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User Topic: She expects me to go all out for her Bday.
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One ugly thing about humanity is that when faced with a kind, non-assertive, faithful, loyal individual like yourself, they tend to exploit and disrespect that person. Met this on SI before; a BH who would die for his woman and treated her very special, would end up on the receiving end of adultery. Weird.

Many women value arrogance, confidence, even brashness in a male; makes them feel secure I suppose. Your wife has absolutely no valid excuse for what she did except virtual contempt for you. As another poster said you can change and become stronger and tougher. Start by telling your fiancÚ that you will consider marriage in 10 years time, when you will have a better idea of whether she will make a faithful wife. All birthdays will now not be celebrated because of her cheating and any more episodes of disrespect will result in the engagement being terminated.

Maybe your wife is jealous of your relationship with your daughter; the deep love you feel for your child may be a threat to her. Its possible she thinks your love is better expended on her and interprets your very deep affection for your daughter as a kind of rejection. Selfish and narcissistic behavior, but not uncommon.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to get honest!

The story of the affair stretches over the past 6 months. Included 3 OM and 2 OW

Until you speak the truth and verbalize your pain, the two of you are not in R.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your fiancÚ has had sex with 5 partners in the last 6 months and now professes that she will not cheat again? Do you believe a word that comes out of her mouth?

In a previous post you implied that you could get custody of your daughter if the engagement were to end. Might be a good idea to set the wheels in motion, because this lady is going to cheat the first time you fail to take out the garbage.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to the birthday question . . . if you intend to celebrate it at all, perhaps it could be done simply. A card. A dinner out. She needs to know that birthdays--yours, hers--are a trigger for you now and you're not able to party right now. Perhaps a half-birthday (6 months from the actual day) celebration could be planned? First for you, though. You get the first do-over. If she can get it right this time, then maybe you'll be in a more festive mood when her half-birthday comes along.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus... I assume you are familiar with the philosopher behind your user name.

Erasmus believed that the ideal Christian life was to follow a life of virtue based on Christ's example.

I am not sure if you are religious, but that definition certainly is at odds with your girlfriend's (let's call her for what she is) behavior.

I do not know your personal and financial situation, but from your narrative, few things come to mind. I hope you don't mind my being direct and blunt, but I think you need a reality check.

First: Is it possible that she is in it for the financial security / comfort / etc.? I gather from your description that she is a little bit too attached to material things. Gold diggers come in different form and shape. Sometime, in their mind, having a child with the victim/partner fix firmly the hook. While the push to get married is not an evidence by itself, it could be construed as such.

Second: Five partners in 6 months? Men and women. One is a lot to process... five... not so sure. Are you ok with her sexual preferences? Is there the possibility that she is bi-polar as this kind of behavior seems to be associated to bi-polar people (not the sexual preference, but the number of partners in a relatively short time).

Third: Your admitted timidity could put you at risk of further abuse / cheating / etc. I would recommend that you start IC and explore how could you become more assertive, especially in your relationship.

With the premise that I am not giving you legal advice and that I am not a lawyer, if you still want to stay in this relationship with your girlfriend and want to consider getting married to her, I would suggest that you do that based on a pre-nuptial agreement, provided that they are enforceable in your state. The other aspect you want to keep into consideration is that,even if you do not get formally married, with the passage of time, she might acquire the same right as if you were married since you relationship could be considered a common law marriage. Talk to a lawyer about your option.

Regardless, think really hard before embarking in the reconciliation journey with your girlfriend. As others have clearly stated, she does not seem to be fully aware of the damage she has inflicted on you. It would seem that she feels entitled to whatever she wants at that moment (being men, women, jewelry, birthday presents, etc.). In a nutshell, she is not reconciliation material. You are young, your daughter is one-year old. Removing this woman from her life now will not be as traumatic as removing her in five, ten, or fifteen years. You sound like a decent guy and I am sure that you could find someone else with whom you could have a normal and decent relationship.

Finally, and again, please work on your assertiveness. You are worth it and deserve it.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 7:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
ladycody
♀ Member
Member # 41401
Concerned  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that she can't. ..without being told...understand the impact ALL birthdays will have on you from now on...the pain and memories they will drag up. Even being at a party for a friend down the road will be a reminder. I agree with Frankier...and am sorry you are dealing with this when her concern should be you and the relationship you share...not herself.


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
DOH!  Posted: 8:15 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I thought I missed something about number of APs in this thread so did the search thingie.

You need to set the wheels in motion now. She is not just a WF she is a serial cheater. Unfortunately they hardly ever change. I would def see about custody.

Believe me I get the BDAy thing, my FWSO's was on our anniversary a few days before my BDay. Just fabulous. It has taken 2 years for us to even do a small just us birthday thing. It will be many years before I can do anything public, I just trigger too badly.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 982 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The repeated pushes to finalize the marriage make me supremely nervous that she could be trying to pull me into a trap of some kind. It's very very confusing. Or I could be completely wrong and she views it as cementing her commitment to me. I don't know. I overanalyze everything.

Overanalysis is code to me - for learning to trust your gut. Questioning yourself is beautiful, it's not how people who throw themselves onto strange dick think. They move by impulse.

Here's another key, guess I'm in codebreaking mode.

I want her to know she is very VERY important to me but I cannot simply shower her with gifts and unrestrained affection after what she did to me.

(& you stated - you don't know how to do this...whole thing)

Here's how. This is the how. No matter how hard it is to hear, this is still the how.
Take your energy,
all your care and concern,
all your heartbreak and time,

and turn that around.

How important are you to yourself?
How bout do this...for once...focus on you and what's important within yourself? I cheezus guarantee you, once you start doing that work, and it's high time you did brother, once you become the most important person in your own life, you'll love your baby more and best.

I have two methods of thought generally. Hopelessly optimistic and the flip side, criminally cynical. It's something I need to work on.

True dat. That is generally known as "black and white thinking" - sometimes called "magical thinking". Good on you to recognize that. I hope you continue to post here as you grow through this gawdawful mess. You can be a real contributor to the healing of others. Pass it on.

She's experienced trauma in her life that most women will never encounter and would be absolutely terrified to even think about. I know it's caused excessive damage to her emotionally. She needs counselling, without question. So do I. We're a couple of people with severe emotional trauma in our pasts.

You probably need to talk about this a bit...
It's trauma-bonding, plain and simple. I'm sorry.
It may not be healthy for you and your healing to stay with this woman. Sorry to break the news - well other great posters have told you (some of the finest!) but please Mr. Logical - get your dam ducks in a row.

Frankier wrote:

I would suggest that you do that based on a pre-nuptial agreement, provided that they are enforceable in your state.

I am in your state. I've been through this twice.
It sucks, but the truth is, it depends on how much money you have. Judges don't like boyfriends, last I heard. If you're anywhere near me, pm me. First beer's on me. I suggest Dead Poser Porter to start.

OK now wrote:

Many women value arrogance, confidence, even brashness in a male; makes them feel secure I suppose.

I kind of hate posting this 'out there' in the open...but notice the "I suppose"?
Like we are hardwired to notice cleavage, or ass or legs or eyes (pik yer poison), wimmenz, they're hardwired to respond to strength. It's fukking tough to admit it, and I love ok now, but there it is -
Be STRONG.
Put. Your. Foot. Down.
(we can overcome hardwiring with our minds and our wills, you and I, but I'm BETTING big bucks! - she's not that deep or introspective...she's driven by her coping mechanisms - that are as broken as she is!)

I'm sending strength to you Erasmus. Maybe we could share a beer someday, pm me, just go read back on Softcentre, she's right.

And check out that gif again. MR knows it's my favorite. It calls me in like bees to honey...
(that's cuz I'm transparent and all, hope I didn't breaks the internets)


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
guiltyone
♂ Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erasmus- don't marry this woman.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2011
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW my birthday was 6 days before my confession. It was a big trip in which the last few days including the day of my birthday were filled with no eating, nauseous. I've said it before the moment he came into the hotel room, turned out the lights and sang me happy birthday using his phone as a candle my heart broke into pieces I'd barely been holding onto. I knew in that moment I had to confess and I knew in that moment I would lose him. I did not want to celebrate my next birthday, have tried to make his last 2 special. He took me out to dinner and bought me a present for my last one and I was shocked and full of guilt. My next birthday is one of the big ones most people would celebrate. I am dreading it. Not one bit of me wants to celebrate it. This is going to be 2 years later and I am still not ready.

You are a little over a month from day. Your WS is a fool. Dropping hints and wanting a big celebration for anything at this point is selfish. She should be focused on your healing and her healing not on a party. I'm sorry if I'm being to judgemental here but all I thought when I read your original post was fuck her wants for a celebration. You do what you need to do not what she wants maybe she'll learn its not all about her anymore.

ETA: I just read some more of your responses. If you choose to R that is your choice but please do not marry her yet. She does not deserve that gift after her actions. Past traumas might be a root behind why some of it happened but it needs to be dealt with. Either she grows up and take responsibility or kick her out. Just my opinion.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:35 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2641 | Registered: Oct 2012
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For her to expect you to go out of your way for her birthday this year shows that she is still very selfish. And honestly, if she had an ounce of integrity, why would she even want it?? I would think that you going out of your way for her right now would make her feel guilty given what she's put you through.

Her attitude also shows that she is not remorseful bc she does not understand the depth of the pain she has caused. At 2 months out we were BOTH walking around like zombies. The last thing on either of our minds was a party, no matter the occasion. So, it makes me think that she is still just completely wrapped up in herself.

Take care and be strong.

Oh, and do NOT get married. It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. So, it needs to be at least that long before you make a decision about marriage. In many ways she has given you a "gift" (ha!) of showing you this side of herself BEFORE you got married. Take advantage of that.

The situation is not necessarily unsalvagable. But be very, very careful. And do not stand for selfishness on her part.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

frankier,

I am quite familiar with Erasmus and what he believed, part of the reason I chose this username. I read your post last night and thought about it all evening. I wanted to process what you said before replying.

Sorry everyone, this is going to be long.

Before I get into the replies, which I very much want to give. Let me start with this...

Last night it came to a head. We were sitting in the living room discussing our relationship and what the future possibilities are. I wanted to wait until Saturday to tell her about my issues with her birthday but I simply could not.

I told her very matter-of-factly that I will not be celebrating her birthday this year. I expected an angry response from her but much to my surprise she understood. She was a tiny bit irritated at first but once I started explaining my position she turned around instantly. I told her how badly her actions on my birthday had hurt me. I told her that I no longer even wanted to celebrate my own birthday as every single one for the rest of my life will remind me of my 35th, this year, and what she did to me. I told her that I cannot even begin to think about making her day special after she had so callously disregarded me on mine.

She asked me "what did you do for me on my last birthday". To which I replied, "I didn't sleep with another woman and leave you alone all night." It seemed to hit her in the heart, she lowered her head with a noticeable degree of shame and said "im sorry, im so so sorry for what I did to you. nothing i can do will take it back but if i could i would. i just want to show you how sorry i am and that you and our family is what i want more than anything. please let me prove it to you." (not verbatim but pretty close to that)

Now I know it could be something that a manipulator would say in that situation but what I cannot do on here (SI) is convey the look on her face and the tone of her voice.

She fully accepted the fact that her birthday this year doesn't exist. Her birthday next year may get her a card or perhaps just a "happy birthday." I don't know where I'll be next year, we'll have to see.

Her attitude told me a lot last night. She didn't get angry. She didn't storm off in a huff. She seemed to realize, for the first time, the true extent of the damage she caused. Telling her how I felt was hugely important. I was slipping into that mode of assuming she could read my thoughts and understood, without me saying anything, how badly I've been injured by her selfish actions.

Now to reply:

frankier

I am not sure if you are religious, but that definition certainly is at odds with your girlfriend's (let's call her for what she is) behavior.

I'm a catholic, maybe not practicing to the extent that some would prefer, but I hold my religion close to my heart for my own reasons. I find strength in the writings and hope in the message.

First: Is it possible that she is in it for the financial security / comfort / etc.? I gather from your description that she is a little bit too attached to material things. Gold diggers come in different form and shape. Sometime, in their mind, having a child with the victim/partner fix firmly the hook. While the push to get married is not an evidence by itself, it could be construed as such.

This is a possibility, I would be blind to ignore it. But I do not believe this is the case. We're well off, not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but comfortable. I would say she is as materialistic as any woman might be, but not excessivly so. I like nice things, she likes nice things. She has never once insisted that I buy her something specific.

Second: Five partners in 6 months? Men and women. One is a lot to process... five... not so sure. Are you ok with her sexual preferences? Is there the possibility that she is bi-polar as this kind of behavior seems to be associated to bi-polar people.

Yes, this is a bit shocking, I know. My opinions on sexual preferences are directly at odds with my religious choices but what I do know is that God loves all his children and I cannot accept that he would judge me any more harshly than anyone else for my own choices/preferences. I believe that we are here to experience this world and this flesh and we should not contain our likes and dislikes in an effort to appease anyone else. Including God.

It's a lot to handle but in the end I do believe that her actions were for sexual release, not emotional need or attachment. Our sex life had slowed to a crawl at the time. We were intimate perhaps once a month, at most.

Third: Your admitted timidity could put you at risk of further abuse / cheating / etc. I would recommend that you start IC and explore how could you become more assertive, especially in your relationship.

I am timid, quiet, and sometimes non-assertive. I'm not a pushover tho. When something becomes important enough to me I do become quite assertive. I do rugsweep sometimes however, I can admit that.

if you still want to stay in this relationship with your girlfriend and want to consider getting married to her, I would suggest that you do that based on a pre-nuptial agreement

This is already a forgone conclusion. However, marriage is completely off the table of discussion for me right now. I just need to explain this to her more clearly. I will not marry her right now. It will likely be years before we can even get close to it now. This is the other reaction from her I need to witness. While it makes me nervous that she will react badly to hearing this, something inside me tells me she just might understand.

jjct

Take your energy,
all your care and concern,
all your heartbreak and time,
and turn that around.

You are absolutely correct. More correct than I've been thus far. This is something I'm making a concerted effort to change. I've started to pull back a little and create some distance, for my own sanity. It's having a noticable effect on her attitude towards the affair and the damage it has caused.

You probably need to talk about this a bit...

I'm extremely hesitant to talk about any of this publicly as the nature of it is quite disturbing. We both have experienced things in our lives that would likely shock people to their core. I don't feel as though our relationship is based on trauma bonding tho.

(we can overcome hardwiring with our minds and our wills, you and I, but I'm BETTING big bucks! - she's not that deep or introspective...she's driven by her coping mechanisms - that are as broken as she is!)

This is what I'm hoping is wrong. I know her fairly well and I can admit that she is not as logical or introspective as I am. But I can see in her eyes that she does care. I feel it from her. She's made a terrible mistake (series of mistakes). We all can agree on that. I've made mistakes too, no doubt. The question is where do we go from here. Do we throw our hands up and call it quits? Do we try to make the effort for the sake of each other and our family? I know they're both options and I feel as tho I should choose the later and give her the chance to make things right. It's in her hands where we go right now. I will not stick it out with her if there is even so much as a conversation with another person that I would find suspicious or disapprove of. It doesn't even have to make it to the "cheating" stage. I. Will. Leave.

I'm sending strength to you Erasmus. Maybe we could share a beer someday, pm me, just go read back on Softcentre, she's right.

Thank you for your post, thoughts and support. I would love to grab a beer sometime if possible but you'll have to pm me, I haven't made 50 posts yet. :)

I know this was an insanely long post but I couldn't find any shorter way to lay all this out and reply to both frankier & jjct.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shew! Neither of us broke teh internets...

I should have made it more clear when I said you need to talk about it a bit...sorry if I made you uncomfortable, or seemed like pressing you...

IC. If you can, schedule one for yourself. Should have made that clearer...

A little adjustment of the jib turns this around:
" I've started to pull back a little and create some distance..."
into
moving into yourself...

You're doing well - given the immensity of this.
Stay strong.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are much more forgiving than I would be under like circumstances. I would consider throwing her a semi surprise birthday party in a fancy restaurant and invite precisely five other guests who she knows very well. Have her enter after they are all assembled at the table. And, of course, tape the grand entrance and it's aftermath.

But you aren't evil like I am.

Perhaps there was a breakthrough, but I suspect she isn't yet "cured" of her wayward ways. Not everyone is Paul on the road to Damascus. She is the one to do the heavy lifting now to show you over time that she has changed.


Posts: 744 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About the pressure to marry her.

Give her a time frame. Say 3 or 4 years. Tell her you need that much time to see if you can build back some of the trust she destroyed. Tell her you wont even consider talking about M before that mark or 3 or 4 years.

Give yourself time to figure out who she really is. Give yourself time to heal.

Dont enter into a M unless you are healthy emotionally and she is the same.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3370 | Registered: Sep 2007
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now, she telling you what you need for you not to leave. There are limits to forgiveness and your fiancÚ has exceeded them with 5 sex partners in 6 months. What you aren't taking into the equation is that your partner can have no respect for you, not even love you and still want the relationship, with its financial security, companionship and co-parenting aspects.

You have to draw the line somewhere. How much adultery and disrespect can be tolerated? How can you trust this woman in the future? For the rest of your relationship you will need to watch and monitor her. She seems to have very intense sexual needs and considering marriage has strong up and downs, the next time she's pissed off, guess what she will do. Its a matter of statistical risk and unless you are OK with an open relationship, you are taking too big of a chance by staying with her.

One further point, in an earlier post of yours you expressed the utmost confidence that you would win custody of your daughter if you separated. You had some information about your fiancÚ that would preclude her getting custody. Surely your fiancÚ is also aware of this, so if you leave she loses her daughter as well. All the more reason to display 'remorse' in order to get you to reconcile. Its a matter of sincerity and I suspect that is lacking; you could be getting crocodile tear remorse from your partner.

[This message edited by OK now at 6:32 AM, April 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing this woman should be getting for her birthday is a counselling appointment and maybe after that a polygraph to find out how many more encounters she has had that she's not telling you about.

My x never made a big fuss about my birthdays and I never used that as an excuse to go out and troll the internet for some guy to make me feel better about it.

Sane people don't do stuff like that.

Big hugs. I hope you can get some clarity and make the right decision here.

Don't marry this one Erasmus. You are in for a world of hurt if you do.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17165 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aside from the correct words, what else has she done to shown you that she is willing to change ? Specifically what actions has she already taken to show her sincerity ? A person who expects above average attention for a milestone in their life, after cheating and creating a fucking emotional Tsunami does not sound too sincere to me. Remorse must exist before moving forward. And with remorse comes contrition, humbleness and selflessness. I honestly don't see any of those conditions in her current character. After all it was her constant need for said attention that got her into trouble in the first place. From where I sit she is not R material at this moment. Just my .02 cents.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 12:49 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5568 | Registered: Nov 2007
Blobette
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Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Usually by the end of three pages I have nothing to add... But in this case, one thing lept out at me: "I'm low maintenance." I always used to say this about myself! I've now updated this to, "I'm a bit co-dependent". Look at the thread on JFO that's headed something like, "Co-dependency: a BS's common mistake". One way of thinking about being low-maintenance is that you've trained yourself not to expect much from other people, usually because your FOO treated you like shit, so you lower your expectations so as not to get hurt. People like you because you're low-stress, easy-going. Another component of being co-dependent is that you're the responsible one in the relationship. They're "fun" and you take care of them.

In other word, we kinda set ourselves up to be doormats. We enable our SOS to be selfish children. We don't assert ourselves or make demands, because we're resigned to the fact that other people will always let us down.
Maybe I'm projecting too much on you, but it may be worth thinking about why you're so reluctant to assert yourself with her.

Hope this is helpful. Take what's useful and leave the rest.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aside from the correct words, what else has she done to shown you that she is willing to change ? Specifically what actions has she already taken to show her sincerity?

This is a tough one as I'm not entirely sure what to be looking for but I can detail some of the steps she's made that I believe apply.

She opened up everything to me. Phone, emails, her laptop, everything. There's nothing she hasn't made available to me, willingly. Without resistance. I could easily have gained access to everything without her knowing but the fact that she offered it all up before I even had to ask made me pause.

She TT'd me in the beginning, without question. I caught her doing it red handed and called her out on it. She then proceeded to dump a whole lot more information on me which triggered a complete relapse of dday. Crushed me to the core,again. She watched it happen and I could tell it disturbed her deeply. Since that last dump of truth she has answered anything and everything I have asked, and some of my questions have been pretty difficult. I've pushed over and over for more from her but I feel I've hit the full disclosure wall and there just isn't any more to hear. I could be wrong about this, but I don't believe so based on her attitude and responses when asked/pushed.

She was right in the middle of a semester of school, working hard towards her degree and nursing career. She dropped out because it was preventing us from spending enough time together. I fully support her in her effort to earn that degree and I know how much it means to her. This was a big positive sign for me. It told me that she does understand priorities and right now our relationship is more important to her.

The reason I started this thread was because of her attitude about her birthday, the problem was that prior to the original post I had not made my feelings clear to her. I had not explained that my birthdays are essentially ruined for the foreseeable future and that I really don't have the ability to give 2 shits about hers right now. After talking to her about this and explaining exactly what I was feeling, she understood. I expected waterworks and resistance but was met with none of either. She got it.

We had a fantastic day yesterday with our little one, another couple we're close with and their kids out at a state park. The kids played and swam and the adults all had some quality time together. Afterwards we dropped our little one off at grandma's and came home for one of the 2 nights a month we get to be alone together. She cried the whole ride home and kept telling me how stupid she had been. How she knows now what she had put at risk through her selfish actions. How she understands that the one thing she never had growing up, a family that's together and loving, could have vanished in front of her eyes if I had reacted differently and walked away when I found out. We got home and spent the rest of the night talking and trying to break down some of the issues that I'm having with trust. She knows there is absolutely nothing that she can do that will make my trust come back any faster. She understands that the ONLY way is to not give me any reason to doubt her again.

Sorry again for the length of the post... I guess I'm a SLP (serial long poster) :)


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 61
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

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