There are many SAHMs here who can encourage you about that, about how you shouldn't let that stop you from S/D if that's what you want.
But for now, you know the drill. 180 and just be. Focus on you. Take care of you and the little ones. Get yourself in a place where you feel stronger. What to do about your WH isn't something you have to decide today or tomorrow.
180 him like there's no tomorrow. I was ruthless. I didn't even know what 180 was really (I didn't find this site until 18 months after DDay). My fWH slept on the couch, (we didn't have a spare room), I didn't cook for him, only myself and our son. I didn't wash his clothes and only talked to him when I had to. I started looking for work in my hometown where my dd was attending college and where my ds was going to go in just 9 short months. Within a month, he was doing everything he could to help me. He went to IC, so did I. Then we were forced into an alliance when one of his OWs concocted a story of being pregnant. In a weird way, it helped us, to a point. We had to rely on each other to get Bunny B out of our lives.
Life can be so strange.
I am concerned that you aren't in IC. If you can't afford it, ask your family doc/obgyn for suggestions. They usually can point you in the direction of low to no cost services, for those who qualify. I feel bad that your WH feels counselling is not for "men". However, you can't fix him, he has to do the work. Fix you. Concentrate on you and your kids. Let him truly stand out in the cold, while you get the help and support you deserve. Maybe he'll see how much better you feel and wonder WTH? Rely on friends and family, if you can, to help in any way they can. I wish I would have had this option, however at the time all of my family lived over 6000 miles away. And my friends were all tied into my husband's career and I wasn't ready to out him that way. I probably would have tried to ruin his career if NC with the OWs didn't happen immediately. As luck would have it, he didn't want anything to do with any of them once the truth came out.
Just know that we are all here as well, and will help in any way we can. Keep us updated.
Please see a counselor. I agree with cayc - the 3rd one is going to be a soul crusher. Without that information, you won't know how bad it truly is.
Also, why are YOU sleeping on the couch?
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I am in a similar space and am suffering PTSD. After Dday #1, both WH and I started IC for a month and then started MC. Six months later, came Dday #2. WH had continued the A while we were in counseling. Had really ended it with the COW the month before.
While we were in MC! When I was working on this, he wasn't. I am so devastated and went to a lawyer, haven't done anything official, but sent him to the spare bedroom. With no money to spare and a DS in college, we haven't been able to split up - and I don't know if that's what I want anyway.
So, I WISH I'd separated from him after Dday #1. Maybe he would have gotten his shit together, maybe not.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone in being shell-shocked. Sending strong vibes to you!
[This message edited by kate0421 at 8:48 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
On the other hand, if he isn't willing to tell me, how will I ever trust him again? Is this the only way to trust him again?
I had a Dday#2 about 8 months after #1. Found out about a long ago ONS, kissing in bars, the ex before we were married and it took a polygraph for it to come out. This is a truth now that is good enough for me. That is not driving me crazy. It feels like a starting point to healing that would not have come without it.
Kate honey I can feel your pain, and your emotions are all over the place, this is understandable, but lets stop and take a deep breath and break this down into some manageable chunks.
1. D-Day #2 - This isn't really a new Dday, this information that you did not have from the first Dday. Yes IT HURTS LIKE A MF'r, BUT...It's not like:
Dday #2. WH had continued the A while we were in counseling
Yes it hurts, but it's really learning the depth, and breadth of the information. Liken it to going someplace new, and seeing Oh hey there's a pond over there. Then the next time you go, you walk closer to it, and you oh hell that's not a pond, it's actually a lake. It doesn't change that it's a body of water, it's just more water than what you thought. The same here, it's more of the same, he cheated, he still cheated he just did it one more time than you thought.
I do agree that you can't heal until you know what he has done, and how many times he's done it. I think you owe it to yourself to get those answers. He was broken when he made those choices, but look at what he is doing now. Is he being honest, transparent, free of anger? If he is doing the work of R, then it's good that he wants to get it all out in the open now. TT and lies by omission are what kill a M. It's a real step for healing to get is all out in the open.
Do not assume him being afraid to tell you makes it worse. He may just be fearful of your reaction, given you became suicidal the first time around.
2. Financially Driven Choices - You need all the information so you can decide for yourself if indeed his choices are a deal breaker for you. If you had all the money in the world would your answer be different? This is an important question to consider, my Attorney gave me this bit of advice actually.
Fear of giving up your current lifestyle, and level of comfort can influence your decision, to a point that you will tolerate less than you deserve. DO NOT allow that to happen. If you deserve respect you deserve it, and fear of being destitute should not make you accept less if you choose to stay.
3. Having your own money - EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD SHOULD HAVE HER OWN MONEY. I firmly believe this. So your a SAHM. You have no income. Is there anything you can do to make money? A part time job at Walmart? Babysitting kids in your home? Providing Latchkey sitting during the school year? Find something, and do it. If you need to work evenings, or opposite shifts of your H to get money then do it at least part time. Being Financially independent gets you to a place where you can stand on your own, and know that if you demand the respect and love you deserve you won't need to live in a cardboard box or in a van down by the river.
4. Find out what kind of help and services are available to you should you become a single mom right now. Would you qualify for food stamps? Would you qualify for grant money to finish your education? Would your kids qualify for HeadStart? Believe it or not there are lots and lots of programs out there that exist to help women like you. Figure out how to utilize them.
NOW to answer the question of How will I ever trust again? That comes with watching his behaviors now. Is he being honest, transparent, patient? Is he accountable? Each time you see this it starts to build the trust back a tiny piece at a time. Eventually over a couple of years of consistent behavior you find that you do trust again. It will never be the blind, and somewhat na´ve trust you had before, but it is a wiser, and safer trust.
Anger - You need to find a healthy outlet for it. Do you exercise? If not start. Walk, Run, something. But you need to use that energy up. You need to learn how to breath the good in, and blow the bad out. Yoga, or Pilates would be good for you as well.
Anger is just another way your brain deals with fear. Examine why you are so angry. Then figure out how to deal with it. If you don't journal, I would suggest you start. If you don't have IC, I would urge you to consider getting one, and start on healing your heart, brain, and soul.
You are stronger than you know and you are more capable than you give yourself credit for.
[This message edited by tushnurse at 9:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]
He's willing to give it to you.
This thing is like a puzzle and you have to have ALL the pieces, and then get them in the exact perfect spot for it to work.
You have to heal yourself.
You have to have all the information
You have to know that he is committed 100%
You have to know that even if he did it again, you will be ok, you will survive it.
Plus a bazillion other things.
Honestly I think it's more a TT then a whole new DDay, but that's your perception vs mine. I'm sure it feels like a brand new DDay but it doesn't change the work he is doing now, or has done since dday.
If you don't you can never truly R.
In addition - that's like a free pass for a WS to do whatever he wants in the future - she just doesn't want to know (would be the thought).
Honestly - you need to hear it.
He needs to be honest. Right now it's still all about him and what he needs. It's not about you and it should be. It should be what you need. Period. His actions. His decisions. All of this was caused by him. He needs to own it.
Your d-day is VERY recent. Right now, he should be thankful you haven't kicked him out. Period.
You need to get into IC and MC with someone who is experienced with infidelity. He needs to man up and give you the truth, all the ugly details. From that you can make your decisions going forward as to what you want and need.
And keep in mind, infidelity can be a deal breaker. No matter how remorseful he is, no matter if he's doing all the "right" things, it can sometimes be a deal breaker.
But, if you're both committed, and he FULLY understands how LONG it will take you to recover from this, you have a chance. It will take a couple of years - yes, years - to get past this. You will NEVER forget it. It WILL become less painful as time goes on.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley