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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: need advice
doggiediva
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NeverAgain..Definitely...
I wanted to ask you if you have had any kind of break since the A stuff happened..Have you been able to go somewhere by yourself for a few days for the purpose of getting peace and quiet to think (and maybe fish,sail, run)
I would recommend that you read your little heart out here, consult an attorney to know your rights ( without retaining an attorney for the moment), and just go away for a few days by yourself..
After overloading your brain with reading, legal and or marital / individual counseling, you may need some peace, quiet and healthy distraction...
(((( Hugs))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:35 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM sent


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
dadto3
New Member
Member # 43253
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not gone away anywhere by myself to relax and figure out my situation. I did last year set up my individual bank account with only my name on it. This makes her mad. I also set up my own health insurance through work. I am just debating on my next move. I would like to have custody of my kids but I don't want the house. She can have it if she wants . Today with the help of all of you , I am starting to realize a lot and it is extremely helpful.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just make sure you know what your rights/obligations are..I wish they didn't but rights/obligations vary from state to state..
You may or may not have to enforce your rights but it is good to know what they are..
If you guys can negotiate and do it fairly that is awesome. Negotiating successfully and following thru is the best thing to do whether it be R or D...Many people need the assistance of good counseling to be able to do this..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds as if your marriage is turning into a power struggle which you must win to successfully move forward. She has a superior attitude with no trace of remorse and no intent of humbling herself in front of you. She considers herself the dominant partner.

Until you compel her to respect you and your point of view there will be no resolution to this problem. All the talking you have done has been ineffective; whats left? You need to take steps to end the marriage but with the overall intention of saving it, if you can. Its all up to her. If she can climb down from her pedestal and show some humility then reconciliation is almost assured, but you need her to take those positive steps under initial duress, since she is not responding to reason. Hence the necessity of threatening separation, even divorce, in order to move this relationship out of the quicksand.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Credence
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Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just let her know that when I had asked this morning for her phone password that it wasn't a request but it is a requirement for our marriage to move forward. I told her either I get access to all accounts including her phone or she could find a place elsewhere to stay, she must have thought I was kidding because she laughed
Dadto3, how could she possibly think that you were kidding? She is showing you a total lack of respect by laughing at you. It seems that she is either still involved in an A or she believes that she can walk all over you with no consequences. She is showing no sign of remorse and no sign of an intention to work through this.

Well done on immediately starting the 180 - this will let her know that you are not kidding. Stick to it now so that she can see that you will not be her doormat. It will also allow you to detach and the more you detach, the stronger and more assertive you will become. This will also show your daughter that the way her mother has been treating you is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she must have thought I was kidding because she laughed .
Do not back down at this time.

Talk to a lawyer. She will continue to crap on you now. She has no clue how she is hurting you and it is time she understands the consequences.

The fact she will not give you her passwords is huge, it pretty much proves she is still having affairs, emotional or otherwise.

You can just tell her that you never intended to be in an open marriage that allows her to go out with any guy she pleases. That was not the plan and it most certainly is not today.

Talk to a lawyer and find out all of your options. You have already gone so far as to have your own account and health insurance. She still does not think you are serious.

I rarely rarely ever think filing for divorce is the best thing to do. But after two years now, your wife still thinks she has ever right to fool around with other guys and in a way flaunt it in your face by refusing access to her passwords, I think it is time you show her you are not bluffing.

Even if you file for a divorce, they can always be dropped.

But her getting served divorce papers will either wake her up, or there will be no getting through to her.

But you should talk to a lawyer now and find out all of your available options. Never let your wife make you feel like you have no control over the situation, when you in reality have control.


Posts: 3938 | Registered: Jun 2002
twisted
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Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes actions speak louder than a whole lot of talking.

Pack her bags, leave them on the porch.
Tell her your attorney will be in touch.
I bet she stops laughing.


[This message edited by twisted at 9:41 AM, April 28th (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dadto3. Welcome to SI. I have to agree with the others. You do not want to get involved in some crazy power struggle. To stop that, you have to start moving forward for you and your kids. Start consulting with an attorney and explore your options whether you want to move forward with D or not. Knowing your options will be able to help guide your through any future decisions you need to make. Know your rights.

IMHO, with the clear lack of disrespect for you and her family, I would not be surprised if the A was still ongoing.

Keep doing the 180. Keep posting.

Sending you strength and courage to get you though.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot compel her to respect you.
(you can't 'make her' do anything)
But you can respect yourself.

Posts: 6572 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dadto3

Are you in a position financially to leave the house and setup a home somewhere else?

Is the house owned by both of you?

How old are you guys and your kids?

And remember to be cool, calm and dispassionate with your wife.

The last laugh will be on you. Not her.

HM



Posts: 850 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Bigger
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Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J of sorts… and this isn‘t aimed at any one of us posters here in particular. I am confident each and every one of us posts with the most honest of intentions.

I doubt the efficiency of our sometimes hardline method of getting our advice out there… This might sound rich coming from a self-declared hard-ass but I think we should possibly try to get the message across in a more gentle way…

I tend to agree with the content of the hard-line advice. For example: I agree there is a power-struggle but I don’t think the goal should be to “win” it. The goal should be to get out of the power-struggle – to change a pattern that really isn’t getting this couple anywhere.

Same with the ultimatums. Nothing as pathetic as an unenforceable ultimatum or an ultimatum one isn’t willing to see through. Ultimatums are like a cop that’s pulled his gun; he shouldn’t unless the situation warrants it and he shouldn’t unless he’s willing to pull the trigger. For Dad to demand WW leaves the house and not being able to enforce it… not working. In fact – if he tries to force her out she can probably file an abuse charge and have HIM legally moved out.

So now it’s a case of emotional chicken: who blinks first. Will Dadof3 enforce the “move out” ultimatum? Will she comply and if she does how will Dadof3 react? If she doesn’t then how will Dadof3 react? Will he make her move out? Will she escalate and call the cops?... I neither see a “win” not an end to the power-struggle…

I mention this because I sense an increase in the number on one-off or short-term posters on this site. I think coming here in the emotional state we are early in discovery and being told our cases are uniquely disrespective, our spouses unremorseful and Machiavellian-esque psychopaths and that we should take extremely tough and rough action… I don’t think this is what the BS is ready to hear…

I really want to emphasize the content of my first line; this isn‘t aimed at any one of us posters here in particular. I am confident each and every one of us posts with the most honest of intentions. I also want to emphasize that the advice offered is BAD… It’s more an issue on how we present it to the BS.

End of T/J


Dadof3

I wish you would answer my first post to you on your issues:

Do you have reason to believe the affair is ongoing?
Has there been any “progress” or change in your WW interaction with you since the d-day?
Has your wife ever given you a “reason” for why she had the affair?
Does she admit it was an affair or does she call it something else?

I would want to add to that list one key-question:

What do YOU want?
If you had the option to reconcile would you want to go for it or is the affair a deal-breaker and you want out?
The advice we offer should be based on the answer to these questions.

With the UTMOST respect to all posters,

Bigger.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Sep 2005
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are cases and times when we have no choice or little choice but to continue living with our WS for a while, in the same house... Even knowing that the NC demand isn't being honored, and that this person refuses to move out..
For whatever reason we may not be able to immediately file for D officially...
In the case of a WS is being so blatantly disrespectful, I think we surely CAN go ahead and treat this WS and the marriage as if neither are important in our lives even if a D isn't official or legal yet..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 33
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