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User Topic: Im just so disgusted **vent**
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you feel the need to defend yourself when you post about your situation. When you need support or just a place to vent, the last thing you should have to do is to make a disclaimer. While I cannot understand how it feels to be betrayed in the way you were, I do understand betrayal; BS or WS, it is why we are all here. It hurts. It sucks. Among many other things. Sometimes I find myself hesitant to post for fear of judgment, even though this is supposed to be a safe place..how can I expect someone to understand why I would possibly want to reconcile with a man who has cheated multiple times with hookers, unless they have been in that position themselves? Thanks for having the courage to put it all out there. You have given me strength today. ((confused))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 965 | Registered: Aug 2011
Butterfly24
♀ Member
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post makes me want to throw up. Because I know exactly how you feel. I opened my computer one day and found something wh had left open, I can't remember the first time exactly what it was, I think a picture of him, or maybe an email, I then went into investigator mode. I found cl ad's, emails, pictures, all for men.

I confronted him and I got the whole, I'm sorry, it is only a fantasy thing, I have never been with a man, all the usual bs.

Time goes on and I still have this compulsive need to snoop. I found more cl ads, then one day, much to my surprise, he leaves open a secret email account, it wasn't actually open, it was just the address. I don't know how really, but I hacked it, I figured out the password and I read all the emails. Both from him and from other men, I found phone #'s and I then searched the phone bill, I found out he had called some of these men and they him.

I confronted him again, but not before I sent all of these emails to my own secret email account. Again I got the same story, it's a fantasy, I have never been with a man, I'll stop, etc.

I was pissed and I told him that I had copied the emails and if I ever found anything else I would send them to his family.

I remember the first time, I was crying hysterically and I told him, if you are gay, you could have told me, before we even got together and I would have been your friend, if only you had been honest, told me, not tried to use me as a cover, it would have been fine, I would have been there for you. I actually said this to my wh.

I found out my wh had actually cheated on me when my dr told me I had herpes. My first thought was that he had been with a man. He told me it was a prostitute, a woman.

To this day I don't know if he is being honest. I like you trolled cl for a long time, looking at the ads and all the pics to see if I recognized my wh. I still do from time to time, but it's rare now. He still tells me he has never been with a man. I wish I knew for sure.

This is the first time I have posted this here on si. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I would like to talk to you, if you would.

I will admit that I was one to always joke that if my husband cheated it better be with a man, but when you find things like this it suddenly becomes the most horrific thing you can imagine.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happened to my friend. Her husband left his email open one day and she saw CL ads about sucking and clicked on it, and there was her husbands penis. Awful awful awful. I thought she was the only also. 2500 new posts! That is crazy!


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
WarmFuzzy
♀ New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Butterfly)))

Isn't it funny how we both posted today for the first time?

THANK YOU CONFUSED!

I encourage any of you guys who are in marriages where the spouse struggles with SSA, and you want to work on staying together monogamously, to look for the MonMOM group on Yahoo Groups. (Was that okay to mention that?)

It's hard enough dealing with the infidelity, but we get left with the big pink elephant in the room.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craigslist hater here too. They deserve to be put out of business for enabling the depravity IMO.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this! My sister just found out that her husband of 31 years was meeting men on Grinder, and found the pictures that he was sending, the things he was writing about his sexuality and his "sham marriage" and she's devastated. After hiring a PI she discovered his "uncle" that frequently stayed with them was not in fact his Uncle, and many more things were revealed about lifelong family friends in a similar context. I recommended SI for her, but she felt her first round of shock was more focused on realizing that her husband probably does prefer men. They are a very gung-ho career military family, so she also has a lot of fears about their future in non-marital ways. I can't bear how hurt and confused she is. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do sympathize with you dear.

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stumbled onto those CL ads one day and holy crap, they are disgusting...

The casual nature of it all is what is so disturbing. Putting someone's life at risk is no joke.

I'll never know if my x was into that level of kink, but he was into a lot of other things that put me at risk. The disrespect is truly appalling.

(((hugs)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just FYI, when I went for STD testing 4 yrs ago, my doctor told me I wasn't alone as a betrayed wife, that she was seeing way more STD testings due to infidelity. THEN, she said what had really escalated was STD testing for women whose husbands were having sex with other men. She said if it was comparable to the measles, for instance, it could be considered an epidemic.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you..all of you. I don't post about my situation very often...but Im really glad I did yesterday.

If anyone would like to PM me, please do. It helps to talk to someone who understands situation.

I have been tested for STD's..and I continue to be every 6 months. I do not believe he is cheating on me..but..I didn't think he was cheating 4 years ago either.and my health is too important to risk.

Im not longer going to make a disclaimer when I post about my situation(which I will be doing more of, now that I know there are more of us dealing with this). I am not a bigot. Im just going to trust that my reputation here at SI speaks for itself. Imagine how you all would feel if every time you bitched about the OW, you felt you had to make it clear you didn't hate all women? It would be ridiculous...disclaimers abound!!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always believed - and still do - that the clear majority of men are only as honest as their options.

I'm absolutely NOT suprised at all about the sheer volume of new ads you found on Craigslist.

Quite honestly, I don't hate Craigslist or sites like it. It's the pigs posting on those sites that disgust me. But men looking for a cheap thrill will always find a way to trawl for fresh meat - whether it's in the bars, on the streets, or online. Hell, drive by the adult book store on any given Saturday afternoon or evening and the parking lot is pretty full because tons of guys go into those places for a little 'guy' interaction in the movie rooms, etc. It's rampant.

Nothing surprises me anymore. It's so beyond my scope of understanding to try to imagine LIVING for my genitals like these men do.

Puke.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not a man..and I'll be damned if I pretend to be one for him.

Totally how I felt about it. It's not like he didn't know I was female when he said "I do". If he had been HONEST with me from the get-go and said, "Listen, Fire, I think I might be gay, or bisexual. I'm not sure right now", then I would have said, okay, I appreciate your honesty. Would I have continued to date him? I don't know. Would I have married him? No - and by his not being honest about how he felt, he took that choice away from me, as well as wasted years of his OWN life. All because he couldn't admit it.

I understand that it's hard for gay people to "come out" (especially back then when marriage wasn't legal anywhere) - but he was dating me and KNEW he could tell me anything. Why didn't he?

Maybe you, too, felt the same at the time.

I have felt like something must be seriously wrong with me to have felt that way..now I know Im not alone..thank you.

You're very welcome. I'm glad that I could help someone here. One of the biggest regrets that I have about this entire thing is that SI didn't exist (or wasn't very well known, anyway) at the time this was happening to me. If it had, I would have been here right away, because it really is one of the most understanding places I have ever seen for situations like this - or just infidelity in general.

So, in a way, you've helped me, too. Thank you.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always believed - and still do - that the clear majority of men are only as honest as their options.

That's kind of a shitty thing to say. It effectively says that the clear majority of men who aren't fucking around are only staying honest because they're too much a bunch of losers to score some strange.

When you use the words "clear majority" it includes the clear majority. If I were to say the clear majority of women are only as honest as their financial options I would expect a dressing down for it. Calling a clear majority of women whores is a pretty harsh generalization.

That said, wrt the topic - I think it is okay to be disgusted since it's a heterosexual relationship. I would expect a woman in a homosexual relationship to feel similarly if her spouse cheated on her with a man. It's not disgust at people, it's disgust at an act you are not comfortable with brought into your life against your will. I expect anyone of any sexual orientation would feel the same - like I said, it would be normal for one of a couple in a same sex relationship to be disgusted by a heterosexual encounter.

I don't think that immediately means bigotry. You aren't saying you don't like hetero/homo sexual people. You're saying you don't like being exposed to that situation.

I really, really hope I worded that in a way that isn't offensive to anyone and if my thoughts on the subject are hurtful or offensive I am happy to hear arguments why and adjust my perspective on it.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
emptiness2014
♀ Member
Member # 43092
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I am only a couple weeks out from discovering my husband's identity. He did come out to me a year ago as bi, and we both wanted to stay in the marriage. A few weeks ago he told me he is gay. We both wanted to stay and work it out. Been together 14 years and have 2 small kids. Then a week later I found a secret email account where he had emailed guys and met up with them, had profiles on hook-up sites, and even had one come into my house. He says he didn't do anything with any of them - couldn't go through with it. I obviously don't believe him.

Currently, we are still under the same roof, but separate rooms and no physical contact. I need the help with the kids and house, and he stays home with them 2 days a week. We also have too much debt to have separate households.

Have not told our daughter yet (son is too young). She understands he sleeps in a different room and hasn't asked anything further. We do not touch, and barely speak.

I go back and forth between missing him and hating him. And questioning everything in our past, and mourning the future. And then getting angry that he can so easily walk away from our family.

I totally get your disgust and anger. I would find random hookups disgusting no matter what, but the whole Down Low lifestyle disgusts me to the core.

And your quote about butterflies dying.....perfect!


BS (me): 32
WH: 33
Married: Feb 3, 2007
Discovery: Mar 26, 2014
Child 1: May 27, 2009
Child 2: May 23, 2012

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: canada
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's kind of a shitty thing to say. It effectively says that the clear majority of men who aren't fucking around are only staying honest because they're too much a bunch of losers to score some strange.

Well then, you misunderstood what I said.

I said the clear majority of men are only as honest as their options. Simply put, I feel that most men - if given the opportunity - would take advantage of it if they could get away with it.

Absolutely nowhere in my post was it inferred or insinuated that the non-majority were big losers and wouldn't even be given an opportunity. They weren't referred to at ALL because I was only referring to the majority.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI emptiness2014. Im so sorry you are dealing with this shit too.

Please don't believe him. He met up with men that he met from a hookup site. What I have learned about sites like that..the men are not fooling around...they are there to hookup..and it's EASY..many of them looking for NSA hookups. There is no way your husband met up with any of these men..and didn't go through with it.

You must get tested for STD's..right away. He has put your life at risk...


...speaking of which..um..WHAT THE FUCK???? He had at least one of these men in your HOME?? That is crazy dangerous. He has put the entire family at risk. He had a stranger in your house. I would be absolutely livid if I were you. Im so sorry. OMG.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:50 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
pepper77
♀ New Member
Member # 42337
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this thread was started--I was also feeling like my situation was unique/too outré to fit into 'just' SA or just online affairs, etc.

this is calling into question all of this personal identity stuff for me, it really does mess with your head.

And yeah, i do not want to look at Craigslist at all, ever again. All of these MFM 'I'm straight, but want a blow job' 'I can't host'. Yuck.

I also found out because I stumbled across an alternate email account and I still really can't believe it. What a mess.


Me, 30. SAXWH, 32.
D-day 1/24/14, TT over the next month (and I'm sure I still don't have the full story. Guess it doesn't matter.)
3 boys under 8.
Together 12 yrs, married 2. Divorced August 18.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2014
hopeandnohope
♀ New Member
Member # 43097
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea those sites existed. Texting and the internet make it too easy for filth and disgusting cheaters to fulfill a sinful sick fantasy. I thought sexting was bad but I had no idea about CL and those other sites. Maybe it's better to be single and celibate.

I think you have a very good vent.


Me 58
WS 55
together 17 years
2 grown kids each(none together)
finally past the wanting to die stage

Posts: 49 | Registered: Apr 2014
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

said the clear majority of men are only as honest as their options. Simply put, I feel that most men - if given the opportunity - would take advantage of it if they could get away with it.

Absolutely nowhere in my post was it inferred or insinuated that the non-majority were big losers and wouldn't even be given an opportunity. They weren't referred to at ALL because I was only referring to the majority.

No, I understood you exactly. Suggesting that only a small minority of men aren't a bunch of losers is a shitty thing to say. I don't think you understand yourself.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I was way off gt he mark on Craig's list. I thought it was a trading post (like sell used goods /household items).

Man what an eye opener. And people use it??? That's even scarier.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Melian40
♀ Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is something between kink, bisexuality and sex addiction. I think he's in deep self denial. His "abnormal" sexual behaviour towards me made me avoid sex with him as time passed by, until "I was the problem and didn't give sex to him", so he "found it somewhere else".
The funny thing is that they think you can "save" them from their "dark homosexual side", but noone can change that. They try different things, different women, but the problem still remains.
These urges come gradually as testosteron decreases. In 30's or 40's a man is usually already married with kids. He is "straight". How can he admit something like homosexuality? Most of them will NEVER admit it, they will keep torturing themselves and their spouses until they die.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 210 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 55
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