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User Topic: Im just so disgusted **vent**
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't looked at the casual encounters section on craigslist in a long time..several months. I haven't felt the need to...things are going well in R...my gut is fine..and going to CL once a week was setting my healing back. So I stopped.

Today, I looked. HUGE mistake.

Since Monday, there have been 2500 new ads in the mfm section. NEW ads. I skimmed the subject of the ad...checked a few pics(to make sure none were FWH)...and I feel sick. There are SO MANY MARRIED men on there looking for a "bi bud" that it took me by surprise. Now, clearly I know men do this. And I know many of them are married...as I said..it's not the first time I've looked in that section. But TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED NEW ADS??? Again, I skimmed, but many,many,many of them were from married men.

Ladies...this is happening. I used to think I was unique. That my situation was uncommon. But for every married man on there, there is a wife who has no idea. I didn't. None. Had anyone told me my FWH would have oral sex with a man I would have laughed. I won't say why, because it would come off as stereotypical and possibly offend someone. But my FWH? No..no..and no...had I not seen the emails/pics with my own eyes..I still wouldn't have believed it.

I know most of you are shaking your head..and saying nope..not MY husband..I know him..no way. And I truly hope you're right. But I'd bet the wives on the other side of those ads would say the same thing.

I guess this is just a vent. Seeing those pics.... selfies taken in the family bathroom.... with their wife's robe hanging on the door..the kids bathtub toys in the background...


I hate them. I hate them all. I have NO problem with people who are gay/lesbian. NONE. That's not what this is about so please hold your PM's telling me I need to be more tolerant. I have always..always..been very outspoken about equal rights and acceptance when it comes to gay,lesbian,transgendered people. That's one of the things that pisses me off..FWH knew this about me..yet still hid this from me. So..anyhoo..no..this isn't about me being full of hate for gay men. But bi..or bi curious..or gay men who are living a double life..with the good wife and kids at home..but they're giving blow and goes in the family van?? HATE THEM! I get that they may be struggling to come out..but boofuckinghoo! What about the wife who is being exposed to STD's? The kids who are forgotten in this quest to suck dick??? They are the victims here. Fuck THAT guy!


Vent over. No more looking at craigslist.

No more.


And can I just say...I really hate that I feel I have to explain that I am not a bigot every time I post something about my situation? I know that the majority of you "get it." But I am always so worried that someone will read what I have posted and take it the wrong way...so I feel I have to defend myself.

It's not a "I hate gays" thing. It's a "my HUSBAND cheated on me WITH A MAN and I am in an incredible amount of pain because of it so please try and understand that while I am not a bigot, I do hate men who lie about their sexuality." Thankyouverymuch.


Awwww. I feel better.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I didn't know this was such a big thing on CL. I'm thinking about my ws, no way, but I'm sure every one of those wives thinks the same thing. 2500 is a lot mm seeking outside the M...I'm shocked at the number that are actively in cheater mode.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5072 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a sad state this world is in. What ever happened to honesty and integrity?

(((confused615)))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((confused615)))
But bi..or bi curious..or gay men who are living a double life..with the good wife and kids at home..but they're giving blow and goes in the family van?? HATE THEM!
I totally get how you feel about this, confused. I have never felt that you ever came across as a bigot. I used to feel (before this shit happened) that if my fWH had ever cheated on me, if it was with a man, I wouldn't feel as bad because I would know that I just didn't have the equipment to compete. Ridiculous and I am sorry I even thought that. I also thought shortly after d-day that maybe I should switch "teams" so I wouldn't get cheated on ever again. (Hi drpj and peoplepleaser!)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9711 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand this because I would have laughed my as$ off if someone told me my ex was bi! There was no way that MY husband was interested in being with another man. No one who knows him would believe it either....unless the saw the pictures and read the messages he posted about s*ucking d%ck! It was the biggest shock of my life to discover that my ex was a closet cross dresser and bisexual!

I don't think there is anything wrong with it IF both partners in the marriage are aware of this before the marriage and have chosen to accept it as part of the marriage. I wasn't given that choice as he never told me about it and he knew he did this stuff for years before we met. I have a problem with the cheating, lying and denying when they are married, and this goes for either spouse.

I don't think it is possible to understand the depth of this betrayal unless you have lived it. It is the same as people who have not been cheated on can't comprehend how we betrayed feel unless they live it. When I discovered his cheating with the whores it was devastating but to then find out he was trolling for men in our area....it was like our entire marriage was a lie! It was soul crushing on top of the knife he had shoved into my back.

I hope this makes sense but it really is hard to put into words how it really feels.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
WarmFuzzy
♀ New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you in this, Confused. I never post here at SI because I'm afraid my situation would be perceived as too whack. Not only are we dealing with a ludicrous amount of cheating, but the betrayal of their sexual identity.

I don't know if anyone can understand how much this can twist a woman's heart and mind.

I hate Craigslist too. The amount of depravity that is enabled with that site makes me sick.

And the crazy thing? My husband and I are trying to stay together.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went there yesterday. Honestly I thought it was a casual dating part of Craigslist. oops I am naive. Looks like an STD cesspool. Not the kind of "cup of coffee" date I was looking for. Not in a position emotionally to date anyway just thought maybejust curious. I now kinda feel dirty.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always..always..been very outspoken about equal rights and acceptance when it comes to gay,lesbian,transgendered people. That's one of the things that pisses me off..FWH knew this about me..yet still hid this from me. So..anyhoo..no..this isn't about me being full of hate for gay men. But bi..or bi curious..or gay men who are living a double life..with the good wife and kids at home..but they're giving blow and goes in the family van?? HATE THEM!

I am (was) also in this situation, so I can relate. I remember just being shocked to the core when I found all of this out about my XH (though, in retrospect, I'm not sure how I missed it).

I don't know if anyone can understand how much this can twist a woman's heart and mind.

Amen to THAT. I STILL struggle with self-esteem issues because of my XH.

As far as Craigslist... ever since that one case where they discovered a serial killer was posting there, I've stayed far away from it. I don't need to sell things that badly.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for that, SMS. That means a lot to me.

I also said if he cheated and it were a man..it would be easier to deal with. HA! What a stupid thing to say. Finding out your husband has been with another man is soul crushing. It made me question every.single.memory. Every event...every moment of "us"...was I his "beard??" "Is he gay?" And HOW could I have laid next to this man for 15 years and not known this???

There have been times that I have hated ME..my body. Finding out he was with a man has been such an enormous mindfuck. I have gone through brief moments of insanity where I hated my body..because I didn't have a freaking penis. I mean..what?? I am an attractive, sexy woman(If I do say so myself..and I do. ). But I have hated my body because if I had a penis, maybe he wouldn't have done this...which is..as I pointed out..absolutely insane.

I wish the rest of you who are dealing with this would post more often. There are many of us on here in this situation...and other than WarmFuzzy (Welcome!)...I don't know of anyone else who is trying to R..or has R'd..with a man who cheated with another man.

Finding out your WH cheated with another man is a double betrayal. Lying about your sexuality is a huge betrayal..the very least a wife is entitled to know about their husband is his sexuality.


To anyone who is in my situation..it's ok to post here..stop lurking..you will be welcomed and supported. I have never been told what happened to me was any less of a betrayal..and short of a PM or two from a WH ( who no longer posts here)...no one has ever made me feel I didn't belong here. SI saved my life..literally.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate Craigslist, Backpage, Fuckbook, Ashley Madison.....all of them! The sad reality is that it appears there is absolutely no shame associated with cheating. I don't care what race, gender, nationality, whatever, it's cheating and it's just not right. Ever. Unfortunately, most people don't know it's there to this degree and the ones who do know about it seem to turn a blind eye.

I tried to sign up for free accounts on all the local sites I knew about in an effort to see if I could spot my SAFWH. It just got to be too much. Pages and pages of people soliciting themselves for sex. And, they even have enough nerve to put their picture up with their profile. I always a little anxious when I go out shopping anymore. I know that sooner or later I'm going to recognize someone.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Craigslist personals is pure insanity. If you ever wanted your eyes opened as to what real people are doing and looking for, that's where you'll find it. I looked for a couple days out of amusement. Opening the pictures is terrifying (unless you like pictures of penises). Gay, Bi, or straight, the men who advertise seem to think everyone wants to see their penis. The "strictly platonic" section should have the definition of both strict and platonic listed because the posts are usually about friends with benefits or just hooking up.

The first time I looked through it, I was absolutely shocked that people would advertise for sex with strangers. Even the Craigslist murders doesn't seem to have curtailed the practice at all. The internet certainly has made it easy for people to engage in whatever kind of strange they want and find thousands of other people willing to engage with them.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have hated my body because if I had a penis, maybe he wouldn't have done this...

This is exactly how I felt at the time. I didn't even know what to do about it, back then. I thought of getting sex toys to "simulate" the feeling, that kind of thing (sorry for the TMI), but knowing deep down that I would never be what he truly wanted... why try?

I didn't try for R because I knew it would do no good. He cheated with a woman at first, but I found out about the male/male thing because of porn stashed on the computer. Turns out that he was sleeping with his gay best friend, too, the whole time. The same best friend that had HIV - and, yes, he knew it. That is UNCONSCIONABLE. If it wasn't feeling unwanted, it would have been the simple fact that he put my health at risk. For months and months and months.

How could someone have DONE that to me? It's still something I struggle with every day. How can someone who supposedly loves you DO that?

I wish the rest of you who are dealing with this would post more often. There are many of us on here in this situation...and other than WarmFuzzy (Welcome!)...I don't know of anyone else who is trying to R..or has R'd..with a man who cheated with another man.

When I first got here (keep in mind, this was back in 2008), I was already 2 years divorced, but I was struggling with the after-effects of the A, the divorce itself, and I was struggling with depression. I wanted to talk about it, but when I tried to reach out, I was told (by members no doubt long gone now) that "I should be long over it by now". I was so hurt that I just stayed quiet and never participated. I read a lot, though, and I've managed to heal on my own. I stay because I know my situation is a little different and when I see people struggling, I try to offer input. Most of the time, though, I don't feel like I help much.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Fireball72))))))

You helped ME today. The TMI you mentioned? Yeah..I thought about that too..but just couldn't bring myself to do *that*...I am not a man..and I'll be damned if I pretend to be one for him..and thank you for telling me you felt that way about your non-penis ( )...I have felt like something must be seriously wrong with me to have felt that way..now I know Im not alone..thank you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WarmFuzzy
♀ New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, there is a Yahoo group that I'm a member of, for folks in Mixed Orientation Marriages (oh look, there's a name for this shitstorm!) that want to be monogamous. I would PM you, but I don't even know how to do that!

I at times am hopeful about my marriage. 25 years with this man. He keep this secret tightly reigned until massive midlife changes hit within a 12 month period. He said it wasn't a coming out so much as a coming apart.

But, I just don't know. It's been over a year since DDay, and I am still traumatized.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WarmFuzzy...Im almost 4 years out. At one year out, I was considering suicide. I was still in shock for the first 6 months..then the rage hit..and I was ANGRY for a very long time. I don't consider myself still traumatized. I AM better. I still get angry..but not as often..or as angry as before. I still cry..but not often. In fact, I've only cried once in the last month. That, my friend, is progress.

If you want to PM me, there is a little envelope with a smiley face on it in the right hand corner of my posts..click on it and it will take you to my profile and you can PM me.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:22 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WarmFuzzy
♀ New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, I'd actually love to talk with you. What you said just now makes me feel a little better about this anger I'm feeling again. Thought I was past that, but Noooooooo.

Four years out? Awesome! Hope you guys are doing well! I really want to believe that we can do this, and it helps to see others do it.

I don't think I can PM you....seems I have to make 50 posts before I can contact another member. (I understand that, however. Maybe I'll just run around and comment on stuff?)

Here's to healing, and focusing on the positive, and turning our backs on the negative....Like Craigslist.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Worries Confused - I think we here all get that you are pissesd off, hurt, angry, and surprised that your spouse and so many others out there have not moral backbone, no ethical code to live by, rather they would screw, suck, get off with anyone or thing that is willing to play along.

It the selfish destructive behavior that gets you. Not who he did it with.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if anyone can understand how much this can twist a woman's heart and mind.
Warmfuzzy, you should feel free to post more often. Even though your situation seems unique to you, each and every one of us feels our situations are unique. The common factor is they all involve infidelity, lies, and pain. So as a BH I may not be able to relate directly to you or the other stories but I and others truly understand. The pain inflicted upon me by my stbxww is no more or less painful than the pain your WH's inflicted on you with his A's. We get it which is why we are all here to support each other. I wish you, Confused, and others the best. Keep posting it helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:03 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWHs main thing was CL. The fristt two DDs I found emails for his CL ad. Looking for women. The last two he was advertising for men and women. The latest DD I found chat logs from yahoo messanger with the majority of the chats with men. He was a "straight master" looking for "sub fags" to "humiliate". This is how these things escalate. He claims he only had dirty chat, pic sharing, video masturbation and phone sex. No actual RL encounters. I will never know. It is so sad to see someone on such a slide. The desperation, the animal behavior. I too would troll CL looking for him from time to time, but you are right. It is too much disturbing content for me.

I am struggling as to if I want to dig more into the details or just look straight ahead. He has a CSAT now and if full disclosure happens under her direction, then so be it. I am tired of recounting what I HAVE seen, I dont know if I can take anymore....


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
WarmFuzzy
♀ New Member
Member # 42433
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, 7yrs, for the encouraging nudge. I read SI a lot. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it keeps the hurt going. I do realize that cheating is cheating. It all hurts. No matter the flavor.

My husband never intended to do this when he married me. I know this. He was banking on everything working out the way God intended it. He is struggling with his desires. I get it. But I am dying inside at times. It really is a mindfrak.

One of the hardest things is to not get lost in all his mess, you know? I read so much about, it's like I have to try and fix it. I need to find some peace with the concept of sharing life with someone, but not owning their shit.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 55
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