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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hi
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have been lurking since my dday but have not posted or joined until now. 3 months today since I found out. My story is in my profile, but will elaborate down the track. Tonight I am feeling exhausted by it all, had a bad, found out some more details and just wanted to be sick. Have now got WH writing out a time line as I am tired of feeling like I am in a crowded room with minimal light, bumping into things that jab at me. I want the light on, I want the full story as much as it is going to absolutely kill me, but I figure I then deal with the pain and make my next move from there, not continuously worried what I'm going to find out next. WH has been the poster boy for reconciliation, doing all the right things but ten years of lies is a lot to overcome. Even when some of those lies are just about giving up smoking. Bottom line WH has never trusted me with loving him for him, so he found validation from others at the expense of me. One of the hardest things is that the latest affair begun when I was in late pregnancy, he was even emailing her when I was in labour. I found out when my beautiful son was 8 days old. I sometimes feel as if my life is over, others I'm hopeful of a stronger marriage.


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 294 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here. Please take care of yourself first. Post often so we can support you through this.

(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi RI.

If you have not, please get yourself checked for STDs. Your husband has played down his physical involvement with these women. Is he claiming he never had sex with any of the women he had EAs with? Because that is very unlikely to go partially all the way - especially with numerous affairs.

How horrible for you to have your pregnancy and the first few months of being a new mom tainted by infidelity. I am angry for you.

You are right, 10 years of lies is a lot to overcome.

I want to very gently point this out

Bottom line WH has never trusted me with loving him for him, so he found validation from others at the expense of me.

Your WH had multiple affairs (EA/PA) during a time when you needed him most and he is going to turn that onto you? The nerve! He didn't trust your love for him (while you were laboring his son!) so he decided to text with his OW? Being an outsider to your situation his explanation makes zero sense. It sounds like he is turning it around to make it where you should have been showing him love differently.

I hope the timeline he is writing helps.


Posts: 762 | Registered: Sep 2010
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're here. This is a great place of wonderful support. While I don't have a lot of great advice right now as I'm still reeling from my situation, just know to take care of yourself while you're going through this. Keep posting. (((hugs)))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to those of you that have responded. It was nice to feel counted. I think a few of you are actually in the same time frame as I in your discoveries, and I too am sorry that you are here!

BrokenBlackBird, thank you for your post. I have since made WH go and have tests done and will be with him when he gets the results. I was a bit shocked at how I had not thought of that before and it rattled me a little!

The words that you have quoted are my words, not his. We have done a lot of talking in 3 months, up and down, around, in and out, you name it we have talked about it. These are my feelings based on things that have come out of that. He has never blamed me for the affair in any way, and in my dark moments when I have blamed myself he becomes very upset and adamant that this is all on him. HE didn't show vulnerability with me, HE lied and hid behind secrets, HE was selfish, HE was needing his fix of attention to validate himself, he never even cared one iota for these women, they were toys that made him feel liked. Lots of childhood cr*p in there, that is not an excuse, but areas in which he needs to work on to make sure it never happens again!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 294 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to the issue you mentioned. My husband and I lived that for 20 years (feeling we were both not enough for the other) It cause severe marital malnourishment and our relationship lacked true intimacy.
I want to encourage you that if he is truly remorseful and truly transparent and truly open to comfort and console and listen and support you as you mourn your loss and try to heal, there can be good to come from this as hard as that is to believe. We all wish we'd gotten there without all the horrible betrayal but...
My husband is a different man. A completely different man. Our marriage is so totally different than it was. We are best friends, much better lovers, in sync with each other, really in love and feel like we truly have each others backs at all times. It is more than I ever thought possible. If you would have told me this 3 years ago I would have laughed in your face. It would have sounded ludicrous.
Again, I say IF you H does everything right it is possible. You can find true intimacy that you never knew was possible. He has to find his 'why' and correct it. Otherwise he may do it again. You probably know that if you've been lurking 3 months though.
I hope you get some of the reccomended books and read them together and find a good MC once he's gotten himself on the right path with his own hard work on himself.
There is light at the end of this very long tunnel. I am sorry you have to be here. Post often for support!

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 10:56 PM, April 10th (Thursday)]


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much fixyou! It was exactly what I needed to hear right this second. What you have described is exactly what I am hoping for. Before Dday we had the type of relationship others envied, yet when his behaviour came to light, it was amazing what problems we found within our relationship. He maintains to this day that he thought he was happy, he told his OW he was happy, and didn't start talking about leaving me until the end when she started to withdraw (major game player) and he was basically promising her the world to "keep her on the hook" as he likes to put it. It was a sick game they played with each other that brought out the very worst in him.

Yet we did have things missing, things that even now, in the midst of the most turbulent time in our lives, because he is fully engaged in the relationship and has made his family his number one priority, things are already feeling better. Do I trust it yet? HELL NO!! But it is so good to hear someone else's experience work out in a major positive. Maybe we could have a relationship 10 times better then the illusion I thought we had. I hope so, it's a dream that keeps me getting out of bed every day!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: 6 months old
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 294 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just to repeat, you can make it work. If it is what you both want, if he has absolutely no contact with these woman, if he allows you full access to all phones , computers etc, if he is transparent in all things, if he lets you scream at him when you need to without getting angry, if he holds you and tells you he loves you all the time, if he lets you ask the same questions as many times as you need to, if he shows you everyday how much he loves you, if he is remorseful and accepts full responsibility then yes you can. It is damn hard and there will be times when you want to smash his face for doing this to you, times when the hurt is so bad you can hardly breathe let alone function properly, but time, patience and love do help and you can have a better marriage.
We all lose sight of each other sometimes, I just wish there was a better way for us to realise than affairs. (No excuses for WS- just an acknowledgement that sometimes we aren't aware of problems in our relationships )
Good luck

((((Hugs))))))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Topic Posts: 8

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