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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just a one night stand?
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Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness people here are wonderfully frank. I appreciate it.

Yes they are! Appreciate it now, as there are going to be days you appreciate it less when they tell you things you don't want to hear, but are the absolute truth! Lol

I also don't believe the word "just" applies to ONS. Betrayal is betrayal. The only things that seems to vary is the amount of accompanying bullshit to go with it.

I'm sorry your here. These folks are great. Listen to them and trust them.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I backed up his iPhone to iCloud. You can download programs off of the internet that will restore deleted data. Don't pay for one. There are enough free trials out there. Good luck. Be prepared to have the texts consume your thoughts. I "hear" them in my head constantly. :(

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 336 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your mother's advice is awful..Are you and your mom close?

She may not know that there are actually better healthy ways to handle infidelity..Sounds like she has a codependent mentality.. She may feel that doing what it takes to keep the peace in a marital relationship (even if this M is bad or toxic ) takes priority above self care..

Or in the back of your mom's mind might be the worry that HER life will be disrupted if you separate from your WH and have to move yourself and your kiddos in with her for a while..

Sounds like a talk with your mom is needed to find out the rationale for her advice..

Not a confrontational talk..Just a talk to express your curiosity..

After you find out what was on your mom's mind that possessed her to give you such advice, you may want to share all of the reading and research you did regarding infidelity and its aftermath...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:33 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1338 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be a downer . . . but it has been my experience that cheaters lie! I am not saying this to be discouraging. After many attempts to get to the "truth" I found out that not only had my husband lied about the details of the affair I knew about, he lied about ever cheating before. At this point he's told me many, many times that I knew the "whole truth" only to find out time and time again that I only knew a fraction. I think that people who cheat and find that justification to cheat have also cheated many times before. It just takes some creative wording in your own requests for truth to get that information that will make all the difference. After asking many times for the truth I finally have (at least part of) the truth. LIke I said, he cheated many times before and he was trying to hide it, justifying the lying by telling himself that I didn't need (couldn't handle) the whole truth. it is painful, but I believe it is necessary to have the whole truth (or as much of it as your spouse is willing to give). Then the healing can begin.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry but I failed to say that I think there is some merit in finding out more (if there is more) so that you know exactly what you are dealing with. It wasn't until "the whole truth" came out that my husband was finally willing to admit that he had a problem and was willing to work on it. Granted, I don't know what he talks about with his counselor but I do know that he goes to the counselor. I can only hope that he is working thru his issues and is trying to understand what led him to do what he did. I think this is essential for truly reconciling.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I really feel as though I am not getting the while truth, and that many other times when I was "being paranoid" in the past I was actually picking up issues and not getting the truth then either. I have as yet not found categorical proof aside from the ONS he has admitted, just a bunch of fishyness. I am running out of avenues to search out truth especially as he doesn't use our home computer (much) and has a work phone which he uses for all personal matters too.
All this and my in-laws are staying with us right now.
Doggidiva, yes my mother's advice is truly awful. I am trying to tie it to her background rather than her feelings for me. She does say that I should take care of myself, eat, sleep, but she also sees me as driving myself nuts with this. Which of course is well, just dumb. She is definitely a "keep the peace" kind of woman. I need to talk to her frankly about how to be helpful.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, an update. I have gone through all the email accounts I know he has with login info he gave me. They are clean. They are also cleaned out, it would seem to me. There are contacts in his contact list with no associated messages. I know he is the kind of person to clear things out. He has always been this way. I have found evidence that she has been out other nights he has been out drinking (over a long time period so it may not be related) but more than he said she had. I have found that the cell (her cell phone) which he said was a work cell phone and that's why he had the number isn't a work phone at all. He also had a series of work meetings with her ( and other people) when he said they don't work together. He says he just forgot or that he must have been mistaken. I just keep reitterating that I need the full truth and he keeps saying I know it all. Is MC likely to reveal more if there is more?
On another note, I have talked with an attorney and the bank just to be sure I am doing what I need to JIC. It looks like I am in ok shape. I have an appointment with my Dr. to get tested.
All this is so overwhelming with time and mind power. I don't like being distracted at work. Our MC suggested I take some time away. Does that seem a little nuts? That feels a little unsupervised and empty house to me.

[This message edited by Juniper at 11:39 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's definitely lying. I knew it the second I read your statement about him deleting all the texts before handing you the phone. There's no doubt these two were acting inappropriately before the actual night the physical part happened. I know he'd love for you to believe that the two never even noticed each other and never had any secret contact leading up to their "ONS," but it's highly doubtful.

So is his fake 'work phone' one of those pay as you go phones (called a 'burn' phone) or is it a 2nd line on the OW's cell phone plan that she got for him so they could be in contact without him using his own cell phone which would show up on your cell phone bill?

Apparently, he's up to no good for a while if he's managed to have a fake 'work' phone.

Usually when a guy comes home and 'confesses' to a one night stand, on an occasional blue moon, that's what it really was. But for most, there's a reason they confessed - and it isn't a guilty conscience. It's more likely that the OW threatened him that she was going to tell you about the affair if he didn't start showing signs of leaving you so they could be together. That's a possibility.

It's also possible she found out she had some kind of STD and he freaked out, knowing he'd have to confess to SOMETHING if you were to suddenly catch it.

It's also highly possible that someone you know saw them together and he freaked out, thinking this person would tell you, so he 'told' you first.

Another possibility is that someone told him they didn't like what he was doing and if HE didn't confess to his wife in the next few days, this person was going to do it.

Whatever the reason, he was suddenly motivated to 'confess.' But of course, as ALL cheaters do, he lied and minimized and watered down the story to a 'one night stand.' That's what they do - confess to the BARE minimum. People having accidental one night stands DON'T have fake work phones and they DON'T erase all their texts before giving you their phone.

He had lots of time to clean out all his email accounts long before you logged in to look at them, so those are a lost cause at this point.

I think your MC's advice about time away is stupid, to be frank. Instead of suggesting you get away, maybe the MC should concentrate on getting your lying husband to start telling the truth so you wouldn't HAVE to go away because his lies are driving you crazy.

I'd seriously consider strapping him into a polygraph chair. After all, since he insists that he's told you everything, he should have NO problem taking a polygraph test. In fact, one would think he'd JUMP at the chance to prove to you that he's being honest and to finally shut you up with all your accusations - right?

Don't hold your breath. The guy is lying through his teeth.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently, he's up to no good for a while if he's managed to have a fake 'work' phone
NeverAgain2013 makes a valid point. ONS's by their very nature are impulsive, spur of the moment encounters that do not require burner phones or secretive correspondence. At the very least this appears to be either an EA turned PA or a PA that went on for some time.

The burner phone, deleted texts and meeting to 'end the ONS' all point to something more long-term than a ONS.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's lied about having a work phone for how long? Gently, I suspect there's waaayyyy more OW than you think. This isn't just a ONS with a co-worker.

Plus, he's deleted everything. Never a good sign.

Have you considered a polygraph?

[This message edited by sudra at 7:19 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1513 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Juniper, I suggest you purchase a secret VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in his vehicle, preferably SECURE under the seat. Be sure to place the BEST batteries in it.

You may very well get your answers, he is lying to you.

Posts: 7628 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
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Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, oh. My message wasn't very clear. I guess it's hard very late at night, and I am a little muddled. His phone is a work phone, I am certain. What I meant to say is that he had said that he had her cell # to text her at because her cell was a work cell. It's her cell that is not a work cell. Incidentally, though, he didn't start the convo with an introduction. So they must have been texting before.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, can't VAR his car as he rides his bike primarily. Could for rarer car trips, I guess. He's not going out much at all now. I am tempted to contact someone from his work or the OW but have a hard time thinking it might help or that it wouldn't just be embarrassing behaviour for me.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Apr 2014
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