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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 34
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you all deal with the fact that W's are so good at compartmentalizing? I am still so looking at my WH and going "who are you?"

I really do not like how effectively he was able to create a box and split himself in two like he did = for years. Especially since he left the marriage when I felt my most vulnerable quitting my job to be a SAHM for our 4 year old daughter, two year old daughter, and 4 months pregnant with our son. I guess maybe a year before he left, 2007ish timeframe, I'd spoken with him about how I was having trouble always initiating sex when I've been breastfeeding seems like forever... (only quit due to pregnancy so I counted from 2004 to 2008 at that time)

All I needed was for him to hire an occasional babysitter or something. Invest in some quality time since we had no hope of quantity time. He "felt I no longer desired him" and puts in a CL ad for a meaningless fuck. Well he was right that his childish "come pay attention to me, I have a boo boo" tantrum stuff wasn't desirable when I am taking care of actual kids.

So slap my wrist for calling out my complaint too harsh and his massive timidity-mask /avoidance personality, inferiority complex, midlife FOO-mess did the rest to enable a completely dysfunctional resulting decision by him from a basically otherwise minor blip in a lifetime of marriage (not the greatest sex life raising young kids).

When I expressed my sadness at how I am still piecing together events and it feels like I am in a gallery and looking at a row of paintings with shit now smeared all over them and WH jumps in and says "Oh, don't do that to our past, we still can have good memories. I know I remember all our times as good." I want to scream...

ok, yah, I am doing that torture to myself... but the reality is that he wasn't fully present and now I know why. And I am having a hard time staying positive when I realize how poorly I reacted to his withdrawal. I let him

I accepted his "being tired" from work. Hell I encouraged him to get together with friends on a weekend = you know, give yourself an adult-break = that he would than use as an excuse to get together with the OW since she was dangling the OC obligation in his face.

So I struggle with how he misappropriated my sacrificing our time to give him "space" and my service to our family and he just made it all about his selfish need for "being desired" when obviously no decent human "desires" a cheater.

They desire the fantasy of "taking from you". Like the school yard bully that is insecure and so feels big by picking on the littler kids. Takes their toys and makes them cry. OW is so broken like that...

I'm thinking to myself, of course she would "listen to you" otherwise you would wake up and realize how manipulated you are in an affair fantasy. You think she's giving something to you? Don't you see what she's taking is way more valuable for the nothing you get in return? Your integrity is gone. Your honesty is gone. Your loyalty is gone. Your self-worth is gone. Your soul... adulterer = dummy.

I am fine to offer cheap forgiveness as they know not what they do... but how to I begin to reconcile to be able to see if remorse is present and true genuine healing is possible and I am dealing with a whole person and not just an even more determined and accomplished liar. How can I trust my instinct he realizes how far down he traded? I feel I cannot trust myself let alone my WH.

I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to shut the door to working to reconcile. Bottom line is I am tied to him with young kids so I don't want to be hasty in any decisions we make as it is not just about us at this point.

anyhow = thanks in advance for your thoughts on dealing with rebuilding trust from a LTA reveal

LTA = long term recovery yep, I believe this!


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 213 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merida,

Well said... seems like you have it right.

I can assure you he was not free of guilt or shame. Not possible unless he is a very rare sociopath. You remove a a sociopath from your life.

How to deal with it? You only love and not seek it.

Or you leave and only love others who know how to give reciprocity.

Hard? You bet.


Posts: 2684 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: i do not believe that they live with guilt and shame the same way we would....the truly remorseful ws...yes...but only the truly remorseful...not the one who are just sorry that they got caught, or the ones who are just sorry that they ever started it in the first place..regret does not equal guilt and shame...


anyways.....

compartmentalizing: yes the ws of a lta is sooo good at it...they have to be, it beomes for them a way to survive and even in their own minds thrive with their behavior

most humans compartmentlize to a minimum.....the ws does to a maximum.....it helps them with their inner dialogue....

as for the memories...of course your ws doesn't want you remember the memories as tarnished now...in his mind he was able to separate it and feels you should be able to also....but for the loyal bs, we simply cannot....for now we will wonder, was our ws really present during the occasion, the event or just the day...or was the mind with the ap.....

i liken it to the workaholic......he may be with his family in body but most certainly not in spirit nor mind!!!!

nikki: you ask good questions....but unfortunately you will likely never get the answers you seek...and sadly i could relate....to a certain degree, they are simply put...not capable....to answer the questions and more importantly to figure out those answers for themselves....you can't figure those things out for someone else...he would need to figure it out for himself to be true.....and he may not only not be capable....but he may not want to.....its hard work and its really looking at oneself through a microscope and being able to come to terms with all of his behavior and then he would have to be accountable for what he's done , and be accountable to himself.....its not an easy task, and most do not want to do the work...there are those that will even attempt to do it and cannot, there are those that will "say" they are doing it, and aren't and then there are those that simply do not bother...

so for YOU.....you need to figure out what you "need" now, and you will also how to figure out how to let go....not an easy task....harboring all of your negative feelings will keep you from moving forward with peace in your heart...and its hard and it hurts....but to move past it we need to go through it....and we need to be ever vigilant that while going through it we keep moving in a forward direction.....stagnating in any state that is painful emotionally can end up crippling us....

sometimes its really easy and worse really tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over our heads and hide....it hurts to get out.....but this is KEY.....it doesnt hurt forever.....and the only way to get to the other side is go through it....and keep moving...always moving forward


((((tribe))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:06 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

and i keep on steppin!!!


Posts: 6052 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I am 23 days past d-day and am struggling with this LTA my WH had for 6 years. I want a timeline for every encounter and he says that he has blocked it out!!! I think the contact whether it was P or not is what hurts the worst. I keep thinking it would have been easier if he had a one night or one month A. How do I get the answers I need, the ones he has blocked?


Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle
i do not believe that they live with guilt and shame the same way we would....

It seems to me our minds take this guilt and shame into a mode where we must find a way to defend... Kinda lie to yourself to beleive what you are doing is justified. But deep in everyone's sole they know the truth.

I read an article about comparmentalizing once..

Psychology defines compartmentalization as a defense mechanism, or a coping strategy, which doesnít impart a very good connotation.Put simply, itís how our minds deal with conflicting internal standpoints simultaneously.

A sociopath has no feelings. I think most people can ID this person right away and would never M such a person.

Regret will increase on scale those feelings of shame and guilt. During the A, a person must compartmentalize.. to cope. What I am saying is all those who cheat have bad feelings about thier own behavior.

Merida, what I am saying is I know my W had very horrible feelings during her 2 affairs. I can also now say every cheating man I know also had the same feelings.

They are good at it because our brains are such to cope. It is about thier fears. They fear being single, missing what they valued in the M, D goes against a human condition, perhaps fear damaging the kids, assets splits, or even risk of losing all those good feelings from the love you gave him... a fear of end. Those who can develop into ignoring fears are the strongest type people. A cheater does not have those skills.

Merida is in grief.. the part of questioning.. "Who are you?" You will move through it. So the answer is this.. People comparmentalize to cope. When you can accept it, you move from that phase of grief.

Perhaps more questions also need to be answered as I read your post.. On resonates with me greatly... as defined in a song I posted by Staind.. a song called Please,

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I'm sure that I'm not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you, so please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you're not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't matter to you,
So please

I've swallowed all your insults
I've swallowed all my pride
You used up all your chances
Can't keep this all inside

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you

So please don't be telling me that it's ok
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it
so please if I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you,
so please

What I am saying is it is up to us to get beyond that song.. the grief he sings..

There are things within our control and things not within our control.

One thing for sure is we cannot "FIX" anyone. They can only fix themselves. We can only fix ourselves.

And so we try harder to be more quality. We try harder to love.. because when we love in the best way, people will respond to that love. And love always hopes.. hope our spouses will fix themselves..

But we can never forget we must love ourselve first. We love ourselves by being wiser, smarter, we do things that protect our feelings.

We must also know that another "given" in life is that people will not always be loving or loyal. When someone is not loving us, we add pressure in a good way, a stong way, a loving strong way. And it can be done in such a way where eventually we have had enough.. or they have enough make the decision on thier own to leave you... but along they way, many people make the choice to change for the good. But only after YOU have changed to develop into a different person too.

I point to myself as I know that I allowed so many unloving behaviors to go on.. Had I been the person I change into today, NO LTA would have happened. I comparmentalize too. I defended her long hours at work.. her 30 minutes of quality time phone discussions.. And my saying so many times.. why don't you want me any more?..

Ignoring the gut feelings and ignoring my feelings and no ablity to apply the necessary good conflict, the right kinds of pressure for her to react in a far more good way, like she wanted to react, like most all people want to react. The kinds of things to protect me!

That old M is dead.. some might say. It is either going to move into mature love.. or not based on what YOU do and how they react to the new you.

And as the example I gave ATS.. He feels no bond, he feels no closiness, he feels love of touch, no love of affirmations.. So, how we communicate is that important.

I am pretty sure his ATS's W wants sex. His W is loaded with sexual tention waiting to be released.

Iwant felt "the pressure" in my example.. It is fair you do not forgive, it is your choice and decision based on your belief your H cannot change. Some men don't. They are pigs. I perfectly get why you would have the feelings when M'd to a pig.. a reaction expected.

Men cannot be pigs. Like I said once, show the typical man a vagina and his thoughts will be all over it in about 5 seconds.. every normal mans battle. It's like we as a man must mature not to be normal.. the statistics do not lie. Men cannot be pigs and if his sexuality is such he eats like a pig and has a woman most giving, he had better make sure to do his part too... or face future misery.

But if ATS made sure he said.. "it would be far better with you" would that send a clear message without some long deep discuss where you both end up in a fight over sex. RP understood.

And if he did his part to romance his W well in advance, a gender difference... A typical woman will release too..

ATS can also make a choice to do without. Something I will live in poverty before I make that choice.. not to be loved in M like it is supposed to be.. Not now, not ever again.

I will leave knowing my pain will only be temporary.. as I live my life to be most attractive naturally.. I will attract many.. and have the opportunity to also pick quality. You have to know every quality behavior, every quality value.. and live it.


Posts: 2684 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrkn2.. I am so sorry you face this today...
Hi everyone! I am 23 days past d-day and am struggling with this LTA my WH had for 6 years. I want a timeline for every encounter and he says that he has blocked it out!!! I think the contact whether it was P or not is what hurts the worst. I keep thinking it would have been easier if he had a one night or one month A. How do I get the answers I need, the ones he has blocked?

I am sure you are in shock..

My comment is this.. Your man is in great fear.

If it was me.. I would go get a medical examine first. Protect your health. Have you done it for STD's?

IMO, A battle for you today must be.. Can I forgive? If you cannot, then go ahead and file D. If you don't, you will have a man who will live his life in misery many times over and over. How good is that for a M? A choice not to forgive will bring you continued misery.

So you can take your time with that decision. I would say it can be made anytime within a year.

I would tell him this..
"I cannot say I can forgive you. It is a choice I need to make with you in my life or not in my life. But what I can say is... I will not forgive you unless you dig deep in your sole and be most open to me.. What I can say is if I discover ANYTHING you leaver out, about YOUR sexuality about your infidelity, I will leave you at that moment and forgive you while you are NOT in my life."

Then after you see all the evil.. take more time be wise.

What that is called is an ultimatum .. be prepared to execute it.


Posts: 2684 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi hrtbrkn2,

I want a timeline for every encounter and he says that he has blocked it out!!!
Has your WH given you ANY information at all? I ask because LTA's are so long sometimes they may not remember every single detail but they don't block out all details. I never got a complete timeline either. I did get trickle truthed to death, so much so that I actually no longer cared if I got all the details. I had enough to know all I wanted and filed for D. It's still early after Dday for you and your WH may still be in cover his ass mode.

If he says he blocked it out then start with specific questions like when was the last time you had sex with the AP? He should be able to remember that and you build backwards from there. Also ask open ended questions if you can. Basically things that can't be answered with a simple yes or no. So building on the when was the last time you had sex question, you can follow up with "where did you have sex with her". By statying away from yes or no quesions he is forced to think. I personally figured out pretty quickly how to tell when my STBXWW was lying. She always had the same mannerisms or said the same things prior to speaking.

You may or may not get answers but his unwillingness to provide you with the information you need is IMO a sign of of an unremorseful spouse. Please take care of yourself. Rest when you can, eat when you can, and exercise. If you aren't eating get soem protien shakes and drink those. This is a long journey you are. Whether it leads to R or D you must take care of yourself along the way. It wish you the best. Keep posting it does help.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn I am so not buying that no LTA would have happened if I had x, or y, or anything

I am not doing that to myself... by that logic I should have had several A's throughout all of the crappy moments WH and I dealt with his toxic ex-W.


oh no = W's are broken broken broken in regards to how they process their perception of us hurting them to then leave the marriage...especially bizarre to me as I am so open to apologizing for something hurtful I said or given an opportunity to make amends or I am fine to work to correct a misunderstanding - I just fail at mind-reading is all. Oh, and also not cool if I ask "what's wrong?" and you say "nothing" .


Oh hrtbrkn =

my husband and I are not good with exact dates depending on how long ago things go back (I have to admit I got some vacation years, family weddings, baptisms, etc. mixed up and I care about these things )

so I started by asking for a draft timeline from my WH and it's gonna be probably the rest of the year, but slowly it'll get filled out. I had him read Joseph's letter in the healing library so my WH understands the importance - it's not about me making him feel bad - it's to help me heal.

So hopefully your WH wants you to heal and will slowly pull those items out of his "I forgot" box

[This message edited by Merida at 12:47 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 213 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he does want to heal! And I know that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than I already do, I try to explain that the not knowing hurts worse than the knowing. I told him that I don't want to know so I have ammunition to use. I just want to know the extent of the A. It was 6 years and I know that he won't remember everything but I know what the phone bill says, and during the last 16 months there were 50 phone calls!!! He says there was no intercourse and I believe him. He admits to P contact 4 times and the rest via phone. I am afraid that she meant more to him than he is willing to admit to himself. He is trying hard to help me and we both want to R. We just need help and prayers we are in IC and MC.
Thank you for the suggesting Joseph's letter, I read it and sent it to him.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so not buying that no LTA would have happened if I had x, or y, or anything

This is typically a tricky topic and often one that is best asked to yourself awhile after DDay.

I am one that is in the camp believes the WS are 100% to blame for an LTA and are broken on some level. However, even though I firmly believe my WW is 100% responsible that doesn't mean that there were not things I could have done to stop it much earlier.

In my case my WW started her LTA right away when we just started dating. There was really no way I would have caught it then - I barely knew her. We dated for awhile before getting married but I do remember a conversation we had a few months after marriage where she brought up things she was missing from our relationship. I blew the conversation off really and in my mind attributed it to her just having a bad day. In my mind I was thinking we just got married, what on earth could be wrong. Her LTA continued in our marriage after that conversation. I should have been better at listening.

My WW was very good at hiding her LTA, however a few years into our marriage she messed up, lost track of time and came home way past bar time. That was one of the few times during her entire LTA that I even thought she might be cheating. I did nothing and found it easier to avoid conflict. I did not even ask where she had been.

I am sure there are other things that now many years later I don't even remember. There are actions that I could have taken that would have stopped things, that doesn't mean that I take any part of the blame though. I am far better prepared now - things won't get by me now like they did before and I am much better prepared to handle things if they do. I miss the innocence and blind trust I once had but that is gone for good.

[This message edited by ReunitePangea at 4:45 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been so many discussions about timelines and affair seasons. The only guideline that I have had for a timeline has been my gut and the info that was volunteered by donkey.

Last week while cleaning in his home-office/den, I came across his 2010 and 2011 job date book. There it was in black and white: his assignments and leave schedule. Going through the assignment schedule could possibly confirm their living arrangement. I could have not looked at them, but, I NEED to know what was going on in my life during the LTA.

It hurts to know that my H took time off from work to be with his AP. He did this while telling me that he was out of town working. Most importantly, the date books confirmed that they did in fact live together.

I have given myself a week to process what I saw. My H and I have gone away for a weekend and we had a good time. Enough time has passed for the raw emotions to have subsided. Tonight I plan on asking him again if they lived together. His reaction and his answer will determine the rest of our relationship.

For me, the downside of trying to R has been the constant emerging of new information. I suppose in a LTA this is to be expected. How my H responds is critical in our R.

Tribe please help me with this. Our discussion tonight is going to be material in my decision to stay in this M.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheBestMe, I'm so sorry you have to deal with new information emerging. I think you're right in that this is probably more par for the course for an LTA then a lot of other types of A's.

The A becomes just another aspect of the WS' day to day life, and it's easy to forget the details of day to day life.

Since this is critical to your decision to remain in this M: How do you personally define living together?

And how does your WH define it? If you disagree on the definition then your WH could believe he's telling the truth when he says he never lived with OW.

Make sure you're clear with him on what living together means to you.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:01 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Timelines with an LTA are very hard. The LTA became a way of life for the WS. It became "normal". It is possible to get a basic outline, but the WS will often "forget", either blocking out, self preservation, or simply not remembering.

Another hard thing about the LTA is "TT". This could be because the WS is hiding a lot of facts for self preservation, not wanting to hurt the BS more, not wanting to hear it from the BS, or a combination of everything.

Even if the WS tries to tell all they can remember, there are always things that pop up that are new info for the BS. It hurts. It triggers.

Many times, the WS themselves is the trigger.

Tryn: You have often posted that if you were more "quality" in the past that your WW would not have had a LTA. Do you mean that that it would not have been a LONG term affair? That you would have recognized the symptoms of the A earlier and confronted and tried to R before it became a LTA?

Do you mean what Reunite says:

I am one that is in the camp believes the WS are 100% to blame for an LTA and are broken on some level. However, even though I firmly believe my WW is 100% responsible that doesn't mean that there were not things I could have done to stop it much earlier.

I agree completely that the decision to have the A is 100% on the WS. Even if we go as far as understanding the WS was unhappy, there were other options that were available.

The hardest thing for the BS of a LTA is to rewrite our own histories. We find out what we thought was real, was not. We based a lot of our life decisions because we felt we were married to a partner who felt the same. Sometimes it feels like we were living a lie.

It's hard to reconcile all the conflicting emotions. It gets even harder when the WS starts to gaslight, TT, and blameshift.

It's been often said here that the old "M" is dead and you need to build a new one. I was willing to let go of my old M and try to build a new one with my WH, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that my WH wanted to keep the old M. He wanted to continue his cake eating, he wanted to continue the way things were and not create a new M.

Last summer, when I was ready to give up, I thought that we finally came to a point that we were BOTH going to work on a new M, a new start. Hope grew in me again. But it was all a lie. It was false R, and sometimes that is the hardest thing to deal with.

You cannot fix a M by yourself. As Tryn suggests, you can only fix you and make yourself a better person, if the WS does not respond, you have your answer.

You can focus on your healing and yourself without being selfish.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:55 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight I plan on asking him again if they lived together. His reaction and his answer will determine the rest of our relationship.

For me, the downside of trying to R has been the constant emerging of new information. I suppose in a LTA this is to be expected. How my H responds is critical in our R.

Tribe please help me with this. Our discussion tonight is going to be material in my decision to stay in this M.

I agree with 3YearFool that you need to ask in both broad and narrow terms, maybe multiple times. They are so good at giving half-truth, "weasel" answers! Which, of course, are also dishonest half-lies.

Sending you strength, TBM. And hoping with all my heart for your sake that your WH gives you the right (honest) answer.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so not buying that no LTA would have happened if I had x, or y, or anything.

I don't buy it either!

My WH cited, as one of his reasons for betrayal, that I was kinder to other people than to him. A few years ago, I recognized this on my own and made a concerted effort to correct this issue, dedicating a good 18 months to trying to improve my marriage. I took up all the slack in our shared housework, I catered to him, I initiated sex more frequently, I listened to him sympathetically, I was as tender and kind as I knew how to be. He recognized this, and thanked me for my efforts and care, and unbeknownst to me kept right on screwing his slunt.

When I called him on this last month -- "you said you were having an affair because A, B and C were missing, but I GAVE you A, B, and C and you didn't quit!" -- he was forced to admit that NOTHING I could have done or not done before or during the A would have changed the outcome. He f*ed other poeple because he wanted to, felt entitled to, and didn't think he would ever have to be accountable. Period. And that's from the horse's mouth.

[This message edited by krsplat at 12:49 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you friends for your insightful responses. The question of my H living with the AP goes hand in hand with him living a double life. My H had for years been sticking to the lie that he was working far from home. His assignment required him to stay in hotels at his employers expense. I bought his explanation, for a while. However, I am a finance/accounting specialist and that expense would not fly!

The question that I really want an answer to is: Why he thinks that the truth would cause us further damage? Obviously, he was in a relationship with someone else. I have the right to know the extent and the depth of that relationship. Withholding information from me only makes dealing with revelations that much harder.

Sometimes when I look at him all I see is a scared and wounded child. A person that is concerned with self protection at all costs. After all these years, I truly see him for who he is.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 456 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Hrtbrkn2
♀ Member
Member # 43615
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still trying to comprehend this awful thing. I don't feel anger yet, only loss and betrayal. When will the anger come and how will I handle it? I haven't screamed or thrown things I talk softly calmly and I cry a lot. It all still feels so unbelievable and I am walking around in a continuous fog. I seems as though everything in my life has some tie to this dreadful affair. There are reminders at every turn or things I have to consider now that I didn't have to before.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger will come. It hits all of us eventually. You just don't know when. It took me 1.5 years to truly hit a real anger phase. I had been mad on occasion and even hit disgust but the pure blinding rage didn't hit for me until after STBXWW moved out. I was better at compartmentalizing than I thought. My issue was while I was mad at her I was more upset at myself for dealing with an unremoresful WS for over 2 years. It took me months to work through that. I am 3 years out from Dday and these days she barely registers as an irritation but there was a lot of struggling along the way as I dealt with trying to detach emotionally.

People say you cycle through the stages of grief multiple times. I found that to be true and you also don't go through them in a linear fashion. as well. I was stuck in denial and bargaining for a LONG time. You eventually work your way through all of the stages though. You can't rush it though or at least I couldn't. The only way through it is unfortunately directly through it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ostrich...glad you feel welcome...share your story whenever your ready...your profile was short and sweet and there is nothing short and sweet about a lta.....

No, there's nothing short and sweet. My story feels like its
its completely overshadowed the years before the A.
My sich is a little weird because we don't talk about it. I believe it started around 2007 but could be longer, that's when it was obvious but it took me two more agonizing years to confirm. My ws is extremely careful about covering his tracks and ow has never contacted me. All I know is what I found after digging and searching for some proof of what I knew. Finally a break when we switched cell providers and I lied and told him they did not send detailed usage in the mail. I let him feel safe then went online to look. Let me also say that for a year he had his moms phone. It was supposed to be for a month but he would not give it back. That was his batphone. I finally stole it out of his truck after he lied and said he did give it back. That forced him to use our provider. I found hundreds of texts and a few call. I printed out 30 pages of just ow # and that wasn't even a whole months worth. I learned it was a woman we knew who's DD was on my DD team. There had been a lot of weird things where he wasn't where he said he was, vacay days used from work, because he doesn't go out to bars and is home right after work so he was taking days off but his paychecks looked normal. I stupidly confronted by telling him how I found out. He denied anything other than texting another woman. Since he had mentioned D the previous year and :: said he didn't love me, I assumed we were done. I told him to leave. He begged, swore she meant nothing, he would do whatever I wanted if he could stay. I said NC and mc. It was ok for a month then he started being distant again, HB came to a halt, and he said he was not going to mc...ever. Over the next two years I accused him of breaking NC, he would lie and say not true. One night in Feb 2012, I was checking his email, knowing again I would find nothing and I hit web history. There she was, tit and ass pix, Facebook, and something I didn't know about, a boatload of porn.
I know he's still seeing her, I know he makes me sick, and.I know I could never trust him again. I have a plan to d after my DD graduates hs and I have a sneaking suspicion, he has a plan too. We sleep in the same bed, but no sex, no intimacy, no marriage. It's a sad existence but I try to stay busy and not let him get to me. He can be difficult at times but for the most part, we stay out of each others way. Oh yea, he sends me a text every morning that says, I love you ostrich..go figure

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:03 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

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