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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((april)))) oh my gosh, a brand new baby and filing for "d"...are you sure???? you are so raw and worse with a new baby your emotions are i am sure all over the place.....someone once said...never ever make decisions from a place of pure emotion....make decisions when your head is clear, or as clear as it could be, when you have had time to think it all over with a rational head as opposed to an emotional......

of course there are always exceptions to every rule....

i am so so sorry for your pain, and i hope you can take some solace and some joy from your new baby....


(((ukgirl))))...yes i agree ukgirl...at this point why torture yourself...your sich is likely to remain as it is now....and life is too short....if you could possibly find a way to let "her" go....holding on and checking will never bring you any peace....and unfortunately i don't think your checking will also ever bring you the answers you seek one way or the other....and i feel for you,....to live in that limbo always waiting for that shoe to drop i think would drive me "mad"...


((((marion)))) you are still in process....njgal was too for quite some time...but the good news on your side is that he is trying...he is still i ic and mc...which means your marriage is still a work in progress.....however....i do believe you might also be at a crossroads....if you feel that you will never be able to move on within the marriage then maybe you should consider moving on and ending the marriage....as for your kids...yes it would be hard...

i stayed in my marriage knowing the entire time since 6 months after d-day that i would divorce him....i stayed because of the ages of my kids...here i am 5 years later....and i have lost my kids...i lost the relationships i had with each of them and all of them collectively....had i known then what would happen i would have been better off leaving him then...but i couldn't know this outcome...of all the outcomes i tried to forsee this was one i could not guess at in a million years...and a large part of the mess is "his" fault..he went from being the shit dad to being the fun dad, the dad who became "friends" with his kids...and at their ages it means that they pretty much get to do what they want when they want...i represent structure.....in the long run i know my kids will end up resenting him for his behavior and i will regain my relationships with them...but who knows how long that will take....and ironically i still would make the same decision....why...because i would have always wondered if i did right by my kids....when you are dealing with teens you are always dealing with a complete emotional being who makes mistakes daily, and sometimes those mistakes can be deadly....teens make stupid irrational decisions based on their immediate emotion....and i dont think i could live with those possible consequences....

if only we could have a crystal ball that works so that we could see how the decisions we make will turn out .....so the best that we can do is look ahead and "try" to see all outcomes...and choose the path of least regret....we cannot always have the luxury of no regret...but we most certainly can have the least regret possible...


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i stayed because of the ages of my kids

And a damn good reason no matter today.. You did it and I can admire you greatly.

Iwant.. Go have some fun .. Go have some fun..

For the newbies.. You can get to peace...



Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat
...my wife at any time can do what she wishes.. have another A.. not love me.. her choice not mine. I will never be hurt again like once. It will be only temporary pain.

Trynhard, how does this work? What did you do to get to this place? If my WH has another A, it might literally kill me. I am willing to believe that I too can get back some peace and a new life, with or without my WH. But the "how" of that seems very far beyond my reach right now.

This is how… It is going to be YOU making the choice, a decision, a change.

You are in grief. You be positive.. I am going to get out of this grief. I don’t know when or even how, but I am going to get out. I am going to try many different things until if figure this out.

I am going to strengthen me. Nobody can help me, I can only help myself.

People can hurt me. I accept this. Pain is part of life. This pain will make be far better because I choose that. I choose not to let weakness overtake me. And I have no clue when my pain will end nor any expectation of when.

You are going to seek to be most quality in every way. Read books.. listen to talk shows, post on sites, internets sites, attend counseling, group meeting with others in pain.. a refuge in a faith.

Being quality means everything.. and it is endless in search. If you fail, you get back up and start again.

It is being positive, being nice, giving to others, saying word of love.. build others up.. even people who betrayed you.. If they are not abusing you.. it is not enabling.. it is getting in shape.. no addictions.. no wasteful spending.. take some time and I did a survey a while back.. find it on LTA board and live it.. You cannot be ridiculed when you behave the best you can.. You are coming from a position of strength…

This like.. I am going to raise my status inside my family, my community.. MC is running for State House.. A very prestigious position.. Iwant got educated.. A nurse I believe.. a position of great values.. You are going do this by maybe joining a group… be it charity or garden club.. whatever you might have interest. You not going to just sit around..

And LEARN THIS.. LTA involves our enabling in some way.. NEVER AGAIN. You must identify how you enabled. What did you put up with? You, with courage never again accept it.. you do things different this time.. no matter your fear.. you ignore fear. Learn enabling behavior YOU had and never again. I am willing and able to ignore my fears and end any relationship for bad behaviors.. BLOOD, Marriage or casual friendships.. It does not matter. That is my new strength I have.

I only got strength when I made it about ME.. and nobody else.

Forgive.. learn it.. read about it.. DO IT. Forgiving can be with or without you H. It does not mean you be around that person. It is more along the lines.. I understand that persons failures and I cannot, nor do not have any control,,, but can only hope that person changes.

If you are still with your H.. Sex.

The common man is affirmed by sex. You make it fun for him every time. You don’t just take it.. you participate every time. You initiate sometimes. A must. You might not feel like sex.. You had better be ready to affirm you man in a way that he will not be offended. Rejection to sex is the greatest offense to men no matter they admit it not. I am not saying you let a pig control you either. A man who wants a three way.. run away.. statistics say that is very damaging beyond repair. If you are tired.. you make yourself un-tired.. There are statistics for the average.. every man has different sexuality.. and a good open conversation should take place. A man has responsibility too for the role he plays. You can teach him.. I need words, I need touch, I need warming up way in advance.. hours or even days.

If you have a man with no sex desire.. YOU have a problem. You might need to eliminate him from your life because he may not be able to tell you his issue. It is his issue, not yours. Gay men hide in fear.. If they are not attracted to you is this way.. Not much you can do.. Accept it with courage and strength unless you are ok with not having sex yourself because you value security or other attractive behaviors outweigh sex to YOU.

Always come at things from love.. a loving point of view. And know we are all only human and emotions happen. Learn to control those.. awareness.. I am just going to listen right now.. I am going to take a step back and think on that.

Take a new position on life.. I am always going to look at myself first before I react. People are going to start reacting to me because I am most quality in every way..

Conflict.. I have made many post on a method.. most State the misperception, state it in a way that can place your man in the thoughts of your mind as if reversed roles… Say what you want firm.. Reset back to safety.. Go find books an post how to conflict in a healthy way while in realationships.

Just be most quality and work hard at it.. Admit.. You know, I could have done things different perhaps.. If you cannot think of different things where some of this might fall on you.. THEN RUN AWAY.. the person you are M cannot be in a M.. it happens.

Know this.. 1 of 3 men in this world and 1 of 3 women make for the best relationships.. You can find them.. But be patient.. a person will not show the real self until after about 2 years.. But if you are happy in your own skin because you hold status.. you love yourself. You won't need a relationship to complete you..

Always view your relationships as people wanting.. WANTING to join you.

Those are a few right off the top of my head..


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are still with your H: Sex. The common man is affirmed by sex. You make it fun for him every time. You don’t just take it. you participate every time. You initiate sometimes. A must. You might not feel like sex.. You had better be ready to affirm you man in a way that he will not be offended. Rejection to sex is the greatest offense to men no matter they admit it not. If you are tired.. you make yourself un-tired...

Ummm... no. I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I totally disagree. HE is the one who made sex un-special by f*ing someone else all those years. HE is the one who has grossed me out by putting my sexual health at risk. HE turned ME off by acting out. So if sex is going to happen, HE is going to have to work his ass off to make ME interested again. I was rejected, thrown away. So HE will be making overtures, not me.

And before we even get there, HE will be the one doing most of the work to make ME feel safe enough to get anywhere close to vulnerable.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 389 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe, just popped in. My life is crazy these days.

Ummm... no. I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I totally disagree. HE is the one who made sex un-special by f*ing someone else all those years. HE is the one who has grossed me out by putting my sexual health at risk. HE turned ME off by acting out. So if sex is going to happen, HE is going to have to work his ass off to make ME interested again. I was rejected, thrown away. So HE will be making overtures, not me
.
^^^makes sense on the short run. But at some point in R you have to get back to (or get to for the first time) a mutually rewarding and affirming relationship.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 897 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn and mcjack: lighten up boys...krsplat is a NEWBIE....she had only learned of her ws's behavior a couple of months ago...none of the advice you 2 have given her belongs at this stage for her....when she well over a year out...maybe and only if her ws steps up and does what she now requires and what she needs him to do........


krsplat.....you are 100% correct in that your ws must do the work, especially now....he put your relationship in the ditch it is up to him to get it out....when he makes this right (not that it will ever be right mind you...but he does what he needs to do to build NEW trust and establishes a NEW history)...only then once you finish dealing with the "a" then you deal with what was or is wrong in the marriage...2 totally different entities....and you are a long ways off from being ready to do just that....


((((krsplat))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat.. Sex is a choice.

Your H's actions were the worst of worst in attractions. Not many soles in our universe believes you should be with your husband after this behavior.

When someone lies to us, betrays us, our family, our friends.. and God.. they can change. It is not up to me to see that, only you can decide. And sometimes, even when they can change, it does not mean we must stay with them.

To be most happy, you must make a choice. It does not have to be today, tomorrow, this month or next.. It is up to YOU.

When you love someone.. it is not some feeling.. Feeling are feelings. Love is a choice. When you make the choice to love.. good feelings follow... when you do not love.. bad feelings will follow.

Sex is the love of touch, love of words of affirmation.. When you have this.. good feelings follow. When you don't.. the result will bad feelings. Protected sex is a choice too.

You asked me how I got here. I got here by choice. And my choice did start immediately after I discovered my W's betrayal. It was a choice but does not mean I had my doubts and said I wanted to end it.. It was my feelings talking to me. I had feelings to end it but never acted on those feelings.. briefly a few times for a few days I acted.. but never completed them.. But Iwant made her choice quickly too. Right Iwant? But making a choice can wait too.. You do it my way knowing and risking rejection again.

I will not love a woman who does not love me by choice.

I have the strength to forgive while staying in my M. I could also equally have the strength to forgive in D.

I will not love any person in marriage who I cannot give complete love.

This is a value that protects me and my own feelings.

I think you can make a choice at any time.. I choose to end my grief.

It can be by ending my M. It can be by keeping my M and doing everything a M is suppose to be. Anything else is limbo. Limbo = Misery.

We fear those choices when it is best to ignore the fear and act with courage..

So if sex is going to happen, HE is going to have to work his ass off to make ME interested again.
So is he?

I think a person who sinned like this tend to come in two ways...

1) They do everything to make up their sin.. even forgive themselves.
2) They fake R in fear.

Men who betrayed W's that enter the group I am in are taught exactly what you said..
They become stellar..(Hundreds of behaviors) most quality first... in patients.. love is patient. MONTHS.. (You can be patient to see, vision, listen to him) Every behavior must change to be attractive to the one they betrayed.

And if they are patient, they can attract the W back who they betrayed. I have seen it.

But sometimes, A W cannot forgive. They are unable for all kinds of reasons. And yes, justified. If this is the case with your H and you, we encourage the H to add pressure until the W has had.. enough. The W will then have the courage to leave. Their choice, not the betrayed spouse. And if the betrayed W does not love, it is their choice, not the betrayed H. A H can then understand the consequences of a sin and sometimes this means you are not forgiven by the one you offended even though you work on knowing you made your restitution.. The H should go in peace.

There are also men who come in Fake. They defend their bad behaviors, they blame their Wives.. They are unable to love the way they should and just cannot do it. They cannot take the pressures we give them and leave our group.. likely only to find some other woman to betray.. to treat unfairly.. in total selfishness. Stats say 1/3 of men are this way.

You must be wise now.. and learn to see who these 1/3 men are. Perhaps the kind of man you picked. I could list behaviors because I have seen these behaviors. They are lengthy.

And you have other choices too. My Grandmother accepted a mistress for security. No sex, no complete love in that relations other than perhaps like friends. You can also make that choice. My grandmother lived her life.. I want to say happy.. but not complete happiness. It can be done. If that is YOUR choice. Then know the choice and be happy in that choice. I choose no more romantic love in my life. The love I get will be the joy with my kids, grandkids, and friends and those who want to be loving to me.. I sacrifice romantic love in my life.

When you make this kind of choice, you must know the typical man needs sex in a far different way than perhaps a woman can understand. You must let him go have a bimbo.. let him live his life in sin, his choice, not yours. You cannot control him nor should you try. You accept it in exchange for other reason. You be faithful to yourself and you can be happy. A M person does not have sex outside M. Like one strong man here did during his D process. He choose no relationship, no sex. A good man does this..7years.. a quality man does this. One who will be a great catch for a woman who needs one.

You have read about men have affair for sex while a woman has an affair emotional.

It is not that women don't want sex just as much as a man...but we cannot and should not deny a gender difference. If a man is not giving his woman the emotional words, behaviors.. etc. she just does not want to have sex with him.

Yet a man can visually see that vagina and want it.. and it can be A up or A down. A women typically does not just look at a penis and think.. I want that. A typical woman needs different things.. An example might be perhaps like a country singer.. a man who writes beautiful songs and then looks at the body second.. an emotional attractions based on behavior.. Then a M woman who does not have this type man might seems to then want sex with that kind of man.

If you man is not being stellar, he either does not know how, or he just not a good quality man.

Your choices make.. Grieving comes is stages and can last for years. It is up to us as individuals to try our best to end it. Our choice, not anyone else.

We must be wise to see things.. Like H who are not able or unwilling to change..

If your H is not giving you want you need, then I encourage YOU to change... make a choice so your grief can end. You make the choice and everything YOU do will be toward ending it.. in a process.. by talking it out.. sharing.. reading.. changing.. GET IT OUT.. by talking.. find a good listener.. someone to help you like here..

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:50 AM, May 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
marion
♀ Member
Member # 33625
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle...thank you for responding....yes, a crossroads sounds right...wish i had a crystal ball to help guide the way....i wish you peace ...I so admire your strength and courage every day..
trynhard...thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this group...
..i am so tired I often don't have the energy to even write what i am feeling and yet, because you and so many others do, i have gained insight and perspective....i am still processing all that you have each shared and trying put it all together in a way that makes sense for us....given the fact that we didn't share with anyone other than MC, my support system is limited so listening here helps so much...i can only hope and pray to pay it forward....
(krsplat)...thinking of you as move forward...the only advice i have can offer is that just taking one day at a time and living in the exact moment...enjoying the smallest pleasures (for me...a cup of coffee and a sunrise) can help shift your perspective a little bit at a time...
Thanks for listening...
Marion

Posts: 106 | Registered: Oct 2011
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 26th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat- I totally understand where you are coming from. In order to have sex with my H, I have to feel safe in the relationship. That reassurance will take time and may not ever come. The physical bond that we pledged to hold only to each other was broken.

My H shared himself in an all out relationship with another woman. At times I felt like the other woman, as though I was intruding in their M.

The choice to R means that I will do the work to let go of the resentment. I choose not to forgive the behaviors that my H willingly chose that have forever blemished my life.

In order to be sexually attracted to someone, I have to be physically and romantically attracted to him. At this stage, I am neither toward my H. This wound is so deep that my former feelings for my H have long died. I am now trying to let the man that he says he is working hard to become into my heart.

Time will tell.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat.. It is only fair I share you my grief in the beginning.. I am now I think 7 years out and how I got here in theory.

The first 90 days I cried every day for 90 days. Sometimes 2-3-4 and 5 times. I could not focus on my job and it suffered. But, I had a friend to talk to often. I found SI to lean on about 4 months out. The IC I had could not help me much during this time. It was not enough time with him.

4 months out I waited for OM to shoot him and drive my car through his office. My friend happened to call me on my cell and I told him what I was going to do.. he stopped me. I left my wife for 4 days to live with him calling it the end. She called me wanting me to try one more time.

She was most sorry, apologies.. etc. but was also an emotional wreak.

5 months out a panic attack. First one in my life.

6 months out signed up for Retrouvaille and that might have saved my life. I was on vacation and drinking on a balcony. I wanted to throw myself over but kept remembering Retrouvaille (to go at 8 months out) could help me and kept thinking my kids would hate me, be shamed, etc.. A coward thing to impose on my kids… but it would be payback to my wife knowing she would need to live with this the rest of her life.

Those are just moments.. in time.. feelings I had.. I hated myself.

Retrouvaille was my idea and my doing. In my mind if she did not want to go, then I would D. Her choice, not mine.

At 6 months out I got a faith based IC along with my medical IC. I was on AD’s at the time. My faith based IC pulled me out.. Retrouvaille was the beginning that pulled me out.

What you are in is called the pain of end. Please know this.. the pain of end does also end. It comes with what YOU do…

6 months was hell, after Retrouvaille was OK.. 2 years better, 3 years about same.. 4 years a little better but could not get over the hump until I went into therapy. This man is a sex therapist, a Christian, who teaches men to be most attractive and masculine. He taught me to love myself.

So last night, my W’s OM came on TV as he does so often. I watched him.. he says things he is not who I know. I have no idea if he changed nor do I care. I had the remote and changed the channel. I did not do it for me, I did it for my wife. I did not want her to feel any shame.. or guilt.. and I am ok with her having any good feelings about her boyfriend, sex partner.. if she has those feelings too. It is more about today.

She is loving me, not him today. And she is always free to find another man if she wants. I will see it this time because my therapist taught me. The typical person cannot love two people at the same time in the way I now know love today. A LTA is far easier to see… because your spouse will not be doing certain things. And you might have many questions about what are these things.

Many of us have different stories.. My medical IC kept saying 3 years.. yes that might be true but he did not teach me to change myself. So I found someone that did teach me to behave different. And the basic theme was.. look at yourself first. Improve yourself despite your ego is saying to comfort you.. Nobody is perfect and it is endless to get there.. but you can be far better than the typical to protect yourself.. Be most quality.. and don't think you were perfect, because if you were.. you would have forced your spouse out of your life before they left you..
when you know how to be most quality it will be attractive and you will have the ability only then to conflict in a safe way, add pressures, so they then know your strength, which is attractive.. . Eliminate those in your life who behave badly. Turn to your faith and your good will come. We all have some of this strength... but make it more and better.. and when you get there.. You know 100% you did the best you could do and YOU will love yourself for that accomplishment. And when you fail, you get going again and again..

My suggestion is to seek a refuge in your faith. Looking back, that is #1 how I got here today. #2 was my ability and effort to change who I WAS..

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:49 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard - Thank you for the additional insight into how you became the you of today. I too was prepared to end my life by throwing myself off the balcony of a cruise ship. The pain of "the end" was intolerable. But I am not a coward, I am not afraid of the future. Why was it that I did not turn to my God to help me?

So I found someone that did teach me to behave different. And the basic theme was.. look at yourself first. Improve yourself despite your ego is saying to comfort you.. Nobody is perfect and it is endless to get there.. but you can be far better than the typical to protect yourself.. Be most quality.. and don't think you were perfect, because if you were.. you would have forced your spouse out of your life before they left you..
when you know how to be most quality it will be attractive and you will have the ability only then to conflict in a safe way, add pressures, so they then know your strength, which is attractive

^^^^ This is what I am attempting to achieve.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This wound is so deep that my former feelings for my H have long died. I am now trying to let the man that he says he is working hard to become into my heart.

Once again, we're in the same place having the same thoughts.


Sometime I look at my WH, and feel like I am looking a stranger. Who the hell ARE you?! Certainly not the rock solid guy I counted on. Not the Eagle Scout everyone admires for being "Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, and Kind." (Nasty sarcastic note: scouts also promise to be "morally straight." HOW can he go to meetings and mouth those words without vomiting?!) Not the good, wholesome family man that our friends and family think he is. Not my husband. Nope, that guy is dead.

Now I just live with this stranger who is mostly nice to me, but whom I do not love or trust. Waiting to see what happens.

[This message edited by krsplat at 9:42 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 389 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out there on the general pages, I keep reading about "affair season" and thinking that it must be nice to only have a few months out of the year that belong to your WS and the AP. Lately I have feeling totally overwhelmed by the thought of SO MANY YEARS that have ripped out of my life and my memories. It literally doubles me over in pain sometimes.

And yet there are those of you on this thread who have survived! I just can't see how. I keep reading what you all write, and I still can't see it, but I'm trusting that you are right. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and moving toward healing. I don't cry EVERY day any more, and there are no balconies in my future. But it's SO. FREAKING. HARD.

Thannks for being the people who "get it."

[This message edited by krsplat at 11:10 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)]


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 389 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 yrs since Dday came and went last week. No issues at all. My D will be final in a little over a month and things are going great.


I posted this to say that whether you D or R things get better. LTA's are soul "snuffers". They are so devastating it feels like it destroys your soul but your soul is still in there. It comes back bit by bit each day. It comes back whether your WS is remoresful or unremorseful. Either way the key is to focus on you. Your WS either will do the work or they won't. At the end of the day the only thing you can control is yourself. Focusing on you pumps the bellows fanning your soul. There is no easy way around this, in fact the only way is through it. You may have no idea what the destination is right now but always keep moving forward. Your WS either keeps up or gets left behind.

After Dday I couldn't stop thinking about the A. If I did it was for a few minutes at most. Now the opposite is true. I think about everything BUT the A and my stbxww. I still have to deal with her because we have kids but I am the King of MEH when it comes to her. I focus on things I want to do now and I am genuinely enjoying life. Some of us get new M's after the hard work is done post Dday. Others don't get new M's but we still have to do the hard work to emerge from the ashes of the old M and keep moving forward. My M is gone but I got my life back. Whichever path you take the key is focusing on you and figuring out what you want. You won't have a full blown plan in the beginning. You know how to eat a 800lb bear...one bite at a time. That's how you get through. Ask yourself what do you want this week, this day, this hour and go do it. The key is starting even if it is a day or hour at a time. It's okay if the answer to the question changes from day to day. Eventually those decisions build on each other and you are well on your way to healing.

It really does get better people. It's hard to see it now when you are in the middle of the shitstorm but it DOES get better. You will look up and your SI join date will be a few years in the past. Contrary to popular belief time has NOT stopped so get started figuring out what you want and go for it.

I wish everyone the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1924 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat

Can a man change his sexuality? Most certianly.

It is up to yourself to be most quality.. And you can do that by reading as much books, listening to great shows, talking to other qualtiy women etc.. That is what YOU can do.. But you must be most wise right now.

Our parents typically are not able to teach us men.. we men learn through other men.. perhaps on our own throught porn.. maybe a few other things.

It is up to us as men to be most quality. You cannot make any man be quality.

I am going to make a statement.

engaged almost daily in stuff like rape fantasies and slave sex.

Your man is sick. He has a mental sexual sickness. Normal healthy men will NEVER do this.

You both are in great fear right now.. rightly so. Perhaps as a quality woman yourself.. You can make a suggestion to him. It might be no different than my recommending Retrouville to my W.

Challenge your man..

Every Man's Battle Workbook: The Path to Sexual Integrity Starts Here (The Every Man Series)

You can suggest he take vacation and attend a workshop.

Let him make the choice.. this is choice.. not a demand.. perhaps the way you feel today might not even matter if he goes or does not go. Perhaps none of this will even matter.

A woman called into Dr. Laura with similiar story and she said RUN. You cannot fix a broken man who thinks "rape" is normal fun sex. She said this kind of behavior is one step from Rape.

Do not call him sick.. He knows it anyway. Let him make his own choice to fix himself. The answer will come to you.

I would never tell anyone to run or stay today.. it is your choice only. No way I am qualified.

After years.. I can only tell you two things..

I think a person who sinned like this tend to come in two ways...

1) They do everything to make up their sin.. even forgive themselves.
2) They fake R in fear.


Posts: 2697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for all the insights posted - I'm still just looking 2 feet in front of me and pumping my legs like hell in attacking this "hill" still so new into it...

how do you feel about building the complete timeline with a LTA? I am still just in so much shock at the "how could I have missed..." this or that or the other that gave him the opportunity to keep his cover and double-life

like the other day I realized in 2011 we had a tractor trailer come crashing through our backyard and destroy our whole fence ...thankfully no one was hurt just massive property damage so a big fat settlement check from the truck company (driver had an expired license etc.)

So here I am with a nine-month old, a 3 year old toddler and kindergartner (oh and step-daughter boomeranging through/staying with us that year after flunking out of college) and fighting with the county to get "traffic calming measures" (islands, speed humps, flex rods - anything to stop the speeding on the road behind our house) installed and giving WH the settle money for a new car... so he can go drive over to the OW's mom's house to fuck before he comes back home to be all great family guy

I keep wondering how much good this whole timeline "understanding" I need since I seem to set myself back for a few days with the whole range of feelings to process it all, but than I feel just as obsessed about not knowing and have a need to know so I can try (and fail?) to make sense of my life with this new reality...

I've asked him for a complete timeline by end of June. I have a really really really rough draft as of now and WH saying "I don't remember" when I've ask about narrowing some events (like "business trips") down to the week it occurred.

Is that normal to not remember when events are more than a few years old? He's described it all as "I was just plodding through life trying not to think much."

Anyhow, I'm not sure how focused I should be on the present vs the past some days in trying to figure out how to deal best with the future is all


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on list


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat
...my wife at any time can do what she wishes.. have another A.. not love me.. her choice not mine. I will never be hurt again like once. It will be only temporary pain
.

Trynhard, how does this work? What did you do to get to this place? If my WH has another A, it might literally kill me. I am willing to believe that I too can get back some peace and a new life, with or without my WH. But the "how" of that seems very far beyond my reach right now.

krsplat.
I think that after having gone thru this once we are tougher than we think we are.

For me. It helped to have a plan B. Figure out the finances and the logistics. Figure out if it makes more sense to just separate permanently or go for the legal divorce. THEN (and this for me was the important part) figure out some plans of what I would like to do. This would be something I could not do while whit WW but something I would like to do or try.

For me plan B is to buy a RV and just take my stuff and leave. Travel from place to place. Stay as long as I would like to then move on.

But YMMV. Without the constraints of staying with your WS. What would you like to do?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep wondering how much good this whole timeline "understanding" I need since I seem to set myself back for a few days with the whole range of feelings to process it all, but than I feel just as obsessed about not knowing and have a need to know so I can try (and fail?) to make sense of my life with this new reality...

I've asked him for a complete timeline by end of June. I have a really really really rough draft as of now and WH saying "I don't remember" when I've ask about narrowing some events (like "business trips") down to the week it occurred.

Is that normal to not remember when events are more than a few years old? He's described it all as "I was just plodding through life trying not to think much."

*not remembering* is pretty much par for the course. WW does it. And Ive heard LOTS of BSs here complaining about the *not remembering* thing. IMO *not remembering* is just another lie. its *damage control*. and not about preventing more pain for us but all about minimizing consequences for the WS. Its a evil and horrible thing to do because continued lies imprison us by preventing us from making smart choices about our life based on reality.

its practically impossible to get beyond the *not remembering* without a threat of a polygraph. Basically I believe my WW will continue to lie as long as she can get away with it. and *not remembering* is a good way to do just that.

How much good will it do? Like any knowledge the good or bad of it comes with how we use it.

Suppose its the worst you can imagine. You are #2. Your WS wants to be with their AP. But you are convenient so they stay. Or whatever is worst for you. Imagine that. NOW what decision would you make if that were the truth?

I think that maybe when we can not ever get the truth. or trust what ever our WS tells us. that maybe assuming the worst and making decisions based on that might be the only way to go. But of course YMMV.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H does the " I don't remember" dance. I used to get really frustrated and think that he was lying or trying to control things. Surely, there are situations when he does this. But, in a 7 - 10 year LTA, it is possible that times are as fluid as in any other relationship.

It has helped me draw a timeline, when I compare memorable moments. For example, Memorial Day 2005. I look at my journal and see what was up on that day. For me, it has been a whole lot more freeing to draw my own timeline. It's not like a ONS where I'd have to question when the debauchery took place.

My suggestion is: Do what is best for you. Trying to apply a broad brush to this mess will make you cray cray.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 27th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To continue on the "I can't remember" thread, my WH has said this as well. Given that he has to be reminded of his own mother's birthday every year -- something he actually WANTS to remember -- I can sort of understand how he doesn't recall key dates in the A.

So I made my own timeline. I found it immensely helpful. I dug through my old texts and journals, as well as information that I had access to only after D-day (credit card statements, hotel and restaurant reservations) to create a list of dates that I could confirm WH was with OW.

I wrote it all by hand. I do pay very close attention to dates, so I could remember what was going on in my life at those points. In some ways it was a relief to know that I wasn't crazy or paranoid, and there were reasons for WH's bad moods that had nothing to do with me.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

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