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User Topic: Why am I not having mind movies?
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had an affair with one of my best friends and supervisor at work. According to everything I was told on d-day it was for "Revenge". That theory got blown up quick. My WW and I have since decided to try and R. During one conversation we had WW described herself as "very submissive" and had been afraid of my reaction and never wanted me to think badly of her.

So my issue is this, OM has seen my wife as she really is or wants to be sexually. This should make me mad right? I should be seeing them together and doing things she wouldn't and hadn't done with me, right? But when I think of them together I get nothing. It's like I'm in a movie theatre and the screen is blank. Even early days when is suspected the affair, through me collecting my evidence and d-day. No thinking of them together. I know they were intimate and that makes me ill, but I haven't pictured it only head. My IC is kind of shocked and said she didn't know why. Her only thought was due to my military and law enforcement background I have placed the thoughts in my "you really don't want to know" box somewhere in my head. You know block out all the bad stuff so you can do your job. Anyone else experience this or just me?


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have placed the thoughts in my "you really don't want to know" box somewhere in my head. You know block out all the bad stuff so you can do your job.

That would be my guess. You've got a lot on your plate right now with the training/instruction you're giving. I think you might have put a priority on work. Subconsciously *I'll deal with that later*.

I'd be concerned when the *down* times comes.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may still go through some of that as you come to deal with the consequences of her actions. I never had any serious problems with the mind movies, but they definitely snuck in there and triggered, usually while having sex. Everything is great, just humping along, then, OK, that's enough for now....out of the mood. Never any obsession, though. I think its not so much "you really don't want to know" , more of a matter of intelligent processing of the information objectively, accepting and dealing with it because know thats what you have to do.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,
I didn't really have the mind movies that others talk about either. It was more like a thought or a quick image of them together, it came in my head without warning and went away quickly almost like what I have heard described as a flashback. Fortunately for me, most of these have now gone too. I can't imagine how horrible mind movies must be and I feel so fortunate to have not had to experience them. I had enough problems with the never ending roulette wheel going through my head 24/7 for a couple of months.

Posts: 268 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're very early out from dday, and you have had a shit ton both personally and professionally to deal with.

They may never come...but chances are, they will.

I didn't either. Until about 6 months out and I had a dream and WH was with AP. Then I couldn't un-see it.

Now I have them every time WH and I have sex.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7897 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT,

I never got the 'mind movies' thing either.

We all go through what we go through. One size does not fit all.

Your IC may be right. If so, then maybe this comes up later. But maybe not.

Be thankful for the smallest favors as you go through this mess.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have them either. I compartmentalize things easily. I think persons due to your training, you might be doing the same. I guess think of some of the bad things you have seen in your work, do you have mind movies there? For me I didn't see the movies and did have spurts of unexpected grief over the lie my marriage was. These occurred for about a year, mostly at major occasions. I also had huge anger and betrayal feelings. I like to explain it this way, when something happens to me I tie it in a box. The worse it is the more rope I use. I know I have ptsd.

I would suggest ic. For me needed to be clear with myself. My fwh was remorseful, but turns out he is high functioning advertisers, it took time for him to get it aka what I needed to see for recovery. We were separated for three years.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 326 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT Here are the Stages of Grief ,1.Denial 2.Anger 3.Bargaining 4.Depression 5. Acceptance, These are not linear and you may jump back and forth, As a Law Enforcement Officer you have a desire to reestablish order and control, you stick the bad things in a box in the back of your mind, just be prepared for the anger when it comes.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2013
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I guess that I have just filed the thoughts away. This is gonna suck I know. WW has been really trying to help and answer all of my questions. She is also seeking IC and has looked into several MC in the area. We have not been intimate yet and I am hoping that does not set me off.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SWAT70, I feel so bad for you having to deal with all of this and be "on the job" (Yes I am a Spouse).

Be grateful that you have the ability to push these thoughts out of your mind.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 499 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
bluelightshine
♀ New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out I got 1 image in my mind. It hurt so much that I just didn't allow it to happen again. I was hyper focused on keeping the pain to a minimum and healing. In my mind I wasn't going to allow this to destroy me and I wasn't going to become bitter. I don't know if this is compartmentalization or will power but I never got them since. However my wh left me on d day so I was determined to get over it. Lol Didn't quite get over it before he became remorseful that's why we are in r. Still no mind movies though and we have been intimate. You may or may never get them. I hope you don't.


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting blow jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2012
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't had them either, not absolutely sure why, maybe they will later. I do suffer from PTSD and had terrible graphic mind movies about what happened to my son and his friend a couple years ago. I couldn't close my eyes for months without all of it playing in my mind.

My hope is that I taught myself then to stop them, I have a flash here and there but it is gone as quick as it comes. I have actually tried to picture them together and the picture never really comes together for me.

I am not scared of them at all, nothing could be worse than the mind movies and nightmares after the murder.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never had them either. In fact when I try to picture fWS in Victoria's Secret lace that OW wanted her in I kinda giggle. Neither of them had a great bod so when I try to imagine them together I just snicker. I dunno why. I've always had a sophomoric sense of humor.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2294 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I spoke to soon. Just got out of bed, WW is still asleep. This is our first night sleeping together since d-day. WW tried to initiate but I had to stop her. Just pictured her being "submissive"to the POS... I haven't gotten into to much detail in this thread, but my WW told me after being together for 13 years she is a sexual submissive. Apparently she did not want me to think she was a "freak". I haven't asked for a lot of details about their sex acts. I'm wondering if I should and maybe I can understand it a little better. What do you all think? I mean I pictured her on her knees begging for him. It was a brief thought but it stopped me in my tracks.

She was understanding and just held onto me and said she was sorry. I kissed her and held her until she fell asleep.

(((Breezy))). I don't know the story about your son, but I'm sorry for you. While it does happen and all to frequently, no parent should have to bury a child.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't asked for a lot of details about their sex acts. I'm wondering if I should and maybe I can understand it a little better. What do you all think?

I think I mentioned this in your other thread. Be careful. You can't *unknow* something. Be sure that is what you need to process. I did ask for all the details. Motherfuck were those some nasty images to deal with, but honestly in comparison to what I was able to imagine? Not nearly as bad.

Another issue is the honesty angle. Even if she is completely *honest* with you, the doubts will creep in. What if she decides to hold something back because she is afraid it will *hurt* you? She was pretty accomplished in lying before, why not now?

Eventually(months) down the road with a fairly consistent story(minus the IDK, IDR...she's a CSA survivor), I decided that the details were what they were. The sex acts were just that. Sex....with another man. Do the details really matter? Bigger, better, oral or anal? She went outside her vows. The woman I gave my heart and soul to didn't give a flying fig about me, just satisfying whatever need was within her and damn the consequences.

If you need them to process, you need them. She will have to do her best to provide them. I might suggest you have her write out two timelines. One detailing time and place, generic acts and emotions. The second, the detailed. Positions, acts, how and where he finished etc. Then you decide. Read the first one. Decide later on the second.

TBH, using the details, we were able to construct sex acts that are ours alone. I found that I didn't trigger as much that way. Later in the process, I was able to do the *other* acts *better* than POSER.

It's not an easy process brother. Sending strength.

ETA, in the I Can Relate Forum, there's a thread for Betrayed Men, come on down. It's a great place for letting it all hang out and getting an all male perspective. We also talk a lot about the important stuff....like beer! JK, it's a damn good place to meet damn fine men who happen to share pretty solid core values.

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:20 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454. It isn't so much the size, better questions. I've know OM a long time and he isn't much of a man in the stature department. And to be honest I wouldn't even try anal with the wife. She is way too tiny. My thought are him holding her down and almost hurting her and her liking that. I just can't fathom hurting her.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SWAT, it doesn't so much sound like you need the details then(at least not yet). It sounds more like you need/want to understand her sexual preferences.

That's a whole different conversation. Ask her. Have her describe her fantasies. Describe yours. Open the door to any and all things. Don't shut her down. Some might not be compatible with your world view, some might. And vice-versa.

Who knows, you might try something new and discover you like it. Open, honest communication is crucial.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454..your right. It was just hard to imagine ya know. I really want to make this work. I know it is not an easy task, but I will do my part. I hope she can do her part. The talk will come soon, I am sure.
The hardest part is I was always honest and open with her. I just can not understand why she couldn't do the same before all of this.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had a long talk with the wife. It was enlightening to say the least. It appears she was at one point into the BDSM lifestyle and so was OM. Since they had dated in the past it all made sense to her, he gave her what she needed to justify the affair and since she didn't "love" him and was familiar with him and he knew her sexual preferences. Well perfect storm I guess.

Saw OM today. I stopped at my favorite watering hole for some wings and a couple of Sam Adams and there he was. I've been going there for 10 years and never saw him there and he always refused to go with me and the guys from work. Kind of wondering why he suddenly decided it was the place to be. Especially since he lives about 30 minutes away. POS was there with some young thing who I believe works as a dispatcher.

Got even though. Sent him a beer and told the bartender to tell him something. "Hey I want to thank you. You showed me what a stand up guy you are. I mean what kind of friend sleeps with his best friends wife if he isn't trying to teach him something. Oh and by the way, she may have BEEN yours at one time, but she is mine now." The bartender gave me a funny look but I tipped him ten bucks so he did it. The young lady looked shocked and just got up and walked away. POS glared and left right after her.

When I got home I wasn't in the best of moods. Told the wife what happened and she apologizes for me having to deal with this. I was kind of glad she did that and was supportive of me. It was childish I know but it made me feel good. Looking at his puny little self sitting there being all smug and trying to impress some mid twenties young lady just pissed me off. Payback is a b!tch.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only mind movie I plan on having is me squashing OM like a bug. Over and over and over again.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Topic Posts: 22
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