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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife and good friend
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Welcome to your new group of friends. Sorry you needed to find us, but thankful you did. Buckle up & get ready for the ride of your life.

Make sure you take care of yourself. It isn't easy but you have to. I can tell you this the people here are willing to help you, just listen to what they have to say.
In the beginning I thought a lot of people in the Just Found Out & General forum were harsh so I stuck to the reconciliation thread. Short term it was easier to deal with, long term I realized I missed out on a lot and am still suffering the consequences. I could have benefited sooner from the knowledge they have to share here, if I would have been open to it. But of course my WH wasn't that bad. Yeah right.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to hold back here... so you've been warned in advance:

I am blown away by the various people here who are effectively suggesting rugsweeping. Like I've said in other threads, if you find yourself in limbo, fine you have my sympathy - but to recommend it to others?!?!?! Great idea! Lets all wallow in misery for god knows how long! Really constructive.

As for sleepless2014:

Your wife had an affair with your friend for 3&1/2 years. Essentially your wife regularly cleaned the bathroom with your toothbrush in secret and then watched you brush your teeth with it every single day for +3 years. Imagine the sheer amount of disrespect you would need to enjoy watching your spouse brush their teeth in crap. Not only that, she watched her friend do it too.

What very few people are telling you is this: Control. You need to regain control of your life, BEFORE you can choose to R or D. There is no fuc**** way that after three years of this, that she can suddenly turn her mindset around. A WS needs consequences or their behavior will not change. You need to be proactive, not reactive. Why the hell should you hang around for her to make a decision?!?! If this was me, here is what i would do:

1) Stop protecting your wife. She fired you from that job. Only think about yourself and your kids.
2) Get IC only! No marriage counselling. MC should be for partners who at least have some modicum of respect for each other. Tell her to move into the guestroom.
3) Adopt 180
4) Tell your eldest without insulting their mother. It is a balancing act, but do not treat him like a child. He knows something is wrong, and will not like being lied to by both his parents.
5) See a Lawyer now and start the divorce process. I know this sounds counter-productive but it is a long process. In that time it will do one of the following: a) Shock her into thinking that you are capable of moving on and living a life with someone who actually loves you. Consequently she will either attempt to save the marriage because she loves you or the lifestyle that she currently has. Either way, for now you gain control of the situation. This is key!! Gaining control of your life!! ...or b) She doesn't care, agrees to divorce because the marriage is dead anyway.
6) Talk to whoever you need to talk to. If you need to talk to your family about this then do it. How they then perceive your wife if you later reconcile is completely irrelevant at the moment. If you need support now - get it! She has absolutely no right to demand anything from you considering her actions.

You can read all the books in the world, but at the end of the day - your wife chose to betray you because she could. End of. This was not your fault. You need to regain control of your life (even if inside you feel like shit). Only then, and only then are you able to make a decision regarding R or D. If you then decide to divorce - make that decision.


Posts: 169 | Registered: Oct 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fully supportive of your comments ZL. This is an incredible amount of disrespect shown to sleepless by his wife and he needs to take a very hard stance if reconciliation is to be an option. I find it difficult to imagine that his WW was not emotionally involved with his friend OM after 3.5 years of lovemaking.

My attempts to point this out led to criticism [sistermilkshake; Bigger]. I can only think that those posters did not fully understand the seriousness of this betrayal and the tough measures sleepless needs to take if he is to recover his self-respect, and bring home to his WW the serious damage she has done to the marriage.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it difficult to imagine that his WW was not emotionally involved with his friend OM after 3.5 years of lovemaking.
I don't find it that difficult to believe.

So many WW are able to compartmentalize to the degree they can separate everything. And most likely it wasn't love making.

I dont even know if a WS knows what love really is during affairs. I think they are in such a fantasy world that they really dont know what the hell is really going on in the real world.

I do believe all posters in here realize the seriousness of what his wife has done.

It seems the tone of some posters are extremely negative to the point of what's the use in R.


Posts: 3720 | Registered: Jun 2002
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in shock right now. If you had no idea, were then told out of the blue by your wife while on vacation with your best friends, all while getting ready to get back on a plane to go home....then for the immediate moment you are in shock. Your brain is spinning and your just want to get thru each moment.

This whole thing is going to swirl into different emotions every day. This all has not sunk in yet. I would say for the immediate moment you need someone to talk to, whoever that might be, if you can get IC for yourself then I highly recommend it, if you feel you need a friend or family member then use them. Try to find a way to eat, drink fluids and burn off alot of high anxiety.

I am so sorry you are here but glad you found us.


Posts: 5629 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless2014

You can read all the books in the world, but at the end of the day - your wife chose to betray you because she could. End of. This was not your fault. You need to regain control of your life (even if inside you feel like shit). Only then, and only then are you able to make a decision regarding R or D. If you then decide to divorce - make that decision.

I agree.

So sorry you find yourself here. I know only too well the level of devastation you must be feeling right now.

My ex H had a 5 year affair with my closest friend and next door neighbor, I found out 3 years ago when I discovered the emails between the pair of them . Plus there was at least one other woman involved but that's another story. Like your situation, our families were totally intertwined. Our children grew up together and were in and out of each other's houses for 15 years. I and the other BS were totally annihilated upon discovery. The level of disrespect with this sort of betrayal is beyond anything I would have thought possible. In fact, my ex H even admitted that the major part of the thrill was that me and her BH were walking around it all totally oblivious. Sick. She even confessed to her BS that my H would put his hands down her pants when they were over for dinner and our backs were turned. I could go on and on listing the level of their depravity but you get the picture only too well unfortunately.

My ex H dumped OW1 (the neighbor) immediately after discovery. I don't believe it was because he wanted to save our marriage but because the the thrill of the secrecy had been removed so she was no longer of use to him. OW1 took to her bed for a week, clasping her laptop and writing pathetic notes to me and my children and texting ex H with threats of suicide.

Now that their betrayal is out in the open, you will find that there may be a "grieving" period of sorts for your wife. Not necessarily because she is madly in love with your ex BF but because the excitement of the secrecy of their trysts has now been removed. This is usually the glue that keeps the A going in the first place.

By the way, I would let your WW do the explaining to your children with you present. There is no way that they won't find out about it all in due course. Why should she have the luxury of totally disrespecting you, the other BS and all your kids AND then sit back and make you deal with the aftermath?

If you have any chance of saving this, your WW must go NC immediately with OM otherwise you will be on a downward spiral to nowhere.

You are in shock at the moment and need time to digest all this. Don't make any dramatic decisions for a few days. Check out the Healing Library on thee left hand side for instructions on the 180. Keep posting here, you will be well supported.

I wish I could give you a hug in real life but it will have to be a cyber one

(((Sleepless)))

I will be back along with others no doubt to check up on you.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1094 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
I can only think that those posters did not fully understand the seriousness of this betrayal and the tough measures sleepless needs to take if he is to recover his self-respect, and bring home to his WW the serious damage she has done to the marriage.
Really? I feel that if you read my profile, look at the number of posts I have made and realize that I have been very actively involved with SI from the minute I joined you will see that I take this, mine and everyone's betrayal here very seriously. The same with Bigger, who has been a guiding light to so very many countless newbies in the JFO forum. He is spot on with his support and advice. end t/j

Of course anyone who has an affair is disrespectful to their spouse. That is a given.

Why the hell should you hang around for her to make a decision?!?!
But where do you see this from sleepless posts? You are making some harsh statements for sleepless to make that I feel may not be necessary. I am not and wouldn't ever suggest rugsweeping. But, implementing the 180 on a remorseful WS isn't what needs to be done. If sleepless's WW isn't remorseful and refusing NC, okay. The same with seeing a lawyer. Very good advice for anyone without a remorseful WS, but not necessarily needed for a WS who is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage and help to heal the BS. That maybe advice sleepless needs to take but as of this moment, just from what he has posted, that maybe overkill. We will see.

I do agree that you may have to tell your children. How very intertwined your families were and to go suddenly dark with the other family is going to need some explanation. Also, you don't know how the other family is going to deal with their children. If they tell their children and your children talk to their children, it will come out. We/I didn't tell our children as our situation was quite different, although it was a LTA that my FWH had. I didn't know the OW. I feel you should talk to your IC about how to go about telling the children or what to tell the children. I am so sorry. This is some of the worst shit we have to deal with in the aftermath of an affair.

How are you doing sleepless? ((((sleepless))))



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said...welcome to the club no one ever thought they'd join.

Many have given you great advice and encouragement.

As terrible as it sounds and as lame as it sounds, it truly does just take TIME.

Take one day at a time. I am glad you are going to IC. You need to feel safe to feel and say what you are feeling. Talk to your IC about what, if anything, you tell your kids. You don't have to figure this out today.

Also please consider you have been dealt a double betrayal. Your wife and your friend. (((hugs)))
That is more than many of us has had to absorb.

Grieve, mourn, feel sad, feel mad. Feel it all and please don't rush your recovery. You can't fast track it. You have to go through it all.

Watch your WW. She has to come out of the fog. She is scared right now and rightfully so but you can't fix her. She has to. She needs to get into IC to figure out HOW she was able to let herself go down this path and for so long.

Deep breaths and know that we are all rooting for you.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
sleepless2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43091
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I truly appreciate ALL of your comments. As this is all brand new to me I need to know how each of you handled your individual situations so that I may sift through the varied stories and try to find the correct path for me.

STD test - negative. Her's is scheduled for today.

First IC is scheduled for Friday. The counselor WW chose is not available until the end of the month - but she has the appointment scheduled. I'm hoping I click with my counselor - if not I will be scheduling appointments with other's next week.

A Dr. Gottman book ordered - should arrive tomorrow. Never thought I would need a marriage self help book....

The one tragic blessing is that I have the other BS to commiserate with. We have been texting/emailing frequently and meeting for coffee. It is good to have someone that knows all and is going through the same emotions. She will be a good support.

Meeting with my other best friend tonight for a beer. Will tell him all (though a different story - he had a similar issue with a spouse that cheated and left as she "fell in love" with the other).

Best news in my shitty situation - the WW and WH did not fall in love and neither is wanting out of their marriage to be together. WW is an absolute emotional wreck - and I feel guilty that I'm ok with that. I've told WW that I've always (and always will) love her - but I REALLY don't like her right now and that (and my respect and trust) is what she needs to work to get back over time.

Oddly - coming home and getting to back to my office has been a sanctuary. I can immerse myself in work and focus instead of letting my mind wander. Waking up is hard as I realize all over again that this is my new reality.

Most of the time I'm not feeling anger, sadness, etc but just..... nothing at all. An emptiness that I have never experienced.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 44
2 kids - 15 & 11
M - 1998
D-Day - 4/12/14
Affair - Sept 2010 - 4/11/14

Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pacific NW
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly - coming home and getting to back to my office has been a sanctuary.
That is how I felt, it was the only normal place left in my life at that time.

Don't feel guilty, just let your wife feel as she must.

Each person needs to handle this in somewhat differently. Some need the entire truth, including details while others just want the bare facts in order to move on. If you need details, think before you ask and make sure you really want and or need to know.

One of the most important things most BS need to know is the why. Why they did it and how they got to that point. And there are a number of answers to the why.

Many WW's why is because of issues in their childhood. Other why's are because they needed some kind of outside validation, which you will probably learn about.


Posts: 3720 | Registered: Jun 2002
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to your new reality, Sleepless.

This site is amazing. Take what you can, and leave the rest.

Read, post, eat, breathe.

I highly recommend the book "After the Affair".


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7509 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey sleepless

The one tragic blessing is that I have the other BS to commiserate with. We have been texting/emailing frequently and meeting for coffee. It is good to have someone that knows all and is going through the same emotions. She will be a good support.

I am in the same boat and at the start I too saw the OW's BH , but it's not a good idea , you need to go NC with them as well , their journey will be different to yours and you may find it not helpful to know the details of there R or D , you might start comparing progress or lack of

This is a horrible situation to be in , you loose two friends in one go

Hugs


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which Gottman book did you order? Some really like Gottman, and others not so much. Same with "After the Affair". Both have some good stuff and then some stuff that I don't agree with at all. (like laying some of the blame on the BS for the affair)

Most agree here that the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass is the best out there. She really "gets it". This book made a significant impact on my FWH, more so than anything else, even MC. What we did was buy two copies. We each read a chapter or two (depending on how long each chapter was) and set an hour of time at the end of the week to discuss what we had read. We made notes and highlighted what spoke to us in the book. There is also quizzes. These discussions oftentimes launched other discussions. Some of the deepest and best discussions we have ever had.

Also, a book I would highly recommend for your WW is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. It is only about 100 pages and a short easy read, but filled with very good advice. I am going to bump a thread in the Wayward forum for your WW to read until she gets the book. This thread helped my FWH know what he needed to do to help me. Lets face it, our WS's are just as ignorant as we are when it comes to knowing what they need to do in the aftermath of an affair. The thread is called "Things that every WS needs to know" print it out for her and for the other BW to give to her WH.

Glad your test was negative.

eta: I agree with littleflower about NC, but I can understand if you aren't ready for that just yet.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:41 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless

I just wanted to say what a gentlemen you are.

You have handled the last few days so well.

Because if it was me and I was in another country on vacation the OM would have ended up over the balcony.

You are getting great advice.

Whether your wife was in love with the OM or not watch her closely.She will most likely experience withdrawal from her affair.

Most waywards get off on the fact of their secret affairs with dangerous rendevous right under the spouses noses.

Also, as much as you profess your love for her be tough on her.

Demand that she sees a shrink to find out:
A. Who she really is?
B. Why she thought it was acceptable cheating on you, your marriage and your family?
C. What she wants from life?

Because if she does not get to the root of her issues and what she truly wants well then you are just married to a person you thought you knew and who you thought shared the same values and beliefs that you still have.....

And who wants to be married to a stranger after 23 years.......

Good Luck. Keep posting.

And let us know when the anger hits. We will help you vent here.

HM



Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one tragic blessing is that I have the other BS to commiserate with

(((gently)))

Whereas right now it is comforting to have someone else to understand and relate to, in the long term this won't be a healthy situation if you do find you want to try to R.

The other BS and her pain will be a constant reminder of the A. and that will impede healing.

You might also find yourself in a situation that you are comforting each other, growing closer and that could lead to other things, especially when you are so vulnerable.

Just tread lightly. You are hurt and lost - we have all been there.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most agree here that the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass
Agree. This book finally got through to my fWW.

Posts: 3720 | Registered: Jun 2002
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to kind of edit some advice I posted earlier. If you want to protect your anonymity and keep SI as your special haven please make sure that if you print off the thread I suggested, all signs of SI and your possible identity is removed.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9511 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless,

I am sorry that you are here but it sounds like you are doing things as best as you can. Getting your STD test, IC, etc are all excellent first steps for you.

Your WW cheated on your for 3 1/2 years - that qualifies as a long term affair. When I found out about my WW LTA, I intitially thought the length implied certain things. I didn't think a WS in a LTA could be remorseful quickly. I thought the length of the affair was an indication of the level of emotionally attachment to the AP. I thought many things that were not correct. LTA's can be different from shorter A sometimes. The length of the affair doesn't correlate to the chances of a successful R - the work that both the WS and BS are willing to put in is a much better indication of that.

I recommend stopping by the LTA forum in the I Can Relate section on SI - lots of good LTA related advise there. SisterMilkshake knows her stuff and has a good understanding of LTAs. I know I greatly benefited from her knowledge early on in my process.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2012
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one tragic blessing is that I have the other BS to commiserate with. We have been texting/emailing frequently and meeting for coffee. It is good to have someone that knows all and is going through the same emotions. She will be a good support.

I just wanted to add another gentle warning against letting this relationship develop. You are both hurting and very vulnerable. An EA could very easily happen. Don't let it.

I would advocate for NC with her as well.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7791 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll chime in with Reunite and SMS on the LTA issue. Often these are not passionate relationships - they would blow up otherwise. They survive for that long because the partners don't really want to change their lives. My WH's LTA was essentially a FWB arrangement, and he did throw her under the bus pretty quickly. He has also been working hard on R and I am cautiously moving toward forgiveness. The complication in your case is that it's a double betrayal. Another place you might look is the Men Only thread on I Can Relate.

Another thing to think about is to not put pressure on yourself to make any decisions in the short term. You have a perfect right to change your mind -- and the change it again. Nothing is irreversible, and it will take time before your emotions calm down


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 89
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