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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Starting to cope, how to detach with kids
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My quick story, found out about A end of January after several suspicious receipts, changing passwords, guys trip being extended, and feelings of rejection. I opened his credit card statement and had my proof.

We saw marriage counselor three times, he said couldn't reconcile because felt empty emotionally towards me, so he went to IC. IC told him to find out why unhappy, separate. and stir the pot. So his advice basically confirmed his midlife crisis and he told him to go act like a 20 year old.

We did a trial separation for a week, and then went on our spring break with kids. Since January, I felt like we had a few good dates, some new adventures, connecting some. But still knew we were dealing with his empty emotions and detachment from our marriage.

He secretly booked hotel and set up separation at sisters for the next month. I came to find out the OP helped him book hotel on points, came into town with a friend, and they went to dinner and hockey game in our seats, with one of our friends. So now I have deceit again, and not sure if they ever stopped talking.

So this past month I've been asking him why can't he respect me during this process and not be involved. He always says they are just friends. Well, we are all adults here and I'm not sure why he can't admit it, but I assume it's back on. He just had a business trip to where she lives and two nights with her. I know this because of cell records. They text and talk non stop and two nights there was no record of her number.

My mind knows I have to move on. My heart is still tugging at the loss and dreams, feeling for my kids and family unit, and remembering my awesome husband I once had.

I want to be friends, I want to be good co parents. I am just so hurt and mad I'm not sure I can do it much longer. I want to tell everyone he's not trying and involved. Why pretend anymore.

He says he fit a mold, married the responsible, conservative, smart, pretty one. But I guess he is looking for someone to push his boundaries, to be deviant, excitement again. Rejection for being myself is the hardest thing.

How do I stay civil for the kids? I see this divorce process taking a long time, paperwork, getting a job, finance decisions.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2014
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have fought hard. He has given up. He gave up a long time ago. Us BS will never fully understand the mentality of the wayward life. It makes no logical sense.

Many of us hold these same feelings, you are not alone. My WW and I are trying to work together so we can be good co-parents as well. My DD is the light of the world and I gain my strength from her.

All of our WS were once incredible spouses, otherwise we wouldn't have been with them. We will always have our memories, but the person your WH is now has a different core. He looks the same, but is far from the same. Just know that you will get stronger, the feelings of remorse/regret will subside, the dreams lost become a distant memory, and your feelings of connection with him change.

Keep strong and come here for support!

ETA: Sorry, I said "I fought hard," and I meant to say "You are hard."

[This message edited by DepressedDaddy at 11:34 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 652 | Registered: Dec 2013
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to hide your feelings from your kids. You are only obligated to express them in a responsible way that does not harm them. Tell them that their dad hurt your feelings and that you are angry. Everyone gets angry. And them show them how to be angry in a healthy way.

I would not tell your kids the real reason for your split, but I see no reason why you can't tell the other people in your life. You are not obligated to keep his secrets. If you are pretty certain that you are not going to R, and the topic comes up, let others know he is a dirty rotten cheater. You'll feel better, and the truth can't hurt.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Separated. I need a break from this shit.

Posts: 280 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but this is not a nice man. He's telling you all that stuff about 'fitting a mold', marrying someone pretty and conservative, blah blah because he's trying to justify his horrible actions. This is what they all do. Foist their crappy behaviour onto us. I am so sorry for you. The start of this process is so hard to get through. But we do - and come out the other side.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possibly your WH (and even you…) are seeing separation and then divorce as an alternate relationship to marriage. It’s not. Divorce is the TERMINATION of a relationship and co-parenting is defining the maximum interaction you two feel possible and necessary for your kids’ sake.

Look – We all want to be nice and appreciated and I’m sure that over the years you have many reasons to remember your WH and the marriage fondly. It’s not been constant 22 years of hell and I have no doubt there are many positives in it… BUT… fact is that right now it’s in a crisis and your WH wants out of the commitments of marriage.
[This does not necessarily mean he wants out of the marriage… By dating you, being separated and interacting with you he’s getting a lot of what he wants – including time for OW. But he wants out of the commitments most of us perceive as marital commitments.]

You probably have friends that have divorced. Are they “friends” with their exes? Have any divorced childless friend? I’m willing to put money on that this friends interaction with ex is zero. We all hope to co-parent and we can even sit amicably at future marriages, Christenings or whatever typical family events in the future, but frankly – you and then-ex-husband won’t be sharing a condo at the beach as “friends” with the kids next summer. You won’t be cooking Thanksgiving turkey for then-ex-husband and his OW coming over for a “friendly” meal…

By all means be fair, reasonable and amicable. Avoid unnecessary confrontation but IF this goes on to permanent separation and divorce… friendship should be somewhere at the back of your lists of priorities.
Don’t misunderstand this to mean he has to be an enemy. His new role in your life should be the co-parent of your kids and that’s it.

I strongly suggest you take the initiative.
Is there a goal with your separation? Is him being in contact with OW part of that goal? Has either of you talked about divorce?
Give yourself some time now to get a good grasp of your financial situation. Get a copy of filed tax returns and end-of-year bank statements.
Start researching the divorce laws in your state.
Is there any benefit in being first to file?
Does desertion and/or infidelity factor in any way (rarely does).
Start planning on how you will cope without him.
Start thinking how sustainable this separation can be and at what point you feel a need to progress out of infidelity.

These actions do NOT mean you are definitely going to divorce. They are like putting on a seat belt before going on a drive. A simple precaution. Once you start feeling comfortable and accept the idea that losing him beats sharing him… That’s when things start feeling OK.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5488 | Registered: Sep 2005
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to be friends...

I've never had a true friend treat me like insignificant shit on his shoe, Acer.

You're not "friends" and you shouldn't desire to downgrade yourself to 'friends' status just because he chose to break his vows and act like a horse's ass. I think your desire to be friends is simply a way to hold onto him emotionally, even though it's in a downgraded capacity.

Honestly? He doesn't DESERVE your friendship.

Look, if you're jumping around like a trained seal trying to be his 'friend' and allowing him full access to your life and his old life through your kids, then all you're doing is satisfying his need to still have a tie to his old life while he gets to enjoy his new one.

He CHOSE to give away his old life. It's a choice he MADE, Acer. Let him live that choice. He didn't really give it away if you're still so damned accommodating and happy to be his friend.

There are consequences to everyone's actions, and the consequence for him is that he LOST his old life when he chose his new one. So stop letting him have BOTH.

Stop it, today. No more begging, crying, pleading, asking questions - none of it. Shut him down.

The ONLY time you need to be in contact is regarding the kids and visitation. That's IT. Anything else can be done between your lawyers.

Stop accommodating him NOW. For your own sanity, stop it.

Read up on the 180 and you'll find a valuable way to give yourself some clarity and direction in shutting him down.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Acer0112
♀ Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies. All great advice.

I agree that I must be holding on to him emotionally since I don't have someone waiting in the wings for me. I am having a hard time decoupling and it shows daily. I hate to admit it, but I still have love, but for who he used to be, not who he has become. I don't even know who can inflict so much pain to someone they have shared half their life with. Mind boggling.

This week I am focused on pushing him away, learning to not care, and I need to focus on the co parent aspect of our relationship. I still need to be civil for the kids, but learn to treat him like a business partner, not a good friend.

Thanks. Keep the advice coming.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 178 | Registered: Apr 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
♀ Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acer,
I'll be honest, even thinking about trying to stay friends with my H after a separation, stresses me out.

Seriously, I would never stay friends with a friend if they treated me anyway close to how a H treats a W during an A.

Read up on 180 in the healing library.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so normal to still have love for him. Don't beat yourself up for that. Just realize that you have to act with your head, not your heart. And also....anyone who would reject you for who you are is a fool and doesn't deserve you anyway. This has NOTHING to do with your innate worth. It's just about his brokenness. Do not let him make you doubt yourself. Be confident in who you are--a loving, faithful woman.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 9

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