done. I just keep screwing up with the NC. Today makes day number 1 again.


Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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