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Newest Member: losttrust1231 (44270)

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User Topic: Once a cheater, always a cheater ???
Hurtgmw
♀ New Member
Member # 42833
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surely not in all cases .... Need positive feedback ...

Giving it a go ... Know it's early days but can't see my life without him. I have all access to phone bills, email accts and is available to me 24-7 when he travels with his work.

I genuinely don't think he would put me through this pain again.

Only time will tell I guess.


Dday 19th feb 2014
P on swinging site.
Trying to R. still love the SOB.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Wales
Ihtoiltm
♀ New Member
Member # 41015
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a FWS, I can not speak for anyone but myself. All I can say is that I have learned first hand the devestation, excruciating pain and torment of hurt that I single-handedly caused my BH and myself and that is a lesson I will only have to teach myself once. It's something I wish everyday that I had never done. For me I didn't truly understand the de


Him BS-32
Me WS-33
Two beautiful boys 6 & 3
D-day April 29, 2013

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This a generalization that I don't agree with. I believe a cheater who wants to change can change.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If people didn't have the capacity for change then every single day would be the same.

Making those changes can be very difficult.

Good luck.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7363 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ihtoiltm
♀ New Member
Member # 41015
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry not sure how that happened.
Anyway I know that I will truly never know what I have put my BH through but I understand more now than I have in the year since dday. For me I know that I could never cause this kind of pain for him again, ever, period.
I am in IC, I have come a long way with a ways left to go and I will never stop working on myself to be a better person and overcome my past. My BH deserves that, I deserve that and so do our children.


Him BS-32
Me WS-33
Two beautiful boys 6 & 3
D-day April 29, 2013

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people have hit the nail on the head. People can change but they have to want to change and even then its hard.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be sure to have plenty of counseling - IC and MC. I guess my H didn't "get it" after his first PA. I thought we were healed and moved on, with the help of MC. After I discovered his online EA, I remember him on his knees, crying, saying now he understood how much he had hurt me and could never do it again. He didn't understand and he did hurt me again

After this latest PA, he seems to be digging into the whys of his behavior in IC, and seems different than he was before. I guess time will tell.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 181 | Registered: Jul 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will believe you can change, but you only get this one chance.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once you do something, there's a label. For instance, a person commits thief once. They are found guilty and are sent to prison. They will forever wear the label of thief/convict. However, the label does not necessarily predispose the individual to commit any other crime(s). When released from prison, the person has to do the work needed in order to earn their place in society. After some time has passed, others will begin to respect their efforts and to put trust in them.

My H cheated - Fact; therefore he wears the label-Cheater. He has to do the work to earn my respect and trust. That will take a whole lot of time.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 374 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People can change.. I know they can..In big ways, in small ways..I have seen it..If they want to change, that is the question...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it. This is more a risk assessment of your own situation than a blanket statement about WS in general.

I would wager that *will my WS cheat again?* is a question we ALL ask at some point. If we want to try and R that is.

Of course there is no single answer.

Lets suppose for a minute that you D your WS. And in time you take up with someone new. Someone that has NEVER cheated and swears they never would because they are just not that kind of person.

Suppose your WS really has remorse and gets it. He really knows what pain he caused. And he has used that as motivation to really work on himself such that he is confident he will never cheat again.

Lets compare the risk of that new person against your reformed WS. Which is a safer bet? If your WS has done all that work. Then I would think he would be the safer one to go with. Someone who has never cheated may not have their guard up. And may not recognize the slippery slope that can lead to a affair.

OTOH if your WS has NOT done the work. Or what they have done they have done with resentment in their heart. If they blame you for their choice. If they really have no empathy. Then I would say the new person would be the safer bet.

In the end though theres allot more to consider when deciding to R than just whether your WS will cheat again. Has the affair killed your love for them? While you will never completely trust your WS again. How much trust are you willing to invest?

It all comes down to whether or not you want to stay with your WS. All these calculations come to nothing. What matters is whether you still love your WS and if you want to stay with them.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it applies to all cheaters.

However my exwh went to IC & MC and cheated another 2 times. He just got better at hiding it and took it underground. The last time I had no idea it was going on I was completely blindsided.

I truly believed he would never hurt me again like that but he did.

Don't let fear of change stop you from doing what makes you comfortable. Only you can decide what you want to do. It really doesn't matter what my exwh did or anyone else's its a decision only you can make. Is your ws willing to do whatever you need them to do? Actions speak louder then words.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people who want to change can change. People who don't, won't.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3961 | Registered: Sep 2005
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh will always be a cheater because he cheated. Even if he never cheats again it doesn't take away that he did cheat...therefore he is a cheater. A recovering cheater but he still needs to wear that cheater label...consequence of his action.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 222 | Registered: Oct 2012
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time I heard the expression, "once a cheater, always a cheater" came from the lips of my WS a few years before she cheated on me. Irony?


BS (me) 44
WW 40
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never say never. Some people learn a lesson and can change completely for the better. But in my WW case I could not trust her again. When we were going to the MC and she was supposedly in IC also, she was continued to cheat. I did not know until things got rockier in the marriage. I think she was able to fooled the therapist too. Anyway, I was asking her some questions after her confession. One was: Why did you continue cheating during therapy. She said: I was waiting for the marriage to get better first." With an attitude like that, cheating may be what works for her regardless of who she is married to.


BS-59 (me)
WS-48
DD-25, DS-20, DS-19

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 16

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