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User Topic: Soicial Media
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband also used fb to have his affairs. Outside of them he also stop spent excessive time on fb playing games, writing statuses etc, it was as though he was living his life through it. Instead of being with in the moment he was with fb. He deleted it when I found out and I doubt I will ever be comfortable him being on it again, unless we create a joint account down the track. I'm not advocating that you make her delete it, but I think you may want to consider the addictiveness of it and her reliance on it at the moment. If your needs aren't being met, then it's definitely something that should be rethought out... Together. She should be so focused on you though as the WW and I'm a little unsure why you are allowing her to turn it into, you don't love me! That's a cop out, your actions are about wanting to spend time with her, hers are saying, I don't want to spend time with you! Good luck, I hope she recognises your needs soon and rectifies her actions!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea why anyone would be defensive with the things you say. Just wow.
Other people have said the same to you as I, but what they say is gold. Whatevs! (except for the fucking part, but I said that after you were defensive)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it's an addiction. I'm not going to say it's not, but it's hard form me to jump to that conclusion. I love to fish. When things get tough nothing gets me thinking straight again like a trip out on the river. and I might spend 10 - 12 hours out there one day. Does that mean I'm an addict?

The clear difference is I will go out of my way to schedule these trips while she's working and I'm not. Or I will take her with me. I don't exclude her, but diagnosing something as an addiction out side of the obvious gets a little tricky.

Point taken though. I hoping that she can work through a lot of this with her IC.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, FB can be an addiction. I will be the first to say that I wholeheartedly believe that FB and other social media did contribute to my WH and me growing apart over this past year. I'm just as guilty as he was for the amount of time we spend on our computers instead of talking to one another. Now, I will not say it excuses what he did to me, but I do recognize that it played a part in our withdrawing from each other.

On the other hand, since he's left me, if it hadn't been for FB and SI, I probably would not be as far along emotionally as I am right now. While I'm no where near being healed, I think I'm stronger sooner with the outpouring of support I received from friends and family both near and far. Without FB, I wouldn't have had that. It was an old friend, via FB, that led me to SI.

There are definitely negatives and positives to the social media, but I think we all have to recognize within ourselves when we are spending too much time in the virtual world and not in our real world around us. If I have any regrets, it would be that I DID recognize my WH and my relationship withering because of our computers and I didn't do anything to change it before it was too late.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WodnShips, I'm not suggesting you diagnose her with addiction. You can't, you're not trained to. I'm not saying she is. I am a little concerned though that you seem to be making a lot of excuses for her and why she should be allowed to have FB. I get we all have hobbies, interests etc, that require time and effort to enjoy. The point here is not should she be allowed to have it or should she be interested in it, the point is that she is still being distracted by the tool that enabled her to have an affair, so much so that you are on here looking for advice in how to make her see that she is hurting you by allowing that to happen. I say this very gently, but at the moment your appear to be her greatest enabler for ignoring you to enjoy her interest/hobby. You hit the nail on the head when you say that you schedule your interests around when she is busy, she isn't giving you the same courtesy and when you tell her you want to spend time with her away from fb, she is not taking that well. Whatever the reason for it, she is still not putting your needs first, YOU'RE not putting your needs first by defending her right to have it as an interest without boundaries that 1) she keeps and 2) that she sees as needed for your healing. I have FB, I too have found it a necessity to help me through this, but it really shouldn't be about her right now, because it certainly wasn't about you when she cheated!

Hope I didn't come off too aggressive, this was an issue in my relationship for so long and FB can be both an amazing tool and a destructive one. Not everyone is able to separate themselves from the virtual world to the real one easily!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry there is a huge difference between fishin and wasting a day on FB. When you spend a day fishing it is planned, and event afterward you have done something productive(if your doing it right) and you feel fresh and renewed. She felt like she didn't have any downtime. Why ? Because she was escaping into her place of comfort. You commune with nature regroup and even contemplate what your life is and how to make it better.
She is just surfing for ego kibbles and cheering and most likely knocking others to make herself feel better.

That is a huge difference

Stop making excuses for her. Step back evaluate the situation for what it is.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to be making excuses. Obviously 5 hours on FB and not feeling relaxed after is a huge issue. I agree with this. I'm just not sure I'm willing to call it an addiction. That's not an excuse it's just the label I'm uncomfortable with.

Like I said, Tushnurse made a very good point on how to approach things. And I even agreed that if she reacted the same way to that approach I would have to institute a consequences. I haven't jumped to the decision of what it should be, but what she said made total sense to me. (we will be setting up the guest room this weekend, so a night apart might make the most sense.)

Honestly I was less concerned with finding out how to make her see my side. We've talked about it a lot. Things have improved, they just still aren't where I want them. I have every intention of talking about it in MC next week.

I was more interested if there was something I was missing about the whole thing. Like I said social media in general is just not something that makes sense to me. I probably didn't make this clear, and definitely should have.


When you spend a day fishing it is planned, and event afterward you have done something productive(if your doing it right)

Hey, I said I liked it. Not that I was any good.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I was less concerned with finding out how to make her see my side
If you are going to heal from this, she is going to have to find some REAL compassion and help you feel validated about your feelings about this (which may be a bit harder because I think you are ignoring your feelings also....it seems that you two have found ways of interacting, or not, that helps you both avoid dealing with your true emotions.)

Anything can become an addiction. It depends on the circumstances it is being used. Fishing can be a very healthy way of dealing with stress....being alone with your own thoughts, being present with nature, getting away from the rush of life once in a while...that is healthy. It would become unhealthy, (and possibly an addiction) if you use it to replace healthy interactions with others, if you use it to escape from your life and real problems (okay to escape an hour or two once in a while as long as you deal with the problems when you come back, not okay to escape if you NEVER deal with the real issues), and it would be a real problem if your partner told you they felt neglected and wanted to spend time with you and you ignored them and went fishing anyway, and if you got irritable, defensive, or manipulative/pleasing/using tears in order to keep your "habit."

Anyway, whether an addiction or not, she is protective of her behavior even though she knows it hurt you and it really did damage to the relationship. That is the bottom line, and she is not remorseful and she will not "get it" until she understands that fb is going to be a trigger for you since that is what she uses to hook up with others and she is placing you second. Addiction or not, very unhealthy behaviors that she is going to need to come to terms with. IC is necessary for that, MC won't help with her escapism.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15303 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, WNS

I have to agree about social media. I personally think that smart phones, fb, twitter, INTERNET are ALL things that make it so easy to forget what life is all about. Before all of this we had HOUSE PHONES. Thats it. So cheating was much trickier, not as easy and honestly probably less common. I fully understand it takes a person to cheat and not technology, BUT technology makes it a hell of a lot easier.

My thing isnt just cheating...As some have said on here, its a disconnect. My fws spends hours each day on the computer. Most his work is through there and while Im at work, I dont mind. When I get home I expect him to be off and dedicate some time to me. Its so easy to get caught in all the things the internet has to offer but you have to pull yourself back into reality. Personally I have a fb I check maybe a few times a year. I have only family and a few friends from back home on there. Thats it!! I know fb is used for good things, but I totally get where your at with this post.

Also, as a child I spent so much more time doing things outside, personally spending my life experiencing what it has to offer. Now so many people are STUCK in the land of technology...It gets to me.




Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before all of this we had HOUSE PHONES.

Before the 1980's redefined it, a party line meant several households going in for the same phone.

Technology is just another name for tools. Before we had hammers we lived in caves, and nobody had a door to shut so they could fuck behind it.

I don't get a lot of shit people do. I don't like FB myself. I occasionally post pics of my kids there so my family can see them but to me FB is a way for people who are not at home on the Internet to socialize on the Internet, if that makes any sense.

The problem is not the technology. The problem is the people using it to achieve dishonest or deceptive ends. Guns make murdering people a lot easier, but they also make putting meat on the table a lot easier. Nuclear fission means the potential for massive devastation, but it also provides a real and much cleaner alternative to traditional fuels.

Social media connecting people is just another step. Before automobiles were a regular item in the first world, the social landscape was also significantly different. Same with every other mode of transport and communication. The Roman road system bridged communities in ways human civilization had never been connected, just like the Internet is doing now. You don't blame the road for the people driving like assholes on it. It wouldn't be that much harder for them to be assholes without it. They'd just be doing it on a footpath.

eta:

I'm not saying spending the entire day every day in front of a computer is reasonable. It's a good example of somebody misusing their time.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:41 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol at the "doors"

Great point! Completely agree.




Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree about social media. I personally think that smart phones, fb, twitter, INTERNET are ALL things that make it so easy to forget what life is all about.

That is because the user allows it to happen. I was one of the earliest users of Facebook when it was limited to college students over 10 years ago. A place to see friends and their pictures. 10mn per day if even that much and log off.

The problem is not the technology. The problem is the people using it to achieve dishonest or deceptive ends.

Exactly. I have met numerous women who complain their husbands ignore them and the kids for football or video games. The complaints in my grandmother's days were newspapers, the radio and card games.

Like Stillgoing says, if they don't want to talk to you they'll find a way. Implying there is something wrong with those who use social media (heard many former addicted FB users who saw the error of their ways and now berate anyone who uses it) is just more blame shifting.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spending 5 hours on FB but she argues it was only an hour. We can hagle over the nuances of the word addiction, but your wife has an addictive behavior going if she loses time. If she literally goes bat crazy when deprived of it, she has a problem. If she gets nervous and anxious without FB, she has a problem. If she facilitated her A with FB, you have a problem.

Would you recognize any other addiction and agree to let her continue just because it is her "me time"? Do you let an alcoholic continue to sip wine? If her vices are hurting her, hurting you, or hurting your marriage, why do you argue that she should continue? It is FB. Any of us can live without it.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her vices are hurting her, hurting you, or hurting your marriage, why do you argue that she should continue?

I think the argument could be made that it is her *choice* to continue. What's the point in *banning* an adult from the behavior they choose to indulge in. We aren't discussing children, these are supposedly adults fully capable of making their own choices.

If a behavior is bothersome to me, it is my responsibility to inform her of that. It is her responsibility to act on that. In whatever way she see's fit. If the issue persists, isn't it then my responsibility to respond appropriately?

One of the earliest maxims I learned here was DETACH.
Don't
Ever
Try
And
Change
Her/him
How does that not apply here?

I can point the right direction, but I can't force a change.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: We spent the evening together with no FB. Watched some TV. Played a game for a few hours. We are watching a show now and I'm on the computer not her at all.

I need to do a better job of telling her when I feel like I need attention, but today has been nice.

I'm not saying spending the entire day every day in front of a computer is reasonable. It's a good example of somebody misusing their time.

What about those of us who get paid to do it?

If you are going to heal from this, she is going to have to find some REAL compassion and help you feel validated about your feelings about this (which may be a bit harder because I think you are ignoring your feelings also....it seems that you two have found ways of interacting, or not, that helps you both avoid dealing with your true emotions.)

I'm not ignoring my feelings at all. As I said we have discussed it. And her and I are working on it. Just because I'm not as upset about it as some seem to think I should be doesn't mean I'm ignoring my feelings.


Anything can become an addiction. It depends on the circumstances it is being used.

Absolutely. I didn't say FB couldn't be an addiction. I said I was uncomfortable making that call.

and if you got irritable, defensive, or manipulative/pleasing/using tears in order to keep your "habit."

And here is one of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable with the label. We will go on vacation and she will go a week without logging on. Some of our best times.



me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I was addressing Wodnships. And yes, if you love someone, you address their harmful behavior, particularly an addiction that is eating them. Losing 4 to 5 hours of time is a huge red flag, whether it is gambling, alcohol, drugs, porn, or gaming. Her time is being distorted by something she cannot put down.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand you feeling like that. After DDay I told my wife that FB is not to ever be on her phone or any other social media or I'm done. It's not allowed in the house period or I'm done.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't diagnose someone as an addict based on a post their spouse made on a website. But people here are not just doing that but they are adding things I never said.

I never said she can't put it down.
I never said that she gets anxious or upset with out it.
I never said she lies or manipulates to get access.

She doesn't do these things. She doesn't schedule social events around facebook. She doesn't avoid going out to stay in and be on it.

Yes she loses track of time when she's on facebook. But no practicing physiologist would diagnose someone with an addiction on that alone.

The pop physiology around here would be comical if it wasn't so potentially damaging.

Yes my wife has issues avoiding her feelings and she is in therapy working on that. Yes my wife can't allow her self to stop and just relax. She's in therapy for that. And yes I felt like on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week she was putting Facebook before me. None of those things equal addiction.

The 5 hour thing was a one time thing that I used as an example and everyone is clinging to it. Her IC is aware of the event as well. Come on, can we please dial it back a notch?


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pop physiology around here would be comical if it wasn't so potentially damaging.

I'm glad to see many of the honest and heartfelt experiences being shared by those who have been in your shoes are so amusing to you. You do know the meaning of the term Pop Psych right? I'm not quite convinced to be honest as I read nothing but varying but well thought out views in this thread.

You don't like social media. It's part of your wife's life. Either you two find a middle ground or you'll go nowhere. She'll keep doing her thing and you'll keep saying there is no problem.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has your WW had any consequences yet?

Also...SisterMilkshake is one of the kindest, most compassionate members here at SI. Her advice is almost always spot on.

You say you don't want to scorch the earth....so other than her going to IC...what has changed since dday?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 55
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