SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I am now a week and a half past dday. My WH says he had a ONS. He was out drinking and came home very late. After two weeks of suspicion, I confronted him fully. I knew he was lying to me and I told him I knew he was lying, but not how or what I knew and just waited him out until he confessed. He is answering all my questions, but I don't believe that it was just once with this OW or that there weren't other OW. He says he just drank too much and made a mistake. Says it was a woman from his work, and says has stopped contact with her. He texted her the very night he confessed saying "we have to talk, meet for coffee or lunch?" What are the chances I am getting the whole story the first time? I can't think of any other way of knowing more, especially now that he knows I am watching him. There are lots of other little suspicious bits.

We've been together 12 yr and married 8. We have two young kids. I am starting to get past the phase of feeling like I am going to be sick all the time and am eating again. I don't wake up with panic. It scares me a little because I feel less on high alert. I feel as though I have lost so much so quickly. I feel totally embarrassed, betrayed, and disgusted. It's also kind if crazy to me that life just keeps going. I feel like I'm in disaster management mode but everything is just normal to everyone else. I wish I could retreat to bed for a day (at least) like they do on TV...

Juniper - I'm so sorry, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I am fairly new here myself, although my situation unraveled about 9m ago. I can tell you the people on here can provide you a lot of insight and support - probably a lot more than I can still at this point. I think you have to trust your gut, get the answers you need, etc before you can truly feel like you have all the answers. Maybe it was the only time, but maybe it wasn't. Even if he knows you are watching now, there are ways to look up things that have already happened (in my case it was phone records, but CCs or emails too) that can provide further proof if you feel there is more that he isn't willing to tell you yet. Mine took 2m to come clean with all the details, I had to get many of them from the OW at first because he thought he was 'protecting me'. It was so hard at the start to even function, eat or sleep, but you have to focus on taking care of yourself and your needs right now above all else. Is he willing to do IC and MC to discuss what has gone on? Is he willing to address your concerns that there may be more or does he brush you off?

Hi, juniper, welcome to SI. Have you checked out the healing library in the left hand corner? Chock full of information, and knowledge is power.

What you are feeling is very very normal, infidelity is trauma, emotional abuse, the person who you gave your trust to has broken it into a million pieces.

night he confessed saying "we have to talk, meet for coffee or lunch?"

^^Um, no, your husband does not meet her for coffee or lunch to talk. He must go NC (no contact) with her immediately. No emails, phone calls, texts, social media, IM's, NADA, nothing.

Is OW married?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but for most of us here we did not get the entire story up front. Most will only admit to what you have proof of.

Please get yourself tested for STDS. If you cannot cope, meet with your doctor for some temporary medications.

I also suggest your WH start looking for a new job. If YOU decide to reconcile, it will be extremely difficult if he has ANY contact with her. She will always be there, and you will be tormented daily when he leaves for work.

I highly suggest both of you get into individual counseling...you to process this nightmare, and him to figure out what allowed him to justify his actions.

I am going to bump up a couple of great posts for newbies, each has a target icon on the left-hand side. One called Tactical Primer, the other Before You Say Reconcile.

Is your husband remorseful? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to fix this? The burden right now is on HIM. He created this living hell, he will have to be in 200%, totally accountable for his whereabouts at all times, access to ALL cell phone records, email accounts, voicemails, social media, you get the picture. No more going to bars drinking. His life has to be an open book, and his time dedicated to the marriage and family.

"Just"?

ONS can be as traumatizing as any infidelity.

Don't either you or he minimize this.

Juniper, I am so sorry you find yourself here. Read my profile story. It is possible that your H had a ONS. But, you need to verify. Get the phone records on line and confirm their texting and talking. If phone records check out then you MAY have the whole story. In my case, the day of the ONS was the FIRST time they had ever texted or talked on the phone.

He needs to give you all passwords immediately after you ask so he doesn't have time to "clean up" email or phone.

You need to be tested for STDs even if a condom was used!!!!!

If OW is married, you need to contact her BH. Your H needs to start looking for a new job. He cannot meet her anywhere for any reason.

((((Juniper))))

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 9:22 AM, April 21st (Monday)]

(((juniper)))

Ripsinmychest has great advice. Make sure you check phone records and yes, have him look for another job and draw a firm NC boundary with this OW.

The shock is incredible. Know it was NOT your fault. And please get yourself an IC who specializes in betrayal to help you manage your feelings, which are going to be all over the place.

Things will get better with time, no matter what, but right now, focus on taking care of yourself and your kids.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but for most of us here we did not get the entire story up front. Most will only admit to what you have proof of.

Personally, I think the "entire story" is a very rare occurrence. "Trickle truth" is more the norm, as the quoted poster says, they admit to what you can prove and lie about what you can't, until you can.... and then, the process starts over again with new "rules", admitting what you just proved, but hiding "the rest of the story".

You have to get to the "bottom line"....and that starts with a decision, do you, or do you not, want to reconcile.

If you don't, then the truth doesn't matter, and the lies you are undoubtedly going to get can be hurtful. Just waste his ass like a used kleenex and be done with it.

If you do, and he doesn't, then the truth doesn't matter, and the lies you are undoubtedly going to get can be hurtful. Just waste his ass like a used kleenex and be done with it.

If you do, and he does, then the truth is the ONLY WAY it can happen. The best way is for you to decide what is your "minimum acceptable" confession of truth. What are the specific things

you need to know in order to move forward....

You only ask what you NEED to know, and he answers with FORTHCOMING ACCURACY, IMMEDIATELY.

It may have been 'just a ONS' , or there may be more unacceptable behaviors that have gone on. To me, it seems that is not the biggest issue you are dealing with.

You are in shock and you've been traumatized, as you describe where you are emotionally at this point. And it is common and natural to focus on questions that you can understand, like "how many times? Where? Who?" We all do this. It is a way to begin to process this unfamiliar and unimaginable assault on you. Others have given you advise on what to do next. I will add this: whether this was long term, or you discovered it early on, you have been assaulted, and you are in tremendous pain and have an immediate need to feel safe. Seek counseling. Seek medical attention. Go to a lawyer to get information for yourself without telling him until afterward. Be strong for you. Do NOT let him minimize this as "just a ONS"!!!!! For that to have happened, even once, while drinking or not, some serious boundaries have been broken. A lot of selfish thinking had to have been in place for this to happen. At the very least, his morals, conscience, and values are not where they should be. He has a problem, and figuring that out is what will take the most effort. But for now, focus on YOU. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

The chances that you're getting the whole story first time?

I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure I've read at least a thousand stories on these forums and my best quess would be that 2-4% get the whole story the first time.

In my opinion, the fact it was a coworker makes it less likely that it was truly a ONS. That might have been first night the hooked up but very likely there was affair behavior before that night.

Best advice I can give is play hardball.

I don't think you've got anywhere near the whole story. Why would he want to meet up with her to end things if it was only a ONS? A ONS doesn't need to be ended. This has either been going on for some time or they intended it to continue for some time. Trust your gut on this, if you feel that he hasn't told you everything then you can be damned sure that he hasn't. My guess is he either wanted to meet her to get their stories straight or to take it underground. Don't believe a word he tells you until you are absolutely certain that he is being honest. If the OW is married, expose the A to her H.

I am so sorry you are here but this place is an awesome place for support.

Chances you have the full truth right from the start? VERY, VERY slim to none. Sadly, they go into cover their butts mode. If your gut says there is more - more than likely there is.

The text is beyond suspicious. If you made a horrible mistake and had a ONS with a co-worker - would you want to meet to end things? Embarrassment would cause most people to end it over text or pretend it never happened. This just doesn't sound like a casual thing to me.

Make sure you rink and eat and vent here. It's a rough, long road but you WILL survive, no matter what. We promise.

My H had a ONS with a CW. When he left her apartment, he told her it was a mistake. When he got to work on Monday, there were already rumors (started by her!!!!) and he called her to talk about it. (they only work together on weekends). He was panicked that she would ruin his reputation at work and possibly try to contact me if he wasn't "nice". Then my symptoms started so he had to communicate with her about that. He asked her to get tested for STDs. They talked for 132 minutes over the 3 weeks after the ONS. The last time they talked was when she called to confirm a positive chlamydia test....a call I listened in on.

The point of this story? A very horrified, regretful WS can stay in contact with a ONS for other reasons. I know I am the exception so VERIFY!!!! Look at his on line cell records!!!!

Just wanted to offer a slightly different point of view....

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 2:35 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

Thanks so much for the responses. I woke up this morning after a dream about all this and woke feeling panicked. It was great to have a couple of messages to look at.

You're right, Merlin. It's good to hear you say that. I feel tramatized, but compared to some other stories here it seems minor. It's not "just". I feel totally wrecked.

We are going to go back to the MC we were seeing before. WS says he will do whatever it takes.

He says the OW is divorced, but I don't know her. He has provided me access to his smart phone, but not all email accounts, FB etc. The phone's info only goes back so far. After I told him I would need greater transparency he deleted all texts before I looked at his phone further. His phone belongs to work so we don't get a phone bill for me to look at.

I am making my way through the healing library and have found it very interesting and helpful so far.

Isn't it nuts to book a time to talk to her to tell her I know? He said "Just so she knows if we ever see her out sometime." Right. He wasn't going to tell me but is so concerned about her having all the info?! And he had the nerve to argue with me about it and wouldn't let it be. Also of note is that he has her cell number to text her at, although he maintains that it is a work phone and that's how he has the info. See, when I write things like that it seems so unreal. He says he has told her he can't have contact. He says he is ashamed and very sorry. He is helping out lots and being with the kids. Sometimes I wonder if he is just getting things in order to divorce me. He was mighty upset when I started printing out financial records. I told him (truthfully) that whatever happens I need to know I am secure. He has made all financial records available.

I will get tested pronto. Before reading that here it hadn't automatically occurred to me. I thought of his health, and while I don't really believe what he is saying, the thoughts that this could have been going on for a while or with others wasn't on the same page as my own health.

Thanks again for the responses and insight. I have more reading to do.

A couple of questions. I have been holding off asking for all passwords due to the chance that he will refuse and then clean it all out before we see MC. plus it's daunting to think of looking through all that now. I am buried in work an obligations. I know that's a lame excuse. Do I wait or am I in more risk the longer I wait? Do you think I have the right to ask that he switch jobs, really? Do I have the right to ask that he request and provide phone records from his work?

And now he hasn't cancelled a work event at a pub that he was going to go to. I haven't brought it up yet. That will be a fun discussion.

I am trying to understand the 180. Is it for those whose WS aren't cooperating (not that mine is wholly) or everyone? I can understand not being a desperate mope (pretty much what I feel like) but if I know that part of the problem is a lack of closeness how can distance and not talking more about our lives help? He has said that he is fine with me asking questions and that's how he shares info.

Ok, one more thing, and this is more of a rant. My mother who is the only person I have told is really irritating me. She wants me to forgive him ASAP as far as I can tell. She doesn't want me to dig into things or try to find out the truth. She wanted me to talk to him right away and lay it all out (thereby giving up any power I had) without anything in return. I believe she has the best intent (?) but her advice is awful, I think. Hence why I am here.

Thank you so much for listening.

I'm so sorry. I'm 11 days out, and I feel exactly the same as you. I'm barely getting by. The kids lunches are getting packed, people are being fed, any more than that is too much. For me, I got our phone records, isolated her number and confronted him with that. Later I restored his iPhone and got his deleted texts. Not something I would recommend, as they are now on constant scroll through my head. I feel your pain. Unfortunately.

Do I wait or am I in more risk the longer I wait?

I don't think you're at risk the longer you wait. Perhaps more experienced posters can tell if you are or not better than I can. I would say you are most at risk when you demand passwords and transparency and give him too much time to do it. THAT gives him plenty of opportunity to delete everything but there are ways to get back deleted files, texts, and emails. Again, more experienced posters can tell you how. For right now, he probably doesn't expect you to demand transparency and hasn't deleted everything. He thinks you're buying the ONS story which you shouldn't.

Do you think I have the right to ask that he switch jobs, really? Do I have the right to ask that he request and provide phone records from his work?

Absolutely. You have the right to request anything that has to do with preventing the A from continuing including him leaving his job (you'll find that many other WS had to leave their jobs as a result of their work place As) and giving you full access to records as a trust but verify measure. It would be bad for you not to request at least full transparency, passwords, phone records, and leaving the job if it comes to what is needed to keep NC with OW.

I am trying to understand the 180. Is it for those whose WS aren't cooperating (not that mine is wholly) or everyone? I can understand not being a desperate mope (pretty much what I feel like) but if I know that part of the problem is a lack of closeness how can distance and not talking more about our lives help?

The 180 IS NOT just for BS whose WS isn't cooperating and yours is far from cooperating just to make that clear. 180 is for all BS. It's a form of dealing with the trauma of an A, the pain, the rollercoaster, and finding your self esteem again. It will also help you detach emotionally from your H in case you do have to walk the road of D. From a poster who finally got it: Staying in a M is not a requirement for being happy. It's an option and being happy in life is not an option. The 180 makes you detach so that you can see that staying married may not be the best option and if you're going to R, it's a gift and not a requirement. R should be entirely on your terms including anything you need your WH to do for you whether that means finding a new job, getting IC or MC, and/or giving you phone records. If he fails to comply and keeps up the A, 180 will prepare you to hold up your end of that bargain and file for D instead of constantly playing second fiddle to the OW.

She wants me to forgive him ASAP as far as I can tell. She doesn't want me to dig into things or try to find out the truth. She wanted me to talk to him right away and lay it all out (thereby giving up any power I had) without anything in return.

You are right that this is terrible advice. There are multiple posts on page 1 where the BS did exactly this and are here because of their WS had another affair. You will likely have a DDay#2 if you follow this advice. It gives you zero power and gives your H zero reason to not go out and do it again. He is already not telling the truth or being remorseful. Regret, yes, but without truth there really isn't any remorse. He will use an opportunity to rug sweep to his advantage and get better at hiding the As next time.

Most A's with co-workers that have been posted on here are actually EA turned PA. That was my fWH...EA with a co-worker that (usually quickly turns from what I have read physical)was close to physical. My husband stopped it before it got physical (I did find the text D-day when he confessed his love and asked her how she felt, so I know it wasn't physical yet).

The kicker...it got to that point when a week before he made excuses to go out drinking with co-workers. Coming home at 2am one night and 4am three nights later. Little did I know it was only two girls from work...one of which he had been having a texting EA for a month and a half. He made the excuse to go out drinking to see this OW.

Don't be surprised if yours did too.

I also agree with the other posters. If it was a ONS, why meet with her? She shouldn't matter. But he is and it sounds like she does.

Also...if he wants you... She gets no respect, she doesn't get nice/neat closures. He isn't married to her, he owes her nothing. She made her own bed. She doesn't deserve the respect and treatment you should be getting. She doesn't matter this moment forward. NO MATTER WHAT. It will kill you that he gave her that gift in spite of you and your feelings. It will be a thorn in reconciliation.

He deleted texts...he is hiding and lying. Simple. Period.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 3:03 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Hi Juniper,

So sorry you find yourself in this mess. A couple of things from your posts:

He has provided me access to his smart phone, but not all email accounts, FB etc

Why not the emails/FB? You go on to note that you expect that he will delete if you press the issue. So perhaps a nice keylogger would provide you with the transparency, since he will not. Also, a voice-activated recorder in his car would be a good way to give you the answers you deserve.

Do you think I have the right to ask that he switch jobs, really?

Yes. He should have thought about the consequences before cheating with a coworker.

I am trying to understand the 180. Is it for those whose WS aren't cooperating

Honey, the 180 is for YOU to take back control of YOU. So stop doing his laundry and stop cooking for him. No cleaning up after him, stop caring about where he is or what he is doing (at least pretend to stop caring). And your mom's advice, though of course well meaning, is not the best course for you. A hard line approach is best for you at this point, a hard 180 and behind the scenes observations are best for you right now. You cannot control him, only yourself.

There is no such thing as "only" a ONS. Infidelity cuts to the bone. Hugs to you.

E.

My goodness people here are wonderfully frank. I appreciate it.

Chinadoll that really does sound the same way I feel. It is so hard keeping it all up with this in your head. How did you back up his iPhone?