My situation was very similar. OW and her H were longtime friends who were more like family. Like you, we also spent weekends and holidays with them, and we also traveled together. Because of the selfishness of these 2 APs, there was a crap ton of destruction. Double betrayal is a particularly bitter pill.
Please take care of yourself. Prioritize your physical and emotional needs. I would heartily recommend that you seek counseling for yourself.
Continue reading and posting here on SI. This is the best place to be to heal from this particular hurt.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Its not going to be easy; she has to pretend so much remorse while grieving the end of her affair and you have to deal with this terrible and humiliating betrayal. Generally the marriage descends into two people living together with, as Bigger put it, a giant elephant in the room.
Reconciling with your wife is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. In the end you have to accept it happened and move on; not even remotely as easy as it sounds.
the spouse she has no desire or respect for.
Correct. Exactly correct.
That's why people have affairs. No respect. No respect for their spouse, children, extended family. Me, me, me.
When I looked at this fact, I decided that I didn't want such a person for a wife.
now she has to fake a willingness to reconcile emotionally with you; the spouse she has no desire or respect for.
she has to pretend so much remorse while grieving the end of her affair
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Sleepless – I wish people that make broad and general negative comments about WS and the possibility of reconciliation would keep in mind that their hosts here on SI are a couple that successfully reconciled.
I won’t sugar-coat it: It’s going to be an extremely long and hard journey and it’s not up to you whether you can set off on it. Both you and your wife need to commit to reconciliation or either of you has to commit to divorce.
Wish there was a “like” button under SisterMilkshakes post.
My kids were nine and five at the time of disclosure. My nine year old asked me why I was not friends anymore. I told him that she was an inappropriate friend for me. They moved away thank goodness. He still asks about them. It triggers me each time. Your children are older so I am not sure what to say there. I can say the families can not be friends anymore which I know you know. Although the children need not to be friends either. Because you will not be able to heal if you need to deal with visits and drop offs. I know that is sad for your children but that is on your wife! I know that does not make it any easier.
Do you all live near by?
Circle of friends?
If so if you want to R can you guys move far away? Something to think about. We did have common friends and she threatened me that they will all hate me. Me what did I do?? Crazy stuff will be said I am just preparing you! The betrayed spouse even turned on me. He blamed me for others knowing and for the reason she lost friends. Yes he did!! So just be careful.
Again I am so sorry this has happened to you! Post any time when you need it. The people here are great. Read the healing library when you can.
I feel that projecting what happened in your situations is not helpful to sleepless
No one knows exactly why other WS's have their affairs and if they had any respect or not for their BS.
I think most affairs start slowly, never planned and then there it is...ongoing usually until caught. The WS never ever expects to get caught, and many times, the WS still loves and respects their BS.
Affairs are usually some inner problem of the WS and not a problem with the BS, even though a hell of a lot of blame shifting can happen when first caught.
Sleepless: I would not go out of my way to inform parents or others of what happened, but I also would not bear the burden of lying for your wife. She has to have the consequences of her actions.
Your emotions will be all over the place from depression to anger to sadness to indecision...all within minutes of each other. That is normal so don't think your out of place.
Just keep your wits about you and stay healthy. IC is a good start for your wife to figure out why and how she could have let this happen and more importantly for so long. And then be honest with herself and you.
The hardest part of "After the Affair," for me, was SLAWH's grief over losing his AP. That was a killer. It was NOT an LTA but, because of his addiction, might as well have been in the sense of how head-over-heels in love with her he thought he was. That "fog" lasted a long time with multiple breaks in the NC. I believe he's finally completely fog-free (18 months later). While there's still (and always will be?) damage from the A, our major hurdle to overcome for real R is his addiction. I find a lot of help reading the "Spouses of Sex Addicts" thread down in the "I Can Relate" forum. So I second the advice already given you to check out the "Double Betrayal" and "LTA" threads. There's also one for "Betrayed Men." Amongst those three threads, you might get some very specific advice for your situation.
Last, the children. Sigh. We try so hard to protect them. One of mine, the youngest, is oblivious. The next oldest may know (I think he read the SurvivingInfidelity tab on my computer before I realized there were "skins" to disguise it) but hasn't ever brought it up--probably because he doesn't want it to be true. I've been watching and listening to him closely. The 18-year-old found out because of her curiosity about her dad's diagnosis (and saw "After the Affair" written in his medical folder) and her general suspicions because she'd seen him texting--with lots of emoticons--a woman while sitting next to him in church. Ironic, huh? The eldest is more hardened, so wouldn't really care if she did know. She'd just shrug it off and go one with her life. But if I imagine this situation happening to me with our best friends (whose children are our children's best friends), I don't know how they could not know if those almost-family friends were suddenly gone. There's got to be some sort of explanation, IMHO. It doesn't have to be the whole truth, but it needs to hint at the severity of the challenge so they won't console themselves with hopes that you'll "kiss and make up" with the other couple. Your children may see each other at school, but never again at each others' houses or on vacations.
So, so sorry you've joined our club. This site, though, is a God-send. No matter what you choose to do or where this roller coaster takes you, the majority of the advice you get here will be sound and empathetic.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 12:22 PM, April 14th (Monday)]
You can always tell people but you can never un-tell.
At this time, you don't know how your R with your wife will go. And if it turns out great and you and your wife rebuild your marriage, you might wish you had not told certain people, or anyone for that matter.
Thanks for the many replies, thoughts and advice.
Taking it slow as I try to figure out my new reality. Arrived home from our vacation last night. Seeing the other family boarding their flight was bitter sweet. I was much relieved to have the WH gone and out of my sight for good - but the reality that it was the final time our two families would ever be together stung. Arriving home was initially a relief but quickly turned to more pain as I realized everything had drastically changed and the future was now quite up in the air on nearly every front.
This site has been amazing.
Don't ask for too much from your WW in the early stages of reconciliation or you may get disillusioned with the whole process, get angry and hostile and things will quickly get worse. She is going to need to fake it for a while and its little use having initial high expectations of sincere remorse. There again she may surprise you.
I think its relevant to point out that initially at least your WW will struggle to recommit to her marriage; that her emotional commitment has been to your former friend the OM.
No, didn't happen to me; my WH was not emotionally connected to the OW
eta: Yes, you would think it should be obvious that it is just opinion, but when worded as you do, it isn't obvious that it is an opinion. It can be misunderstood, especially by newbies who haven't dealt with any of this before.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:28 PM, April 14th (Monday)]
Just like your story, they were our closest friends. Sometimes I think I mourn the loss of my BF more that the loss of my M.
My DDay was January 11st and my D will be final on April 21st at 10 AM.
If you read through my posts you will see I had a really hard time dealing with everything at first and did not know who to tell. Whole damn town knows now. I did not leak it but once it got out I figured I was not going to cover for them.
You might find comfort in reading through my posts as we were both married for a long time, have kids and betrayed by friends. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519182&HL=42022
Best of luck to you! Try to eat, sleep and drink lots of water. Feel free to IM me if you want.
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Don't ask for too much from your WW in the early stages of reconciliation or you may get disillusioned with the whole process, get angry and hostile and things will quickly get worse
^^^Disagree with this statement.
I personally think that you need to take a shock and awe stance. No tip-toeing around infidelity and the absolute truth. You've been played, time to end this game.
It may take you awhile to get the entire truth, and even though you are probably in shock and feel like buckling at the knees, you must be firm in your requirements for reconciliation if that is the path you choose. There is no easy button, this sh*t is probably going to be one of the hardest trials of your life.
Please scroll down in this forum and find SerJr's Tactical Primer and Before You Say Reconcile. Both have a target icon on the left-hand side.
For now you need to take care of yourself as best as you can. IC, sleep, meet with your doctor for some temporary meds if you begin to have trouble coping.
Keep in mind that cheaters lie and will lie even when provided with indisputable proof. I suggest once you begin to feel the air settling, your wife provides you with an accurate timeline.
Also be aware that there is a difference between regret and remorse. Watch her actions, her words are meaningless.
You will need to talk to a marital counsellor, you will not be able to deal with something as traumatic as this by yourself. Like you, when I found out, I did not feel anything, no anger, nothing. Anger however will come, in my case it came 2 weeks after I found out. You will feel betrayed and your world will go upside down,
I did not say anything to my family or her family but I said what happened to my best friend only (he went through a nasty divorce 2 years ago). It is important I think that beside the marital counsellor you find someone you trust and who you can talk to when you feel bad because there will be times when you will lost and bad. Having someone who will listen to you will be of great help.
My children are much younger than yours. If I were you I would not tell your children as this is a problem between you and your wife and your key priority should be to protect them.
I would strongly advise you to read a few very good books on this topic. If you read my earlier posts, I listed the books that helped me.
Finally, please do not rush and take any decision that you would regret. You are probably now in a facts finding process. People say that as a rule of thumb one should wait around 6 months from D Day before making a decision. In my case,it took a bit longer because my wife lied to me on some key facts of her affair (to the point that I had to check what she told me with the "friend" who betrayed me).
Anyway I hope the above will help you.
I chose to tell no one as we were/are reconciling. I didn't want my children to know as I know it would damage the respect they have for their father.
Protecting your kids from the fallout of the affair is paramount.
Other than, to take care of yourself and your children. For now, your WS needs to detach from her A and it is going to be hard on you both.
If you need to vent or just find people that understand what it feels like to be so betrayed...just post here and often. Take what you can from it. Everyone's situation is different and everyone handles it in different ways. Some work and some don't. Only you know your situation and what feels right to you.
None of us know what is going on and what your WS thinks, but we can project from our own experiences. Those that do, have nothing but the best intentions to help you see some things they may have seen too late and hope that you learn from their experiences.
My only experience I would want to impart about the WS. DO NOT let her act like a victim from the OM's advances. She sounds like she was willing and wanted the A as well.
If you have any questions or doubts. Post them here and everyone will try to give you their opinions and advice based on their own experiences and what they have seen on here.