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Newest Member: UnsureHowIFeel (44250)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: !st counseling session.
tremble
♀ New Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had meant to post earlier but didn't have the energy. Feeling like a wrung out sponge. I'm checking mileage and emails, and phone records daily. Have keyloggers on both computers and a gps tracker on his phone. So far, 2 weeks from dday he's maintaining NC with OW. Still having trouble sleeping. I'm taking soooo much medicine to sleep. Work is really hard. I'm developing this weird social anxiety. I'm so scared I'm going to lose it in front of people that it makes me anxious which makes me worried I'm going to lose it around people which makes me more nervous......I've never been that way. I just want to stay home in bed and make him stay there too so I can see and hear what he's doing. We both cry ourselves to sleep every night.
First counseling session went well. I like the counselor. She wants to see us every one to two weeks. He cried. I cried. He never once has blamed me or our relationship. He says this is all him and he doesn't want to be that person anymore. He says he wants to be the man G-d intends him to be. He says he didn't realize how much it would hurt me and that he never wants to see me in this much pain again. That phrase worries me. Did he really not know? How could he not? Or is it a mechanism he employed during the A to tell himself it was OK. "She'll be fine. She's strong"
Another thing that is really bothering me is how thorough he was during the A to hide everything. There are no emails or texts for me to go through. He erased everything as it happened. I don't have any way to verify things he tells me about the A. Unless I contact her. And I don't want to contact her. I don't want her to have that much power over me.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 44 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tremble, I could have written every word of your post myself. I am 7 weeks out from my Dday, and can tell you that it is a little better now, and that those on SI who have been here a while say that it continues to get better as you go.

I hope that you will see a counselor on your own, as well as seeing a MC with your spouse. You need to focus on what this event has done to YOU, and you need to focus on YOUR needs, not just the needs of the marriage.

As for that "didn't know it would hurt you" thing... I think many of us have heard that. My own understanding is that my WH was so selfish that he never even considered me. I was never a factor in his decision to f*** other people. That hurts alot, but not as much as when I believed he KNEW it would kill me and did it anyway.

There will be alot that is hard to understand, and stuff you won't believe.

I am sorry you had to join us here, but glad you found the site. Hugs to you, dear.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Separated. I need a break from this shit.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These early days of being hyper-aware are freaking exhausting. They really are. This is normal. The shakiness in public, anxiety, fear of loosing it, all normal. I would go to the grocery store and shop with my sunglasses on, because tears would randomly start to flow, sometimes without me even being aware of it. My hands would start shaking at odd times with stress, and I would have to keep them clasped together or hidden under my desk. I would see people's lips moving and know that they were talking to me, but I simply could not hear them because of the roaring in my ears.

These are all stress reactions and while horribly upsetting, are understandable and normal. They will pass. Eventually, they will pass. You may feel like you're going crazy, but you aren't. (((hugs)))

FWIW, my FWH told me that he both knew that if/when I found out, it would hurt me, but that his intent was that he wouldn't be found out, so since he thought that he could hide it and thus "not hurt me," it would be somehow OK. It was a really f-ed up circular argument. And even knowing that I would be hurt, he had absolutely NO idea of what the phrase "hurt me" would entail when I found out. He was truly shocked and terrified at the pain that he caused. For which I'm glad, quite frankly.

Have you gotten a timeline yet? That was painful to read, for me, but it also was utterly necessary for me. I had to know. I had to know as much as I could and have the "mystery" taken out of my time with FWH. If he hasn't already prepared one, I would make that a priority demand that he do one in as much detail as possible, to be updated as he might remember things, since you don't have his communications. And I would not try to talk to the OW. Frankly, she has no reason to be truthful to you and her potential lies might leave things even more screwed up then they are.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4568 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tremble, so sorry you find yourself here.

So much of what you write sounds similar to my experience. The physical symptoms will improve. Certainly not as fast as you would like, but they will ease with time. I'm about 7-8 weeks out from D-day and although my sleep isn't perfect, at least they are not all sleepless nights. And my anxiety and gastrointestinal symptoms have resolved.

Texting and sexting were a major part of my wife's affair with her tennis coach. I think she knew I was suspicious so she would delete only the inappropriate messages. This way if I checked I would find messages about tennis. And thus, not about their fling or the dirty texts. I really didn't know she was capable of that kind of deception. And this has been a very hard thing to reconcile with the person I married.

An affair is selfish behavior, I would suspect that your H didn't think about you, they were thinking about themselves. The WS doesn't visualize the aftermath and destruction they will create when their affair is discovered.

Hang in there and be strong, you are not alone


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going though this.

I don't have a lot of faith in counseling . . . but I do like that your WS seems to understand how much pain you are in. That is a very good sign.

The need for sleep meds, the anxiety, the stress . . . . this is all normal. we have all been through this. It will get better. The obsession, the pain . . . these things will fade.

Good luck


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2464 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have a lot of faith in counseling either...It can be an outside source of info on something we may have never experienced before in our lives...
Simple as that...
Your gut/intellect will tell you if counseling with this current counselor is therapeutic for you in your healing/recovery..
Things to consider..
1 Does what he or she tell you resonate with your situation?
2 Is he or she open minded and purposeful as far as researching things for your situation so that you don't have to..
3 Do you and he or she get along superficially...Does he or she have empathy, seem un rushed, and does he or she give you full attention to what you are saying?

Nuts and bolts to gaining a client's trust when one has never met this person before..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:32 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tremble: I am sorry for your struggles. It does get better. I would have to go into conference rooms at work and cry. It was terrible. I am glad your H is trying to do the right things in recovery. He will need to be vigilant in supporting you. My WW had false R and it fell apart fast which sucks.

The greatest loss is the innocence of unconditional trust. This will take time to rebuild. If you can take time off work do so to heal. Also there are meds that can help through the beginning chaos.

I am a big fan of counseling if you get a good one. A compassionate counselor can guide you through the forest of emotions. I know many are opposed (my WW refused) but my IC has been a blessing.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 7 weeks out from D day and I've got to tell you it does get a little better. It is exhausting trying to monitor the WS. I will get the key logger soon. Good days and bad days, but now I seem to be having more good days. If I get anxiety I take half a Xanax to sleep. You will get thru this. It sucks for all of us but know that you are normal and your symptoms are normal.
You will get through this. There are plenty on here to help with good advice. I'm still a newbie in this unfortunate club.


"What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Apr 2014
Notsignificant
♀ New Member
Member # 43098
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I'm also in the same boat of only having his version because he deleted all text messages and all emails between them. I have no way of knowing if what he's told me is true AND she lied to me for him when I found out. I can tell you, what's helped is I don't track him or check his phone or call record. I checked the phone log on our account for a couple of days but stopped. It just caused anxiety and drama for me. I don't care how he feels about it. But, it was causing me problems even though when I checked there was no contact between them. I am going with my gut on this one. You do what works best for you, but tracking him might be doing you more harm than good.


Me-32
Him-36
Married-6 years
DS-5
Found out-4/10/14 when a bladder infection appeared out of nowhere.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it's a fulltime job running yourself ragged trying to stay 2 steps ahead of them. Been there, done that.

Of course, you can drive yourself nuts monitoring the usual avenues that they used before D-Day, but they're not going to use the same ones again if they're still in touch - and possess more than 2 working brain cells. They'd have to be idiots.

I had blocked the OW from being able to call or text my ex on his cell, but she just worked around that and called him at work (which I had no control over). I think she also started using a friend's phone to text him when she couldn't on her own. I then blocked her from being able to email him when she resorted to email, and since he's not smart enough to be able to create a NEW secret web-based email account (which can be done in about 4 minutes) that became a dead avenue for them. But anyone with half a brain can create a new Yahoo or Hotmail account in literally no time flat.

Also, if your husband has an iPhone or a Smart Phone, there are lots of apps you can download to use and chat with, send files to each other, video chat with each other, or text each other - and none of it shows up on your cell bill. None of it.

Yup, thanks to modern technology, it's made cheating the easiest thing on earth to do, now.

Don't knock yourself out monitoring the accounts you already know about, Tremble. They'd have to completely brain dead to use one of those, now.

An option is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in his car. It's most common for cheaters to talk on the phone when they're alone in the car on the way to or from work, etc. etc.

It's unfortunate, but it's extremely rare that the cheater and their affair partner truly cut all contact after D-Day.

I think it SUCKS having to drive ourselves insane trying to monitor their sleazy behavior for our own peace of mind. I think the clear majority of us all go through that stage, however.

As far as him not knowing how deep this would cut when you found out, he knew it. But the thing is, cheaters truly believe they WON'T get caught so they won't HAVE to deal with the emotional fall-out. They know exactly how hard it would be on their spouses, and that's why they work so hard to keep it a secret. Otherwise, they'd come home and brag about it to you. So he knew. He was just hoping YOU would never know. That's Cheating #101.

It takes an incredible amount of energy to continually monitor someone after they've been caught cheating. I know exactly how crazy-making it is and how strong the compulsion IS to keep at it every single day.

The one thing I can tell you that helped me release a lot of that crazy obsession was coming to the realization that if someone really wants to do something bad enough, they're going to find a way to do it. Sure, I can throw a temporary monkey wrench into the works and thwart them from contacting each other for a day or two (blocking her number, blocking her email), but the simple truth is that people are going to do what they want to do regardless of how much we try to interfere.

Period.

And I also realized that I didn't WANT to try to control him like he was some 11 year old boy who needed me to monitor him to keep him from misbehaving. It's not my job to control him and make him do the right thing. If he doesn't WANT to do the right thing, then I need to find a way to deal with that, rather than compromising my mental and emotional well-being trying to make sure he's behaving 24/7.

That made a huge difference once I made that realization, and I was able to let a lot of the anxiety go. But I also left him, so in all fairness, that was a great motivator to let a lot of it go.

Good luck to you Tremble, as you try to navigate this crazy path we all find ourselves on.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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