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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife and good friend
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Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 6 months out from my wife having 4 affairs over a three month period. Different situation, different pain. Anyone I've told says ditch her but I love her, and that impulse to defend her is so strong. I have no advice. I'm doing poorly myself. I just wanted to tell you that I couldn't read the negative posts either, even though on some level I knew the advice is pragmatic. It's just emotional, not logical, for a long time after the shock.

Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling of not wanting to hear the negative stuff...but honestly this blow to our lives/marriages and the feeling that for the first time in my life I really have/had no idea what the hell my future situation is different in that our 3 children are grown and out of the house...they do not know and my goal is to take this to the grave...I also know that I am impatient and wanted this "fixed" and try and feel normal again ASAP...well it just does not work that way at all the road is long and there are many FORKS is all part of the journey...whether you stay or go...I know there were times I tried to picture myself out of this relationship...I just could not wrap my head around it at all there is just way too much history and what we both realize NOW... is the whole LOVE thing...complicated but there and really always was...
listen to what these folks have to say ...I remember when we had our first child EVERYONE had advice...some you take some you don't!

I wish you peace

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr

Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW had a long affair with the OM and his wife was suspicious for quite some time. So the risk of being ultimately found out was rather high; bordering on the inevitable.

One question you could ask your wife concerns this. Did she care that you would find out one day; be devastated; suffer all this pain? Generally the WS wants to protect the BS from finding out because of the consequences; including the distress caused. If this was not an emotional affair, but just an exercise in validation and excitement, then your wife was going to cause you all this agony and humiliation for a few moments of pleasure; which presumably she attached little value too.

It definitely is an issue I would bring up with her. If she loves and cares for you, but is still determined to have an affair; then one would think she would take extreme measures to protect you from finding out; to insulate you from all the hurt you are presently suffering. She did not do this; the OM's wife was hot on the trail and this had turned into a very high risk dalliance.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I would suggest that you revist this post in a year or two and see how you view some of the replies that you find are not helpfull at this time.

Posts: 177 | Registered: May 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that you revist this post in a year or two and see how you view some of the replies that you find are not helpfull at this time.

^^^Spot on. The collective wisdom from those of us here who have been there, done that, is honest, practical, and works.

One of the phrases we often use here is you "cannot nice" your WS back into the marriage. That wisdom held true in my case and I would venture to say most cases here.

Right now you are thinking with your emotions, which is natural, but eventually your logic will kick in. You will realize that infidelity is a nuclear bomb dropped on your life, nothing will ever be the same, and the fallout is wide and long-lasting. There is no quick fix, no easy button. The burden of all of this should be squarely on the WS at this stage...she should be doing everything to win you back, not the other way around. Being proactive and truthful and transparent. Putting her needs on a shelf to take care of your needs. It will take YEARS, not weeks or months to work through this nightmare.

I will add that Bigger and Bufffalo have been one of the most valuable members here who give sage advice, no beating around the bush, no sugarcoating this hell.

If you have a few moments, scroll down one, two, three or even four pages in this forum, and read the posts with a target icon on the left-hand side.

You can also visit the Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate forum. Again, many members who lived through this emotional TRAUMA. They will be honest and frank and will tell it like it is.

Although the stories here are very different, there is one common thread...infidelity is truly emotional abuse, hurts to the core of our very being, and has an effect not only on the spouse but the entire family and so much more.

Good luck. Keep posting, and please read ALL responses as IMO everyone here has given you some food for thought.

[This message edited by annb at 4:33 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
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Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sleepless,

Can you give us a sense of two things. What is WW saying was the reason for the affair? What is she saying when she apologises to you?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do want to warn you Sleepless that cherry picking the advice offered can be a double edged sword. And I wouldn’t necessarily see harsh advice as bad; it’s often simply an issue on wording. Look – if you are inside a burning building and someone screams at you to get the h@ll out rather than say “Mister, please leave the building!” then the end-result will hopefully be the same. Who knows – maybe even the former wording can emphasize the urgency of what you need to do.

I think it should be clear by now that I don’t like generalizations but there are some statistics and experiences that allow us to strongly predict how things will develop. It’s sort of like you can predict if it’s going to rain depending on the breeze, the smell in the air, the formation of clouds and in 8 out of 10 times be correct. But there is always those 2 other instances…

For example:
a) It’s a very rare case where infidelity ends there and then at d-day. I would guess less than 1 out of 5.

b) Statistics indicate a marriage that has experienced infidelity once is four times more likely to experience it again than a marriage w/o infidelity. (Probably because the most common way to deal with infidelity is to learn to live with the white elephant in the marriage rather than deal with it – thereby not dealing with the reason the WS strays).

c) In all my years here on SI I don’t know of a single case where the truth was on the table at d-day.

d) WS will minimize and WS will be in a hurry to “heal”. There are few if any shortcuts here and healing has always got to be from a basis of truth.

e) This being a LTA you are dealing with allows us one clear deduction: Your WW did not “grab a chance” or sort of slip into an affair. She actively and methodically created situations where she and OM could conduct their affair. This is a KEY issue. Why? Well – if the affair “just happened” or is an “accident” then we can’t ever prevent it happening again. In order to end infidelity your WW needs to embrace the fact she DECIDED to cheat and she made plans, created situations and willingly went into the affair. Once everyone is on-board with this having been a conscious decision you can deal with getting her to realize it’s a crappy decision and thereby one she is less likely to make again.

Am I being negative in pointing out this collective wisdom? Is there any reason to expect your case to avoid all these pitfalls? Although I understand (and will support) your wish to reconcile then it would be foolish to ignore this simply because they don’t fit your picture.

A mantra we share here on SI is “Pray for sun – prepare for rain”.

You definitely should work at reconciliation with you wife but I believe some things that might sound firm and counterproductive at first will greatly enhance your marriages chances of survival in the long run:

1) Let your WW know that sharing her is immensely worse than losing her. That you don’t want any compromise on that issue and that IF she wants to be with OM or ANY other man for that matter then she is totally free to do so. But not as your wife. It’s not a divorce threat – it’s simply a statement of fact.
The “totally free” is key here. If she remains then it’s because she has decided to remain. It’s her choice.

2) See my tagline?
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."
I totally believe that quote.
I have seen hundreds of cases here on SI (maybe even thousands) where BS and WS moan about being stuck in infidelity and having no option. That a divorce will cost too much, split the family, wreck their holiday plans… Whatever… Fact is one ALWAYS has a choice, always have options and once completely evaluated then one of those options will get you into a better place. IMHO it seems you have three options; allow your wife to have her lover, reconcile or divorce. Of the three you have control over the first and last, but to reconcile you need HER commitment too. She HAS to be in reconciliation for the right reason. That reason HAS to be because she wants the marriage – not because she fears the other options.

3) I do not believe in waving threats or making things look worse than they are. But I strongly believe that no negotiation in ANY condition on ANY issue (and let’s face it – right now you are in negotiations with your WW over how your marriage should be) can be conducted successfully unless you know the likely consequences of the outcome. To that end I strongly suggest you have a clear picture of what I assume your second worst outcome might look like. Namely divorce. (I’m assuming the worst outcome is remaining in infidelity and/or sharing your wife).
This does NOT mean or imply you will file or require you to talk to an attorney (although I would recommend a consultation) but it simply means that IF your WW is not following you out of infidelity you know the next steps. And as in all negotiations sometimes the fact that one party is willing to stand up and leave the table rather than compromise some base values forces the other party to give way.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear sleepless,

I don't post much anymore but still reading every so often but reading your roller coaster rides compel me to actually login and post this reply. I am technically one of those who survived the infidelity illness. We are still married but the marriage we have today is NOTHING like the one we had prior to his affair and I am NOT the same person as I was before the affair. It was the longest and hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it almost broke me :-(. This affair roller coaster is the longest ride of my life, almost 11 years out yet, once in a while I still can't hear the name of my WH affair partner without the flash back. I am so sorry to say this, but you are in for a very long and painful ride. But you can heal as I did and you can build a new marriage with the same partner. This your ride and yours alone so take care of yourself. Good luck to you.

I just took my eyes off for a brief moment and the 4x4 hit me over the ahead again.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking on you.....

DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08

Posts: 5828 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
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