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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Don't Think it's a Rebound, Do You?
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my take by reading betw the lines of your posts

I think you are terrified.
I think your ex pulled all sorts of mind games and you are not only unsure of who to trust but you don't trust yourself.
I believe you are a strong minded, independent woman and that is precisely why you are now reeling from your last relationship.
I think you are so panicked to return back to that strong independent woman that you are in active denial that anything is wrong and are desperate to fast forward through this mess and be fully heeled.

I really believe you are on the path to heeling and you may be getting past your breakup but I don't think anyone who mention their ex 17 times in one post has truely heeled.


Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there. I'm past a lot of those stages already...But, thanks for suggestion.

What exactly did you do to get post those stages and to achieve an emotionally healthier you? What did you do to get past the dysfunction that resides within yourself? Think about this....are you really past those stages or have you swept things neatly under a rug, so you didn't have to face them? To me, it sounds like you've just compartmentalized everything and put it away.


<------The master of compartmentalization.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13719 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have to make a post like this, you probably aren't ready for new guys and dating. At least in my experience.

You already have acknowledged red flags, which isn't a super sign 2 dates deep.

And seriously, the only reason I have found not to read baggagereclaim is because the truth hurts.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
roseguide
♀ Member
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok somewhere in these vast forums is an embarrassing post where, two and a half months from d-day I passionately declared that I was the exception.

I was over my ex, the betrayal, the devastation of my life. It took me less than 3 months to get over the loss of a 25 year marriage.

I was giddy and excited to date again.

I was strong, so much stronger than others who had been through this.

I was different than everyone else who had been through this. They didn't know me. They didn't understand.

I am coming up on the 2 year anti-versary of my d-day and I realize I'm not even close to ready. I've been through 1 rebound guy and 2 semi-serious (or so I thought) relationships.

I was warned, gently and not so gently, that it was too soon. I knew better, lol. Technically - I guess I know better now.


So my two cents:

1. Give yourself some time. Seriously, fight the urge to "get out there" You deserve the time to heal and you are only delaying the process with filler emotions because the real emotions are too painful and scary.

2. It is waaaay too easy to perceive any romantic interaction as serious interest. You are trying, whether consciously or unconsciously, to replace the lost feeling of intimacy from your marriage. It's almost like I was playing house with these guys. Like on the show Bewitched - I just replaced my "Darren" with another "Darren" and went on my way hoping no one would notice it was a different guy and I was piece of crap loser who couldn't keep a man home and happy.

I know better now but two months out you cannot think straight.
You just cannot.
That's why you're here asking opinions. Somewhere deep down you know it's too soon and that part of you is trying to save the part of you that has something to prove to the world.

[This message edited by roseguide at 9:27 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. Buddhist saying

Posts: 206 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he just wants to have a fling. But, I'm not a fling kinda girl. I'm a good girl
First off, cut yourself some slack. Good girls have flings and have fun too. And although we do have estrogen, there are women on these boards that have been quite happy with a fwb type relationship (not me though, I know myself well enough to know that if I have sex, I get attached. It isn't a moral thing, it is a "protect my heart and my pride thing". It sounds like you know yourself well enough also to know that for you, sex = attachment. Or does it? For me, because I know myself well enough to know I get attached, one of my rules that I stick with NO MATTER WHAT is no sex with any new guy until I know he is there for the long run (or at least a long term relationship with true love and caring) and not just to increase his numbers (that is my rule, because I don't like the idea of being used.)

Even though you are over your WS, it doesn't mean you are healed. This is the time to kind of coccoon a bit, lick your wounds, do some introspection, spend time alone and get to know yourself. You need to strengthen yourself because dating is not for the weak or the vulnerable. You should be approaching dating from a position of strength, not need or vulnerability or confusion..... Who are you, what are your values, what is important to you, and what do you want for your future? Those are important things to consider before dating again. And, it is perfectly okay if you decide that what you want right now is to just enjoy and date around casually and have fun (as long as you can stick with those rules and you are sure to let the guy know so he can decide for himself if he is okay with that.) Or, if that type of thing isn't for you, it is perfectly okay to wait a while until you can offer your entire heart and the true essence of who you are, and then date seriously again. What really matters is how you feel about this, and what is important to you.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:09 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15191 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to address all this other stuff but I just wanted to point out a couple of things about this guy...

Just him saying that he's a rebound is highly inappropriate. On the second date? You should still be talking about what movies you like and where you went to high school. The way it seemed to me in your original post, it read almost like a "poor me" kinda thing. This is a huge red flag never to be overlooked. Any kind of appeal for sympathy, or attempt to psychoanalyze you coming from a man is very bad news.

Then his story portraying an entire breakup hinging on the events of just *one* night (???) and portraying his ex as completely unhinged is just plain bad bad bad. I'm sure you can figure that one out.

As far as being "ready" to date.. who knows. Ime, seeing an actual therapist, and one I really like who is good, did me way more good than reading any book or website. I think it says a lot that you notice the red flags with this guy.

Best wishes.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, forgot ....I wanted to address this....
.I was so excited to go out, put some tight pants on and sky high heels, a little lipstick, dinner and a movie...
Why do you need a guy for this?

For the year or so I didn't date between guys, I made some new friends and got all dressed up and went dancing most weekends. I had a blast! Actually, I haven't done that for a while and I miss it.

While I had time to think about what I wanted and figure out what was important to me without any outside (guy) influences....I started back to school for a new career, I bought a drum set to bang around on, I made lots of new friends, I ran for president of student government (and won) and I dabbled in politics.

I know who I am better now. I know what is important to me in this life. I know what I want. I am dating again, but now I won't let someone else determine my path. At this point in my life, my new guy knows what I want and he can come along for the ride or he can watch me as I fly. But since I took the time in between guys to figure out what was really important to me (instead of devoting most of my time to my partner(s) and changing my wishes to accommodate them I am a much stronger person now.

This is YOUR time.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15191 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's one post on Baggage REclaim that you might finsd worth a look:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-skipping-the-discovery-phase-why-its-time-to-drop-the-shortcuts-that-arent-really-shortcuts/

There are several other articles on the 'discovery' phase idea that I find really helpful. Pull back your expectations and don't let your hormones drive you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4082 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that I DO agree with most of the posters here who are the voice of caution. But I also believe that there are many variables to this equation.

One variable is: how long ago was your last D-day? Mine (DD #2) was April 2007. So by the time my late husband lost his 26 month battle with stage 4 lung cancer in January 2013, I'd had over 5 years to heal, and over 2 years to pre grieve his approaching death.

SI members here were pretty concerned that I was rushing into disaster with my friend turned new romance. But, reread the above paragraph. I was initially quite confused about my now husband's intentions, when he first began expressing interest in me. I have since learned, thru observation and reading about it, that this is pretty common practice in retirement communities. I also found out that my late husband, either deliberately (quite possible knowing late hubby) or unconsciously "handed over the reins" when he asked his best friend (my new husband) to "look after hit after he died".

I worried that new hubby might have been after me because late hubby left me reasonably well off. He has since shown that to be highly unlikely by his actions. I am fat ((albeit very attractive) and wheelchair bound.

TMI Warning

We do NOT have a chaste relationship and it's rather difficult for a male to fake it in bed. Only very recently have we slowed down to 2x a week.

**Tmi over**

So, as always, your mileage may vary. Keep your eyes wide open as I did, heal first as I did, then you pays your money and takes your chances anyway.
Not every situation that looks scary to other concerned parties is going to be a fail.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Remarried 2/14/14, grief and joy....

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, third date last night.
I don't want to date!!!!
For a very very long time!!! LOL
I'd rather go out dancing with my girlfriends and hang out with my cousins and do guy stuff (car shows, dirt bikes, motorcycles, etc.) I don't need a romantic interest to do that stuff.

I had a rollercoaster ride with this guy in less than a week. I am NOT ready. I know, because I attracted the same kind of guy again. I failed. So, guess what, YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. :) In a good way of course.

I cannot reiterate my point enough of how I literally cherish every single one of you who has commented in your own unique way.

Get this. I asked about his ex-wife again. The story got a little more detailed. He told me she was controlling and he liked his freedom. They didn't get married until after she had his kids and he took her to Vegas. Translation= she put up with his shit and he cheated on her before they were married and proabably only got married because she had his kids and was nagging him. I asked why he didn't marry her sooner, he said he never thought about marriage.

So, there you go folks. I am over my STBXH, but I am not healed. I'm going to find another therapist and do some soul searching while I enjoy my cocoon time and have positive friendships with my friends and family. And I'm going to sift through the Baggage Reclaim website again. Denial is not a pretty thing...

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone.

Phoenix Rising, everything you said is true.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll get there libertyrocks!

The initial attraction can be hard to resist, but stepping back and seeing the red flags despite it is huge!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4082 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea! LibertyRocks! I'm glad you've slowed down, got more information from this guy and are now cognizant of how quickly chemistry can short circuit our thinking brains. You WILL be tempted again. REMEMBER this lesson when you are. (((libertyrocks)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3081 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks like from your updates that you've already received your answer about this particular guy, BUT, as for your questions on rebound and whether there are exceptions to the rule...

I agree with a pp that, technically, the initial relationship(s) post-divorce ARE rebounds, unless an individual takes a significant amount of time without any dating to heal and process.

But with that said, I don't think rebound relationships are all doomed, or that you should *necessarily* avoid dating (there's a great article posted by someone just a few topics down about the positives of rebounds). What I think is necessary is that you still do the work to process and heal, which is definitely challenging to do with a rebound, but not impossible.

My husband is my rebound relationship from my divorce. But I did 2 years of weekly therapy, including several sessions WITH him and my therapist, prior to marriage, to make sure that I was working through it all. I read a ton. I really worked on processing the divorce and infidelity. We're very happily married (just had our 2 year anniversary on Monday).

So, contrary to conventional SI wisdom, I do believe it can work. But only if a lot of work is done at the same time.

Good luck!


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Out of blue ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonde

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2010
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the responses, but some I did. Just wanted to ad. Mid thirties, 15 years marriage myself, tough as nails, know myself WELL. I don't know about you but very casual dating is about it for me for at least a year. I read somewhere that for every year of the ended relationship, the average person should avoid anything serious for at least that many months. Which puts me at sometime next fall and that seems scary as shit! LOL


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1919 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Topic Posts: 34
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