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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I find the strength to face my demons...and get peace?
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...so I started Lexapro last night....my heart is a little racy today....not sure if that is a side effect or not or if its just stress related as I am having a busy day and am on my lunch break dreading the return to the pile on my desk....

But, anyways... My IC this week told me that I need to "Let myself feel the pain" of what I have been through....with D-day....the divorce....Piper's sperm donor's abandonment...his emotional abuse towards me...etc etc. She says she can tell I'm still carrying a lot of the emotional pain related to those events and haven't dealt with them.

I remember crying.....enough tears to fill the Pacific ocean....during all of those events....and those events all occurred within about a 2 year span of time... but I know I still carry resentment....and anger....and hurt....and I don't know WHY I can't deal with it, let it go, and move on.

I feel as if I'm sitting on the ground with my back up against this endlessly high thick brick wall that I have built to protect myself from this horrible monster that is on the other side. I know he is still there because I can hear him clawing and growling and raging at the sides of my wall trying desperately to get through it so he can hurt me again. I still have the scars from when he hurt me to begin with. I'm afraid to break down that wall.....I'm afraid to face him head on...... I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to defeat him....I'm afraid if I face him that he will make me crumble and there will be nothing left.

I'm afraid. Even thinking about those events again hurts..... stabs at my heart... I don't want to re-visit them again. But, I don't want to be stagnant in my life and never find peace.

Can't I just throw a big rock or bomb over the wall or something???

But, seriously.... she said I should a lot time every day to "Feel" my pain.... cry it out...whatever. I don't know how to do this.... I really don't.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:46 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, I hear you. You have had traumas. You are so afraid of being hurt again. Fear fear fear. I think maybe the only recourse is to find strength wherever and whenever you can and it will build up your immunity to this fear. Make you strong enough to face that wall, diminish the wall and anything behind it. Stare it down until it is just a few inches high and you just need to step over it, stepping on and crushing the scary thing behind it.

I LOL at the big rock or bomb thing. If only. That is what you are going to have to do anyway, throw a rock and bomb at it, but you are going to have to be the rock and the bomb.

You be the bomb ShellyB, you be the rock.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are lots of people here who have been ground down in the pits of hell. And survived. I'm one of them. What makes you think you're incapable of surviving it, too?

Further, what makes you think that you can help your daughter grow up to be healthy & avoid the same mistakes you've made if you don't handle your problems now & solve them?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What helps me cope is recognizing my part in where Iím at in life. Iím not a victim of WXH and OW. We are D because he wasnít the man I hoped he would be. I chose to put my faith in him, to take that leap in marriage and it didnít work out as I had planned. You canít control other people, sometimes they will do hurtful, careless, thoughtless things. I take control of my life, by taking control of my part. I didnít make him cheat, but that doesnít mean Iím flawless, and beyond reproach in life.

I might have done a lot of stupid things for love, but WXH didnít force me to get student loan debt, buy a home at the height of the market, put his family and interests ahead of mine, or quit speaking up for myself. Those are choices I made, bad habits I picked up, things I can work on that give me some sense of control, and direction, and solace in my life. I choose not to be a victim of circumstances. When bad things happen, I take my lumps and continue to plot on with my life trying to make better choices.

You control your own destiny Shelly. I hope you can find some peace with the past and a direction that makes you happy.

P.S. Good for you for speaking to your doctor. Seeking extra help is exactly what I mean by taking control.


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might have done a lot of stupid things for love, but WXH didnít force me to get student loan debt, buy a home at the height of the market, put his family and interests ahead of mine, or quit speaking up for myself. Those are choices I made, bad habits I picked up, things I can work on that give me some sense of control, and direction, and solace in my life. I choose not to be a victim of circumstances. When bad things happen, I take my lumps and continue to plot on with my life trying to make better choices.

I agree. I KNOW I'm not perfect and I look back and can pinpoint a lot of things I did wrong in our marriage. Sometimes I took his need to do things for granted and didn't pick up the slack as much around the house as I should have when I was knee deep in grad school with work. I should have done more. I did stupid things like refusing to say "I love you" when I was angry at him when I know I did...and was just being stubborn. I know better than that now. There were lots of little things that I took for granted and I was too focused on my education to see the forest for the trees.

I think I'm a better person now than I was then....and there are many things I would have done differently if given the chance... but alas....I know things happen for a reason. We are given tough situations so that we can overcome them and learn from them and grow and thrive. I hope that I can face my demons and let these emotions go so I can heal. I just have to let go of my fear....hop over that wall and whoop some monster ass! Then dust myself off.....take my daughters hand and walk into the sunset together....

Sounds like a good plan to me....and hoping these AD's will be a good tool to help me build up that confidence and strength to do so....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:54 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC this week told me that I need to "Let myself feel the pain" of what I have been throug

It seems to me that you HAVE felt the pain. It's understandable that you would carry hurt and resentment. I still carry the pain of my initial d-day and it was over 10 years ago.

I don't know WHY I can't deal with it, let it go, and move on.

The difference between me and you is that I've accepted that there is nothing I can change about my past. I'm at peace with it. I got screwed over, but I'm not the only one who this has happened to. I got hurt really badly, not once but several times. What did I learn from that pain?

All the bad things that happen to us offer us lessons. Instead of fearing that it will happen again (because it may very well happen), I look at the fact that I've survived and so have you. That tells me that we are strong. We're strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at us.

Being strong doesn't take the fear away, but it makes our courage bigger than our fear. And that's what you should focus on.

I don't want to argue what your IC is telling you, but as I said initially, you have definitely "felt the pain." As you've said, you've shed an ocean of tears. Now it's time to dry the tears and realize that the pain you've felt offered you the chance to grow as a person.

After all that's happened to you, you're now a much stronger, more self sufficient, and much wiser young woman...and you should love that about yourself!


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I KNOW I'm not perfect and I look back and can pinpoint a lot of things I did wrong in our marriage. Sometimes I took his need to do things for granted and didn't pick up the slack as much around the house as I should have when I was knee deep in grad school with work. I should have done more. I did stupid things like refusing to say "I love you" when I was angry at him when I know I did...and was just being stubborn. I know better than that now. There were lots of little things that I took for granted and I was too focused on my education to see the forest for the trees.

See, I donít even necessarily see it as things that contributed to the marriage failing, that takes two people, just reconciling how some of you your choices might be holding you back, why you made them, and how to improve upon them.

My sister had this good guy friend who got married and quit hanging out with her group of friends as often and never hung out alone. His new wife was having trouble adjusting (she is foreign), didnít feel welcome, and was lonely and maybe even jealous when he went alone. My sister and her friends declared the new wife controlling, and the marriage a failure. She didnít understand that it was the husbandís CHOICE to put his wife first. He could have fought her, ignored her feelings, lied to her, tried to find some form of compromise, he chose to spend less time with his friends, so the consequence of his actions are his alone. Maybe the marriage will fail and heíll regret it, maybe it will thrive and they will find new friends who are more welcoming, it doesnít really matter because no one can predict the future.

The idea is to try to reconcile that you made choices that, at the time, you felt were best for you, not only short term, but long term. Forgive yourself for getting tangled up with WXH, with OW, with Sperm Donor, for getting divorced, for your financial missteps. None of that ruined your life. Your life is still brimming with potential. You are young, smart, and have people who care about you and want you to succeed. And success isn't married in material things. It's the ability to love and living a true, authentic life. Please donít let other people have so much control of your happiness. They are all in the past and the only people who matter are in your present.


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being strong doesn't take the fear away, but it makes our courage bigger than our fear.

Love this! Off to the quote thread


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
JenniMay
♀ Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She11y, Lexapro will make you a bit "numb". I have a hard time crying---even at the sad animal commercials that usually put me into a tailspin!

Kind of good in some ways...kind of not...just be aware...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 665 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it make your heart race? I can't tell if its my anxiety over the awful day at work I'm having and how stressful its been OR the Lexapro.....IDK.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard ADs take about 3 weeks on average to work fully. Give it some time but if it continues check with your doctor.

As far as your feelings I get the feeling you are stuck in victim mode a bit. It does stuck all of it. Leave it be and start moving towards goals.

Focus on what makes you happy (this does not include a romantic relationship). You have a young child so time is limited so hone in on what makes you excited. If you don't know then try a few things- a different lipstick etc.

If wanting to get a place one day is important to you and you will need a better income etc think about night classes or online (not a huge fan) but it might be easier with your schedule.

Accept thinking of what could have been and then say it is gone but at least we have integrity.

Get moving and explore your new life - what is the other choice? Start small and go for it. Months you may find you created a life and the idea of a guy coming anywhere near it would have to be exceptional!

You are still young and there are people with multiple kids going through what you are - you are not alone. Every forward motion leads you closer to a new life.

Next week I am trying again for the Xth time to reach my goal of cutting back. Keep trying. You are worth it.


Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2012
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 2nd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it make your heart race?

Lexapro and most ADs do not cause an increase in heart rate. In fact, some are used in a Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (I'm an RN) which is a condition where the heart rate increases when moving from reclining to upright. ADs can remedy this.

Of course, drug reactions can be idiosyncratic, which means anything can happen to anybody as we are all unique individuals and can respond in our own unique way.

That said, if it continues or gets worse, check with your doc.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Opheliapain
♀ Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 3rd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could not take any AD but Wellbutrin because of it making my heart race. If it lasts through the weekend call your doctor.

Good luck!


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 13

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