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Just Found Out
Topic: any advise...
Member # 43256
Posted: 7:12 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014
Let me give you our back story. In 2012 I discovered that my husband had an inappropriate encounter with one of my closest family friend. My husband accidently butt dialed home at 3am apparently after the inappropriate acts occurred. Not knowing that the answering machine had started recording a message, my friend was recorded saying to my husband how horrible she felt about what they had done. Shortly after that I texted my husband. He apparently realized that he had called home but did not know what had been recorded by the answering machine. He admitted that he had done something bad and he wanted me to listen to the message on the machine. I knew exactly who and what was on the message but played it off that it was muffled and I couldn't understand anything that was being said. He than created a story about how he had been drinking down at the hotel bar(he was on a business trip in the city that my friend lived in). He said that he had met a girl, got chatty, and touched her arm. He said nothing happened but he had thoughts of cheating and that it could have gone really bad, but it didn't. When he got home from his trip we continued the conversation and he stuck by his story. After over an hour I finally confronted him of why he was with my girlfriend and why he was lying to me about everything. He claimed that he went to her house(her husband was out of town), they had a few drinks and then she confided in him about an inappropriate kiss that she had with a guy at her work. Some time after that the two of them passionately kissed and caressed and fondled each other. I was devastated. I called her and got basically the same story. They both claim it only happend that one time. At that point against my better judgement I agreed that I would not tell her husband so that we could protect our kids (6 between our families) and not tear up two families (I now regret that choice). I told my husband that moving forward he was to under no circumstances stay over night in their home without me present. He agreed initially but has since then gone down to their home on multiple occasions and slept in their home against my wishes. I have felt very suspicious of him on his business trips and have asked to see his cell phone. He absolutely refuses. I have felt very uncomfortable with this because her husband is his best friend and he is clueless. This last week I was out of state and my husband decided to take the kids to go visit this family. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it and I did not want him to go without me. I told him that if he went against my wishes that we should seek marriage counceling, which he laughed at. This act completely disrespected me as his wife and our marriage not to mention disrespectful to her husband as well. He went anyway, the first night he got a hotel then the second night for whatever reason stayed at their home. I am tremendously hurt and disappointed. I came home from my trip and wrote him a 3 page letter of how he has completely disrespected me and our marriage by going there and sleeping in her home against my wishes. I don't know where to go from here. I feel that I made my wishes completely clear and he went anyway. I have basically told him that he needs to decide what is more important our family and our marriage or this family. I have completely withdrawn from him, barely talking and no affection what so ever. He has attempted to be as sweet and loving to me as he can but I reject it. He seems completely unaffected by my letter. When he did try to be sweet and affectionate I pushed him away and told him he did not deserve to cuddle me he needed to think about what he did. His comment was, "How about the way you treated me?" that may have been my lack of communication once I found out he had gone to our friends house for a visit. Regardless, he was not remorseful or apologetic whatsoever. Am I right to not want him staying there, Is it completely inappropriate for him to stay in their home? At this point should I tell her husband? Should I continue to keep my distance? Please share with me what you would do in this situation.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 32657
Posted: 7:48 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014
Hello 21hope. So sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation, but glad you found SI.com. Many of us have been thru what you're going thru and it's good to have support from those who've gained wisdom. There are those who may have better advice than I, but I'm sure many would agree that after your first DDay (discovery day) there should've been NO CONTACT (NC) with your WS's (wayward spouse) affair partner (AP). Her betrayed husband must be told as well. He deserves to know, as much as it hurts. His health may be jeopardized as it's already known that his cheating wife has multiple indiscretions.
You have EVERY RIGHT to demand he NEVER stay at his AP's house ever again. He has no remorse or respect for you and that's apparent thru his actions you have described. I'm sure you'll get more thorough advice soon but those are just some basics.
My fWH would NEVER be permitted to see the ogre woman ever again! I don't care if she was his best friend's wife. Your WH is a bad friend to his best friend if he cheated with his wife.
So sorry you have to deal with this!
By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
Member # 31528
Posted: 8:03 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014
Please use the existing thread. See link below.
Posts: 35919 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 3
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