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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Saw L, Crying
HoldFast
♀ New Member
Member # 43322
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw my L for the first time. Now I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot at work bawling and unable to go in. To make matters worse, after I (somehow) finish work for the day, I have to pick up autistic DS from my *in-law's* and deal with him until bedtime. And then get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

My L tells me I'll probably only get spousal support for 4 years. We've been married for 12, together 17. I make jack shit an hour. He has an affair, I offer R, we live together, A goes underground. He cheats, lies to my face, manipulates, gaslights, and I'm faithful. He's going to be fine financially (lawyer) and have this great life with his whore. I'll be destitute and alone. I feel so fucked. And it's all his fault!


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Holdfast

He's going to be fine financially (lawyer) and have this great life with his whore. I'll be destitute and alone. I feel so fucked. And it's all his fault!

His life is not going to be great. The universe has a way of working things out. It may not provide you with the immediate justice you desire, but it will get to him. Just focus on yourself right now. You are going to survive and things are going to improve. Just hang in there.

You are not fucked, You are free. It is his fault, and you are a better a person for it. If this is the type of person he is, you don't want to be anywhere near him when his life comes crashing down on him. You will not be destitute and alone. You will always have us. Don't allow him to have that power over you. He no longer controls any part of your life.

Repeat as often as you need to...

"I am free. I have control. I am responsible for myself and I will take care of everything I need. I am here for me and I'm not going anywhere."


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 760 | Registered: Dec 2013
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, such is life sometimes.

I would go see a second lawyer, most give a free to reasonable first consultation.

With an autistic DS, I would think CS would be fairly generous, so not all is lost.

You're right, life isn't fair. What you need to be is stronger for you and fr your son. You will get through this, we all will. Take one day at a time, reach out to anyone. Find a support group for parents of autistic children, typically a great source of strength and support.

((HoldFast))


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is stuck being him for the rest of his life. That is not great. At. All.

You will be fine.

Plus. You are living in probablys and maybes land. There is nothing set in stone. Don't get too stressed until you know for sure. Just start making plan a and plan b and plan c.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With an autistic DS, I would think CS would be fairly generous, so not all is lost.
Although it has no impact on the monthly CS amount (at least in my state - a kid is a kid is a kid), you may be able to extend CS past the age of 18. Ask your L about it. Also, be very clear about copays, therapies, and other "extras" that accumulate with a special needs kid. Make sure they are clearly mapped out in your settlement agreement as NOT being covered by CS. And also make sure the responsibility for those costs is spelled out clearly (split 50/50, split 70/30, whatever the "right" split might be in your case).

I know these days are difficult, honey. We're here. Lean on us. (((((HoldFast)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25389 | Registered: Aug 2011
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten some really good advice so I'll just leave you some more hugs (((HF)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Holdfast))))

It will be okay. You can find a way, and you will.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember you will get his Social Security too, if you do not remarry.

It will not be as bad as you are thinking. I know it is scary and really easy to do what I do which is "awful-ize" it.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2682 | Registered: Jan 2010
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HoldFast))

You have more rights than you think, please get a second opinion.

I have a part time position and STBXH makes a six figure salary. I received 7 years alimony (married almost 15 years)....plus Child support, plus half of his Roth IRA, 401K, etc...

You will get through this!


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk with another lawyer. There are MANY factors that influence spousal support. It is not always according to the formulas that lawyers use to estimate. Judges have discretionary power to increase it, if it's warranted.

The standard of living established while married, each partner's level of income and earning potential, non paid services like homemaking and childcare that were performed for the marriage, the sacrifices one partner makes so that the other can further his education or career...are all factors that can influence SS.

Then there is the matter of his practice if he is a partner in the firm. The practice can be valued and you may be entitled to a portion of it.

So dry those tears, honey. Find a lawyer who will go to the mat for you.

Oh...and make sure you petition for STBX to pay all attorney fees.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
HoldFast
♀ New Member
Member # 43322
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much! I really needed support today. You guys are amazing!

Once I finally got myself under control and went in to work,I started reading your comments...but stopped at Depressed Daddy because I was crying all over again. I've been treated like shit for so long it actually makes me cry when people are nice to me.

Seeing a lawyer made this whole situation even more real. And, what's worse, the L is one of those tell-it-like-it-is people who doesn't mince words no matter your fragile state of mind. She's also short and impatient and cut me off numerous times. But she comes very highly recommended. She's a shark. And I only got in to see her because she's a family friend of a friend. Now I somehow have to shit 5 grand to retain her.

There was so much good advice and encouragement (and hugs!) here I don't know where to begin.

Yes I am/will be free!! If that twatwaffle wants my life so bad, she can fucking have it! And I don't accept returns.

I AM living in "probablys and maybes land" right now. And, in general, I DO tend to "awful-ize" things. I need to work on this. (Love those fun terms, by the way)

Yes, CS should be generous, according to the L, and yes, it could possibly extend beyond DS 18th birthday (a long way off), depending.

I guess I was just having a pity party for myself.

And I DO want justice. I want that fucknugget to pay for breaking my heart and destroying my son's family.

How could he do this? Who is he???


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always remember, we are here for you. You are worth it. Stay strong!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 760 | Registered: Dec 2013
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been working on parenting plan for DD16. We did make some progress on that Part last week at mediation but since we couldn't agree on anything else- we don't really have a parenting plan. But we looked at CS until age 21 (could have been longer) and we added 50/50 pay for post high school training or vocational programs. And like NIK said- make sure you include therapies- speech, OT, ABA , social skills training- whatever is part or you anticipate being a part of his program.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, what's worse, the L is one of those tell-it-like-it-is people who doesn't mince words no matter your fragile state of mind. She's also short and impatient and cut me off numerous times. But she comes very highly recommended. She's a shark.

If she cut you off because you were going on and on about what a shit your STBX was or how broken your heart was, then she did you a favor. If she cut you off when you were asking for explanations re: CS and financial matters, then I'd think twice about hiring her.

Good Ls are busy people and sometimes they take on more clients than they can handle. That leaves some clients getting less than the L's full attention. I know this because by STBX is also a L.

I also have a busy shark representing me in my D. I once called his paralegal to ask a question and she mentioned they were really busy preparing for 2 upcoming court appearances. A couple of months later, I contact the office for an update on my court appearance and am told it will have to be rescheduled because my L had something else on his schedule.

WTF?!! I"M SUPPOSED to be on his schedule. I called him directly and politely told him how disappointed I was for the delay. I said I had expected to be divorced by the end of May.

He got the gist of my call and has really ramped things up. I considered dumping him and asking for what was left of my $10,000 retainer, but he's never been short, impatient, or cut me off. He knew he'd dropped the ball, knew I was pissed and is now making up for it.

Bottom line is...there are plenty of sharks in the water. Consider asking around for another recommendation and interviewing another one. Choose one that will listen to you, make you feel confident and respected, and one you feel comfortable with.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I finally got myself under control and went in to work,I started reading your comments...but stopped at Depressed Daddy because I was crying all over again. I've been treated like shit for so long it actually makes me cry when people are nice to me.

I totally get that. I'm about fifteen months out from leaving The Princess, and compliments can still make me cry (although not quite as often as they did). I used to regularly ask myself how fucked up must I be for this to be the case. The answer is pretty fucked up - but I'd been made that way by someone who just couldn't stand to be the craziest person in the room.


I guess I was just having a pity party for myself.

Just like with any other kind of party, partying non-stop is bad for you. A pity party once in a while is the kind of bender you need, and it tends to leave a fantastic hangover of the Fuck-yous in its wake. That's helping you heal a bit in these early stages, even if it doesn't much feel like it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1944 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 15

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