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User Topic: She expects me to go all out for her Bday.
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So one of the most damaging parts of the A for me was on my birthday this year. I came home from work expecting to spend the evening with her, maybe have some dinner and then time to ourselves.

What happened was somewhat different tho... I came home from work and she left within an hour to "go have drinks with a friend" and I never saw her again that night. She was out having sex with another man while I sat at home, alone, on my birthday. Not only that but she spent the whole night with him and didn't come home until about 9am the next morning. I was shocked she could be so heartless but at the time I was somewhat in denial and didn't connect the dots. I stupidly assumed she really did have drinks with one of her girlfriends and then was too drunk to drive home. In a blind way I applauded her for making a good decision not to drive drunk, even tho I was extremely hurt that she would choose to go out with a "girlfriend" on my birthday.

Of course the reality of what happened was insanely more hurtful than the story I was fed.

This was at the end of Jan. and her next birthday is coming up in a couple months. She's dropping hints all over the place that she expects me to make it very special for her. I don't know if I can. How could I go out of my way to honor her on her birthday and make it a super special day for her when my own birthday this year was shat upon in the most heinous way.

Am I being vindictive? Should I let by gones be by gones and try to make it special for her regardless of what she did to me? I love her dearly and I do care that she feels special on that day. A little piece of me inside tells me "dude, it's ok and maybe this is a step forward and out of the pain"

I don't know...


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would keep it low key. Celebrate definitely, all out, not so much.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you are fresh out from dday and you should be showering her with a knock-out birthday?

CHA!!

Where are the 2 of you? Have you been actively healing? Are you guys going to attempt R?

Is she in IC? Does she understand what she has done to you, the bomb she dropped that blew your world apart?

She should expect nothing, no birthday treats, no surprises, no fun and games.

What she needs to do is work her ass off (you do too for it to work...) to get the 2 of you to a point where you want to celebrate her again.

Right now she is lucky you are still in the marriage.

I would sit her down and explain why her birthday will be a non-issue this year and see if she even gets it...I suspect not.

Her reaction could be telling though, I think she hasn't found remorse.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:43 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you talked your wife about how you feel?


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything karma said!


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you can go out for drinks with some of your friends. Leave her at home. (Of course skip the cheating bit) But you go have fun. And when she gets all pissy, be all "What? Isn't this how you celebrated my birthday?"

Ok. Not the most constructive thing evah, but it was the first thing that came to mind.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hell no.

My WH didn't get me anything for my birthday. He said I didn't tell him what I wanted even though he had asked several times. I reminded him of the things I had told him he could get me. 2 weeks later, he throws a bag on the bed and says happy birthday. I had wrapped presents here for him to open because I was going to be out of town for his birthday. Then he went all out for Valentines Day. I gave him a card that I got at a garage sale and had been sitting around the house forever. I just wasn't feeling it. I was hurt. I don't feel like I was being vindictive.

Do what makes you feel good. Do you want to go all out? If you don't, then don't do it.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

karmahappens,

I honestly suspect she has not found true remorse yet, but... She does little things for me that she's never done before, like making my lunch for work in the mornings and including little love notes to me that I get mid-day when I open my lunch. She always slept in and our mornings have always consisted of me waking up and getting ready and then giving her a kiss before I left and her going back to sleep until the little one wakes up. She changed that and now gets up with me every morning.

We are attempting R but I have huge trust issues right now and am living under the assumption that it's just going to happen again, it's only a matter of time. It's incredibly damaging to my ability to heal.

I would sit her down and explain why her birthday will be a non-issue this year and see if she even gets it...I suspect not.

She would be very upset. I know this much as fact.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will be more upset if she's expecting something and it doesn't happen. Better to set expectations and explain how you are feeling.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not be able to go all out for my fiance's birthday if he had treated me in such a callous and heartless way on my own birthday.

That isn't vindictive. That's pain.

I would tell her that you're unable to give her the "you're a princess diva only focus of the day" kind of celebration.

And I would tell her that it DIRECTLY relates to what SHE did on YOUR birthday.

And then I would probably do what Aubrie suggsted. Go out with MY friend and have a few drinks. (Skipping the cheating part, as well.)

[This message edited by itainteasy at 11:09 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wodnships,

Agreed 100%. I need to buck up and talk to her about it. She either gets it or she doesn't I guess.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't come across as a very assertive person, a little timid maybe? Your wife cheating on your birthday was total disrespect and I would have divorced her anyway, so whether or not to celebrate her birthday would not even remotely be an issue.

She plainly feels sorry for you, pity maybe, and you are waiting for her to cheat again, "its just a matter of time" I believe you said. What a awful situation to be in, but you have chosen to stay and make it work; if you can.

As for her birthday I would remind her that she cheated on mine and I will not celebrate hers. However she will retaliate, so if you can't handle that, you may as well bring out the garlands and kazoos.


Posts: 1822 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Erasmus

I am sorry this stuff...

She does little things for me that she's never done before, like making my lunch for work in the mornings and including little love notes to me that I get mid-day when I open my lunch. She always slept in and our mornings have always consisted of me waking up and getting ready and then giving her a kiss before I left and her going back to sleep until the little one wakes up. She changed that and now gets up with me every morning.

Does not qualify for remorse and working on healing yourself.

Anyone can do a little more around the house, make lunches and get up early with little to no effort.

You are not a puppy she needs to pat on the head for attention. You are her fiance, partner. She betrayed you and walked all over your marriage and chose to have the finale on your birthday.

No, no, no.

She hasn't found her remorse. If she could actually get angry for talking to her about how you feel...how she hurt you?

We are attempting R but I have huge trust issues right now and am living under the assumption that it's just going to happen again, it's only a matter of time. It's incredibly damaging to my ability to heal.

You have trust issues because you haven't begun to heal yet. You cannot heal and do R alone.

Do you want to R or do you want the appearance of a marriage? What you are doing now is rug-sweeping, allowing her to call the shots on your feelings and your situation.

She needs to start stepping up to the plate and you need to strap on a pair of bitch boots ( I have plenty you can borrow )

You are afraid for her to get angry, possibly walk, maybe screw around again? Well the non-action will ensure you are here again in 1-2-3 years....you have to acknowledge it and fix it.

You are worth the time and effort it takes to R. I have been through it and it isn't easy to stand up for you, so you need to learn how and start doing it. For you, for your self esteem and for your future.

Please stop letting her drive the car, take over the direction of your life.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:33 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, you have already offered her the largest gift she will ever get in her lifetime. its up to her if she decides to reconcile or not.

unfortunately,TBH, so far it sounds like she hasn't accepted it yet.

hang tough brother

strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:35 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now,

I am timid, I can admit that. I'm also a little bit of a scaredy-cat. I hate these aspects of my personality but it's who I am.

I'm extremely lost right now and really not sure what the correct course of action in our relationship will be. She's shown utter disregard for my feelings in the past and is the primary reason I expect it to happen again. Tho if it does, it's over and she moves in with her mother. I will not accept any further bullshit from her, especially cheating bullshit.

I'm extremely upset about her attitude regarding her birthday. I'm having a very difficult time understanding how she could do this to me on my birthday and still expect me to go balls-out for hers. It doesn't add up and it makes me extremely anxious about the possibility that things are still happening behind my back.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The common thread that runs through the cheater cloth is selfishness. This just drives home the point. She still EXPECTS for everything to be all about her but, the way I look at it, the cheater went out of their way to make sure that things went their way and their needs were met. It was all about them.

Now, it's time for you. She doesn't get the luxury of things going back to the way things were or, for that matter, even staying the same. She blew that up. Her. So, the fact that it's not all about her now is because she blew it up.

My H turned 60 in Sept. I had planned for 2 years for the big bash I wanted to throw in his honor. Tents, live music, the works. He got a card instead and that's because I was feeling generous that day.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2013
emmybear
♀ New Member
Member # 42934
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^this You have given her the gift of R. The last thing I would do would go all out for her birthday after what she did to me. I also don't think it is vindictive, I think it is the reality of the situation, the reality of her behavior that she doesn't want to/hasn't seen yet.



Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am timid, I can admit that. I'm also a little bit of a scaredy-cat. I hate these aspects of my personality but it's who I am.

If you hate an aspect of your personality you don't have to accept it as who you are. You can change it if you really want to. It's rarely easy and often requires IC, but if you don't like something about yourself don't just say "it's who I am." work to make it better.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 539 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm extremely upset about her attitude regarding her birthday. I'm having a very difficult time understanding how she could do this to me on my birthday and still expect me to go balls-out for hers.

Tell her exactly that. You can even copy and paste this into an email to her.

If she does not get that, if she becomes upset by that, then it is time to walk away. Because I guarantee you will get more bullshit from her.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Erasmus
♂ Member
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat,

I am going to tell her this. I have to tell her this.

I've felt very dead inside since dday. All emotion, after the initial shock, just went away. It hasn't started to come back until very recently, the last couple days in fact. The emotion that has resurfaced first? Anger. Uncontrollable anger. Anger that makes me want to lash out at someone and inflict the kind of pain I feel inside every second of every day.

I care deeply for my wife and I do love her. But I feel disconnected from reality. Like I'm looking down on someone else's life. I want her to know I care about her very much, but I don't have the will inside me to make her day special after my day was so viciously destroyed this year.

I told her that my 35th was a milestone I've had in my mind since I was about 7 years old. For me it was the last turning point between early life and the rest of this adventure we're all on. I always imagined how special that day would be. I built it up for 28 years and when it finally came it... all... came... crashing... down. It was like being hit over the head with a lead sock. I'm so distressed about it that it feels like my life has been a waste of false hope.


Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 61
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