Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Heartbreaker1999 (45457)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Introducing GF to DS not what I expected..
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Frustrated  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First an update;

2014 has been a pretty solid year for me so far. Moved out of my old place (goodbye, old memories!), got a new job (hello, career path!), and met a VERY awesome woman online who is now my girlfriend! Things with the ex are at a simmering dislike, we talk about the kid or money and I happily reject any attempt at other conversation. She did throw me for a loop a month ago when she announced that she was moving out and getting a place with OM. I've accepted the fact that I have no way of stopping this without serious litigation which I will ultimately lose anyway. So it is what it is. Anyway, Life has been good for me lately and things just seem to get better with each day. Oh, I'm also off my AD and it's awesome!

So here is where I'm stuck..

I've been seeing this girl for 5 months now. We've been taking things really slow and she has been super patient and understanding about any baggage/drama that comes with my situation. Things are great and she has lasting potential but so far she has only seen the bachelor side of me, not the father. We decided to wait until we both felt comfortable with her meeting my son and so the three of us got together for the first time yesterday. We met up for ice cream and walked in the park and things were going great. He was a bit shy at first but he warmed up to her in no time (she's a pediatric nurse and great with kids). He even invited her over to our place for hotdogs after the ice cream, which I did not coach him on in the least! We went back home and played in the yard for a bit and that's when things started feeling a bit strange for me. Watching her play and interact with my son wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling like I thought it would be, it felt strange and almost uncomfortable. I felt a little bit like that while getting ice cream, too. A bit on edge and protective? I'm still not sure on what I was feeling, just that it wasn't what I was expecting.

Was I not really ready? Are these normal feelings? Is this something that I just have to move past until it feels natural? I think part of me just isn't ready to have someone else interact with my son on that level AND be my partner. I have no problem with friends or family or anyone else playing with him or giving hugs and telling stories but it just felt different with her. Maybe it's because the last person in that "role" was my ex? I'm not in therapy anymore, haven't been in quite some time, and this would be the sort of thing I would bring up.

I'm planning on giving it another try, maybe in a week or so. He liked her, she thought he was adorable and they got along great! Why am I stalling here?

Thanks gang,

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That must be a tough situation. I have thought about this a lot when I have to introduce my DD to future partners. Psychologically, it is pretty easy to explain. We all have schemas that we develop over time and through various experiences. You are having a conflict of schemas, because this new GF has not been a member of your existing DS schema. If you go to this page, it gives a quick synopsis of what a schema is and when we have problems with them...

http://psychology.about.com/od/sindex/g/def_schema.htm

In essence, it will just take a little bit of time to develop a new schema. One that involves your GF and DS together. If you like this girl enough, it shouldn't be a problem. You just need more exposure of positive experiences, so that your brain begins to crave them more, thus leading to effective schema development.

Sorry for the technical jargon.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 820 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's normal, I felt the same way when XSO and certain kids. The kids and XSO had something in common. I didn't share that interest, so I was lost in their world. It felt odd. I was also my kids protector, while I trusted me with XSO did I truly trust him ( or anyone) with my kids? I chose wrong once, who is to say I chose right with him. Turns out I didn't.

There was a lot of feelings for me to sift thru. A trip to IC might be a good idea.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5329 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is your protective nature- you are opening your heart and your child's heart to someone new especially after the changes in your family.

The general rule is one year but some have done it successfully within a shorter timeframe.

Listen to how you feel. Personally I would respect my SO's decision on the timing if he wanted to wait because I respect him. I would expect the same when it came to my child.

This is your child and unless I know in my heart then why put children through the roller coaster when they are adapting to a new life? I need to be sure but I am also really conservative. Some are comfortable with introducing dates etc. I don't think either way is wrong.

I also think depending on who you are dating it is a huge step for them as well and I would hope the SO would be aware of the dynamic of your family and take things slow.

See how you feel and trust your gut. You know your child and what is best for your family.

Good luck!


Posts: 1016 | Registered: Jul 2012
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did throw me for a loop a month ago when she announced that she was moving out and getting a place with OM.

I should clarify here, she was moving out of her own apartment, not mine. She and I have been completely separated for a full year as of next week or so. It threw me for a loop because she informed me of her plans a week before she got the new place and gave me no time to react or figure out my options (which are pretty much nil).

Anyway, thanks for the replies you guys. I'm considering calling up my old therapist to arrange a session this week but part of me feels like if I do that then things really aren't fine and dandy for me. As if all this recent progress was me just pretending to be OK and ignoring lingering issues. SO has told me that she isn't interested in breaking things off over this and she is willing to stick around and help me through whatever this is. She even offered to go to counseling with me if I thought it would help. She really is quite the keeper and the worst part is that sometimes I get the feeling that I'm really not ready for a serious relationship and for a split second I even considered using this whole thing as an excuse to break things off. Then a louder part of me says that I have nothing to worry about and that I can trust her and let her in and allow myself to enjoy our relationship. I'm sure it takes quite some time for that negative voice to go away but maybe there is some truth there?

When I told SO how I was feeling she was devastated. We talked on the phone for a while today and she was in tears for part of it and I spent most of the conversation wondering to myself why it affected her so much. I expected her reaction to be more along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry it didn't feel right for you, let's put the next play date on hold until we figure this out". Instead I got, "my world is ending. How could you possibly feel that way?". When she calmed down she seemed to understand that this is part of MY issue and it's in no way a reflection on her or how she did when meeting my son.

I've tried to be 100% honest with her from the start, she knows I've felt uncertain at times and that issues related to the past are likely to pop up now and then. She's done a great job standing by me and accepting me for who I am, baggage and all, and a large part of me is interested in seeing this relationship go much further.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents regarding therapy. As a therapist myself, I know I need it with all of this, even when I feel I am doing good. Sometimes going to therapy when we are "feeling good" is the best time to go. If we only go in while we are fighting fires, we might prevent true growth from occurring.

The worst case scenario is that you go into IC and it makes you feel good with where you are at.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 820 | Registered: Dec 2013
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Larry - long time no see.

Boy did this strike a chord with me. I have been where you are, and on a similar timeline. I too met a great woman and introduced her to the kids. We took it slow and careful too, although she did at times push to meet them.

Did it feel strange - yes. It wasn't bad, it was just...strange. They all got on well and we spent a fair bit of time together, but I worried about it. I worried about my kids and how they were feeling. This wasn't their mum. I worried about the relationship and whether it would last, and if it didn't how that might affect the kids, still dealing with their mum and dad splitting up.

So - it it normal? In my experience yes. This, I think, is a really hard thing to do. My relationship didn't work out, and now after much reflection (and some IC) I think it was too soon for me to get in so deep, but that's easy done. I think my GF really struggled with the priority I gave to the kids when this was also a really hard thing for her too. Maybe I didn't quite get that balance right. Ultimately, it wasn't the right relationship for me (for other reasons). When it ended and I told the kids they were a bit upset that they wouldn't see her, but they were and are OK.

What I am trying to say here I think is that yes what you are feeling is normal. This is a tricky situation for everyone, and you are bound to have some concerns about it. You have seen your kids hurt once and the last think you want is to see it again. I completely get it.

Maybe it is too soon for you, and maybe not - only you can know that. What I will say is that it was too soon for me, and while deep deep down that quiet voice told me so, I wasn't able to hear it for too long.

Two other things from your post mate. The first is that your X can still throw you for a loop. That's totally understandable and S for a year is not that long, but it might be worth exploring that a bit more.

The second thing is that your GF was devastated that you felt this way about the meet up with the kids. This rings a bell for me too. It suggests to me that she is serious about this relationship, and hearing from you about how you felt could be making her feel that you are less certain - about the relationship.

I reckon IC is a good idea - there's a lot to work through here. Also - IC does NOT indicate a lack of progress - as DepressedDaddy said often the best therapy is when you are felling good - I know that has been my experience.

Good luck with it Larry and remember - I can think back to when you first came here - look at that for progress!

take care
V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, V, I always know I'm in for a treat when I see a big post from you. It's reassuring to hear that you went through the same experience and yes, I DO remember how turned around I was when I first joined SI. I've allowed myself several pats on the back when I consider how far I've come (and a couple smacks upside the head for how stubborn I was in the beginning).

I guess at the heart of the matter is, am I ready for this level of commitment? I really want to say yes and steam ahead to a happy ever after but my gut keeps telling me I'm not 100% there yet.
DDaddy - what you said about schemas rings true also, I'm thinking it's a bit of both right now. IC will definitely be in my future as I try to figure this out. One of the reasons I stopped going in the first place was I began to feel like I wasn't getting a lot out of the sessions. Half the time I just sat there as my therapist waited for me to say whatever was on my mind. There was a lot of "dead air" and I didn't feel right asking my therapist to probe more or initiate the discussions. Maybe I'll try someone new this time, but then I'd have to get them all caught up, huh?

About the ex throwing loops. This particular loop was due to the fact she was moving in with OM and didn't give me more than a week to get used to the idea of my son living with this POS. Supposedly he has been on the straight and narrow and of course my ex vouches for him completely. Time will tell if he can be trusted but for now I am incredibly uncomfortable with the situation.

About my current GF, she's great and VERY much invested in our relationship. She has told me on more than one occasion that she letting down her guard for our relationship and we frequently talk about the future. If I decide that I'm really not ready for this level of commitment then it will certainly break her heart. Not looking forward to that in the least.

Guess it's the sort of thing I really need more time/exposure/professional help to figure out for sure. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep an open dialogue with my GF so I don't keep her guessing on the sidelines.

Thanks for the feedback guys,

~Larry

[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 12:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LCL - The whole right fit with a therapist idea is important. I actually feel that the relationship you have with your therapist is more important than the theoretical perspective they ascribe to.

I would suggest going to see a therapist that is more direct/assertive with you. If it is hard for you to offer up information on your own, that might help you open up. Also, you can always give the therapist "permission" to confront you a bit more. Not in a mean way, but in a therapeutic one.

It might also be demographic issues as well. Ask yourself if you would prefer to see a male or female, or if age makes a difference, or if race would affect your comfort as well.

I would definitely encourage you to re-engage in IC. It's hard to take the "second" first step, but once you do, the process gets easier.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 820 | Registered: Dec 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read this thread and I do think that Larry has his heart in the right place, but I will say I kinda feel for your current GF. It really isn't fair to her if you aren't as invested as she is. She seems OK with whatever you are willing to give her and is pushing you to commit further. Maybe you are feeling this pressure because you really aren't "ready". You've met a sweet girl who, if you were ready, would be great. But, you aren't, and therein lies the issue.

When I told SO how I was feeling she was devastated. We talked on the phone for a while today and she was in tears for part of it and I spent most of the conversation wondering to myself why it affected her so much. I expected her reaction to be more along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry it didn't feel right for you, let's put the next play date on hold until we figure this out". Instead I got, "my world is ending. How could you possibly feel that way?". When she calmed down she seemed to understand that this is part of MY issue and it's in no way a reflection on her or how she did when meeting my son.

About my current GF, she's great and VERY much invested in our relationship. She has told me on more than one occasion that she letting down her guard for our relationship and we frequently talk about the future. If I decide that I'm really not ready for this level of commitment then it will certainly break her heart. Not looking forward to that in the least.

but my gut keeps telling me I'm not 100% there yet.

Gently…but just because you are "keeping her in the loop" doesn't mean it is OK to keep her around while you figure out your investment in her. Actually, she shouldn't be so invested in a relationship where she isn't the 100% focus (of your relationship time). She seems waaaaay more invested than you are, and from everything you have said, she is hearing wedding bells.

My fSO only met my kids at a park playdate and they gravitated toward him (they were not told we were dating). I found it very sweet and appreciated the fatherly roll he *could* take if the relationship had continued. It didn't freak me out at all.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Regarding him moving in with OM:

1. Have you had a thorough background check done on OM to make sure he's "safe" to be around your son?
2. Have you talked to a therapist about how to deal with this? And whether to have any regular talks with your son to ensure he's safe there. Like talking to him how no one except mommy and daddy can take him to the bathroom, how ?
3. Have you had a chance to discuss the role the OM will be playing in your son's life?
4. What kind of living conditions will your soon be living in?

Document. Document. Document. Everything related to your son and living there, every conversation you have with her on this subject.

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this whole different life but I thought about your post most of the day:

1. IC in some ways is like a tune up. It can help even if things are going super well. It is still up to you to agree with the advice of the therapist. It is not a backwards but a forward step in some ways with a fresh perspective.

2. Your SO sounds nice which is great. The thing is she wants to be there. I read some of the posts and I think you all should keep dating and enjoy- 5 months is not that long. There is no rush and take the time now to figure it out. If it is meant to be then you all will be there but deflate the pressure.

3. The comments about healing. I have found that in a new relationship I sit for a few days when something doesn't sit well. Is it me or the relationship or the past? What part do I own and what part belongs to the other person?

In your situation I think you felt the way you did. I think it could have been too soon but is it a good too soon like taking a leap of faith or a really too soon maybe scary too soon and too much. I have a feeling the second one.

I don't know her background but if she mainly helps kids than I would guess your comment which was more about how you felt than about her threw her because she was just being herself and it was so great it made you see a future and that was a bit much (just a thought). She was possibly sad because she was herself and thought it created a negative reaction.

I am not very good at explaining this but I would have maybe not included my child again until I was ready and if asked I would say it felt to soon for both me and my child. Then I would actively work with an IC or a close friend or family and work through it to figure out if it is her or just timing. The standard time is a year for children to meet an SO. You are technically early. That way it isn't about her and what she did and how you felt but more about it felt too soon.

She sounds great - see where it goes but if you can healing and new relationships are tough because you are essentially working through your issues live with another person. Try to keep it separate and go slow and have fun.

I think there is hope but work on things so you can see it when it happens.


Posts: 1016 | Registered: Jul 2012
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting. When my son met my SO and his 2 girls, it was just a big play date and I didn't feel what you are feeling.

BUT, when my ex husband spent a weekend with a "friend" (he swears he isn't interested in her, but she must be in him) he got weirded out by her playing an overly motherly role all weekend. My ex said he realized he wasn't ready for a committed relationship to see another woman acting like that towards his son.

So is this a Daddy thing? Just wondering since other Dads have commented in the same vein. I know it's not exclusive to the dads, just an observation.

I'm glad you cleared what you were feeling up with your SO. She definitely needs to know she did all the right things. She sounds like a keeper right now!


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, lots to follow up on.

She seems waaaaay more invested than you are, and from everything you have said, she is hearing wedding bells.
Yes, she is much more invested than I am though I feel I am catching up. I grow more fond of her by the day and I can see her being a great partner for me long term. She has none of the negative qualities that my ex has; she's smart, successful, comes from a strong family, great work ethic and is great with kids. I don't see anything about her that raises flags. I feel pretty terrible though about how much more "ahead" she seems in the relationship but like I said, I'm catching up.

just because you are "keeping her in the loop" doesn't mean it is OK to keep her around while you figure out your investment in her.
I agree that this is selfish and not something that I want to put her through. What's the alternative though? End things right now? At the first sign of trouble? I'm really hoping this is just a bump in the road caused by my experiences with the ex. If that's the case, doesn't it make sense to take a few days to get a better handle on my feelings and see if this is something I can move forward with? True, we've only been dating for 5 months so the investment isn't too huge at this point but I just don't feel right dropping everything due to an obstacle that could be overcome. Aren't we all allowed some uncertainty in relationships?

I have found that in a new relationship I sit for a few days when something doesn't sit well. Is it me or the relationship or the past? What part do I own and what part belongs to the other person?
That's exactly what I'm doing. I don't want to make a decision based on impulse and then regret it later. How long is too long though? A week? If I can't get a handle on my feelings by then I'd rather end things than put her through any kind of limbo. Right now things are mostly back to normal though she and I both have the possibilities and uncertainty hanging over our heads. Definitely don't want to be in this position for long.

As for the OM and my son living under the same roof. OM has a history of drug use and also had his license revoked for awhile due to DWI. He has since "cleaned up his act" (per ex) and without proof of any current substance abuse or anything I cannot prevent him from living with my son. However, I DID make sure to speak with my ex in regards to his role with my son. OM is not a parent, he is not to be left alone with my son with any extended period (I have first refusal already, so that helps), if there is ANY illegal drug use then my son comes back to me until OM is gone. I'm getting this in writing from the ex and I plan to get it notarized and added to our parenting plan (which is still pending approval from a judge--ugh). I have not had the talk about appropriate touch and the like with my son, and frankly it disgusts me that I should need to do that though I understand you can never be too safe.
I haven't done a full background check on OM and that sounds like an incredibly good idea. How can I get that started? Do I need to know his birthday or SSN?


So is this a Daddy thing? Just wondering since other Dads have commented in the same vein. I know it's not exclusive to the dads, just an observation.
I can't speak for everyone but in my situation, my ex had a totally different experience when she introduced DD to OM. She was bursting with glee and everything was roses and sunshine, no weird feelings or anything. I know this because I have her text messages from that time and for those familiar with my story, discovering she did that was the final straw for me and she came home to half her shit packed up and waiting.

I would suggest going to see a therapist that is more direct/assertive with you. If it is hard for you to offer up information on your own, that might help you open up.
Sounds like just the thing I need! Any suggestions in the southern NH area?

Thanks everybody, SI continues to be the best club I never wanted to join ((HUGS))

~Larry

[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 11:24 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that this is selfish and not something that I want to put her through. What's the alternative though? End things right now? At the first sign of trouble? I'm really hoping this is just a bump in the road caused by my experiences with the ex. If that's the case, doesn't it make sense to take a few days to get a better handle on my feelings and see if this is something I can move forward with? True, we've only been dating for 5 months so the investment isn't too huge at this point but I just don't feel right dropping everything due to an obstacle that could be overcome. Aren't we all allowed some uncertainty in relationships?

Larry - yes, you are allowed. Take a bit of time to figure out your stuff but keep being honest with her. It'll work out in time - whatever that may be. Good luck, V.


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if you were feeling strange about it, because even though you are so done with your ex, you haven't ever pictured anyone else in your child's life.


And of course, maybe you just really weren't ready to share the "Father" part of you with your girlfriend.


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
LastChanceLarry
♂ Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I broke things off with my GF last night. After mulling it over for the last few days I concluded that I'm really just not ready for a serious relationship yet. If I had met her a year from now it could have been a totally different story but unfortunately that wasn't how it happened. I told her it was because it wasn't fair for her and I didn't want to keep breaking her heart every time I suffered a setback. She didn't handle it well at all. There was lots of pleading and begging and negotiating. She was in hysterics.
I'm feeling like crap today, mostly due to allergies, but a good portion of me is just shitty about breaking things off. I keep trying to tell myself that it was the right thing to do but truthfully I'm still in a state of confusion and I'm not confident in ANY of my recent decisions..

Haven't looked up a new therapist for IC yet but I plan to do some "shopping" when I get some time this week.


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, Larry. I'm sure you are feeling terrible about this. But, in the long run, it is the right thing to do for both of you.

She should want someone who is totally into her, and you need to be ready and work through all the ghosty things you can before being in a serious relationship.

I get it, my first post S relationship had that same potential and it was sad to see it not work out. In the long run though, I think it was for the best. Literally, the "timing was off" and little else. He came back 6 months later…and, well, we couldn't make it work the second time either. Something was just off.


((((LCL))))

Being a girl, and knowing girls, you will probably hear from her a few times as she starts to accept this breakup. Don't fall for any "Let's make love one last time" or "Let's try and stay friends" as that doesn't' give both of you a clean break. Be honest and kind as she is accepting this.

Just give yourself some time to work through this. There are reasons people break up.

edited to add: Post a separate topic so SI can see you need different support...

[This message edited by cmego at 7:40 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.