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User Topic: hunh. I called a guy a player...
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dammit.

Chatting with a new guy, lots of great banter which is fun. We were joking about picking up people at the grocery store and I joked something about, "Yeah, guys are always looking at all the melons on Match."

He replied this morning that if that was me calling him a player, it was unnecessary and uncalled for.

I went back and read the conversation again (via email since we both had kids at home), and…yup…I kinda called him a player. Or, all men players. At the time, in my mind, I was joking.

I can clearly see now that I was having a fun time with him, and my first thought was "protect yourself!! He is probably dating/chatting with a million girls."

He called me on my shit.

I did apologize, and slightly explained the "whys" of why I threw that boundary up. Clearly, I was enjoying talking with him, therefore I have to protect myself from getting hurt.

At what fucking time am I NOT going to be like this around men? I KNOW not all guys cheat, yet that is my defense position. I didn't even know I said it until he pointed it out to me.

Why am I so self-unaware at the time I throw up a wall?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I don't see it. Sounds like friendly/slightly flirty banter to me. This guy sounds like he overreacted to an innocent comment. I don't see that this is about you at all.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it was flirty banter and I totally threw up a wall. At first I was like, "What? He is over reacting." Then, I went back and reread everything, and he is right.

I said that he was "undoubtably thinking about all the melons on Match". So, yeah, I was insinuating that he couldn't be just interested in my melons, he was thinking about all the potential melons on match.

I could have said I have great melons, or something. (I joked that there would be no fruit salad being made on first dates). We were just having a good time with fruit puns, and I had to shove him and remind him that he was probably looking at ALL the melons.

Or, remind myself. I was having fun and therefore I needed to protect.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having not seen or experienced your entire discussion, its hard to know whether either of you over reacted. However, I think it might be good that he openly said how he felt about your comment and that you were willing to look at it and take some inventory. Instead of just poofing, he discussed his concerns. I like that.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he thanked me for the "sincere apology" and moved on.

But, I am forever surprised at how I react to men. I continue to push them away at the first sign of what is probably "normal" guy behavior.

I don't like this behavior in myself. I want to learn how to stop and think before I react. If it is a "heated" discussion, I know to stop and think before reacting. But, when it is not a serious discussion and my walls go up...I can't recognize when I'm protecting myself until after the fact.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know I read this stuff and just scratch my head. There are people who just over react...I see it in every day life and I see it on this forum all the time. You didn't mean anything by what you said. I have read your posts and your a well meaning genuinely nice person. The guy reacted to some "boundary" (an over used term that drives me nuts...sorry) and assumed something about you that is not true. You said something that could be taken in various ways true, but if someone does not give the benefit of the doubt to something as benign as that, I can't imagine how much fun he must be at parties. Be yourself...it was a playful joke that could be misconstrued I guess but Lord, it's not that big a deal to call someone out like that without really knowing them. God only knows what he would do if a waiter brought him the wrong salad.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is why the world needs a sarcasm font

If this happens mainly in print, try writing your reply but not sending it until you have the chance to read over what you're responding to and your response. I often have to do this, even at work, because I tend to lead with my snark.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20325 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm OK with how each of us handled it. And, for all I know, I may have hit an unintentional trigger on his end. If we go any further, I'll explore it a little. For now, I will know that he doesn't like being teased about being a player, and I need to learn to not lead with that early on, KWIM?

He has been pretty honest so far, and a pretty direct communicator, and that I appreciate.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another way of seeing his reaction...

He was enjoying his conversation with you, and you gave him a moment of insight of how you might be thinking of him. Since he was enjoying the conversation and sees you as a potential date, he wanted to be clear about who he is and who he is not. If he was not invested in continuing to chat with you, then he wouldn't have reacted so strongly, and then hung around.

My two cents.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 738 | Registered: Aug 2013
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was enjoying his conversation with you, and you gave him a moment of insight of how you might be thinking of him. Since he was enjoying the conversation and sees you as a potential date, he wanted to be clear about who he is and who he is not. If he was not invested in continuing to chat with you, then he wouldn't have reacted so strongly, and then hung around.

I saw this too. I don't think you said or joked anything wrong, he just wanted to be clear.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At what fucking time am I NOT going to be like this around men? I KNOW not all guys cheat, yet that is my defense position. I didn't even know I said it until he pointed it out to me.

Why am I so self-unaware at the time I throw up a wall?

Because you were trained long and hard to develop that wall throwing skill. You want to unlearn that now, as it isn't protecting you so much as hindering you. Am I understanding that right?

If so, I think you're already making progress on that by being able to identify it in hindsight. With practice, you'll be proactively looking for it in your responses, and course correcting before it comes out.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he is definitely still engaged. And even checked on me since we had some nasty weather move through.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know when the self-sabotage ends, but I pulled a doozy last night too.

Why? Because SO is awesome, very interested, honest... So I freaked out. Panicked. Things are getting too real, and I do not want to get hurt ever again.

Yeah, that's so realistic! And of course, when I finally explained it today he completely understood, he is an xBS too, and told me it is understandable. He said "we are good!" when I told him I would not blame him from running from my level of crazy.

Ugh!

When you figure out the why and the how not to keep pushing the good ones away cmego, please let me know!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like it has progressed onward and is back on track!! Yay!!

Question. Wall? or careless stereotype.

I used to say "I'm straight" when asked if I wanted something from the kitchen or whatever. I don't know where I picked it up. I never really thought about it.

I said it one time in front of my very dear friend who is "not straight" and she called me out on it as being offensive!! straight as in "I'm good" implying that straight is good, and gay is bad. I think I meant not crooked but I can't say for sure. I stopped using that phrase because at best it was careless. Oogling "all the melons" could just be careless and being called on it is ok. My opinion.

I like kg's take. He was making a point that you are not in the melon bin, but a singular interest.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that this guys "calling" me on it would have turned me off. It's almost too confrontational for me when you were clearly just joking.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I didn't mind him "calling me" on it, because when I went back and read what I typed, I did allude that he was just on Match to ogle Melons. Which, I admit, was an unfair statement. It was. (I picked that up from last SO who said to me, "If there is a girl with a photo of her cleavage on OLD…I'm gonna look at her photo. A couple of times. It would get my attention". One of the reasons I do not have a cleavage shot on OLD.)

Frankly, I need a guy who is willing to confront me on my thoughts. I was married to a man who didn't confront me on anything. He just left. I would much rather be confronted so I could explain my position and/or realize my thinking is flawed, then have him poof because he didn't clarify. I thought I was joking, he confronted me, and I can see I could have worded it waaaay better.

We are still emailing, and I'm not saying I'm even going to agree to meet him. We are still in discovery phase, but it has made me stop and think how *I* default to an infidelity stance. Which frankly, sucks.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hope that you're not overreacting and taking what this guy says to heart if you really don't think it's a wall.

I could not stop thinking about this, so I asked over a dozen people at work yesterday what they thought, and all of them said that the guy was crazy for remarking on it.

Sometimes I think that people who are the victims of infidelity can think too much about things and start to take things personally that they shouldn't.

All of them made some kind of reference to the eggshells that the SO of such a guy would have to walk on should they become involved. Really? Taking offense to such a joke? I don't see it as putting up walls at all on your part, but of course I wasn't privy to the entire conversation.

But I do know that if a guy were to call me out on such a thing, I wouldn't waste my time with a date. He sounds very insecure and quite crazy if he read any ulterior motive into your innocent comment.

You are fabulous, and you deserve a guy who recognizes that. Not some insecure pansy-man who gets his undies in a bunch over a joking comment.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my very first reaction was, "whoa, he over reacted to my comment!" BUT, I went back and reread, and I can certainly see where I pushed him. HE doesn't know me, and doesn't know how wonderful I am yet.

He may or may not get the opportunity, but my eyes would be open to see if he is sensitive to being called a "play-a" and why that may be.

If he is someone that jumps to conclusions frequently, then it will show soon enough. But, in reality, I "lumped all men together" and I shouldn't have done that.

So far, he is very honest about multi-dating and his views about, well, everything. I am simply enjoying getting to know him a little. There have been no other "incidences" that warrant any kind of flag.

I learned something. I still "lump" men together as cheaters. I need to stop.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cmego

You are really quick to take responsibility for something you didn't do.

This guy sounds awful. You haven't even met yet and he's already testing a pretty significant boundary. Twisting your words and having you apologize for hurting his feelings. Maybe he's on the lookout for a woman who is easily manipulated. I'm a little surprised at how quickly you took a stranger's criticism to heart, especially when it was so sharp and unwarranted and you only know him from a dating site.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's early stage dating and it is such a discovery process. I mostly think it's cool that he confronted you and wants you to know he is not a player. I suppose it's possible that he is oversensitive and manipulative. The only way to know is dating which is why it's great to know how to date without getting too involved at first.

I am impressed at how you are able to contemplate your actions without jumping to even greater defenses. It seems to me that you are allowing yourself to see your actions from someone else's perspective but are not losing yourself in that process. This bodes well for your growth and future success.

I grew up in a very 'teasing' family and have learned that sometimes it can be used defensively to keep a distance, and sometimes it can be done lovingly and affectionately.

Keeping a friendly distance is appropriate. What are the ways you can keep good distance without being defensive?


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5872 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
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