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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO if we were to communicate that
*I dont remember* = *I dont give a damn about you or your healing*
Maybe they would remember more.

My feeling is that *remembering* may be unpleasant for our WS. And the consequences of communicating what is remembered to us is more unpleasant still. So there really isnt much of a upside to it. THIS IMO is the source of the *I dont remember* thing.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3431 | Registered: Sep 2007
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without the constraints of staying with your WS. What would you like to do?

Good question, Razor! Even without my WH, I would still have the restraint of my kids (and a serious lack of money!), so nothing extravagant. I might resume painting and drawing, something I loved in college but dropped when I had kids. Dance lessons, maybe. Or a cooking course for serious chefs. None of these are things I could not also do with him still around, but they would be more likely if we were separated and he had the kids half the time.

This is a good brain exercise, and one that suddenly makes S/D look a lot more attractive.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi friends

I thought it was about time I checked in.

I have been absent for quite a while but pop in from time to time to read the newbies stories and check up on everyone else.

Welcome newbies.

Right there with you old timers.

Just a couple of notes.

Miracle: I will never forget the support you gave me as a newbie. I cry for you often.

Honest: I cry for you too.

UK: Right there with you sweetie. I still track the bitch and am pleased to announce she is MOVING BACK HOME far from OZ and right out of my life - just down the road from you. September or earlier I believe.

Sister (my SMS): Sassy as ever - I do love you!!

7Yrs: So happy to hear you are getting on with it. I know you are so strong. Go on with a new life and LIVE.

Razor: I see you have brought your own brand of wisdom to LTA. Good for you. We`are soul mates!! (Yes and of course he "doesn't remember" when I ask him things. The stupidity is astounding)

Allgood, Dip, Decimated, NJ, NoFun, RSEB, Stronger, HopeandChange, Ats, ForgiveNotForget, Blobette, Hope2B, lostsuol,

LOVE YOU ALL.

Well today I got to celebrate Anti 4. Of course FWH "forgot". He always does.

So where am I?

I have a FWH who is dedicating his life to "making me happy" and "making up for what he did" - his words and in his way of course. So he does what he thinks I need. But not what I tell him I need. He never did listen to me. He never talks about "it". Fuckwit!!!

After 4 years.

I still hate the bitches and wish they were dead.

I get through each day calmly and rarely cry. I have a melt down - screaming, throwing stuff, and swearing like a trooper maybe every 3 or 4 months - when his stupidity pisses me off to the point of insanity.

I am "comfortable". I want my life to stay as it is but have little invested in my FWH or my marriage - I could take or leave both. I am protecting myself I suppose. I will not make myself vulnerable again.

I plan for a future with him but know I can have a good one without him.

The sex is OK - much better than during the affair years at least.

This is my life. I'm a little sad today (mostly because FWH forgot again..... He is cooking dinner - again!!!- he thinks that is SO important, but of course he has forgotten the significance of today) but it's fine.

My life is far from perfect but I never did have that so I guess I don't know what I'm missing.

A few words of wisdom for the newbies.

Don't let anyone IRL or on SI EVER tell you how you should feel, what you should think or what you should do. Take and appreciate the support and love you get and ditch the crap some hand out. You WILL know it when you see it.

So that's me.

And for those who remember my pics here's one I hope you like:


Love to all and BIG HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:27 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2746 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Laura -
have little invested in my FWH or my marriage - I could take or leave both. I am protecting myself I suppose. I will not make myself vulnerable again
.

^^^Back at cha. I am in the same place. Hugs to you.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 412 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and BestMe:

If you have so little invested, and could truly take or leave your Ms and WHs, why do you stay? Convenience? Hope that it will get better? Why settle for blah when a better life might be found without him?

I ask this NOT in a rhetorical way, but with intense curiosity. If I could get to a place of not caring, or figure out how not to harm myself and my family by leaving, I would be SO gone. Why aren't you?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat, for me it's survival and accepting reality. During the LTA my H treated me with disdain. Yet, I chose to stay. Now, that he is trying to be a better person, I choose to stay to reap the benefits. If or when I reach the point where this is no longer beneficial to me: Peace Out!

Taking this stance may seem unreasonable to an outside observer. But, it is necessary for my survival.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 412 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:
Razor: I see you have brought your own brand of wisdom to LTA.

Hmmm. My own brand of wisdom gets me into trouble allot around here.

Glad to hear you are well Laura.

After (mumble mumble) more than a decade since Dday. I rarely have fits of anger or melt downs any more. What happens is that something will trigger a memory (this happens pretty much daily) and I feel sad. Every once in awhile I will just sit in a room by myself and let myself feel that sadness. I think we should all give our self permission to do that once in a while.

I do have a pretty dark view of human beings as a whole. Thats probably what Laura means by my own brand of wisdom. I also believe the best medicine is to confront the truth rather than make excuses for it. Better to recognize the reality and deal with that than to pretend things are not what they are.

I have a plan B in the wings should WW cross boundaries again. I WILL pull that trigger. It will be a D and I have a clear plan of action. Personally I find this empowering. Having a alternative to this M helps my (rather unstable) sanity.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3431 | Registered: Sep 2007
remembering
♀ New Member
Member # 43168
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband had affair for about a year with one woman, and then a EA with another (year, right) for about the same time...my DD was New Years Day this year...2 months after- he is diagnosed with Cancer and in the mist of all my pain and loss and realization that i was living a total lie...now he needs someone to care for him and its me. I am not sure what the future holds because i have been in therapy for 6 months now and i do see that i am worth more than this. Once he is better and back to his old self we will see if the promise of "making it up to me" will come through or just go back to his old selfish self...in the meantime I am working on myself and what I want out of the rest of life....this is so hard, i put all my trust in one basket after 26 yrs, it just sucks---he had these affairs over 10 yrs ago and I had asked him directly "are you having a affair?" ( woman guts tell you) "No" was his answer---every day for so many years....i still love the father of my children but do not know if I can ever ever love him as a husband again....


is is over?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking this stance may seem unreasonable to an outside observer. But, it is necessary for my survival.

This makes perfect sense to me. Thanks, as always.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((laura))))

its so so good to see you old friend....and please do not cry for me....I KNOW I WILL BE OK....i love that you care though...it feels good knowing that there are peeps out there who genuinely care for you and your welfare....

to this i cannot look at a duck without thinking about fucking ducks....


i am sorry that you are not happy...but you seem to be somewhat content...albeit with a few bumps..

as for the forgetting.....the best was shortly after d-day when i questioned pfm for the umpteenth time...and i asked him directly..."did you fuck her"...his reply ...i don't remember....my reply..."really, you do not remember sticking your dick in her pussy...why do i not believe that....oh i know..because its another lie....


anyways...with a lot of the "forgetting"....think about it..they are human..and i am sure they really do not want to remember ...most of us try hard to forget our mistakes....some of us though with the goody two shoe consciences....not so easy...but they do not possess that now do they...


tryn: no i did not make my decision so fast...i made a few no brainer decisions yes...like no more lying to me, no more dealing with toxic inlaws, no more secrets will be tolerated...basically i laid it all out for him and told him he had 6 months to shit or get off the fucking pot...in a way the decision was in his hands first...his requirements needed to be met....sadly he did not meet them so from there i stood my ground.....divorce will come, its been a long time comin...i have been linin up my ducks...went back to school, got a job..etc. etc......


as for bettering oneself...we always should strive to do that throughout our lives....learn from our mistakes and move forward....stagnating or moving backwards serves no purpose but to keep us in pain...HOWEVER>>>>>

for newbies....emotions are too raw to make any permanent decisions....take some time to truly discern what you need, want and also learn your own boundaries and more then anyone else...you must enforce the boundaries you put in place....you put them there for a reason....more often then not the reason is sound and needs to be honored...

remembering: i am so sorry that you have had to put your life and decisions on hold because of his diagnosis of cancer...we have another member here who had to do that as well, only it was not cancer but alzeiheimers...and she chose to stay within the marriage....and i have to say...a few times in the past months when my ws (pfm) had some medical issues i actually told him out loud he better be fine...i do not want him being diagnosed with anything serious pushin the impending divorce
even further back...


timelines: i wanted one and needed it...through it i saw more lies....his time line actually held contradictions...needless to say i never got an accurate one nor a complete one...quite a few addendums to the original....which is laughable....anyways...my ws never stepped up the way i had now required him to do so...so he did not meet my requirements, my new boundaries....so walla....a decision he actually made for me....


laura...you mentioned so many oldies...so many we have not seen here in quite a while.....i hope they have all found some sort of peace.....i miss them...but am happy for them if they have been able to move on....like strong...who last checked in that she was engaged as was nell.....those are the bestest check "ins"...


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 6038 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, nice to see Laura here. iwam, you are sounding (reading) better, and that is reason for another I am not exactly sure why, but I like when Razor drops in here to post.

Speaking if unheard from oldies, I often think if m334455 and hope that she is doing ok.

Friday I attend a family wedding where stepdaughter who banned me from her house will be there with her husband and new baby. FWW's xh and his family will be there, most know of the A. BIL who for sure was EA (sexting and phone sex) and probably PA will be there, at same table as me for reception. No support or comfort from FWW, she is looking to me for support.

While I know FWW is trying, this is just been proof that there is no happy future for us. For the last couple months she has been sick, or crabby, or overwhelmed and distant. A couple of times I expressed disagreement over her plans or spending on this wedding and she unloaded on me, just like the old days. We last had sex in March. She plans trips to visit her father or daughter (the one where I am not welcome), but never plans anything for us.

If it were not for kids in college (2 now), I would pull the plug and file for D. No reason my boys should be penalized for my bad decisions, but once I am down to one in school I really don't see this M lasting more than a couple if more years. Like so many others, post dday M is not bad, it just is not good.

ETA, my life is not so negative as this post. Older son at UF is on Deans List, younger son graduated summa cum laude from HS. After wedding I am on travel for 12 days attending and presenting at 2 conferences. Except for my M, my life is quite good. I just miss sex.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:39 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4118 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LAURA!!!!!

So good to see you!

ATS: Sorry FWW continues to disappoint.

Razor: Agree completely with your assessment of the meaning behind "I don't remember".

Wishing well to you all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2168 | Registered: Nov 2009
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remembering - my H and I had literally just walked in the door from the doctor's visit that would confirm his cancer diagnosis when the phone rang...

His diagnosis is not why I stayed. My H asked me to consider R with him months before. However, the reality for him is knowing that the AP would not,is not capable of or willing to be the person that will stand beside him through this journey.

Once he is better and back to his old self we will see if the promise of "making it up to me" will come through or just go back to his old selfish self...in the meantime I am working on myself and what I want out of the rest of life

Facing a traumatic and life threatening illness like cancer, often times forces individuals to take stock of their lives. My H is human and as you can read in my posts, he still goes into jerk mode. No matter what the future holds for our M, I hope he kicks cancer's ass!

Continue making progress in your healing. All the best to you.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 412 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merida
how do you feel about building the complete timeline with a LTA?........
I've asked him for a complete timeline by end of June. I have a really really really rough draft as of now and WH saying "I don't remember" when I've ask about narrowing some events (like "business trips") down to the week it occurred.
My situation was much like ThreeYearFool. Mr UKg is crap at remembering dates. The last time he fucked MOW was on her bíday (nice presentÖ.) but Ė couldnít remember the date. Yeh, right. Known her for a total of 9-10yrs and didnít know her bíday. So I texted her and she said he must remember as it is the day before DS#3ís bíday. He still didnít know which didnít surprise me in the least. So when it came to the affair, I wasnít that surprised he didnít remember specifics, but I was conscious of the fact that he was going to minimise and lie unless I put things to him as fact. So, I did him a timeline Ė significant events, holidays we went on, stuff the boys were doing, anniversaries, weddings, job changes, car changes, etc. I trawled old bank & credit card statements, diaries, special receipts, photos, etc. The only things I left out were dates I knew he had been with fuckface slurrypants. Those I kept to myself. Not to trap him, but to see what did tally. After about three months he hadnít done it (fear/avoidance). So I went away and did the 180. When I got back, heíd done it. Sort of.

What I needed, apart from the ďbookendsĒ, was to know just how deep this affair went. Of course I found out it was much more than I had suspected. But only you know how much you want to know. You canít unknow it once it is out there.

And as has been said by others, itís difficult to remember when a) you donít want to, b) it was so long ago and c) it covers months and years of deception.


Laura:

After 4 years.
I still hate the bitches and wish they were dead.
Yep. Um, thinking about itÖÖ..
Nope, canít change that, still wish she was dead.

And may your life be lighter with OW on the other side of the world. If she is moving back to Coventry, Iíll throw out bad karma bombs in her direction every time I go past. She'll get hit one day.

BTW, Iím also an intelligent, classy, well educated woman who says ďfuckĒ a lot. And plenty of other words more often heard in a menís changing room.


Krsplat

If you have so little invested, and could truly take or leave your Ms and WHs, why do you stay? Convenience? Hope that it will get better? Why settle for blah when a better life might be found without him?
I had (stupidly) invested my whole life in this marriage before d-day. I had a lot to lose. Initially, I stayed for the boys. Now I stay because fWH is alright as a companion. Heís good company. He warms me up in bed if Iím cold. He can cook. He earns good money..... is that a reason to stay? Well, I would rather be less than happy but reasonably comfortable than less than happy and poor. Which I would be.

He has lied to me for so long that I really donít care any more. Just lately (and I mean the last 6mths or so) he has been trying. But I know that if MOW contacts him and he thinks he can get away with not telling me, then he wonít tell me. If we win the lottery (we wonít Ė we donít play it) then I would leave him. Meanwhile, I make no promises and I certainly donít expect him to keep any he may give.


Remembering,
How did you find out about your WHís affair Ė by letter or did he confess? And is it the case that you found out 10yrs after, or that it had been going on for 10yrs? Has his cancer diagnosis got anything to do with you finding out? Just a bit confused, thatís all.


miracle, sound newbie advice as always.


Ats,
sorry things donít seem to be going that well at the moment. I think the LTA spouse has learned behaviour that is impossible to change. I know fWH misses the attention and being told he is great. I find it very difficult to be the ďpartnerĒ person I was before. I know a big part of the affair was bathing in the light from MOWís eyes. He never had reason to feel unloved or unappreciated Ė he had it in bucketloads from both of us. And nowÖ.. I canít do it. I feel trashy and fake, whereas before I felt I was being supportive. Sad really. Lately, instead of telling him heís doing fine at work, I said ďjack it in, resign, retire.Ē And yet I know that is NOT what he wants to hear. I donít feel I can bolster his fragile ego any more. Heís got to find it from withinÖ.. and yet he doesnít have it and looks to me for strength. Seems a downward path. Maybe we all need a good long holiday. Suggestions on a postcard.....


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3443 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Pudding
♀ Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this thread. Last Saturday! I thought I was dealing with an ONS 7 years ago, which resulted in an OC. Sunday, after 4 years TT, I learnt I was dealing with a 10 year LTA, which stared about 18 months before we got together and continued on and off through the OC , through our marriage ( they had sex 2 days before we were married and 6 days after) and IP until July last year! although she was pestering for more.

I had always had a niggle there was something more than just the ONS and used to get so wound up with the I can't remember story and she was just a good friend line. I suspected that they did more than have lunch together, but had no proof until it all came out at the weekend. It's a shock etc. But now I know for a fact what I had always feared, I feel calmer and at last I feel I can believe him.

He has gone NC, which is winding her up no end but we are maintaining NC. I have had a lawyers letter served and have copied the OWH in on some emails I found ( although he seems not to care and has happily raised the OC all along, knowing the truth).

He says that it started as a a bit of fun (pre me) and he never stopped. It was always just the sex when they are travelling for work together and nothing emotional. The emails I found refers to being fuck buddies. He claims he tried to stop the relationship, but that she always threatened to tell me if he didn't have sex with her. Over the years, she has become besotted and obsessed with him. She's wanted him to play a part in OCs life, but he has refused, she gets tearful, threatens to tell me and then they had sex.

I am pleased that at long last he has told me the truth I have suspected for a long time and has stood up to her and now feel that it really is over. It is going to be a hard road ahead. He is going to have a tough job showing me that I can trust him again and he is going to have to sustain that for years and years. I don't know if I can trust him again, but I want to. We are so compatible and well suited to each other. In spite of everything I love him so much and want to make it work .It just the sex with him and there was no EA on his part. It would seem that for at least 4 or 5 years she was blackmailing him to have sex with her (far fetched???) and now he has stood up to her and come clean to me.

It seems extraordinary to be relieved to know the truth, given what that truth is, but I am. He says he too is relieved to have told me the truth at last.

I am giving him 3 months to see if he really has changed before I close the file at the lawyers. After 3 months, I may still file,or may leave it another 3 months until in know for sure.

We are starting MC. Next week and he is now reading here and books on affairs and infidelity. He is answering all my questions and trying hard to make me feel safe.

I am trying to put it in context. It was sex about 100 times in 10 years compared to our rate of about 100 times in 6 months. I have the whole of him, the companionship, the love, the shared interests, the looking after his dying mother, his teaching my kids to drive, sense of humour, etc etc. Putting it bluntly, she just had his penis. She became obsessed with someone who couldn't care less about her or the OC. We have only ever argued about this one topic and are compatible on everything else. Apparently, they constantly argued.

I am interested to hear from anyone else who has successfully survived and LTA with tips on how they did it.

At the moment, I am building up a trust bank. I have "fined" him 20,000 points (200 per shag) and he is having to earn 20,000 points to wipe the slate clean. He earns them by showing he is reformed and I can trust him, so 5 points for brining me back proof of where he was at an external meeting yesterday and 20 points for sending the NC letter. I feel this is a way for him to win me back and redress the damage he has caused.

I am also recording whenever we have sex . I am determined that he his going to have to work back. He shagged her 100 time, he is now going to shag me 100 times before she is wiped out. It sure won't take us 10 years.

I really hope I am not being naive. In other threads, people have told me I need to walk away, he'll never change, he's lied to me for the whole of our relationship, I need to get real etc. But I feel it is worth three months more to see if there is hope. After all she was just a fuck buddy and we have a relationship. It is a flawed relationship, but I am hopeful we can build on it and in time it will be stronger than ever without flaws.


Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pudding, honey, I'm afraid this might be bigger than you think. He only f*ed her because she was blackmailing him? Sounds unlikely to me. And given that he took 10 years to tell you anything, I might not be so sure that he's told you everything. That "100" times might really be 1000.

What are you going to do about the OC? If it's really his, he is OBLIGATED to play a part in that child's life and to support him or her financially. The fact that he has so far refused to do so is horrid.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you going to do about the OC? If it's really his, he is OBLIGATED to play a part in that child's life and to support him or her financially. The fact that he has so far refused to do so is horrid.
Oh, wow, krsplat, I don't agree with this at all. I don't feel this is being supportive of Pudding, either. The BH in this situation has accepted this child as his own. He is the father for all intents and purposes.

Pudding, your WH is not OBLIGATED to play a part in the OC's life.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9544 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Greetings to all you fine young ladies and gentlemen of the LTA house.

ATS.

Mrs. ATS always has a hard time with these wedding, family reunions, vacations and trips. Lots of stress for her. Stress is not good for the BPD. It sets them off in the wrong direction. It happens at my house too. I hope you make it through the wedding o.k. It is nice to hear the good news about your boys.

Laura.

I like the shirt. Miracle brings up a very important point. We need a update concerning the fucking ducks. Inquiring minds need to know about these matters.

Miracle.

You did what you thought was best for your kids. It may seem that your efforts have not worked out for the best. Hang in there. They are still children and have a lot of growing up to do.

You asked for a Mrs. Dip update so here goes. She is doing pretty good considering all she is going through. Chemo & radiation is not much fun. She has had a better go of it than many do, so she is fortunate in that way. It has been much better than I was expecting. This was a early detection situation so the outlook is pretty good.

She has had a few meltdowns. A couple of mid-major and one very major blowup. Very ugly and vile. I said something that she took wrong and the shit hit the fan, big time!! It got so stupid that I laughed a few times. Of course that was not too bright on my part. You can't argue with a sick mind but you sure as hell should not laugh at one when they are having a raging shit fit. She did tell me over and over the next day that she was sorry. I do know that this was a mixture of all the drugs, stress and her BPD. I will say that she has constantly bragged to all that I have been the best caretaker a person could be. She is right. I am good at this. Ouch! I just hurt my shoulders patting myself on the back.

Razor.

I once saw something written about the memory and affairs. It went something like this. On D-day the WS tries to forget everything that happened while the BS tries to "remember" all that they do not know.

Well crap. I am out of time so I will have to sign off and just say hugs to the tribe.
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 755 | Registered: Sep 2009
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pudding, your WH is not OBLIGATED to play a part in the OC's life.

This ^ 100%!!!

I have never had my kids tested to see if I am their biological father - there is a small chance I am not. If I am not and OM is, I would spend ever dollar I have on lawyers to keep him away from my kids. Your WH should not try to become involved in OC's life at this point.

Pudding, my WW cheated on me from the very beginning before our marriage, I know how hard that is to deal with. I wish you strength and I love the trust bank accounting that you have set up.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 473 | Registered: Nov 2012
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi pudding and welcome to the LTA corner. We are a quieter and more understanding bunch down here. The first thing you have to realise is that the LTA WS is a different animal. Lying has become a way of life. The affair has become routine and woven into their life Ė and so our lives too. Generally, the WS doesnít want to leave their spouse. They donít want to carry on the way they are but they canít see a way out of it. And so what we donít know, they reckon does no harm. They donít think about d-day because itís not going to happen. And yet they know that the longer it goes on for, the worse it will be when it does all come out.

You sound as if you have analysed and laid out your path for reconciliation. All lines and posts are moveable; try to allow for some compromise so that you fWS doesnít feel you are finding sticks to beat him with.

There is no need to have anything to do with OC if your fWH is comfortable with that. Yes, he may have to pay CS, but he is in no way obligated to co-parent. Given the situation in which the child was conceived, I think the clean break is best.

The excuse for why it went on to become a LTA: MOW did pretty much the same thing. Or so fWH said. She would threaten to tell me so he would see her. And yes, stay the night or meet her at a hotel, or have a few days break with her. Not sure I believe that. I rather think it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. If she went quiet, WH would start to worry, contact her to ask how she was and Ė bingo. Off they went again. I see that you h ad a break from SI of several months and have come back with d-day3 (4?). Iím not sure what advice you are seeking, so Iím just going to ramble on a bit.

I donít think you have ever been given the whole picture. It could be that your WH was simply placating OW in the hope that he could keep her at bay and in the box where she belonged. It could be that they have been seeing each other. And it could be that they had resumed the affair and taken it underground. If someone wants to have an affair Ė they will. There is nothing YOU can do to stop them. All you can do is give consequences and be prepared to carry out those consequences. Is your WH still in a position to work with OW, or did that stop when he changed jobs? I see red flags here. I donít think the affair stopped for long. I donít think you do know it all now. But of course, I could be wrong.

If njgal swings by, she can give you the low down on how she has made her marriage work again after the LTA. Most of us settle for something that was less than before, but thatís almost inevitable after years of deceit. It takes as many years as it takes. 2-5 is the standard, with the LTAers taking longer. Nothing was spared as sacred or precious in a LTA, so everything has to be built again from the ground up.

You can try and have more sex with the idea that your numbers are higher, but itís not a competition. ďIíve done it more times than youĒ would never really work for me. As for the figure of 100ÖÖ whoís counting, and why? I would feel as though I had lowered myself to the same level and brought it down to base sex. And itís not about the sex. He may say it is/was, but itís not. Itís about dysfunction and issues, itís about lack of boundaries and moral standards, itís about self esteem and selfishness. Sex is only a small part of it, although it becomes major in our eyes. These LTAs are relationships that develop past the initial lust and limerence.

I donít get the trust bank debt either. When will you consider the ďfineĒ paid? Have you thought about what happens after? Does this mean he gets a free pass? I donít see the logic in ďrewardingĒ with points or gold stars when he is simply doing what he should have done all along. Trust takes a long time to build and only a few seconds to destroy. It is often five steps forward and three back. And your WH has continued to abuse your trust. He has to SHOW you he has changed. He can pretend so he gets the points, but itís the consistency that matters. Being an open book with no hidden corners. Transparency and no lying by omission.

I think the most important thing is to get OW out of your life as much as is possible. To have MC for as long as you need it. IC too for him to aid his recovery and so yours as well.

No one can tell you what to do. We can only offer advice and support. We all heal in different ways and at different rates. But I will say this: you canít force or punish or carrot him back into the marriage. He has to want to be with you Ė and willingly. Otherwise no amount of fining, punishment, repeated demand or any of that will result in a successful reconciliation.

Itís a long road.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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