Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Soicial Media
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be the first to admit I just don't get it. I mean I don't get the appeal of it. I don't get the desire to be on it. I find it damaging to society and a place for misinformation and false connections.

However my wife loves her Facebook. Which is fine. I don't have to get everything she enjoys, nor does she have to get everything I enjoy. But sometimes I feel like Facebook comes first and me second. She refers to Facebook as her "me" time. But I have a hard time seeing it that way. To me Facebook is about her reaching out and trying to connect with everyone but me. It's not her time, it's about ego kibble and false connections.

It's always been a bit of an issue, but it's a lot harder on me now that I know she reconnected with her ex through FB. I try to talk to her about it, but she gets upset. Not mad, but so upset she cries. When I tell her "I feel a little neglected the last couple of days. I'd like to spend some time together." She hears "I'm miserable and you make me unhappy I don't love you any more." I just feel at a loss with this whole thing.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally feel that your WW shouldn't be on FB, at least for the time being.
When I tell her "I feel a little neglected the last couple of days. I'd like to spend some time together." She hears "I'm miserable and you make me unhappy I don't love you any more."
Have you been to MC? What does MC say about this concern? Your marriage is in a crisis, all her time and energy should be devoted to you, your marriage and fixing her issues. There is no time for FB especially since that was her tool for infidelity.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally feel that social media has it's place, but it shouldn't the end-all, be-all. It depends on how it's used.

I have a twitter account that I use to connect with other writers, to learn about the industry etc... I don't have FB. I did back in 2006. I thought it was a ridiculous site (no offense to anyone who uses it) and it wasn't for me. I shut it down. Don't understand messaging family or friends through FB. If I want to send a message to them I'll email or text, or call them. Again, that's just my opinion.

I think she may need to learn how to balance her time on FB so that the marriage isn't being neglected. If you're going to her and trying to talk to her about it and about your feelings and she twists them around to be a negative thing, then she may need to look deeper into why she's reacting that way instead of listening to what you're saying to her.

I hope some of this helped.

I'm sorry that's happening.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't understand messaging family or friends through FB. If I want to send a message to them I'll email or text, or call them. Again, that's just my opinion.
I have 21 nieces and nephews. Most of them have children. I have 5 sibs still living. Two elderly parents. We don't live in the same state. Everyone lives all over the USA. We use FB to keep up with what is going on in everyone's lives and to see all the wonderful pictures of relatives we never get to see IRL. We get to see them grow and change. FB is a wonderful way to stay in touch with family.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been to MC? What does MC say about this concern?

We have been to one MC session, and the counselor thought it was best to see us in IC for a while first. My wife has a lot she needs to work through. I had my last IC session earlier this week and we are supposed to start MC again next week. I plan to bring it up then.


If you're going to her and trying to talk to her about it and about your feelings and she twists them around to be a negative thing, then she may need to look deeper into why she's reacting that way instead of listening to what you're saying to her.

This is the bigger problem and it has been long before the affair. She can't handle anything that might seem slightly critical or disproving. At the same time if I have a bad day, even if it has nothing to do with her, she somehow makes it about how I'm unhappy with her and how she can't make me happy. It makes it very hard to communicate my feelings to her.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loved FB. I really enjoyed connecting with old friends I would never have found otherwise. I like sharing pics of my kids and my life with far flung family and friends. I loved seeing the lives of friends I can't see in person. It was a great place to get advice (wheres a good local mechanic, where can I get a dog sitter, who has a recipe for ___) I thought it was great. My H did to. I just didn't know it was because HE was reconnecting with FEMALE friends, and that one of his inappropriately flirty FB interactions would end up leading to an A with a mutual friend. FB was deleted for us both on DDay. No, I don't feel like I HAD to do that. I didn't have any problem acting inappropriately. But it just seemed better that way. It's been almost 7 months, and at first I did miss talking to people and sharing, but I am SO HAPPY I don't have to worry about husband using it now.
I don't think your wife has the right to be on FB at ALL!! She used it to betray you. To me it's like letting a drunk go into a bar because they are only going to have water. They might...but why take the risk.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that many BS would tell their WS no Facebook, and my wife offered to delete her's after Dday. I'm just not a real fan of scorched earth solutions to problems. It's not like FB made her do the things she did. She chose them. If I have to start mandating how she spends her time I don't want to be with her.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that many BS would tell their WS no Facebook, and my wife offered to delete her's after Dday. I'm just not a real fan of scorched earth solutions to problems. It's not like FB made her do the things she did. She chose them. If I have to start mandating how she spends her time I don't want to be with her.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I have to start mandating how she spends her time I don't want to be with her.
Yep, and here we are. Listen, if our WS's knew how to spend their time appropriately none of would be here, right? You aren't mandating how she spend her time, you are requiring boundaries.

She is neglecting you to be on Facebook. She used it as a tool to commit infidelity. You need to set the boundaries that you are willing to live with. If you want to be a lower priority than Facebook to your WW in regards to how she spends her time, fine. We are not the ones who brought it up, though, you did. Apparently you don't like it.

You will suffer because you don't want to set your boundaries and you expect your WW to just spontaneously have boundaries now?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H offered to delete his FB account after DDay and I took him up on it in a flash. It wasn't really part of his As but he was connecting with the wrong people and in the wrong ways. For us it was about there being one less thing for me to worry about and one more way for him to show me I was safe.

Since then he's dropped LinkedIn as well. He wasn't really using it but any new "connection" made me anxious.

Also, she does need to learn to hear what you are saying without reacting defensively. It's a process but I hope she's working really hard to get there.

Lastly, FB is an escape. I get that (I use it). But what is she escaping from? Does she know?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is neglecting you to be on Facebook. She used it as a tool to commit infidelity. You need to set the boundaries that you are willing to live with. If you want to be a lower priority than Facebook to your WW in regards to how she spends her time, fine. We are not the ones who brought it up, though, you did. Apparently you don't like it.

And you honestly believe the only two options are complete misery or demanding she deletes her FB? Not everything has to be an extreme. That is what I mean about a scorched earth solution. Life doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are lots of shades of grey in life.

It's reactions like this that make me consider leaving this site.

Lastly, FB is an escape. I get that (I use it). But what is she escaping from? Does she know?

I don't think she does. She's in IC and trying to figure all that out. And we are making head way. She doesn't post anywhere near as much as she used too. But she will still get on and lose track of time. I think back a couple Sundays a go when she spent 5 hours on FB and then said that she didn't feel like she got any time to relax all weekend.



me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the bigger problem and it has been long before the affair. She can't handle anything that might seem slightly critical or disproving. At the same time if I have a bad day, even if it has nothing to do with her, she somehow makes it about how I'm unhappy with her and how she can't make me happy. It makes it very hard to communicate my feelings to her.

I understand this. My husband is the same way. I wonder if her reaction to things stems from something in her childhood. The only reason I mention that is because of the similarities I've seen with my husband and I know for a fact that it comes from his childhood. Now, he's so wrapped up in his victim reality.

Life doesn't have to be all or nothing. There are lots of shades of grey in life.

This is exactly what I meant when I said she needs to find a balance. If she wants to use FB and you're both fine with it, then she needs to set a time (maybe an hour at a time/day) to go on it. It's just a website and shouldn't come before you and your marriage.

I think back a couple Sundays a go when she spent 5 hours on FB and then said that she didn't feel like she got any time to relax all weekend.

There is a big problem if she's on FB for 5 hours.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't say to demand she delete Facebook. I posted that maybe she shouldn't be on Facebook at this time. Her energy should be more focused on you and the marriage. I suggested you set your boundaries. What boundaries do you want her to have in regards to her use of Facebook? Oh, thats right, poor widdle baby cries when you set a boundary.

I would assume you came to SI to survive infidelity. We give advice, support and whatnot to help survive infidelity. You can take the suggestions or leave them. Oftentimes "helping" involves 2 x 4's or tough love. I didn't think I did either of those and or even suggested a scorched earth solution. However, maybe if she actually went and fucked her ex you would feel more that way (scorched earth), maybe not. *shrug* Don't know why you are getting all defensive.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J SM, as one who's FWW did exactly that, in 13 days no less, I also think the scorched earth is a little excessive. facebook is a tool, it was the user of the tool that chose to mis apply it.
T/J

ships, 5 hours, seriously? that's definitely abusing your relationship. it really should not be up to you to have to set that boundary, but it appears she has no clue.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3024 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
T/J SM, as one who's FWW did exactly that, in 13 days no less, I also think the scorched earth is a little excessive
I'll ask you 5454real where did I suggest a scorched earth policy? I am the one who said it was a tool, also. Didn't cause the infidelity. Read my first post third to last word. End t/j


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand this. My husband is the same way. I wonder if her reaction to things stems from something in her childhood. The only reason I mention that is because of the similarities I've seen with my husband and I know for a fact that it comes from his childhood. Now, he's so wrapped up in his victim reality.

Her childhood is a mixed bag of garbage. Bi-polar mother. Never knew her biological father. CSA. Add to that a family dynamic of outward affection but if you say one thing someone doesn't like it's months before they will talk to you again. I'm sure what is going on comes from her childhood, but with her's take your pick what the cause is. She's trying to work through all this.


This is exactly what I meant when I said she needs to find a balance. If she wants to use FB and you're both fine with it, then she needs to set a time (maybe an hour at a time/day) to go on it. It's just a website and shouldn't come before you and your marriage.

I took your meaning. That comment wasn't meant for you but those suggesting she shouldn't be allowed to have a FB.


There is a big problem if she's on FB for 5 hours.

ships, 5 hours, seriously? that's definitely abusing your relationship. it really should not be up to you to have to set that boundary, but it appears she has no clue.

Absolutely. The funny thing is when I pointed out that she was on FB for 5 hours she said "No it was only an hour or so." Which is really a huge problem in itself.

I should say she's backed off a lot sense then. The last three nights we haven't had a lot of time together, work schedules and such. And she's spent the hour or two we've had together on the tablet. We plan on doing something tonight with no electronics. So, after it all got blown out or proportion she heard me.

However, maybe if she actually went and fucked her ex you would feel more that way (scorched earth), maybe not. *shrug* Don't know why you are getting all defensive.

I have no idea why anyone would be defensive with the things you say. Just wow.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J
SM my apologies. after rereading, yes we are in total agreement. T/J


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3024 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ships, you may not like what I have to say and that's fine, but don't leave SI because of one up front somewhat rude woman (me).

Ok Jumping in with both feet here.....
Personally I have to disagree with your approach, and your perception of things.

Your wife has proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar. It's that simple. Now she used Facebook as her avenue to get there. There are many here who have had their spouse use some other thing to enable them to cheat, drugs, alcohol, religion, porn. Whatever...The point is until she figures out her reasons she has no business on FB. If she needs/wants to talk to friends then she can IM, Email, Call, visit. Those are all preferable alternatives.
You yourself pointed out she wants her ego kibbles, you realize yourself it's the attention she is wanting. Why in the world would you tolerate her being on it, or wasting 5 hours of her time on a weekend when valuable family time could be happening.
If she had spent 5 hours looking at porn would you tolerate that? If she had spent 5 hours drinking herself into oblivion? It's her escape, and right now, she needs to face reality.

You dont' want an all or none? Fine but there need to be limits, just like we limit our kids, because they lack the ability to make good sound decisions on their own.

She is using this all or none thing to manipulate you into submission. If she crys, and calls you out on it, you feel guilty, and you let it go.....That is why she does it. Next time you say hey it's been an hour how about we go for a walk, and when she throws that boohoo stuff at you say fine, cry all you want, but sleep on the couch tonight, you have obviously made your choice on what you value, I deserve more respect than that.....See how that goes. You may be surprised.

Again this is the opinion of one person and does not reflect the views of management or SI....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is using this all or none thing to manipulate you into submission. If she crys, and calls you out on it, you feel guilty, and you let it go.....That is why she does it. Next time you say hey it's been an hour how about we go for a walk, and when she throws that boohoo stuff at you say fine, cry all you want, but sleep on the couch tonight, you have obviously made your choice on what you value, I deserve more respect than that.....See how that goes. You may be surprised.

I don't find your post offensive in the least in fact you inadvertently pointed out a major flaw in my approach. I don't try to stop her while she's on FB and say "Hey let's go do this." Instead I let it go for a day or two and then when she's finally off later on that night I say "Hey I kind of feel like you're neglecting me for Facebook the last couple of days." I think your approach of suggesting something else while I'm feeling neglected instead of letting it grow is much more appropriate.

In fact I'd be willing to bet I won't get the tears from her with your approach. As you say, if I did she would deserve a consequence. I don't know if making her sleep on the couch is the answer, but it might be. That part I'll have to think through a bit.

Thank you.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WS has addiction problems and you are enabling her. Her addiction is FB. Obviously, she can't live without it. She is using that to avoid intimacy with you. She uses that to make herself feel better. She lost 5 hours and didn't realize where they went. She is afraid to deal with reality and she is escaping. You have told her that you would like her to spend some time with you and she still chooses fb. And you won't enforce the boundary because why? What are you afraid of? Don't shoot from the hip, don't get defensive. It isn't healthy for her to be there at this time, it is bad for you and your relationship but you are willing to put up with it for some reason.

Look, some people can have a glass of wine or go out for a night of drinking and have no real ill effects. Some can't. Some people can use fb in a healthy manner to connect with loved ones, but when real life is staring them in the face, they understand it is time to turn the virtual fantasy world off. 5 hours isn't connecting with family. 5 hours is escaping.....

But sometimes I feel like Facebook comes first and me second. She refers to Facebook as her "me" time. But I have a hard time seeing it that way. To me Facebook is about her reaching out and trying to connect with everyone but me. It's not her time, it's about ego kibble and false connections.
You said it all here, but when other posters have suggested she get rid of it for a while (especially since that is where she reconnected with her ex)....why are you discounting how this makes YOU feel? My WS reconnected with an ex on fb also, and he made the choice to help me feel safe again and put me first by getting rid of his social media. After a while, once he LEARNS new boundaries and he understands how to fill his emptiness in other ways besides superficial relationships, then he can probably join me on MY fb. But he lost his freedom to enjoy social media by using it to cheat, lie, and hide things from me. Why would I be okay with that?

It's not like FB made her do the things she did. She chose them. If I have to start mandating how she spends her time I don't want to be with her.
No, but FB made it easier and FB helped set up the type of atmosphere and opportunities. Knowing she is so weak right now, why are you okay with that? If she was a drinker, would you tell her it is okay to hang out in the bar because SHE has to make that choice not to drink? Of course she does, but not until she gets strong enough to be able to say no. Your WS isn't strong enough right now....why allow her the temptations? She needs to learn to connect with you and you both need to learn to be safe and open with each other. How is allowing her 5 hours on fb helping towards that? You guys should be dong things together, watching movies together that open up discussions, going to MC together, going to healthy relationship type programs together, reading relationship books together.....

ETA: I was working on this when tushnurse posted, and yeah, I agree with everything she is saying there....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 4:37 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 55
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.