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Newest Member: SoWhereToNow (44221)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So Angry
Elaine311
♀ New Member
Member # 43215
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of January, I found out my husband was texting constantly with a woman I work with. Not appropriate texts either. All day while I was at work with her, she would be texting him (sexting really). Once I realized, I looked deeper and discovered this had been going since the previous October. All day, everyday. It never went further than the texts, probably because I found out before it could. He immediately stopped all contact with her when I confronted him. He apologized profusely. He said it had started as harmless flirting and got carried out of hand. I believe him and forgive him. I love him very much. The problem is my anger. I have to see the OW everyday at work. She pretended to be my friend. I am even the one who got her hired. Everyday when I see her I am angry again. It keeps me up all night. I lay awake at night and dream up revenge plots that I mostly don't carry out. How can I move on and get past the anger?


BS-me 33
WS- him 30
3 Kids
Married 5 yrs
Dday 1/24/14
EA 4 months
OW works with me

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Indiana
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a tough one. I think that seeing her every day will trigger you to the point where repairing your marriage will suffer. Does she know you know?

If it were me, I would begin the job search for another job. I don't think I'd be able to heal if I had to work with her every day. However, I know this is a tough market and changing jobs isn't as easy as it sounds. I hope someone with more experience in dealing with the OW on a daily basis will have some good advice.

(So Angry)


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Sep 2005
Elaine311
♀ New Member
Member # 43215
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. He let her know that he had told me everything and that he would have no more contact with her.


BS-me 33
WS- him 30
3 Kids
Married 5 yrs
Dday 1/24/14
EA 4 months
OW works with me

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Indiana
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is VERY hard to get rid of the anger. My WH still works with the COW and we all work for the same company!

Except I work in a different building where I don't come in contact with them. But every day, I pass her car parked at work and it infuriates me!!

The temptation to humiliate the OW is engrossing, I've thought of many scenarios. But thank goodness, I got great advice here and haven't done so!

Good luck - whatever you decide!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 301 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
Elaine311
♀ New Member
Member # 43215
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is exacty how I feel. I want to humiliate and fire her so bad. I even caved into temptation a couple times and threw nails under her tires and sprayed WD40 into her locker. I feel like such a child later tho.


BS-me 33
WS- him 30
3 Kids
Married 5 yrs
Dday 1/24/14
EA 4 months
OW works with me

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Indiana
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I even caved into temptation a couple times and threw nails under her tires and sprayed WD40 into her locker.

Vandalism could get you arrested or fired. Remember that your husband and OW not considering the consequences of their actions is what put you in this spot. Don't compound it by forgetting to consider the consequences of yours.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3931 | Registered: Sep 2005
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I agree that the best approach is to look for another job. Confrontation is only going to backfire on you in the end. Take the high road and later you will be grateful. In the interim, take some kickboxing classes or find an outlet for the anger.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3648 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the other posters, I would get another job ASAP. I don't see how staying there will help with the anger. My WH works with his whore and he needs to get another job ASAP or else. It will never work out if he continues to be able to see the whore every time he goes to his office, even if the A is over. I think you will do so much better if you get another job. I would make it top priority. You don't need to suffer.


"What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Apr 2014
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW was a sahm, but she had an affair with my co worker and long time "friend". OM was my supervisor and did some things that violated department policy and rules and regulations. I gathered all of my proof and OM was eventually suspended and will be terminated. OM lost his pension and an honorable career. Pretty sweet revenge there. But sometimes I don't feel it's enough and I want more. Not healthy and I'm trying to get to a point where OM has no effect on me. Something I'll need to address in IC.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I want to pound OM into a bloody pulp, I either hit the weight room or go for a run. I'm in great shape. Try to find some type of physical activity (golfing isn't to strenous but requires some walking and you get to whack a ball. Not to mention you can make WH but you really expensive clubs) you like to do or always wanted to try. If finding another job is an option I would as well.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.

Divorce was filed, but I'm willing to give her one more chance. I'm watching.


Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she married? Her husband might want to know about her inappropriate behavior.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 97 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
staystrong101
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your anger! The disrespect and humiliation, the absolute violation of you and your marriage. I'm so sorry. My opinion is a little different than some of the posts here. I do agree that you should let her H know about the texting/sexting (if she has one). Absolutely he deserves to know. I don't agree that you should look for another job though. Maybe send out some resumes and if a better opportunity comes up, then sure! Move on. However, you are the one who helped her get hired! Why should you be put in a position of having to find another job? You did nothing wrong. You should hold your head up and should not be running away. I also don't think your husband telling her it's over is enough for you to have closure. After making sure her H knows, I would have a conversation with this woman. Do not raise your voice, keep your cool. But tell her very clearly and directly that you're aware of her relationship with your husband, and that there better be no more contact. And it would be in her best interest to find another job. Maybe write a letter if you're more comfortable with that. Are you sure it was just sexting? If it went on that long, I think it's likely it was PA as well. I'm so sorry. By the way, I did confront one of my husband's affairs - one that was "just sexting." I ran into her at an event, and introduced myself. I did not raise my voice, but I assertively let her know I'm aware of the sexting, and that I think she's pathetic to be having secret conversations with a married man. I told her I D him, so she can have him now. She was shocked and embarrassed. I said this in front of one of her work colleagues. I feel great about it and I feel that I have closure about that one. I don't think you will be able to move on until you look this OW in the eye and tell her what you know.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI Elaine311,

I am not in the same situation as you, working with the OW. I am so sorry you are in this. But I do know about anger. I wrote venomous letters to both of them, that I did not send. I did a lot of kickboxing, I'd punch her and kick him. I cried a lot. I vented with my family and friends. I also went out into the back yard and tore plants out. Something very satisfying ripping out the plants that he fussed over.

The thing is, I am not an angry person by nature. I am very peaceful and prefer harmony in my life, so the anger was really hard for me to deal with. I am still angry, and I have used the energy of that anger to file for divorce and move on.

It is really hard not to give in to those revenge impulses. Really hard. But I have to believe that he has put some bad stuff out into the universe and that at some point in time, it will catch up with him. He has lost the love and respect of a good hearted woman and is now with a woman who is with him for his money. He lost the love and respect of my son, my family and some of our friends. People now know who he really is.

Do what you need to do that will give you peace. I found out for me, that whatever I could do to avoid any unnecessary upset was best for me. Give yourself the time and space to heal.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Elaine311
♀ New Member
Member # 43215
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was married when she started working there but the texting with WS began once she started divorcing her H.


BS-me 33
WS- him 30
3 Kids
Married 5 yrs
Dday 1/24/14
EA 4 months
OW works with me

Posts: 5 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Indiana
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to think of a way this could hurt her career wise. As in, did she break any company policies, etc? Maybe there is some way of harnessing your anger into something productive, lol. Something that will hurt her, but NOT get you fired or put in jail!

Is it an option to talk to someone in HR? They may just tell you it's out of their hands, but it might be worth a try.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not raise my voice, but I assertively let her know I'm aware of the sexting, and that I think she's pathetic to be having secret conversations with a married man. I told her I D him, so she can have him now. She was shocked and embarrassed. I said this in front of one of her work colleagues.

You have my admiration, Staystrong101!

Elaine, are you anxious that no one else should know about the infidelity? I know that I didn't want others to know, especially at first.

But if by any chance you are telling friends and family anyway, then maybe you should tell a few of your other colleagues about what the woman did. You'll only need to tell one or two, because then everyone else will soon know. And if you're lucky, maybe she'll feel so uncomfortable that she will decide to look for another job.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 10:36 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2082 | Registered: Mar 2009
Topic Posts: 16

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